


angels roll their eyes

by yujaeyu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends to Rivals to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nakamoto Yuta-centric, beta-ed by me by myself LOL
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 113,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23668498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yujaeyu/pseuds/yujaeyu
Summary: Even with all his experience dealing with the complexities of Jeong Jaehyun, Yuta still finds himself unsure of what to do as his childhood best friend walks back into his life, five years after Yuta decided he wanted nothing more to do with him.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 106
Kudos: 492





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Everything in this fic is purely fiction, characters are not representatives of their IRL counterparts  
> 2\. I really suck at replying to comments, but I appreciate every single one of them and they make my day  
> 3\. Set in a completely fictional setting, the town, city, school etc do not exist IRL  
> 4\. I like overusing words a lot  
> 5\. Watch how many members I can sneak in. Anyways, anyone older than Lucas is in Yuta’s grade, Lucas and everyone younger are in the grade below.

“Nakamoto!” Heads in the cafeteria turn to look up at Jeong Jaehyun, who throws open the door to the room and saunters in, calling out the one name he knows almost better than he knows his own. As quick as they turn, all heads look back down, Yuta’s head is the only one that stays up.

The general rule in school is that no matter what events transpire, under no circumstance should anyone ever come between Nakamoto Yuta and Jeong Jaehyun.

The duo would appear friendly to anyone who doesn’t bother to look deeper, like close friends who enjoyed teasing one another just a little too much. They address each other by their surnames as they pick food off each other’s trays during lunch break. To the average, unknowing eye, the two would appear to be above average high school jocks.

To anyone who goes beyond a mere scratch of the surface of their relationship, it couldn’t be any more different. The whole student body knows of the situation between the school’s #1 and #2, though no one beyond either circles the duo run in truly knows of what happened to spark the aggression between them. 

Yuta keeps his circle small, while Jaehyun runs with a much larger crowd of people Yuta cannot even recognise by face. He meets Jaehyun’s eye across the cafeteria, ensuring that his expression betrays none of his emotion. Beside him, he can hear Taeyong’s sharp intake of breath, it doesn’t deter Yuta from standing from his seat and shouting Jaehyun’s name in response.

Johnny rubs his own fingers across his temple, as if soothing a bad headache. Any other time and Yuta would’ve playfully hit his best friend, but it’s not the time now. Jaehyun closes in on him, getting so dangerously close that Yuta can practically hear the sirens going off in his head. They’re blaringly loud, as is Jaehyun’s presence.

“Don’t look at me with so much hostility,” Jaehyun says, picking a fry off Yuta’s tray and popping it into his mouth with ease. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

Jaehyun leans his body against the side of the table, face void of expression, Yuta thinks, though, that he could read Jaehyun like an open book if he really tried. After all, Jaehyun was second nature to Yuta at one point. He doesn’t care enough now to try to look past Jaehyun’s neutral appearance, nor does he care when Jaehyun’s lips break into a small smirk.

“Stop wasting my time,” Yuta sighs, swatting Jaehyun’s hand away from where he’s reaching for another fry. “If you have something to say, just say it. I don’t have all day, Jeong.”

Jaehyun’s smirk turns into a grin as he lightly shoves Yuta with the back of his wrist, Yuta does everything in his power to prevent himself from stumbling backwards. “The grade slips are coming out next week,” Jaehyun says, voice dropping to a low whisper so no one beyond Yuta’s table can hear them. “I promised you I’d beat you this time, didn’t I?”

Yuta’s molars grind together in irritation at Jaehyun’s sudden proximity to him as the other moves closer to look him in the eye. “Still as arrogant as ever, I see.”

“Absolutely,” Jaehyun breathes out and Yuta can feel it against his cheek. “How touching that you remember what I’m like.”

“I couldn’t forget,” Yuta scoffs, and he doesn’t miss the way Jaehyun’s expression shifts from neutrality to surprise. Yuta presses his lips into a thin line as he shoves Jaehyun away, almost like payback for earlier. “No matter how much I wish I could.”

Jaehyun’s face falls momentarily, before the wall rebuilds itself around him and he looks at Yuta coldly, reaching for yet another fry. He chews it for a few seconds that feel so drawn out to Yuta, who just wants it all to be over, before wiping his mouth across his sleeve like a degenerate. “Your fries are getting soggy,” he says simply before turning on his heel and walking away from their table.

Yuta rolls his eyes and sits back down, not missing the way Jaehyun turns back slightly. “See you in class,” he mumbles, Yuta ignores him.

+

“Would you say your rivalry with Jaehyun has homoerotic subtext to it?” Taeyong asks, looking up from his laptop screen to meet Yuta’s eye. Taeyong is serious, Yuta almost scoffs.

“I literally hate him, Taeyong,” Yuta points out. “And even if I didn’t, I would absolutely not have my eyes set on that bastard. Not even if we were the last two fucking people on Earth.”

Taeyong looks disappointed by the response and his sigh only amplifies it. Yuta raises an eyebrow suspiciously, trying to look over Taeyong’s shoulder to read what’s displayed on his screen. Taeyong panics, slamming his laptop shut immediately, but not before Yuta catches what’s written at the top of the screen. He stares at Taeyong in disbelief.

“Are you seriously writing Haikyuu fanfiction based on my relationship with Jeong Jaehyun?”

“No,” Taeyong lies, before his lips curl upwards smugly. “So, you admit there’s a relationship?” 

Yuta looks at his best friend, unimpressed. “I’m going to have your pictures from Baekhyun’s party published to the school’s anonymous confession page.”

“You told me you deleted those!” Taeyong yells, scandalised. He jumps onto Yuta and Yuta stumbles, falling backwards on Taeyong’s bed, laughing hard. Taeyong falls above him, laughing equally loudly. “I’ll murder you!” He manages to yell out between his uncontrollable laughter.

Yuta is about to fire back with something he thinks is quite intelligent when his phone buzzes loudly beside his head. It must have fallen out of his pocket during his scuffle with Taeyong, who gets off of him and waits expectantly for Yuta to read the message. 

Yuta throws his phone roughly onto the bed, frustrated groan escaping his lips shortly after. When Taeyong tilts his head like a curious puppy, Yuta can only sigh and run his fingers through his own hair, an attempt to calm himself down. “It’s my mother.”

Taeyong’s mouth forms an “O” shape, no sound escapes his lips. He’s Yuta’s best friend, someone who knows a lot more about Yuta than what meets the eye, and that includes his relationship with his parents.

“She wants to know where I am,” Yuta mumbles, reading the text messages again. “And whom I’m with, should I just say you?”

Taeyong shakes his head. “She hates my ass, maybe Johnny?”

“She hates him too,” Yuta answers grimly. He types out half his response to her, telling her that he’s out studying though he knows he isn’t. He sends the text message and awaits her response, fingers gripping Taeyong’s bed sheets as the typing symbol shows up beside her blank icon. “She hates all my friends.”

“Because we’re distractions, right?” Taeyong asks, voice soft and void of malice. Yuta looks at him wearily before he nods, holding back from tearing his own hair from his scalp. In his hands, his phone vibrates and lights up with another notification from his mother. “What did she say?”

Yuta sighs, eyes skimming across the text message. “She wants me home, now.” He reaches behind his friend and grabs his school bag that rests beside Taeyong’s on the bed. “And I better have an explanation as to why I didn’t come home immediately.”

Taeyong sighs, shaking his head. “Do you need someone to drop you off? My mom didn’t drive to work today and I have her spare keys.”

“No, but thank you, Taeyong,” Yuta says softly. “You’re a good friend.”

+

Taeyong’s home isn’t far from Yuta’s, a mere six blocks between them that Yuta is athletic enough to run without breaking a sweat. However, he decides to take it slow and enjoy the feeling of walking through his neighbourhood instead. 

The streets are quiet, with it being too late in the day for children to be returning home from school and too early for adults to be returning home from work. Summer gives way to fall as the leaves on the trees begin to grow back, colouring the area the way they used to, two seasons ago. Yuta finds himself basking in the pleasant chill of the earliest part of the new season.

He’s lived in this town long enough to be able to walk past the houses and identify which of his schoolmates live within the walls of each. One street down from Taeyong houses the infamous step-brothers, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, responsible for half the noise complaints in the area. Two streets down is Kim Doyoung, Johnny’s ex-boyfriend and a classmate of Yuta’s. They’re not close.

Four streets down, however, is a row of houses that Yuta would give anything to not have to walk past. It’s a house that holds great memories, standing proud between five or six more insignificant ones. Yuta can name everyone who lives in all other blocks between him and Taeyong, but as far as he is concerned, only one person worth memory lives in this block. 

Yuta remembers him, no matter how hard he tries to forget. He remembers dimpled smiles, genuine and unlike the cocky ones he receives now. Yuta remembers more than he wishes he does, only at night does thinking about it leave something so alike to an ache in his chest.

Yuta knows he should’ve taken up Taeyong’s offer when he sees Jaehyun exit his house just moments before he manages to successfully walk past the block. Jaehyun doesn’t notice him at first, but looks up when Yuta’s sharp intake of breath comes out just a little too loud.

Jaehyun is in his home clothes, vastly different from what Yuta is used to seeing him wear in school. His hair, however, stays in the same style as it always does, he had gotten an obnoxious perm over Summer break and the memory of seeing it for the first time towards the end of the season imprints itself permanently into Yuta’s mind. Everyone else loved it, complimented Jaehyun on it, but Yuta thinks Jaehyun has a special skill of making everything he touches unappealing to Yuta.

“Nakamoto,” Jaehyun calls out, looking at him curiously. His voice is void of any of the condescending hostility that is commonly heard within the school walls, but the distance between the two remains. “Why are you staring at my house?”

Part of Yuta knows he should just walk away and ignore him, knows that he’s already running late enough and not even God will save him from his mother’s wrath if he’s a moment later than he’s already going to be. Part of Yuta knows so much better than what he actually ends up doing, entertaining Jaehyun.

Jaehyun shoves his mailbox keys into the left front pocket of his pants and his hand stays within, not leaving the warm-looking fabric. “You gonna answer? Or are you just gonna keep staring at me like a fish through a glass bowl?”

“You know, keeping fish in glass bowls isn’t good,” Yuta says with a frown. “You’re subjecting the animal to swimming in its own shit.”

Jaehyun raises his brow. “I will look that up later,” he says, running his fingers through his _godforsaken_ perm. He frowns. “Don’t change the subject, why are you outside my house?”

“I was walking home from Taeyong’s,” Yuta replies with a shrug. “None of your business.”

“I guess it’s not,” Jaehyun says, neutrality blooming into a devious smile on his face. Yuta almost groans out loud, he knows where this is going. “I’m walking you home though. Don’t flatter yourself, it’s not that I care, I’m just so bored in there,” he gestures at the building behind him, “and my nintendo is out of battery.”

“Can’t you just text your friends?” Yuta grumbles, but he relents anyways, making room for Jaehyun to walk alongside him on the pavement.

“I could,” Jaehyun muses, his eyes forming crescents as he smiles. “Or I could walk you down two blocks, and look! You’re already here, may as well.”

Jaehyun, Yuta thinks, is either going to be the death of him or the reason Yuta gets arrested when he ultimately attempts manslaughter.

+

Their walk is silent, with only the rustling of leaves in the wind to disrupt the clear tension between the two. Jaehyun keeps his eyes on the pavement before them, not even sparing Yuta a glance. It would annoy Yuta to be ignored like this if it were anyone else, but it’s Jaehyun, and a Jaehyun who doesn’t talk is a good, less annoying Jaehyun. 

As they near Yuta’s house, Jaehyun seems to catch sight of someone when he looks up sharply. Yuta’s eyes follow and he sees his mother standing in the driveway, arms folded over her chest. Yuta’s mind races with a million things he can say to her to excuse his lateness, but finds that he doesn’t have to when his mother spots Jaehyun walking beside him. The stern expression falls off her face.

“Yuta.” His mother says his name like it’s a greeting, her voice is friendly, which isn’t something Yuta is used to hearing from _her,_ of all people. “You could have just told me you were with Jaehyun.”

Yuta wants to bite back, say that he’d so much rather be caught shoplifting in their local convenience store than hang out with Jaehyun, or admit that he was with Taeyong and force his mother to come to terms with the fact that Yuta kept the friends she hates so much. He doesn’t get a chance to, though, because Jaehyun speaks before he does.

“I’m sorry for holding him up, Mrs Nakamoto,” he apologises, bowing slightly to indicate respect. “I wanted to discuss some concepts with him, I wasn’t aware of the time.”

Yuta’s mother looks at Jaehyun so fondly and Yuta is forced to recall his childhood, of when his mother has wistfully commented her desire for Yuta to be a little more like Jaehyun. Jaehyun, Yuta recalls, is the son she wishes she had.

The only one of Yuta’s friends that she’s ever liked, and they aren’t even friends anymore. Their families, however, remain oblivious to that information. 

“It’s alright, Jaehyun, dear,” she says, her voice is so sickeningly sweet that Yuta almost retches. “Yuta should’ve just told me he was with you, I wouldn’t have made him come home had I known.”

Jaehyun smiles, one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and glances at Yuta as if gauging his emotions. Yuta doesn’t let his expression betray him, neutrality, it’s all they’ve known for years.

Jaehyun takes his leave shortly after that, waving a cheerful goodbye to the two he leaves behind. To Yuta’s mother, who waves back with her ear-to-ear smile, and to Yuta, who is torn between staying with his mother and away from the one person who makes him sicker than anything and following Jaehyun, away from all responsibility.

He stays.

+

“It’s nice to see Jaehyun again,” his mother comments, sipping tea from a teacup the size of her small hands. “I haven’t seen him in several summers, I suppose he’s too busy to meet up with someone so lazy.”

_It’s not that he’s busy,_ Yuta almost snaps back, opting instead to grip at the material of his pants, feeling the way the fabric moves between his fingers. _It’s that I don’t want him near me, I don’t want him near you._

“Dear.” It’s cold, unlike the way she spoke to Jaehyun just ten minutes prior. It’s ironic, calling Yuta by such an affectionate pet name with so little emotion in her voice. Yuta knows he’s not _dear,_ at least, not in the way Jaehyun is.

The son she wishes she had.

“Yes?” Yuta answers quietly rather than voicing his thoughts out. 

His mother seems to size him up for a moment that stretches on, beyond how long a few seconds should be. She smiles, empty. “Has Jaehyun mentioned where he plans to apply to?”

Yuta bites his lower lip and wonders if she’s noticed yet, if she even pays enough attention to her son to notice something isn’t right. “No, he has not.”

“You should find out.” She sets down the tea cup. “You should see for yourself, the gap between the two of you. Bridge it, Yuta, you’re my only son.”

Yuta feels something bubbling at the back of his throat, though rather than confronting it, he swallows it back down as he nods. His bangs sweep over his eyes and hide the shame behind them. “Yes, mother,” Yuta mumbles, almost inaudible. “I will not let you down.”

Later that night, Yuta crumbles on his bed, allowing all walls to fall with his exhausted body. He considers texting Taeyong, begging for some reassurance that he’s _enough._ He decides against it after looking at the time on the clock hanging above his study desk, it’s too late and he does not want to wake Taeyong.

He thinks back to the day, to picture-perfect Jaehyun, lying with ease to cover for him without Yuta even having to ask. Yuta sighs in frustration as Jaehyun’s smile clouds his thoughts and wonders if anyone else has noticed the way Jaehyun’s smile hasn’t changed at all since they were kids. 

As if sensing the knots in his brain, Yuta’s phone lights up with a notification. For a moment, Yuta is beyond thrilled to have some sort of distraction from his own thoughts. He reaches for his phone that lays beside his head, refusing to get up from the position he had fallen in. It takes him a few more attempts than he’s proud to admit, but he succeeds in the end.

His room is dark, the lights are already off and Yuta’s parents think he’s asleep. He hopes the light from the phone doesn’t seep between the cracks of the door, but he doubts his parents would notice if it did. He squints at the brightness of the screen and reads the message.

His heart falls when he sees an unsaved number, one that he knows too well. Yuta doesn’t have Jaehyun’s number saved anymore, but he knows it’s him, he’s had that number memorised since they were in their final year of elementary school and Jaehyun had received a cell phone for his birthday.

He never changed his number.

“Nakamoto,” Yuta mumbles, reading the message out loud, his voice soft enough to not carry over into the next room. “Hope everything went okay… You cannot die before I beat you in physics.”

Yuta scoffs, watching as the typing symbol appears under Jaehyun’s name. He waits for the next message, contemplating blocking the number before it can send him any more garbage. He doesn’t get the chance to, though, because Jaehyun’s fingers are faster.

**Unknown [19:56]:** u owe me btw. lies left my holy lips to spare your life.

Yuta sighs again, feeling his blood pressure rise, Jeong Jaehyun really is going to be the death of him. _Good night,_ is all he texts back, before throwing his phone aside and letting his body give out for the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Johnny admins the school’s anonymous confession page, a job that he’s more proud of than he is of, like, _actual_ achievements. He takes over it when another one of his ex-boyfriends, of which he’s had so many that Yuta can’t remember all of them, graduates when they’re sophomores and leaves it in his hands.

Evidently, Johnny isn’t pleased today, he squints at his laptop screen as he reads through dozens of unpublished confessions from anonymous users. “When will this school learn that _I love my boyfriend so much_ is not a confession if you’re already dating?” Johnny groans, tearing his eyes away from the screen to look at his two close friends, who stare back at him.

“Why don’t you just get a job, or something?” Taeyong asks nonchalantly, biting into the sad hamburger served to them by the lunch lady. It’s a patty the size of Yuta’s palm squashed between two heaps of cabbage, mayonnaise, and a single slice of unmelted cheese. Yuta always remembers to pick the cheese out, it’s too yellow for him to consume, since he does want a long life.

“This is my job!” Johnny argues, scrolling down the page to look at more confessions. “It’s my service to the school.”

“Your service is publishing hundreds of Oh Sehun’s rants about hating the faculty to an anonymous website while pretending that you don’t know it’s him,” Taeyong snorts. “Truly honourable.”

“How dare you talk to me about honour!” Johnny accuses, his tone playful and dramatic. “I will not take it from someone who writes _Rinharu_ fanfiction instead of doing his homework!”

Yuta just watches the way his best friends bicker in amusement, the duo have been orbiting each other since the final year of middle school. They argue a lot, but Yuta knows how much Taeyong cares about Johnny and vice versa. Taeyong is the first shoulder Johnny cries on when he goes through a particularly rough breakup and Johnny is the only person willing to listen to Taeyong’s frenzied rants about whatever new sports anime he’s dedicated his life to.

“Oh, there’s a new confession,” Johnny says, refreshing his page and ending his argument with Taeyong. He reads through what seems like several lines before making a face. “God, I am not reading all of that.”

“What is it?” Taeyong asks curiously, peering around his shoulder to read his laptop screen. He, too, makes a face. “Who the hell has the time to write an entire essay about Jeong Jaehyun’s dimples?”

“Same person who has the time to write an entire essay about why Rin and Haru are the perfect friends to rivals to lovers pairing,” Johnny shoots back before his eyes travel back to the screen. “Even Yuta doesn’t pay Jaehyun this much attention.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Yuta asks, adopting a menacing tone laced in bravado. Taeyong just laughs and ruffles his hair, proclaiming that he’s cute when he scrunches his nose up like that. It wounds Yuta’s pride.

“Figure it out yourself,” Johnny laughs as he closes his laptop. “I’ve had enough of reading bad takes from the cohort, let’s get ice cream or something.”

+

Johnny and Taeyong are, literally, Yuta’s only friends. It’s not that Yuta isn’t well-liked by the student body, on the contrary, he’s quite popular among his classmates. It’s just that Yuta has a stringent standard when it comes to friendships, and since Jaehyun left the picture of his life, only Johnny and Taeyong had been able to weasel themselves through the cracks in the concrete walls Yuta built around himself.

Yuta has many friends, but none of them are _his_ friends so much as they are just regular friends. Friends who will wave at him down the hall and take notes for him if asked, friends that he knows he’ll never hear from again past graduation. They’re his friends, but not in the way Johnny and Taeyong are, they’re nowhere close.

Johnny and Taeyong are something alike to anchors for Yuta, to rocks who keep him grounded and prevent him from flying too close to the sun. Yuta is ambitious, scarily so that he’s willing to hurt himself to reach the top. His friends know not to interfere with him when he’s like that, Johnny and Taeyong know better. Johnny and Taeyong know how to hold him down without clipping his wings and bounding him to the endless landscape.

Johnny and Taeyong are the reason he hasn’t gone insane trying to beat out Jaehyun, and the reason he hasn’t showed up at Jaehyun’s house in the middle of the night, throwing large stones through the window to his bedroom. 

Because Yuta knows that if he falls on the way up to the clouds, Johnny and Taeyong will be beneath him, catching him in a warm embrace and saving him from hitting the ground. 

That’s what makes them his friends.

+

“I hate you!” Johnny whines, throwing his spoon at Taeyong. The spoon has been licked clean of ice cream by Johnny’s tongue and privately, Yuta wonders if it’s still wet with his saliva, he doesn’t want to find out. The spoon hits Taeyong in the face before falling out of Yuta’s vision. “This flavour tastes like ass!”

Taeyong picks the spoon off his lap where it seems to have fallen with disdain, scrunching up his nose. It dangles from his fingertips by the handle before he throws it back at Johnny. “Stop being such a baby, I didn’t force you to copy my flavour.”

“You highly recommended it!” Johnny snaps back and to anyone else, their discussion may appear hostile, but Yuta knows better. This is just the way Johnny and Taeyong work, the way they’ve always worked. Taeyong hums at Johnny’s accusation, leaning back in his seat and not even bothering to answer the other. Johnny grumbles as he slides the full cup over to Taeyong. “You can have it, I’ll go buy my vanilla flavour, like a normal person would.”

“Next time sample first, instead of trusting my words,” Taeyong advises before staring at the second cup of ice cream with a grin and a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I win,” he mumbles to Yuta as he moves the cup closer to himself, triumphant.

“You’re awful, you planned this didn’t you?” Yuta teases and all Taeyong does is smile in response as Yuta watches Taeyong’s first cup disappear as fast as it was served. He really is a monster when it comes to sweet things.

“It’s fun like this,” Taeyong replies, grin still plastered on his face as he eyes Johnny at the counter, pointing at his chosen flavour through the glass of the freezer to a tired-looking cashier. “Getting his attention is fun, it’s easy.”

“Just talk to him,” Yuta huffs. “It’s not like Johnny’s inattentive.”

Taeyong frowns, pulling his spoon from his mouth and using it to point at Yuta. “You’re inattentive.”

Before Yuta can ask for an elaboration, Johnny comes back, proudly showing off a cup of coffee that he bought in lieu of ice cream before sitting down across from Taeyong. Yuta notes that Taeyong must’ve finished his second cup while he wasn’t looking. Maybe that’s what Taeyong meant, maybe it’s because Yuta is someone who prefers to look at a bigger picture than focus on the smaller details.

That’s what his mother thinks, anyway.

“Are you worried about the grade slips?” Johnny asks curiously, sipping on his coffee and Yuta seriously doesn’t understand how Johnny manages to drink anything with clouds of steam still exuding from it.

Taeyong shakes his head and doesn’t elaborate further. He’s never been one to worry about his grades, stating multiple times that if he fails, he’ll accept failure and try again next time. Yuta wishes he could be anywhere near as carefree as Taeyong is and wonders if that’s how he would’ve been had he grown up under different circumstances.

Johnny, on the other hand, studies a little bit more. He is one of the top scorers in subjects like world history and english literature, but he’s not so great at math. Yuta recalls spending many lunch breaks through middle school slowly explaining math concepts to Johnny, who just didn’t understand them. 

“I shouldn’t be nervous,” Yuta replies, trying for confidence when he feels anything but. Johnny and Taeyong turn to look at him as he speaks. “I know I did well.”

“But doing well isn’t enough for you, is it?” Taeyong meets his eye with something akin to sympathy in his own, Yuta feels his stomach lurch within him. “It’s not enough for her.”

Yuta steadies himself, all his effort going into making himself look like he doesn’t care. It’s pointless and useless, because Taeyong is one of the only two people who can read him like an open book. “I have to beat him,” Yuta says, trying to keep his tone sounding calm. “And it definitely doesn’t help that Dong Sicheng is crazy good at physics. As if having Jeong Jaehyun as my only competition isn’t bad enough.”

“I will seriously never understand why the physics teacher sprung a whole exam on us two weeks into the semester,” Johnny complains. “I didn’t understand shit of what was written on the paper, I may as well kiss my GPA goodbye.”

“I’ve already kissed mine,” Taeyong says with a self-deprecating laugh. “Dude’s a fucking sadist.”

It didn’t really make a difference to Yuta, who had spent the entirety of summer break reviewing every single class he takes. He was well prepared for the exam even on such short notice. Evidently, he had bitterly noticed, Jaehyun didn’t seem to have a problem with it either. Jaehyun had breezed through the paper and then fallen asleep on his desk right after.

Yuta knows he’ll do well, he always does, and it makes Yuta angry.

“Yu.” Johnny calls for his attention, snapping Yuta out of his thoughts as he whips his head to look at Johnny, nodding his head in acknowledgment. Johnny tries for a smile. “Try not to worry so much, okay?”

“I’ll try,” Yuta replies though, deep down, he knows that he’s failed long before even trying.

+

One thing Yuta absolutely hates about Thursdays is the fact that both Taeyong and Johnny are busy with clubs after school. This leaves Yuta walking home on his own and while the walk from Taeyong’s is bearable, the walk from school is even longer. Yuta hates it.

He contemplates taking a bus to shorten his travel time but ultimately decides against it when he sees the large crowd waiting at the bus stop. Not wanting to be shoved around by forty-over sweaty students, he decides to walk instead.

Which would’ve been fine, except Jeong Jaehyun spotted him slipping out of the school gates and ran after him despite Yuta’s best attempts to avoid him. He doesn’t know what part of Yuta not liking him Jaehyun doesn’t understand, but then again Jaehyun has always been stubborn. The fact that he’s a nuisance is new, though.

“Nakamoto!” Jaehyun calls out, bounding over to him like an energetic puppy. Yuta decides, then, that he is a cat person. “Dude, stop running!”

To be honest, Yuta hadn’t even noticed the way his legs seemed to move on their own, carrying him away from the terror chasing after him.

He also doesn’t notice when his legs stop, again, on their own and he halts in the middle of the pavement. Jaehyun ends up running into him and they crash onto the floor, Jaehyun landing on top of him. Yuta groans from where he hit the floor, his body doesn’t hurt but his brain races with calculations of how long he’ll have to scrub himself in the shower to get rid of Jaehyun’s germs, that’s what hurts.

“Shit,” Jaehyun curses and scrambles quickly to get off Yuta, standing and brushing himself off before offering a hand out to Yuta. He looks absolutely mortified. _Good,_ Yuta thinks, watching Jaehyun’s ears burn up a bright red. “I’m sorry.”

Yuta glares at his outstretched hand and ignores it, pushing himself back up with his own palms planted on the concrete flooring beneath him. He also takes the liberty to ignore Jaehyun’s wounded expression as he slowly lowers his hand. Yuta switches his glare from his hand to his face. “What do you want?”

“Nothing,” Jaehyun lies and Yuta makes clear how he doesn’t buy the lie in the slightest, staring at Jaehyun with a singular brow raised. Jaehyun sighs and darts his eyes to the pavement. “I just wanted to check on you, after yesterday.”

Yuta’s glare transforms into a weary stare as he looks at Jaehyun for what feels like hours to him, watching Jaehyun’s eyes nervously dart around, looking for anything to focus on rather than Yuta’s face. Yuta almost feels bad, almost trips up and sees something in Jaehyun that he hasn’t seen in years. He burns the thought out of his brain as fast as he can. “I’m fine, Jeong. I won’t die before I beat you in physics.”

That breaks Jaehyun out of his state of embarrassment, he grins. “Nakamoto Yuta, are you actually making a joke with me?”

“You’re the joke,” Yuta grumbles, shoving his hands into his pockets. Jaehyun only grins wider and Yuta can’t help but worry about how his brain seems to (not) process things. “I’m going home, leave me alone, stalker.”

“You told me where you live yourself!” Jaehyun insists, face suddenly flushing red. “I am not a stalker!”

“Relax, Jeong. I’m messing with you,” Yuta laughs and he doesn’t think it’s possible for Jaehyun’s face to get any redder. His ears are a violent shade of scarlet and if Yuta was younger and a little stupider, he might’ve reached out to touch them. 

He’s almost eighteen now and he likes to think he’s smarter.

Jaehyun alone with Yuta is something different from the arrogant Jaehyun who stands before hundreds of people in the cafeteria, loudly shouting Yuta’s name and taunting him. Jaehyun alone is soft, muted colours with a dash of scarlet against the canvas of Yuta’s life. He’s a lot more tolerable when he’s quiet, even when he’s all up in Yuta’s face.

Yuta hates Jaehyun with every fibre of his being. Jaehyun, who sends chills up his spine with every word, who makes Yuta feel second-rate in places where he should be a priority.

Jaehyun, who is too easy to blame for all of Yuta’s problems.

“Why do you insist on following me home?” Yuta asks, setting his eyesight straight ahead. All he can see beyond is the greys of the pavement and the browning of the leaves on the trees. “We’re not friends, Jeong.”

“I know.” Yuta doesn’t dare look up and face Jaehyun, because he knows that he’ll break and run far away if Jaehyun shoots him any expression that Yuta doesn’t want to think about. “I just need something to do.”

“Shouldn’t your nintendo be done charging by now?”

Jaehyun looks up at him and Yuta finds that he cannot tear his eyes away from Jaehyun, who pulls him in with some sort of magnetic charm. Jaehyun stops walking and Yuta follows, his body controlling itself while his brain screams at him for not running. There’s the ghost of a smile on Jaehyun’s face, not quite there but it’s still _there._

Yuta’s stomach does a somersault within him as he wearily looks at Jaehyun’s eyes, almost sparkling in the midday sunlight. “It’s done,” Jaehyun says earnestly. “But there are better things to do, this is a better thing to do.”

Yuta, like always, ignores his words. Ignoring Jaehyun is so much easier, he thinks, that coming to terms with everything that’s happened since they were children.

Since Jaehyun was Yuta’s best friend.

+

As they near Jaehyun’s block, having walked the whole way in silence, Yuta steals a glance at Jaehyun. He wonders if the other will turn to the left and walk into his own house without saying a word to Yuta, or if he expects a good bye. 

Jaehyun doesn’t make the turn, continues walking straight ahead once they reach his house without even looking to the left. Yuta keeps his groan internal, refusing to admit his disappointment at Jaehyun’s unspoken decision to follow him down two more blocks.

“Jeong,” Yuta calls out. Jaehyun jumps, startled, staring at Yuta with big eyes and Yuta is struck with memories. An image of a younger Jaehyun making that exact expression flashes over Jaehyun’s face for a split second. Yuta wonders if Jaehyun experiences these flashes of childhood too, even if they aren’t really on good terms anymore.

Jaehyun looks different when he’s startled, different from the Jaehyun Yuta’s always known. Yuta feels his stomach turn within him again as Jaehyun tilts his head to the side. “Nakamoto?” His words come out sounding like a question, soft, and for a split second it’s so easy to forget that he and Jaehyun aren’t friends anymore.

Yuta clears his throat. “You overshot your house, it’s that way.” He points left and if Jaehyun notices the slight crack in his voice, he’s polite enough to avoid mentioning it.

Jaehyun’s face falls and the guilt that washes over him is almost unbearable. Yuta just doesn’t understand because he hates Jaehyun, he really does, so why…

Yuta sighs sharply, loud enough that he’s sure Jaehyun hears it from where he’s seemingly frozen on the sidewalk. “Or walk with me,” Yuta says, trying to sound as carefree as possible. “I don’t particularly give a shit.”

Jaehyun’s smile, however, calms everything that he was feeling.

Yeah, Yuta thinks, Jeong Jaehyun is going to be the death of him.

+

“Where are you going after this year?” Jaehyun asks halfway into the walk, his tone is casual but Yuta can see the slight tremble of his hands. He’s nowhere near as calm as he appears to be.

“I don’t know,” Yuta says plainly. “I’ll go wherever I’m meant to.”

Yuta notices Jaehyun staring at his hands, but he doesn’t bother to call Jaehyun out for it. Rather, he thinks back to his conversation with his mother from the previous day and finds himself stopping Jaehyun in the middle of the pavement. Yuta looks at his former best friend wearily, watching Jaehyun’s curious, nervous eyes dart around anywhere but his face. Jaehyun’s taller than him now and it’s annoying to Yuta, how Jaehyun seems to surpass him at everything without even trying, even something of as little importance as how many inches they stand. “Well,” Yuta says, a low hum at the back of his throat accompanying his words. “Where are you going?” 

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun admits. “Would it be overstepping for me to request that you tell me once you’ve figured it out?”

Yuta’s dumbfounded, to be honest. Even if Jaehyun’s always been rather open and blunt with his words, a trait he shares with him, the question takes him aback. He settles for a smile that seems to challenge Jaehyun, because the other grits his teeth. “Only if you agree to tell me too.”

“Deal,” Jaehyun replies as they reach Yuta’s house.

\+ 

The dinner table is quiet when Yuta brings it up to his parents. “Jeong Jaehyun says he doesn’t know where he’s going yet,” Yuta says nervously, watching his parents’ faces and waiting for some sort of reaction. “For college, I mean.”

His parents remain stone-faced as ever, with the only visible reaction he gets being a slight raise of his mother’s eyebrow, eyes trained on the food she cuts into with her knife. The atmosphere grows increasingly suffocating as the silence between them stretches on. Finally, his mother sets down her fork, looking Yuta in the eye, and Yuta finds himself engulfed in a fire so hot that it feels cold.

It’s colder than frostbite, but to Yuta who is used to it, it hurts no more than a sting.

“That’s quite shocking, I must say,” she states, though her voice lacks any evidence of surprise. Yuta notes that the meat she was trying to cut through is still held together by the corner, something he supposes she has yet to notice herself. “Nonetheless, do you know what we expect of you, son?”

“I understand,” Yuta replies smoothly, years of practicing his act to perfection coming into play. He smiles brightly, though he feels anything but bright within. “I will not let you down.”

His father hasn’t spoken through the meal, opting instead to stare at the decorations that furnish the dining room. It’s nothing new, not to Yuta, who isn’t even used to him being home. To Yuta, he is merely a ghost, a presence in the room that Yuta doesn’t quite know how to acknowledge.

When he sees his father’s lips tilt upwards is when he knows he was listening.

Yuta bites down on his spoon to contain the sound that bubbles furiously at the back of his throat, refusing to let his emotions take control of him. He doesn’t know where it comes from, but he knows that he can’t let it spill past his lips. Not here, and not in front of them. 

Yuta knows he’s so much stronger than that.

Later, when he’s alone and the sun has long set, Yuta lets the sound out and finds out that it was a sob. Yuta cries into his blanket for a good portion of the night, hoping the thick fabric is enough to muffle and conceal his distress from the world beyond. 

After all, this side of his face isn’t meant to be shown to anyone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw / child abuse, if you wish to skip past it, skip the final + divider until the bolded text messages

Yuta beats Jaehyun in the physics test, scoring ahead of his rival by a mere half-point and missing a perfect score by just two points.

It’s nowhere near enough for Yuta.

“Nakamoto,” Jaehyun calls out after the class is dismissed and all life left within the room is himself, slouched over his desk, and Jaehyun who packs his books into his bag across the room.

Yuta lifts himself up from his position, meeting Jaehyun’s eye and he sees something in the other’s expression that he can’t quite place. Yuta thinks that he could be given thousands of years and he still wouldn’t come anywhere close to figuring out Jaehyun.

“Jeong,” Yuta replies, finding his surname slipping off his tongue like it’s the only thing that was ever meant to leave his mouth. It’s a bitter taste that hits the back of his throat, Yuta swallows it down like medicine and hopes Jaehyun doesn’t notice.

Jaehyun picks up his bag and slings it over his shoulder, walking closer to Yuta with half a smile on his lips, the right side quirking upwards. Yuta knows it’s insincere, everything about Jaehyun has always been wrong. 

Jaehyun leans on the desk right beside Yuta’s, staring down at him for a beat that goes on too long. Yuta hates how he has to look up to face Jaehyun, but isn’t quite in the mood to get up from his seat yet.

“Congratulations,” Jaehyun says, licking his lips as he continues to stare at Yuta. It’s getting a little unnerving, to be honest, and Yuta is starting to feel like maybe Jaehyun’s here to finally kill him. A dimple pops out as Jaehyun widens his smile, though, Yuta notes that it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You did well.”

“Weren’t you gonna beat me?” Yuta asks, trying to sound smug, though he doesn’t feel anywhere near it. He watches as Jaehyun clenches his fists by the sides of his thighs and he swears Jaehyun’s jawline wasn't that prominent just a moment earlier. “What happened, Jeong?”

“It was close,” Jaehyun says, voice coming out clipped and almost breathless. “I’ll get you next time.”

“If I had a dollar for every time you've said that and not followed through,” Yuta breathes out, noting how Jaehyun’s face is a little too close to his. He keeps his eyes trained on the other, reluctant to back down against someone he’s gone up against for so many years. “I’d have a lot of fucking money, Jeong Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun blinks at him, looking almost strangled before he rolls his eyes and huffs. “Whatever.” With that, he spins on his heel and walks out of the classroom, leaving Yuta alone. Yuta notices his legs shaking with every step and the way he stumbles on the way out, but refuses to mention it. He has no intention to further embarrass Jaehyun through any non-academic matters, that’s not the way they work. 

The foundation of Yuta and Jaehyun’s relationship has always been competition, even when they were younger and so much more innocent. Back before they even knew the definition of competitiveness, it has always been like this between them.

Even if, at one point, the competition had been shrouded heavily by childish love and a friendship Yuta almost hates to remember.

+

“You’re crazy,” Taeyong comments over lunch, looking over Yuta’s grade slip. “I would honestly kill to have even twenty points under your score.”

Johnny snorts, rolling his eyes at their friend. “Yong, not everyone is gonna be satisfied with the bare minimum. Some of us actually enjoy seeing a number higher than 20 on our- ow!” Yuta instinctively flinches when he sees Taeyong raise his hand and hit Johnny on the shoulder. 

“He’s right, you know,” Yuta adds, feeling his foul move dissolve upon talking to his friends. “Try doing some math instead of watching those Kagehina compilations on youtube.”

“They’re funny as fuck, though,” Taeyong insists with a pout. “They remind me of you and Jaehyun.”

“Everything reminds you of them,” Johnny says, rolling his eyes as Yuta pretends to have not heard Taeyong. He lightly hits Taeyong on the head. “By the way, I’m gonna have to cancel on Saturday.”

“What? Why?” Taeyong asks. Since middle school, it has been something like a tradition for Taeyong and Johnny to have dinner together every Saturday, Yuta rarely joins in because he is rarely even allowed out of the house on weekends. Aside from that, he knows how much time with Johnny means to Taeyong and he doesn’t want to intrude into a space that he knows he’s not fully welcome in.

He watches with disguised interest as Johnny scratches the back of his head awkwardly, Taeyong’s eyes are nearly bugging out of his face and he somehow still looks handsome.

“Doyoung needs someone to accompany him to Chanyeol’s party and I agreed without looking at the date. I’m sorry, Yong.”

“Doyoung,” Yuta muses, butting into the conversation from where he’s pretty sure the other two had already forgotten he was. “Like, Kim Doyoung, your ex?”

“There isn’t exactly another Kim Doyoung around here, is there?” Johnny says with a simple shrug. “Don’t give me that look,” he sighs, looking right into Yuta’s eyes.

“Why _are_ you hanging out with your ex?” Yuta asks curiously, waving the fry between his fingers around nonchalantly. “You broke up for a reason.”

“He broke up with me,” Johnny whines. “My ass doesn’t know why, but we agreed to remain friends, so here I am. I’m going as his friend.”

Taeyong is silent before he smiles awkwardly. “What if I said I wanted to bring you to Chanyeol’s party?”

Johnny frowns, pausing to think. “You don’t even like Chanyeol, you boycott his parties for Baekhyun’s, even though they’re literally the same.”

“They’re far from the same, Baekhyun’s are so much better!” Taeyong snaps defensively, before his eyes dull seemingly at the memory of what they were talking about prior. He sighs. “Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll find something else to do. Have fun.”

“Thanks,” Johnny says cheerfully, beaming and seemingly oblivious to the uncomfortable energy that takes over their table. “I’ll definitely ask you to Baekhyun’s next time.”

“ _I’m_ Taeyong’s date to Baekhyun’s,” Yuta laughs, sending a pointed look to Johnny. “But I suppose just this once is alright since you do need to fix his broken heart.”

“You’re the last person who should be talking about hearts,” Taeyong says, his mood brightening out of nowhere and Yuta thinks he could know Taeyong for a century and he’d still have no idea how his best friend’s emotions work. “Taeil told me he overheard Jaehyun bitching about you being an ass to him in the classrooms earlier.”

“He shouldn’t have approached me,” Yuta says simply, shrugging his shoulders with as much nonchalance as he can muster. He wonders briefly if Johnny and Taeyong can tell he’s anything but nonchalant, from the way his eyes twitch at the sound of Jaehyun’s name. “Like I’ve told him not to all these years.”

“You know he hates listening to you,” Johnny says and Yuta has a sinking feeling that Johnny is about to say something stupid. “Why don’t you tell him to be with you forever? Maybe he’ll leave you alone, then.” 

Taeyong stares at Johnny, seemingly dumbfounded by one of the worst suggestions to ever leave Johnny’s lips. Yuta finds himself rendered speechless by his friend’s idea, he could also know Johnny for a century and have no clue what runs through his brain.

“That,” Taeyong says, punctuating his words sharply. “Is one of the worst things you’ve ever said, but you know what? Jaehyun’s dumb as a rock, I don’t see a problem with trying Johnny’s theory out.”

Johnny snorts. “You’re the last person who should be calling other people dum- ow! Fine!”

“I think you are both insane,” Yuta says simply, deadpan tone leaving no room for other interpretations of his words. “He knows me, he knows that it’s the opposite of what I really want. He’ll continue to bother me regardless. I think he gains energy from it, like how regular humans gain energy from sleeping.”

“Are you implying Jaehyun is anything but human?” Johnny asks, raising his brow. “Because I’m pretty sure he is.”

“No,” Yuta replies, rolling his eyes upwards to stare at the ceiling above him. He pokes his tongue around his mouth for a while, blinking into the fluorescent lights of the cafeteria. The silence that falls around their table lasts a beat too long before Yuta’s looking back at his friends with a small smile. “He’s human, but in the most unreal way. If he wasn’t human, I wouldn’t feel anywhere nearly as strongly as I do.”

“What do you feel?” It’s Taeyong, whose tone is muted, cautious. Yuta doesn’t even have to think, having spent many sleepless nights thinking this specific question over.

“I feel like I need to keep him in my life, forever,” Yuta admits. “Even if it’s the last thing I want.”

+

Aside from being a full-time student, Yuta is also the president of the school’s debate team, the only club that his parents had allowed him to join back when he was a freshman. It had been the hardest thing in the world to part from his childhood love for sports, but whatever his parents had decided on was essentially law for Yuta. He knows he has to obey them to continue to enjoy his own freedom.

His vice-president, Jungwoo, happens to be a friend of Jaehyun’s. One of Jaehyun’s best friends, to be specific, and that’s not good because it means Yuta sees Jaehyun even more than he normally has to. Yuta sees him when he walks Jungwoo to the debate room, chatting animatedly and actually looking like a normal person. Yuta knows better, Yuta knows he’s evil.

He sees Jaehyun again after one of their biweekly sessions, when he leans against the lockers facing the door to the debate room, waiting for Jungwoo to leave so they can walk home together. Yuta will never understand how someone as kind and intelligent as Jungwoo could be friends with someone like Jaehyun, but he respects his vice-president enough to remain polite to Jaehyun when he’s around.

Jaehyun looks terrible today, his face practically drenched in sweat and Yuta swears his hair is so wet that it’s dripping. He smells foul, like he ran a marathon and left halfway to take a dip in the sewage, Yuta wrinkles his nose at the smell but finds that he doesn’t hate it so much. Jaehyun is the captain of the basketball team, so regarding that marathon, he might as well have run one. He looks so tired that Yuta almost feels bad for him. _Almost,_ because Jaehyun spots Jungwoo and smiles so widely at his friend that it makes Yuta sick. Jaehyun’s smile is fouler than any smell he could bring into the room.

Yuta and Jungwoo are cleaning up the room, one of their many duties as the club presidents, when Jungwoo suddenly stops in his tracks, as if thinking something deeply. Right as they finish their cleaning, he approaches Jaehyun almost sheepishly and whispers something in the other’s ear. Jaehyun looks appalled after hearing Jungwoo’s words, before glaring at him and sighing. 

Jungwoo promptly grabs his bag from a shelf and dashes away without Jaehyun, and to Yuta’s horror, Jaehyun doesn’t follow. He stays by the door and folds his arms over his chest, looking rather annoyed. 

“Aren't you gonna follow him?” Yuta asks awkwardly, trying to avoid starting a scene in case Jungwoo just happens to be around the corner. Jaehyun stares at him like he’s grown an extra head and it’s silent between them for what feels like hours. Yuta rolls his eyes before walking up closer to his life enemy. “Jeong, are you listening?”

“Only partially,” Jaehyun admits when he seemingly snaps out of it. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“Don’t ignore me next time,” Yuta mumbles, lips pursing together after each word. “I said aren't you gonna follow him? Jungwoo left, like, three minutes ago. In fact, you probably won’t be able to catch up to him now.”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “He ditched me, I don’t know why.”

“I can imagine why, you’re pretty annoying,” Yuta says, though he finds his tone lacks the bite it normally comes with. He must be tired, that must be it. Jaehyun looks at him with shock written all over his face, his jaw slack.

“Are you,” he starts, but promptly cuts himself off by shaking his head rather furiously. He reaches up and claps himself on the face. “Never mind, anyways, I was waiting for you.”

Yuta tilts his head in confusion, silently urging Jaehyun to continue. Jaehyun sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “It’s pretty dark outside, let’s walk home together.”

“Why would I walk home with you?” Yuta asks, genuinely shocked by Jaehyun’s straightforwardness. An odd expression clouds Jaehyun’s face and Yuta feels almost threatened by it. He decides to play along, to spare his life from the darkness of Jaehyun’s look. “Fine, whatever, but you owe me for making me put up with your ass, Jeong.”

Jaehyun smiles, sickeningly sweet, and his dimples pop out in the most horrible, disgusting way possible. Yuta remembers a time so long ago when he used to poke at his dimples with his index finger, something that annoyed Jaehyun greatly.

If Yuta bothered to try and recall more of their shared youth, perhaps he’d realise that Jaehyun never stopped him.

Jaehyun leans in a little too closely to Yuta, his smile still plastered across his face. “I don’t know why you think I’m so awful,” his tone is low when he speaks, more like a whisper than anything, and Yuta feels his stomach drop. “But whatever it is, I can assure you I’m not even half as bad as you think I am.”

Jaehyun’s hands are warm against Yuta’s shoulders, he can feel the heat seeping through the thin fabric of his shirt. Yuta pauses, and when he finally realises what Jaehyun’s doing, he shrugs him off. “Don’t touch me, Jeong,” he hisses, noticing how his tone sounds so much weaker than usual. Jaehyun’s smile doesn’t waver, but he does take his hands off Yuta, and Yuta doesn’t know why it leaves him feeling rather empty.

“Whatever you say, Nakamoto.”

+

“Man,” Jaehyun whines as they walk back, his hands are shoved deep into his pockets. It’s a colder night than usual, with it still being the earlier half of fall, Yuta suppresses a shiver. “What you said to me in the classroom earlier today was so mean.”

Yuta recalls memories from the day, thinking back on what he said, and he remembers after a while. “In my defence, you never do follow through on your word. You’re all talk.”

If Jaehyun is offended, he doesn’t show it. He laughs good-naturedly and Yuta almost forgets that this guy is supposed to be his enemy. He doesn’t, though, because hating Jaehyun is the core of his personality. “If I really beat you, you’ll actually kill me, won’t you?”

Yuta shrugs. “Knowing your address makes it easier for me. I will not have you jeopardise my valedictorian spot.”

“Trust me, I don’t want it.” Jaehyun laughs and Yuta feels anger bubble at the back of his throat. He doesn’t snap, not then, and instead swallows it down and pretends it doesn’t burn more harshly than anything he’s ever tasted. “I wouldn’t want my little _Yuta_ upset with me.”

Many people have called Yuta by his name, after all, it is his name, hearing it shouldn’t have such a strong effect on him. Jaehyun, however, is different. Jaehyun has always been different.

_Yuta_ sounds both wrong and right on his tongue, a complicated mix of feelings that blend together, leaving Yuta stunned. It doesn’t last long, Yuta is quick to recover, but he can’t stop the way Jaehyun’s voice plays repeatedly at the back of his mind. 

“I’m always upset with you,” Yuta snorts, looking at the ground. He and Jaehyun walk one tile apart, far enough to not look like close friends, but close enough to let the world know that they at least knew of each other. They turn the block and arrive at Yuta’s house. “It’s like you were made to annoy me.”

Jaehyun grins, Yuta catches sight of his perfect teeth when they pass by a street lamp that casts a warm glow over. “In a way, doesn’t that mean that I was made for you?”

“Will you just go home before my mother sees you?” Yuta groans, reaching out and shoving him lightly. When Jaehyun doesn’t budge, Yuta contemplates shoving him harder and hopefully breaking his nose on the pavement. “Are you listening to me?” Yuta asks, preparing to kick Jaehyun’s leg to bring him back to reality when the other quickly grabs his hand. Yuta stares at him, dumbfounded, until he follows Jaehyun’s eyes and he sees his parents standing at the entrance to their house, the door wide open.

“Ah, fuck,” Yuta curses under his breath. They walk to the entrance of his house together, with Jaehyun refusing to let go of Yuta’s hand for reasons Yuta doesn’t know. He watches Jaehyun courteously bow to his parents, smiling charmingly at them. His mother smiles back at Jaehyun, his father looks disinterested, but Yuta can tell he’s paying more attention than usual.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you again,” he says, his tone is charming. “I hope you aren’t bothered by seeing me around so much, your son is just an excellent study partner for me.”

“Of course, he is. We raised him ourselves,” his mother replies fondly. Yuta almost retches there because even the janitors in school raised him better than his parents ever have. “You’re always welcome, Jaehyun. You have always been.”

“It’s a great honour to me, Ma’am,” Jaehyun says respectfully. “I should head home now, my father is expecting me for dinner. He sends you his regards, by the way.”

Yuta’s mother nods thoughtfully. “I appreciate it, thank you. We don’t want to hold you up, you may leave.”

Jaehyun bows once more before he waves goodbye to Yuta. Yuta watches as Jaehyun walks away, staying by the door even after his parents had retreated back into their house. He waits until Jaehyun disappears at the turn before heading inside.

+

“Two points,” his mother repeats slowly, holding Yuta’s test paper in her hands and tracing over the red ink at the top right of the page. It reads 98 in the worst handwriting Yuta has ever seen, though he doesn’t have the right mind to think about handwriting when the rest of his body is struggling to keep him standing. His left cheek stings, a different sensation from the feeling of the slap that he’s used to. He looks at his mother’s hand and notices the array of rings that decorate her fingers. 

The tips of her fingers are smeared with the same unforgiving red as the ink on his test paper. That’s when Yuta realises he’s probably bleeding, though the ringing in his ears is loud enough to distract him from the physical pain. His mother regains her composure and looks upon him coldly. “Won’t you do better for your mother next time? What school would accept a score like this?”

Yuta bows his head. “I’m sorry, I’ll do better.”

His father, who has been sitting on one of the armchairs in their living room during the whole ordeal, reading a book and ignoring the spat between his wife and son, simply chuckles to himself. “You better, because that other kid stands at your level, and I can see the hungry glint in his eyes that’s lacking in yours. He will soon overtake you.”

Yuta purses his lips to stop them from shaking. He excuses himself and leaves, climbing the stairs to get to his room. Once inside, he heads for the washroom that connects to his room, ignoring the way blood drips off his face and splatters on the hardwood floor under him.

He stares in the mirror, observing the small cuts on the side of his cheek, red from the impact of his mother’s hand. He bites down on his lip as he splashes water against the cuts, feeling the familiar sting clouding his senses. He ignores the urge to cry, thinking that if he lets the tears slip from his eyes, he may not be able to stop.

When he’s done washing up, he collapses on his bed. Beside his head, his phone lights up with a notification. Then another, and another, and another. Yuta groans as he sluggishly reaches for the device before raising it above his face to read the preview. He sees the familiar unsaved number that causes so many mixed feelings within him.

**Unknown [20:36]:** hey are u ok

 **Unknown [20:37]:** i’m getting a bad feeling 

**Unknown [20:37]:** hey

 **Unknown [20:37]:** ok answer me when ur free

 **Yuta [20:39]:** go the fuck to sleep

 **Unknown [20:40]:** wtf

 **Unknown [20:40]:** it’s 8pm

 **Unknown [20:40]:** lol grandpa

 **Unknown [20:41]:** okieeee gn

Yuta finds himself unconsciously smiling as he reads Jaehyun’s text messages, when he does realise it, however, he scrunches his face up in disgust.

**Yuta [20:45]:** yeah sure. good night.

For such a rough day, Yuta finds that he falls asleep quite peacefully that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this took so long lmao gn


	4. Chapter 4

“You look like shit,” Taeyong says while fussing over his cheek the next day. Yuta lied about having accidentally scratched his face overnight to his concerned homeroom teacher during his first period. Taeyong, of course, had seen right through him. “Oh, Yuta, what did she do to you?”

“It’s not that bad,” Yuta replies, glancing at the clock that hangs on the wall of the cafeteria. It’s noon on a Friday and Yuta dreads the final ring of the school bell today, sentencing him to another weekend of being trapped in the house with his parents. “She’s just emotional and she’s not good at controlling herself, that’s it.”

“I won’t be good at controlling myself if I ever see her again,” Johnny chuckles lightheartedly, however, he accompanies his words by stabbing his fork into his meatloaf with a little too much force. “I am not above beating the shit out of middle-aged women, especially ugly ones.”

Yuta narrows his eyes. “I’ve been told I look like her.”

Johnny just grins and says nothing more and perhaps it would damage Yuta’s ego if Jaehyun doesn’t walk into the cafeteria right then. Yuta finds himself watching him as he scans the room, seemingly looking for someone. On his left and right, he’s flanked by Jungwoo and Kim Doyoung, there are other people that surround them too, but Yuta never did care enough to remember their names.

Jaehyun’s eyes stop on him and it takes Yuta embarrassingly long to realise that _maybe_ Jaehyun was looking for him. He whips his head away and looks down at his food after also realising that he’d been caught staring at the worst person in the world.

“Jaehyun’s walking here,” Taeyong whispers softly. He doesn’t have to, though, because Yuta knows it already. Claiming to know Jaehyun better than he knows himself is bold but Yuta can say with confidence that he knows Jaehyun better than most people do. 

“Almost didn’t recognise you there,” Jaehyun says and Yuta can feel him standing right behind him. He doesn’t turn to face him, instead he focuses on his half-eaten portion of meatloaf like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. “We have a sub for world history later, sit with me. I want to talk to you.”

“What’s in it for me?” Yuta asks, his fork now in hand as he prods at the lump of meat on his tray. He can almost feel the way Jaehyun rolls his eyes, Yuta thinks the other is standing far too close to him. “What’s with you these days?”

“There’s nothing in it for you, really,” Jaehyun replies, and he feels Jaehyun’s palm slide across his back, resting on his shoulder, it takes everything for Yuta to suppress the shiver that threatens to rack his body. He’s about to claim that he and Taeil had already made plans to sit together when he spots Taeil sitting at the table right next to him. He knows Taeil well enough to know that he will call Yuta out for lying on his name, then everyone will know.

Jaehyun leans down, positioning his lip close enough to Yuta’s ear for Yuta to hear him whisper. “Even if there’s nothing in it for you, you’ll still do it. I know you.” His voice is so soft that Yuta knows that even Taeyong, seated next to him, wasn’t able to catch it. He knows Taeyong was listening, he’s incredibly nosey like that.

Yuta feels Jaehyun’s warm breath blowing against his cuts and flinches slightly. Jaehyun seems to notice and his jaw drops just slightly. He narrows his eyes and Yuta notices the way his free hand moves upwards, almost reaching for Yuta’s face, when he stops himself and his hand falls slack against his side again. Yuta clears his throat and nods. “Yeah, whatever.”

The warmth and weight of Jaehyun’s palm leaves his shoulder as the other stands straight from his leaning position. He pats Yuta’s head twice, forcing Yuta to feel his disgusting fingers buried in his hair, before pulling his hand away. Yuta feels the presence behind him disappear and he finally turns around to see Jaehyun walking away, surrounded by his endless crowd of friends.

When Yuta turns back, Taeyong and Johnny are both looking at him like he’s grown a third eye above his nose. “What?” Yuta asks, stabbing a lone baby carrot on his tray with his fork. He pulls his mask down to his chin and shoves it into his mouth like he hasn’t eaten in years. 

“What did Jaehyun whisper?” Taeyong asks, again, nosey as ever. Yuta is about to repeat his words when he stops himself, thinking carefully about what Jaehyun had told him. It was private, words meant only for him to hear, and Yuta has no intention of allowing anyone to breach the bubble that encases him and Jaehyun from the world.

“He threatened me,” Yuta lies. He has lots of experience with lying, having grown up in a household like his own. Lying is something like a survival skill to him because if his parents ever learned so much as a quarter of the truth about him, he can’t guarantee making it out the front door in one piece ever again. “I will not disclose anything else.”

“You’re so cold,” Taeyong playfully sniffles, struggling to contain a smile from blooming on his face. The sides of his lips twitch in a characteristic manner, Taeyong smiles more than anything, always happy. So, when the smile falls off his face and gets replaced by something so much more serious just mere seconds later, Yuta’s heart skips a beat. “Yuta, about your parents.”

Yuta’s mouth runs dry at Taeyong’s words, though he ensures that it doesn’t show. It’s easy to pretend he’s not affected with a mask covering the more expressive half of his face, but Taeyong is observant in all the ways Yuta isn’t. Taeyong would be able to identify a problem within Yuta from just an inch of his expression. “There’s nothing to discuss, Yong.”

“They’re killing you,” Johnny inputs, reminding the two of them that he’s there. He’s frowning at Yuta and it freaks him out, it’s even rarer to see Johnny this serious. “Are you sure you don’t want to leave? My parents said our spare room is always open for you.”

“I appreciate it,” Yuta replies, feeling a little embarrassed to have his friends coddle him like this. “But it’s not as bad as it looks. Besides, it’s only for one more year, then I can leave for college.”

“You’ll tell us when you decide where to go right?” Taeyong asks hopefully. He doesn’t say it out loud, but Yuta sees Taeyong’s desire to be the first to know of Yuta’s plans for the future clear as day. Normally, he is the first to find out about everything Yuta does, but Yuta knows deep down that he can’t promise Taeyong that this time.

He’s already promised Jaehyun, and even though Jaehyun is annoying and Yuta hates him, he has no intention to break that promise. Jaehyun, after all, is his academic rival and so much more.

Instead of allowing the situation to escalate into tension, Yuta just nods. “You’ll be the first to hear after my parents do.”

Taeyong smiles, seemingly satisfied with his answer. Yuta doesn’t add that he intends to tell Jaehyun before his parents. Yuta knows that, as much as he hates to admit it, Jaehyun will always be the first person he wants to know about everything.

“So, are you gonna tell us what the hell just happened between you and Jaehyun?” Johnny asks, derailing the conversation to a lighter topic. Taeyong’s eyes brighten and he turns to stare at Yuta suspiciously as well.

“Yeah, dude, he was all over you. What the fuck?” Taeyong asks, bewildered. He slides his arm over Yuta’s shoulder and leans his head on Yuta. “Nakamoto,” he says in a ridiculously deep voice and Yuta realises that he’s mocking Jaehyun. Taeyong’s lips twitch as he tries to not smile. “Sit with me or I will kill you.”

Johnny bursts into laughter as Yuta’s jaw drops, he pushes Taeyong off him, scandalised. “That did not happen!” He half-yells, voice wavering from the indignance. Taeyong smirks obnoxiously, throwing his arm around Yuta’s shoulder once again and leaning closely into him. Yuta relaxes in Taeyong’s hold and Johnny looks like he’s about to say something when the school bell resounds across the cafeteria. 

Yuta groans, looking down at his half-eaten meatloaf and in an impressive three forkfuls, he manages to stuff everything into his mouth. Right after, he greets his friends a quick farewell before dashing off to get to his world history class. 

+

Just as Jaehyun had said in the cafeteria, Yuta finds a substitute teacher sitting at the teacher’s desk. His world history class is held in a small classroom with only sixteen students in attendance. Yuta can put a name to every single one of his classmates’ faces, something that he often is unable to do. He catches sight of Taeil, who is his normal desk partner, sitting beside Dong Sicheng and talking animatedly. 

He turns to the back of the classroom, Jaehyun’s favourite spot in every class he attends, and spots him. Jaehyun tilts his chair backwards with only two legs of the chair touching the floor as he spins a pen between his fingers. He looks up when he notices Yuta watching him and grins, dropping his chair back on the floor. He gestures for Yuta to come over with two fingers and Yuta obliges.

Sicheng turns around when he notices Yuta walking up to Jaehyun and frowns. He mouths something to Jaehyun that Yuta can’t make out, Jaehyun moves his fingers over his mouth like a zipper, eyes bugging out at his friend. Sicheng laughs and turns back to Taeil.

Yuta pulls the chair out and sits down beside Jaehyun, feeling almost invaded by Jaehyun’s broad shoulders that spill into his desk space. The tables at their school were rather small and most of the time, the students left a small gap between them to give themselves more space. There is no gap between his and Jaehyun’s tables, however, placing Yuta far too close to the evilest person in school.

“I knew you’d come,” Jaehyun says smugly, he sets the pen he was spinning down on the table, forgetting about it as soon as he lets go.

“You wanted to talk,” Yuta deadpans, trying to signal to Jaehyun that he isn’t interested in his bullshit small talk today. “So talk.”

“What happened to your face?” Jaehyun asks, sparing no time to ask questions that dig deep into Yuta’s personal life. Yuta almost winces at the memory but manages to steel himself and look Jaehyun in the eye with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I fell,” he replies, plain and simple. It’s also a complete lie, one that Jaehyun doesn’t buy, if his furrowed brow is any indication of his faith. Yuta doesn’t notice Jaehyun raising his hand, but soon feels his cold fingertips pressed just under where Yuta knows the cuts are. Embarrassingly, Yuta almost whimpers, _almost._

Jaehyun’s voice is low and easy when he speaks. “You should be more careful.” It comes out like a mumble, accompanied by his thumb gently stroking Yuta’s cheekbones. “It’d be a shame to mess up such a pretty face.”

Quick as lightning, Yuta pushes Jaehyun’s hand away, feeling his own neck burn like a scarlet wildfire. Jaehyun’s empty smile sends chills travelling rapidly through his body as he watches Jaehyun’s arm fall slack by his side. Jaehyun’s ears are just as crimson as Yuta imagines his own face to be, he folds his arms on the desk and buries his face in between them. “Weirdo,” he mutters, loud enough for Jaehyun to hear. 

He peeks up at Jaehyun, who has folded his arms against his chest. He leans back on his chair, poking his tongue against the inner walls of his cheek. When he catches Yuta’s eye looking up at him through the gaps between his sleeve fabric, a small smile tugs at the corners of his lips. 

“Is this all you wanted to talk about?” Yuta asks, voice muffled by his clothing. Jaehyun raises a brow at him, urging him to continue. “All you wanted was to know why my face looks like this?”

“I wish,” Jaehyun sighs, shaking his head. Yuta notices his breathing getting heavier and he raises his head completely to look at Jaehyun with curiosity disguised in apathy. “My father asked about you on the phone last night.”

“What does he want?” Yuta asks, surprised that Jaehyun’s father, of all people, remembers him at all. Jaehyun’s father had been the most distant man Yuta had ever met, and he knows his own father.

Then again, perhaps a lot has changed since he and Jaehyun were bright-eyed children who orbited around each other like the thousands of stars above. Back then, Jaehyun had been his best friend, dearer to him than the galaxy beyond. Now, Jaehyun is a nuisance, one that Yuta is stuck with for life.

“He just wanted to know if you were okay, you know he’s always had a soft spot for you,” Jaehyun laughs. “It’s your birthday soon, isn’t it?”

“You ask me that like you’ve forgotten,” Yuta mumbles. “I know you wouldn’t forget my birthday.”

“If I ever get amnesia, it’ll be the only thing I remember,” Jaehyun replies playfully. “Not my name, nor my friends’ faces. The world can wipe my memory but it’ll never wipe you.”

“You’re corny,” Yuta complains, watching as the substitute teacher stands from her desk and walks out of the room, phone pressed to her ear. “Send your father my regards, and send him my parents’ too.”

“You’re being awfully friendly to me lately,” Jaehyun muses. “Of course, you still glare at me for daring to exist within your presence, but you’re friendlier.”

“That’s only because you’ve been so insistent on being around me.” Yuta spins a pencil between his fingers, replying absentmindedly to Jaehyun. “You’ve walked me home thrice this week and now this, perhaps you’ve worn me down for the week.”

Jaehyun’s dimples pop out. “Can I expect to see this side again of you next week or will the weekend return my grumpy little kitten?”

Yuta stares at him in horror. “I am not your kitten!” 

Pursing his lips to prevent a laugh from escaping him, Jaehyun turns away from him to snicker softly to himself. He gathers himself quickly, his composure returning to his usual and he’s about to speak when their substitute teacher walks back into the room.

“Class!” She calls out, it’s the first time she’s spoken since the lesson started and Yuta doesn’t know why, but hearing her voice cutting across Jaehyun’s is annoying to him. “I’ve received instruction from your teacher.”

Jaehyun straightens his back to pay attention and Yuta looks up too, listening carefully in case their regular ( _demonic!_ Yuta’s brain supplies unhelpfully) teacher had suddenly decided to drop a pop quiz on them. 

What happens next is worse than a pop quiz, in fact, Yuta considers dropping out of school all together. “I told your teacher you were all sitting in pairs, so she instructs that whomever you’re sitting with at the moment will be your desk partner and project partner in world history for the rest of the year.”

Instantly, Taeil and Sicheng’s heads whip around to stare at them, bewildered. All other heads in the room turn shortly after, blinking at the two at the back of the classroom. Yuta takes a moment to process her words, before reaching up to press his index fingers to his temple. “God, are you kidding me?” He groans softly, squeezing his eyes shut.

He doesn’t talk to Jaehyun for the rest of the class, not even so much as sparing a glance at him, too busy wallowing in his own misery to even pay the source of his misery any mind. Taeil turns around once more to whisper something to Yuta about switching partners and how the teacher doesn’t have to find out. Yuta is about to jump on the idea when Sicheng cuts in abruptly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” Taeil asks, looking curiously at Sicheng, who blushes. Taeil’s eyes light up in understanding just moments later. “Oh.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Sicheng says, a smile blooming on his face, Taeil follows soon after and the duo are bearing twin mischievous smiles in an instant. “Jaehyun’s lazy as fuck, I refuse to give up a partner like Taeil for him.”

“Sicheng!” Jaehyun gasps, scandalised. A mocking look of betrayal flashes across his face. “Don’t you love me?” 

Jaehyun sounds so wounded, so hurt that Yuta almost falls for it. He briefly wonders why Sicheng picking Taeil over himself would hurt Jaehyun to such a point, before realising that Jaehyun is joking.

“No,” Sicheng replies plainly. “Go make love with your new partner inste- God, that sounded so much better in my head.”

Yuta tries to disappear beneath the floorboards as Jaehyun yells at Sicheng for his inappropriate phrasing. Sicheng and Taeil’s laughs drown out everything in the room, except for a sharp voice at the back of his head, telling him that _maybe_ being partners with Jaehyun isn’t as bad as he might think.

+

Jaehyun walks him home again. This time, he catches Yuta by the side gate of the school, leaning against the fences until he spots Yuta coming out and then cornering him immediately. “I’m walking you home,” he announces, leaving no room for Yuta to argue as he grabs Yuta’s wrist and begins walking. 

“What is wrong with you?” The question falls on deaf ears and Jaehyun’s hold on Yuta’s hand gets tighter. Yuta tries to ignore the way his skin burns under Jaehyun’s touch and wonders if Jaehyun can feel it in his palms. He pushes it out of his mind and pulls his hand away from Jaehyun. “Let go of me.”

Jaehyun obliges, pulling his hand back and opting to stuff his balled fist into the front pocket of his sweater instead. It’s a dull shade of blue and Yuta remembers seeing Jaehyun’s father wear it once, many years ago. The wind blows harshly and Yuta shivers, watching the breeze blow through Jaehyun’s perm.

“Are you cold?” Jaehyun asks, he takes his hand out from his pocket and reaches out to Yuta, before stopping himself and lowering his arm. “Right,” he says, voice almost trailing into a stammer. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Yuta accompanies his words with a shrug, hoping it conveys his message well enough. Jaehyun is looking at him funny, but Yuta can’t be bothered to look deeper and try to analyse his rival’s reaction. “It’s a little cold.”

“You should start carrying a jacket, it’s still the warmer part of fall, but the cold is getting more frequent,” Jaehyun advises, it makes Yuta feel so much smaller. “You were cold last night too.”

Yuta cracks a smile. “Bold words from the guy that got us locked outdoors for three hours in December when we were eight.”

Jaehyun groans. “I can’t believe you still remember that.”

Something serious settles over the atmosphere and it has Yuta’s heart beating faster as he turns to face Jaehyun, stopping them both in their tracks. Jaehyun tilts his head quizzically, waiting for an explanation that won’t come because Yuta himself doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s grabbing the collar of Jaehyun’s sweater and pulling him down to eye-level. Jaehyun’s face is a little too close for comfort, if his warm breaths blowing against Yuta’s chin are any indication of their proximity to one another. Yuta looks him dead in the eye and notes with internalised amusement that the pair that stare back at him are the size of moons. 

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun whispers, his hot breath blasting against Yuta’s face and, as disgusting as it is, Yuta sighs contentedly at the sudden warmth. 

“You said you can’t believe I remember it,” Yuta replies nonchalantly, not thinking much of the other’s hastened breathing. Jaehyun darts his eyes to the floor, confidence gone in a rare display of vulnerability. “As if I could _ever_ forget.”

He lets go of Jaehyun’s collar and watches him stumble, trying to regain his balance. When he finally does, Yuta studies the violent red that colours his ears and the light dust of pink that settles over his cheeks and nose. Jaehyun smiles shakily, looking more thrown off than Yuta had seen him in years. Pride settles in Yuta’s stomach, pride from having broken through Jaehyun’s outer shell in a way no one else can. 

“You still know me.” Jaehyun’s voice comes out a whisper, his lower lip wobbling as he speaks. “Even though you aren’t my friend anymore, you’re still the one who knows me best.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Jeong,” Yuta mumbles, starting to feel embarrassed, himself, as his actions slowly dawn on him. “I know a lot of people.”

Jaehyun’s confidence noticeably returns as he smiles the biggest shit-eating grin Yuta has ever seen. “You’re getting shy, aren’t you?”

“Shut the hell up,” Yuta whines, using his shoulder to shove Jaehyun playfully. Jaehyun laughs and shoves him back. The playful atmosphere, however, doesn’t last long when Yuta finds himself locking eyes with Jaehyun again. Yuta tries to speak, but finds no words coming out so he opts to stare at Jaehyun instead, frozen in time on the sidewalk on a particularly cold fall day.

“I hope,” Jaehyun begins, licking his lips. It’s a bad habit from his childhood, one Yuta remembers Jaehyun’s mother complaining about at the adult dinner table. He and Jaehyun stayed at the children’s table several feet away, colouring with crayons and pretending to not understand a word of what the grown-ups were talking about. He retracts his tongue into his mouth and begins poking at his cheek with it, looking oddly nervous. Eventually, he shakes his head, sighing. “You understand, right?”

The thing is, Yuta _does_ understand. He knows exactly what Jaehyun had struggled so hard to say. Perhaps it was the overly loving bond they shared in their formative years, but Yuta finds Jaehyun second nature to himself.

_I still know you too,_ Yuta wants to say, instead, he finds the words stopping at the back of his throat. Mutually thinking it is one thing, but Yuta doesn’t know what could happen if either of them had dared to vocalise the truth.

A coward since youth, Yuta just nods at his childhood best friend turned rival as the pair continue their walk.

+

Jaehyun actually comes into Yuta’s house this time, which is something rare in this life. Even when they were inseparable, Jaehyun never liked stepping foot into Yuta’s house.

His parents greet Jaehyun warmly, almost forgetting their son who stands right beside them, until Jaehyun takes a step closer to him and Yuta forcibly comes into their view. 

“You’re so tall now, Jaehyun,” Yuta’s mother muses, scanning him up and down, her normally cold eyes filled with an affection that Yuta never received. “So handsome, too.”

Jaehyun laughs sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly as his dimples come into view. Yuta turns away bitterly, his parents fawning over Jaehyun had always been a rather sore topic for him. “I’m sorry for always rushing off and never accepting your hospitality, it’s been rather busy for me, these past few years.”

“That’s alright.” _Wow,_ Yuta thinks dryly. _Dad’s actually speaking._ “But what brings you here?”

“I came with Yuta,” Jaehyun replies, gesturing in Yuta’s general direction. “I wanted to ask for your permission regarding him.”

Yuta looks up curiously and would have to be blind to not notice the way his mother’s smile drops just slightly. She nods to encourage Jaehyun to continue.

“I understand that Yuta isn’t supposed to leave the house on weekends, and I do respect your wishes,” Jaehyun starts, straightening his posture a little so he quite literally towers over Yuta’s mother. Yuta listens to the conversation carefully, not knowing where Jaehyun is going with this. They hadn’t discussed this, right now, Jaehyun is calling all the shots for him.

Yuta’s mother’s lips are pursed now, something that would scare even the strongest of men into silence. Jaehyun, however, steals himself and charges forward. “I was hoping to ask for your permission to have Yuta over at my place on certain weekend days. We recently became partners for our history class and we have to work on a rather big project together, so I request for his time.”

Yuta’s mother frowns. “You can’t do it over here?”

Jaehyun presses his lips together and Yuta thinks he looks quite scary like this, especially since he’s dealing with the woman who is probably first-in-line to Satan’s hell throne. He shakes his head. “Our third group member is Johnny Suh, from what I’ve heard from Yuta, I doubt he’s a very welcomed guest in this house.”

“I see,” she replies, looking deeply troubled for a moment, it’s the closest Yuta has ever seen to her _thinking_ at all. In his defence, it’s hard to catch something as rare as that, especially since the woman’s head is full of air. After a long silence envelops the room, she nods. “You may bring him out on Saturdays, only because I trust you, Jaehyun.”

“It’s deeply appreciated, Ma’am, thank you.” He bows his head respectfully. “May I stay for dinner?”

“Of course.”

+

“Jeong, what the fuck was that?” Yuta asks later, when they’re holed up in Yuta’s bedroom, the only safe zone in the house. “Johnny is literally an English literature student.”

Jaehyun chuckles. “She doesn’t have to know that,” he says simply when he calms down from his giggles. “You’re technically mine on Saturdays now.”

“Aren’t we going to do history?” Yuta asks curiously, met only by a glint in Jaehyun’s eyes.

“That, and you’re going to be with me.”

Yuta feels like a trapdoor has opened beneath his feet, sending him falling into an endless void of Jaehyun’s stupid dimples and stupider perm. 

“You’re taking my freedom!” Yuta accuses and Jaehyun laughs rather deeply.

“I like to think of it,” Jaehyun leans in closely and Yuta feels his heart skip enough beats for the hospital machines to register him dead had he been a patient, “I like to think of it as my final attempt at getting you back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


	5. Chapter 5

Taeyong calls him during and after Chanyeol’s party, it’s a conversation that bleeds into the hours of the morning when the sun rises over the horizon. Taeyong talks about everything and nothing, about how Kim Doyoung is standing far too close to Johnny, how they look like they’re still dating despite having been broken up for half a year. Taeyong texts him with suspicion, wondering why Johnny hasn’t moved on from Kim Doyoung yet when prior to him, Johnny would be dating someone new within a month. For Taeyong, Johnny is the only thing worthy of conversation.

Yuta asks why Taeyong had even bothered going to Chanyeol’s party when he had always claimed the college sophomore hosted weaker parties than his junior step-brother, Baekhyun. Baekhyun is someone Taeyong adores to the point of idolisation and his friendly rivalry with his step-brother is more than obvious. It’s not like Taeyong to support Chanyeol by showing up to his party.

“Something in me told me to watch out for Johnny,” Taeyong admits, breathing light on the other end of the phone. It’s 6am and the sky is still dark outside Yuta’s windows, on a regular night, he would be sleeping. This night, however, Taeyong gives him a reason to stay awake and ignore the howling winds in his own brain. “I think Kim Doyoung noticed me staring, he had the audacity to scrunch his nose up in my direction.”

Yuta chuckles. “You were stalking them,” he says in a mock accusatory tone. He spares Taeyong no time to defend himself, adding “I think he had every reason to look at you like that.”

Taeyong groans. “Are you on my side or not?”

“Not particularly,” Yuta answers cheerfully, ignoring the way Taeyong snorts. A moment of silence takes over their call and it stretches a beat too long, giving Yuta ample time to mull over the situation. 

“You  _ are  _ on my side,” Taeyong says finally, breaking the slightly uncomfortable atmosphere. “Aren’t you?”

“I don’t take sides in friendships, Yong,” Yuta answers back thoughtfully, hearing his friend sigh on the other end. “But if my words are any comfort to you, you’ve always been my favourite.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Taeyong snarks, Yuta can almost picture him stifling a giggle. “You know there’s someone you love so much more.”

“I literally hate him,” Yuta snaps, images of Jaehyun flashing through his mind as he listens to his best friend snicker. He shudders in memory of the evil.

“I didn’t name anyone,” Taeyong points out when he finally calms down. “But you thought of Jaehyun anyway, didn’t you?”

“Yong!” Yuta half-yells, worried that his parents might be slowly waking around this time. He looks out his window and sees the slight pinks of the sunrise on the horizon that peeks through the thin cracks of the buildings. His parents are early risers, as is he, and he knows they could wake up any minute now. If he raises his voice too loudly, they’ll know he stayed up the whole night. “I have to go now, my parents will awaken any second.”

“Keep running from the truth,” Taeyong sing-songs. “I’ll see you in school.” He hangs up and Yuta is greeted by the beeping of a dead line. He sighs and gets up, not even feeling the effects of having been awake the whole night. He’s not tired at all, on the contrary, his body vibrates with energy. Yuta looks out the window, watching a small child chase his friend with a stick down the pavement. They’re laughing and yelling loudly, not even caring that it’s a Saturday morning and the neighbourhood has yet to wake up. Yuta wonders if they know about his ancient hag of a neighbour who definitely wouldn’t hesitate to call the police and fire a noise complaint against them. He watches them run past the block and disappear, his neighbour doesn’t come out.

Yuta sighs, shuffling over to his desk. Without the constant yapping of his best friend over the phone, he feels his sleep deprivation catch up to him. His bones feel heavier than ever and Yuta swears the weight of his body is about to shatter his feet. He feels his eyes droop and wonders if returning to sleep and foregoing his study time is worth it, if his parents will walk in and discover him sleeping instead of doing his work. 

He flops down on the bed, thinking that maybe he could take a cold if his parents really do notice, and squeezes his eyes shut. He’s almost asleep when his phone, plugged into the wall socket, starts vibrating harshly a little too close to his ears. Yuta groans and sits up, eyes threatening to close at the extreme brightness of the now-fully risen sun. 

“Oh,” a voice says cheerfully once Yuta picks up. Yuta groans. “I honestly thought you’d be asleep. Good morning.”

“I was asleep, you asshole,” Yuta grumbles in response.

Jaehyun makes a tsk sound that blares through the speaker and almost gives Yuta an even stronger headache. “Asshole? That’s not very nice.” Yuta can almost hear him poking his tongue around his mouth again, as he always does. 

“I don’t owe you niceness, can I please go to sleep?” Yuta grumbles and is met by Jaehyun’s hearty laugh just moments later. “I’ll rip your hair out the next time I see you.”

“Sorry, Nakamoto,” Jaehyun says, not sounding sorry at all. “Can you even reach my hair?”

“Get lost!” Yuta hangs up and throws his phone onto his pillow, lying sideways on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. His eyes are half shut when he’s awoken, once again, by the violent vibrations of his phone. He groans and lazily reaches for his phone, unlocking it and staring at the notification centre.

**Unknown [06:12]:** na

**Unknown [06:12]:** ka

**Unknown [06:12]:** mo

**Unknown [06:12]:** to

**Unknown [06:13]:** yu

**Unknown [06:13]:** ta

**Unknown [06:13]:** lol ur name is so long

**Unknown [06:14]:** text me back plz

Yuta sighs and closes his notification centre, only to open the phone app at the bottom of the screen. He dials the number that he’s never been able to forget and presses it close to his ear. Jaehyun picks up in three rings.

“I said text,” Jaehyun points out immediately, without even greeting Yuta. Though, he supposes it would be quite pointless, since Jaehyun already greeted him on the last call. “But I like this more. I like hearing your voice.”

“You’re a creep.” Yuta frowns. “Anyways, what did you want me to contact you back for?”

“I know it’s Sunday, but I didn’t get to borrow you from your parents yesterday so I figured I'd come get you today,” Jaehyun replies cheerfully. Yuta’s heart sinks. “Get ready, I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Don’t I have a say?” Yuta tries to argue, but his voice falls flat and he begins to feel something sloshing around in his stomach. It wakes him from his sleepiness, but doesn’t make him any less weary.

“Do you want a say?” Jaehyun asks, the logical answer is  _ yes _ and that Yuta just wants to curl up on his bed the whole day and try to sleep. Though he’s well-aware by now that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep if he tried.

It’s with that, Yuta realises that he doesn’t mind. A day with Jaehyun doesn’t even sound half as bad as spending the day stuck in his home. It’d be the first time Yuta spends a weekend day beyond the confining walls of his residence in many years, and the offer is too tempting to pass up. 

“Fine, Jeong. Take me away,” he says, realising the unusual breathiness of his voice as soon as the words leave his lips. 

“You won’t regret it!” Jaehyun says, sounding a little too delighted for Yuta’s comfort. “See you!”

+

Jaehyun shows up as he said he would and is greeted by Yuta’s parents, standing at the door and looking at him quizzically. 

“Jaehyun, dear, what brings you here?” Yuta’s mother asks, quickly ushering him in. Yuta watches them from the lowest step of the staircase, closer to the back of the living room. He wonders if Jaehyun has noticed him yet, or if his parents even know he’s come down.

Jaehyun greets them politely as ever, bowing his head at the adults as he enters Yuta’s house. The alarms in Yuta’s head immediately ring, signalling danger in close proximity. Jaehyun is truly so evil, Yuta can smell it off him from a mile away.

“I wasn’t able to make it yesterday, my mother had required my assistance with something,” Jaehyun explains, sounding far too apologetic for him to be speaking sincerely. Yuta gags. “However, Yuta and I still have that project to work on, so I came here hoping I could have him for today.”

His mother frowns. “But Yuta has homework.” Yuta bitterly thinks that he doesn’t have any homework, having completed all of it the previous day. His time would be spent revising the same texts he knows by heart over and over again, had Jaehyun not shown up.

“I’m aware, Ma’am.” Yuta strains his neck to watch and sees Jaehyun whip out an absolutely dazzling smile directed at his mother. Yuta gags once more. “I will do it with him, we can go over each other’s work too, to minimise mistakes.”

It’s silent for a moment, but eventually his mother falls prey to Jaehyun’s charms. Whether it was the smile or the idea, Yuta could never be sure with his mother, but whatever it was, it worked. “Have him home by 5, please.”

Jaehyun looks behind her for the first time since entering and Yuta isn’t quick enough to scamper away from his field of view. Jaehyun’s bright smile twists into something smugger, a smirk gracing his features in place of the smile. “Yuta, are you down here already?”

Yuta sighs before emerging from behind the staircase railing that he tried to hide behind. “Yes, are we leaving now?”

Jaehyun nods and with that, they exit through Yuta’s front doors and leave the house together.

The sun beats down on Yuta’s face, a warmth that would be unpleasant if not for the disbelief that blooms through his mind. He’s outdoors on a weekend, for the first time in years. Jaehyun brought him outdoors.

“I think the weekend rule is a little restrictive, don’t you?” Jaehyun asks, Yuta turns to look at him and sees him squinting, hand raised to his eyebrows, shielding his eyes. “People like you aren’t meant to be locked up like that.”

“What do you mean  _ people like me?”  _ Yuta inquires, wondering if he should feel any bit offended by Jaehyun’s statement. 

Jaehyun laughs. “I’ll tell you one day.”

Yuta nods, internally dying to know what Jaehyun is talking about, but externally not wanting to look desperate. “So, where are we studying?”

Jaehyun looks at him like he’s grown a third eye and it takes everything in Yuta to not reach up to touch the skin between his eyes. “Nakamoto, don’t be dumb. We aren’t studying.”

“Did you lie to my mother?”

“You know I’ve never liked that woman, if you thought I was telling the truth,” Jaehyun shrugs. “That’s not my fault.”

“You terrify me, Jeong,” Yuta mumbles, watching Jaehyun throw his head back in laughter. Yuta bitterly notes that Jaehyun is handsome, laughing by himself with happiness plastered all over his face. His black shirt is plain, but it makes him look even more unreal, it makes Yuta’s throat run dry, more than anything. Yuta notices his stuffed backpack that hangs off his shoulders. “So, where are we going?”

“Sicheng has a part-time job in a cafe, I thought we could stop by there, my treat,” Jaehyun replies coolly. 

“I’m capable of paying for myself, Jeong,” Yuta insists and watches in dismay as Jaehyun giggles. He reaches out and ruffles Yuta’s hair.

“You look like a kitten, has anyone ever told you that?” He raises his brow for the added effect, smirk playing on his lip. Yuta’s heart skips a beat, annoyingly out of control, until he registers Jaehyun’s words.

“You did on Friday, and don’t call me that,” he snaps indignantly, Jaehyun only laughs harder and Yuta realises that he’s already lost. He groans and looks down at his shoes as the blood rushes to his face. 

Suddenly, Jaehyun grabs his arm and pulls him in. Yuta stumbles and falls against Jaehyun, who doesn’t even budge at the impact. Jaehyun circles his arm around Yuta and leaves him dazed and confused. Behind Yuta, he feels a bicycle whizzing past them. The cyclist curses at them, but doesn’t stop and continues speeding off into the distance.

Yuta can feel Jaehyun’s arm wrapped protectively around his mid-back, it’s a familiar feeling because Yuta has known Jaehyun’s hugs all his childhood. Jaehyun is a lot more muscular now, years of being on the basketball team seeming to have done wonders for his body. Yuta burns with jealousy, thinking of his own less than perfect body.

Yuta notes that even though he’s out of harm’s way, Jaehyun has yet to let go of him. “The fuck was he going so fast for?” Jaehyun spits, his angry stare almost burning holes into the pavement. He rarely swears verbally, only doing so in states of distress, though Yuta knows his social media profiles are littered with curse words. It’s a rarity for Jaehyun to let foul language slip between his lips.

“You’re squeezing me,” Yuta complains half-heartedly and Jaehyun snaps out of whatever angry trance he was locked in. He tears his gaze away from the pavement and instead looks at Yuta, trapped between his arms.

“Are you okay? You should be more careful,” Jaehyun fusses, still not letting go of Yuta. 

“I’m okay, I’m really okay,” Yuta assures him, thinking that Jaehyun is being a little too dramatic over a bicycle accident that didn’t even happen. Unthinkingly, he reaches up and wraps his arms around Jaehyun, for just a second, before tearing them away and pulling himself out of Jaehyun’s hold.

Jaehyun looks at him, stunned and blinking stupidly and  _ God,  _ how Yuta wishes he could smack that dumb look off Jaehyun’s face.

“You hugged me,” he says, wonder laced into his voice. “Why?”

“You were talking too much,” Yuta replies, turning away from him. “Evidently, it didn’t work, since you’re still talking too much.”

Jaehyun is quiet, before shoving his hands back into his pockets and grinning mischievously. “So if I talk more, will I receive more hugs? Can I cash in ten of those for one long one?”

“God, shut up,” Yuta groans, already regretting his decision to leave the house. He should’ve just jumped out his bedroom window and enjoyed the day himself, but it’s way too late now that he’s stuck with Jaehyun.

“How about one hundred hugs for a kiss?” Jaehyun asks, sounding way too serious. Yuta scoffs and shoves him away.

“In your dreams,” Yuta says, his tone sugary sweet. He smiles too brightly for comfort. “Which way to the cafe?”

Jaehyun slips his arm around Yuta’s shoulders and Yuta, as disgusted as he feels from having Jaehyun in close proximity to him, finds the warmth and weight of Jaehyun’s arm fairly comforting. “Is this okay?” Jaehyun asks, sounding nervous.

“Yeah,” Yuta replies. “Can you just take me to the fucking cafe already? I need coffee or I will pass out on the street right now.”

Jaehyun laughs, shaking Yuta’s body with vibrations. “I’m certified in mouth-to-mouth CPR.”

“Jeong Jaehyun,” Yuta says seriously. “Shut the fuck up.”

+

Sicheng is at the counter when they enter. Jaehyun greets him and he returns it, until his eyes fall on Yuta, standing behind Jaehyun. Sicheng’s jaw drops slightly, but professionalism takes over and he greets Yuta instead.

“Nakamoto, what do you wanna drink?” Jaehyun asks, reading the menu written on the chalkboards behind the counter. 

“Iced Americano, please,” Yuta replies from where he’s slumped on one of the many cushioned seats in the cafe. It’s a nice place, Yuta thinks he should bring Taeyong and Johnny here at some point. Though, judging by the sugary display of desserts beneath the glass countertops, Yuta reckons Taeyong already knows of this place.

Jaehyun returns five minutes later, setting Yuta’s drink down on the tablespace in front of him. It’s a bigger size than what Yuta normally buys from himself since he can’t be bothered to upsize his drinks for an additional 40 cents. “Thanks,” he mumbles as Jaehyun takes his seat across from him. He grabs his drink and takes a sip out of the paper straw haphazardly stuck into it.

Jaehyun smiles, mostly to himself, and when he speaks, it also sounds more like he’s voicing his thoughts out rather than talking to Yuta. “I can’t believe Yuta agreed to get coffee with me.” He sounds too happy and it would normally make Yuta uncomfortable, but he doesn’t mind so much today.

He’s never really minded when it comes to Jaehyun, as much as he tries to convince himself otherwise.

“Have you seen the new drama airing on cable?” Jaehyun asks, drinking his disgusting, warm-looking drink out of a mug. “One of the guys on the basketball team has a cameo in it, his acting is shit but I’m trying to be supportive.”

“Oh? Which one?” Yuta isn’t super acquainted with the basketball team, but he does keep up with them. Taeyong likes them and frequently tries to drag Yuta to their matches after school, even though Yuta would really rather die. There’s something unappealing about watching his ex-best friend’s sweaty high school matches, knowing that he was never allowed to play.

“Jaemin, he’s a second-year.”

“I’ll check it out if I find some free time, then.”

Silence falls over them, and if they were still younger, Yuta would find it comforting, just being in Jaehyun’s presence. They’re a little older now and Yuta feels Jaehyun’s existence like it’s a small bomb, about to set off and blow Yuta to pieces. 

“It’s your birthday next week,” Jaehyun states, it’s not so much a question rather than a fact that Jaehyun sounds more sure of than anything. “Is there anything that you want?”

“I want you to leave me alone.”

Jaehyun grins. “Within my budget, please.”

Yuta sighs and shrugs. “You don’t have to get me anything. There’s nothing that I really need.”

“Okay, then,” Jaehyun says. “I’ll just get you whatever I want.”

“Were you even listening to me? I said you don’t have to.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun replies, voice airy as he leans in closer to Yuta. “But I want to, isn’t that enough?”

Yuta rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

Jaehyun’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and his dimples seem to stare right into Yuta’s core. It’s uncomfortable, the knowledge that even after all these years, Jaehyun can still read him like an open book written in the plainest vocabulary. It’s uncomfortable, but Yuta is glad that it’s him.

If there is one person in the world that Yuta would trust with all of himself, it’s Jaehyun. Jaehyun, who is his rival and the person Yuta feels the most resentment towards, is also the most precious person in Yuta’s life.

“Do you hate it that much?” Jaehyun asks quietly, looking past Yuta and seemingly focusing on the colourful decor of the cafe wall behind him. “Being around me.”

Yuta purses his lips and looks down at the table, studying the small patches of water that dripped from the surface of cups of iced drinks. Does Yuta hate it that much? It’s easier to think it in his head than vocalise it out, and he wonders if Jaehyun will be able to read his mind this time too. Maybe, just maybe, Jaehyun knows what he wants more than he, himself, does.

“You know how I feel,” Yuta says instead, pushing the responsibility of having to admit truths he isn’t even ready to admit to himself.

“I think that for once, I don’t,” Jaehyun admits. “Though I’d like to say that I know everything else.”

Yuta decides, at that moment, that swallowing his pride doesn’t sound half as bad as continuing to look at the expression on Jaehyun’s face. Jaehyun carries a pained look in his eyes, almost like he’s hurt, and such a look has always pained Yuta in return.

Yuta feels a degree of what Jaehyun feels, one glance at his rival’s face and Yuta finds his mood plummeting just as fast. 

“I don’t hate it,” Yuta replies, noting that his voice sounds distant even to himself. Jaehyun looks up from his clasped hands and his eyes bore into Yuta, tearing him apart from the inside. “I never really did.”

Jaehyun looks like he’s about to ask something, but he seems to spare himself just before the words leave his mouth. His lips stretch into a thin line, troubled, and Yuta hates the part of him that wishes he could do something to wipe Jaehyun’s worries away.

That emotion lasts for a second, because Jaehyun is back before Yuta can even register what just happened. Jaehyun, who smirks and teases Yuta a little too much, springs back immediately. “So, you don’t hate it?”

It was a trap, Yuta realises belatedly. The kicked puppy expression, the soft-spoken words, it was all a trap. Yuta nervously meets Jaehyun’s smug eyes.

“I was joking,” Yuta tries. “I actually can’t stand you.”

“You can’t fool me now,” Jaehyun laughs proudly. “I know you care.”

Yuta groans, burying his face between his hands. “Go to hell,” he mumbles to a Jaehyun whose laughter booms in Yuta’s ears.

+

Yuta doesn’t know when but he falls asleep at some point, the coffee that Jaehyun bought for him proving futile when the exhaustion of his all-nighter catches up with him. He doesn’t know how long he spends asleep, but when he wakes up, the sky is overcast outside the many windows of the cafe. Jaehyun is still there, seated across from him and scrolling through his phone. On the table between them, there are three empty cups.

“What the fuck,” Yuta mumbles, sitting up despite the ache in his lower back from his uncomfortable sleeping position. He desperately moves his tongue around his mouth, trying to rid himself of the foul taste of sleep.

“You’re awake,” Jaehyun comments, tapping the power button at the side of his phone and turning it off. He pockets it quickly. “You were out for hours, it’s like 2pm now.”

“You didn’t wake me.” Though meant to be a question, it comes out sounding like a statement. 

“You looked tired,” is all that Jaehyun replies with.

“Sicheng’s shift ended thirty minutes ago, so we should probably get out of here because his nasty coworker’s shift starts in fifteen,” Jaehyun adds. “He hates me.”

“Sounds like someone I’d click with,” Yuta says lightheartedly, still trying to discreetly rub the sleep out of his eyes without Jaehyun noticing. He supposes it’s already too late to try and maintain a neat image, since Jaehyun’s already seen him asleep. Not just this time, but a hundred times in the past.

“Nah, he’s really ugly,” Jaehyun replies casually. “Nothing like you at all.”

“Yeah, we’re leaving,” Yuta says quickly, standing and almost knocking the table over with his knees. Jaehyun catches the corner of it before it can topple. “Fuck.”

“You’re as clumsy as ever, aren’t you?” Jaehyun remarks with a small smile. With that, he picks up the three cups in front of him and returns them to the counter. The employee behind the counter smiles and nods in thanks at him. Jaehyun is back by his side in mere seconds. “Are you hungry?”

As if on cue, Yuta’s stomach growls loudly. He bites his lip as Jaehyun grins at him. “Nice,” Jaehyun says. “Let’s go then, I know a nice place.”

As soon as they step outside, Yuta is greeted by the biting cold air. He doesn’t know when the seasons got so irregular, since it’s still the middle of October, but the temperature had taken a complete 180 from the morning. It had been warm and sunny at 7am, now it’s just cold and miserable. Yuta shivers.

“I told you to bring a jacket,” Jaehyun says, zipping up his own as if proving a point. Yuta rages internally at his assholishness. “Why didn’t you listen to me?”

Yuta’s teeth chatter. “I’m not in the mood for your sass.”

Jaehyun sighs, before pulling one strap of his backpack off and swinging it to the front. Even without his jacket in it, it’s still rather full and Yuta is curious as to what is inside.

Jaehyun pulls out a hoodie and hands it to him. “It’s mine, I checked the forecast this morning, I thought you might forget.”

Yuta stares at the dark blue fabric between Jaehyun’s hands and then looks up to Jaehyun’s face, blinking in surprise. Jaehyun is faced away from him, looking at the pavement rather than meeting Yuta’s eye, arms still extended with the hoodie.

It’s been a few years since Yuta last wore anything that belonged to Jaehyun. He knows Jaehyun is thinking it too. “Are you sure?”

“I can’t have you getting hypothermia,” Jaehyun jokes, his cheeks rosy. “I still need my world history partner, besides,” Jaehyun licks his lips. “I enjoy your presence too much to let you die on me.”

Yuta flushes, pulling the hoodie from Jaehyun even though he doesn’t feel so cold anymore. If anything, his body feels like it’s on fire. He throws the hoodie on and is immediately met by Jaehyun’s strong and distinct scent that lingers on the fabric. He tries to find something to say, but nothing he really wants to say comes out.

“Don’t lick your lips in the cold,” Yuta says instead, mustering as much of his strength as possible to sound serious. “You will get rashes.”

Jaehyun, on the other hand, is too busy staring at Yuta. He looks dumbfounded, stunned beyond vocalisation ability. Yuta reaches over and snaps his fingers in Jaehyun’s face. “Have you frozen? Unlike you, I don’t know CPR.”

Jaehyun shakes his head and reaches up to clap his face between his hands, a habit he’s had since youth and something Yuta used to think was the most endearing thing in the world. “I’m okay, I guess I just didn’t expect my hoodie to look so big on you.”

Yuta looks down and finds that Jaehyun is right, as much as he hates to admit it. The hoodie reaches below his mid-thigh and the sleeves stretch beyond his hands, swallowing his fingers in thick cotton. 

Jaehyun scratches the back of his head. “I should’ve figured, it’s even a little big on me. Is it okay?”

“It’s okay,” Yuta says, willing the fiery heat at the back of his neck to go away. 

“It looks good on you,” Jaehyun compliments, dropping his head back down. “It looks better on you than it does on me.”

“That’s not hard, Jeong,” Yuta laughs. “You’re pretty ugly.”

“I saved you from certain death and this is how you repay me?” Jaehyun gasps, scandalised. He’s met by Yuta’s laughter growing louder and eventually, he gives up his offended front and descends into laughter too. Yuta thinks that if anyone passed them at that moment, two almost fully grown boys laughing to themselves on the sidewalk, they would surely look crazy.

“You’re not that ugly,” Yuta says finally, and before Jaehyun can answer, he cuts him off. “Take me to eat, I’m fucking starving.”

“So vulgar,” Jaehyun chides, his trademark dimpled smile playing on his lips. “Let’s go.”

+

Jaehyun takes him to a restaurant that is a little  _ too  _ familiar to Yuta. Its colourful walls call back memories from his childhood, from their childhood. This is one of the many places Jaehyun liked when they were younger. Yuta hasn’t visited it since they stopped being friends.

Jaehyun smiles at him nervously. “Do you recognise it?”

“Yeah,” Yuta replies, voice far away as he looks around. The warmth of familiarity wraps around him, embracing him like an old friend. He swallows the lump that gathers in his throat. “I could never forget.”

They get a table and the woman who serves them, an older woman who Yuta has known all his life, smiles fondly at him. “Hello, Yuta. It’s been years,” Mrs Park greets.

“It has,” Yuta replies, his mouth suddenly running dry as he witnesses Jaehyun giving the woman a hug.

“How many years has it been since you two have last come here together? Ten?”

Jaehyun laughs. “Only six, but he’s here now. He’s with me.”

She pinches Jaehyun’s cheeks, met by a whine from Yuta’s rival, and chuckles. “Order whatever you like. Today, it’s my treat.”

Jaehyun smiles and thanks her politely, turning to look at Yuta who stifles his giggles. “Piss off,” he grumbles, rubbing his cheek where Mrs Park had pinched him. “Do you need a menu?”

“No,” Yuta says confidently. “I know what I want, it’s the same as always.”

“Of course,” Jaehyun replies. 

Had Yuta paid more attention while watching Jaehyun place their orders, he might’ve noticed how Jaehyun still remembers his order, one that Yuta hasn’t placed in over half a decade.

+

They stay in the restaurant long after finishing their meals, finally getting up to leave thirty minutes to Yuta’s 5pm curfew. “I don’t want you to die at the hands of that hag,” Jaehyun says, referring to Yuta’s mother.

Had it been anyone else, Yuta would be outraged that someone would dare speak about his mother like that. He’d gotten into multiple fights with Johnny and Taeyong over the topic, all lasting not more than an hour, but intense enough to let them know that insulting his parents is out of line. 

But this is Jaehyun, the apple of his mother’s eye and the son she so desperately wanted Yuta to be like. It’s a silent promise to Yuta that Jaehyun would never step in as her son, that Jaehyun hates her, as illogical as Jaehyun taking his place really is. It comforts Yuta.

They walk back to Yuta’s house in silence, Yuta wrapped in a hoodie that’s far too big for him. Jaehyun kicks the pebbles along the sidewalk, humming soft tunes that Yuta doesn’t recognise. Just minutes before 5pm, they reach Yuta’s house at the edge of the block.

“Will you be okay? Should I go in with you?” Jaehyun asks, skipping over the crack in the pavement. Yuta stamps on it as hard as possible. 

“I’ll be fine,” Yuta replies, though he’s not so sure about his answer. If Jaehyun senses the waver in his voice, he doesn’t mention it. Yuta reaches down to the hem of Jaehyun’s hoodie and begins pulling it off when Jaehyun stops him. “What?”

“Keep it,” Jaehyun says. “I told you it looks better on you.”

“Okay,” Yuta obliges too easily, liking the comfort the hoodie gives him too much to put up a fight and insist Jaehyun takes it back. “Is this my birthday present?”

“I suppose so.”

Yuta wants to say something, wants to thank him for the day after realising how much fun he actually had. How much easier it is to breathe beyond the walls of home, school, and Taeyong’s house. The words, however, get caught in Yuta’s throat, and instead he says, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun breathes out, brushing his permed fringe away from his eyes with his fingers. He leaves shortly after, looking back once to see if Yuta is still standing in his driveway. He is, and he waves Jaehyun goodbye.

Jaehyun’s gotten weirder, Yuta thinks as he kicks off his shoes and enters his house. The house is empty and he guesses his parents went out. It’s a lot easier for Yuta to make his way to his room and disappear behind the door, locking himself in.

Later, he decides to text Jaehyun, hoping he’ll be able to get his words out when his rival doesn’t stand so intimidatingly close to him. He’s still wearing the hoodie despite being indoors, it’s warmth bringing comfort to Yuta who worries when his parents will return home. He worries about the conversation that lies ahead, all the words he could see on his mother’s face when he left the house, left unsaid by Yuta’s departure.

**Yuta [19:38]:** Jeong

**Yuta [19:39]:** thank you for today

**Unknown [19:41]:** what’s this????

**Unknown [19:41]:** ur texting me first heheheheh

**Yuta [19:42]:** die

**Unknown [19:43]:** no

**Unknown [19:43]:** ur welcome tho. let’s do this again next week

**Unknown [19:43]:** not that u have a choice

**Unknown [19:44]:** LOL

**Yuta [19:45]:** get lost

His parents don’t end up returning home that night, and if Yuta was a better son, he’d wonder where they went. Instead, he makes himself dinner, enjoying as much peace as he can within the suffocating walls of the house he grew up in. Privately, he hopes his father died on the way home, but he shakes his head and pushes such thoughts away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brain machine broken *thumbs up emoji*


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // child abuse  
> skip from “Facing his mother, Yuta thinks, is easier the earlier it’s done.” until jaehyun’s text messages, which are in **bold**

“Is that new?” Johnny asks, looking up from his laptop and pointing a soggy fry at Jaehyun’s hoodie when Yuta approaches their regular lunch table. “It’s way too big for you, get a refund.”

“Get a job,” Yuta fires back, though his words are completely unrelated to the topic. “Where’s Taeyong?” 

“He had gym class last period, he’s taking a shower,” Johnny says, eyes going back to his laptop screen. “Dude, someone saw Oh Sehun making out with Baekhyun’s college classmate, Kim Junmyeon, near the bins.”

“Sehun’s like nineteen, there’s nothing scandalous about it. Are you reading the anonymous submissions again?” Yuta asks curiously, shifting closer to Johnny and leaning in. He presses his head on Johnny’s shoulder and scans the page. Dozens of confessions appear before his eyes. “How do people find so much dirt on the student body?”

“Our school isn’t huge, word spreads pretty quickly,” Johnny says with a shrug. Following that, he grins like a cheshire cat. “Especially when you give them a platform.”

“Sinister,” Yuta scoffs, continuing to read. Being close to Johnny gives Yuta easy access to all the darkest thoughts of the cohort. He reads about thirty horny paragraphs, cringing internally at the vivid description, before one particular post catches his attention. He bursts into laughter, startling Johnny who looks at him curiously. Yuta points at the screen. “Johnny, look at this.”

_ It’s a bit of a reach, but I think Jeong Jaehyun and Nakamoto Yuta are fighting over the hand of Lee Taeyong. I truly believe they’re in love with him, judging by Yuta’s close friendship with him and the lingering gazes Jaehyun casts at their table. They love Taeyong, and now they must fight for his reciprocation. _

Johnny’s jaw is hanging by the end of the post, he whips his head to stare at Yuta, bewildered. He looks like he’s about to laugh, but is too stunned to do so. “What the fuck?”

“Everyone in this school is dumb as a bag of rocks,” Yuta states. “He's like a brother to me, I’m definitely not fighting my rival over my feelings for Yong.”

“Yeah,” Johnny snorts. “You’re fighting your rival over your feelings for him, not Yong.”

Yuta shoves his friend. “Taeyong has infected you with his sports anime brain rot.”

Johnny grins, before his expression melts into something more serious. “Speaking of Taeyong, it’s okay with you if I take him to Baekhyun’s next party right?” Johnny asks and Yuta suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. 

“That was a joke, John, I don’t even go out on weekends, how am I supposed to be Taeyong’s date for Baekhyun’s Sunday parties?” Yuta says, though it comes out sounding more like a statement instead with his exasperated tone. Johnny tilts his head curiously and Yuta already knows what he wants to ask. “Taeyong spends his time with Baekhyun, himself. He doesn’t have a date, and Baekhyun likes him enough to entertain him every week.”

Johnny nods in acknowledgement, about to say something, when he stops himself and raises his hand to wave into the crowd. Yuta sticks his head up to look in the direction Johnny waves at and sees Taeyong approaching their table. Yuta raises his hand in a wave too.

“Sorry it took so long,” Taeyong says, looking flustered as he pulls out the chair opposite Johnny. “Half the stalls have clogged drains, I either had to share one with Kim Jungwoo or wait. Obviously, I waited.”

Yuta hums. “Jungwoo’s pretty attractive, you missed out a glorious opportunity.” He steals a fry off Johnny’s tray and bites down on it, ignoring the way it basically disintegrates in his mouth. “Why are the drains clogged?”

“The teachers say someone threw glue down them,” Taeyong replies, voice edging upon a scoff as the corners of his lips tilt upwards. “But I’m pretty sure someone was having a little  _ too  _ much action in the showers.”

“Disgusting,” Johnny replies simply, face contorted. “Yong, people think Yuta and Jaehyun are both in love with you.”

“That’s bull,” Taeyong snorts, not even missing a beat. He lets the right side of his mouth tilt into a half-smile. “Not when Jeong Jaehyun’s been pining after Yuta for- ow! Fuck you!”

Yuta withdraws his foot from where it collided with Taeyong’s leg and watches Taeyong seethe at him, reaching down for his leg as a string of curse words leaves his lips. Johnny looks at him, concerned, and he shoves Yuta gently.

“You’re an asshole,” Taeyong grumbles, pouting, and Yuta can only laugh.

“Remember when you put me into a chokehold in ninth grade and I passed out?” He asks, raising his brow and Taeyong has the decency to blush.

“Yeah,” Johnny chuckles. “I also remember Jeong Jaehyun rushing to the hospital and demanding to see you as soon as he found out. You already  _ hated _ him by then.” He uses his fingers to make apostrophes as he says the word hated and Yuta grinds his teeth. 

Taeyong smirks, the pain in his leg evidently gone. “That was cute, he ditched basketball practice to rush to your side.”

“I’m gonna tell the teachers it was you who cummed in the shower stalls and blocked all the drains,” Yuta deadpans, watching in amusement as Taeyong’s eyes widen in horror. He shakes his head desperately, making crosses with his arms in a silent plea for Yuta to not. It’s not that Yuta would ever purposely set up his best friend, but he has the means to. The star student of the school has the whole teaching board wrapped around his finger, they would believe anything he says.

“That’ll be hilarious, actually,” Johnny adds, indulging in their childish conversation. His eyes suddenly light up and Yuta feels his heart sink at the realisation that Johnny is about to say something stupid again. He nudges Yuta playfully. “You could always blame Jaehyun for the cum drains.”

“I could never do that to him, do you take me for a monster?” Yuta asks, appalled. Taeyong raises his brow in confusion and Yuta realises they’re both staring at him like he’s of a different species. “What?”

Taeyong and Johnny make eye contact, narrowing their eyes in concern, before turning back to Yuta.

“You’re not a monster,” Johnny finally says, tone light and easy. “But since when have you cared about what you’ve done to Jaehyun?”

Yuta quietens down, thinking about Johnny’s words, spoken to him in such a lighthearted manner. Yuta doesn’t feel the lightness, rather, he feels as if he’s just been stabbed.

He looks back up to his friends who continue to watch him in curiosity. Their faces are familiar, but so ridiculously blurry to Yuta, barely able to make them out as his world falls to white noise. 

Yuta has always told himself he doesn’t care about Jaehyun, because he figured the more he lied to himself, the truer it would become. Not caring about Jaehyun became necessary to Yuta years ago, to protect himself against all the threats Jaehyun’s existence provided. Yuta ran away when he could and he can’t possibly care about Jaehyun now, right?

Taeyong’s face is still blurry as Yuta buries his face into his hands, sighing angrily at himself. He thinks of the previous day, of Jaehyun taking him out, of his warm smile and all the places that reminded Yuta too much of his youth. The youth he shared with Jaehyun.

Privately, Yuta thinks that he could never stop caring about Jaehyun.

“Nakamoto, you look dead.”  _ Oh great,  _ Yuta thinks. Now he’s even starting to imagine hearing Jaehyun’s voice, he’s truly losing his mind. A weight falls on his shoulder and Yuta registers by the shape and the warmth that passes through his hoodie that it’s a hand.

He looks up and Jaehyun is looking down at him.  _ God,  _ Yuta’s even starting to feel and see things now, he has half a mind to ask Taeyong to check him into therapy after school when he blinks and suddenly, staring up into Jaehyun’s face, his world comes back into focus.

“Did he actually die?” Jaehyun asks, directing the question to Taeyong and Johnny, whose faces Yuta can see clearly now. Johnny looks up at Jaehyun as he shakes his head, Taeyong’s eyes remain fixated on Yuta, nervous worry in his expression.

“What?” Yuta asks, blinking in confusion. Jaehyun’s eyes immediately flit back to him and a small smile tugs at the corners of his lips.

“Little Yuta, why do you never pay attention to me?” Jaehyun teases, a mock pout forming in place of his smile. His dimples pop out too easily for Yuta’s comfort and something flips inside Yuta’s stomach. After, Jaehyun withdraws his hand from Yuta’s shoulder and balls his fist, shoving it into the pocket of his windbreaker. “We have the next period together, walk with me?”

“No,” Yuta replies shortly, slumping down in his seat. He hears Jaehyun huff behind him and he can almost imagine the other rolling his eyes in exasperation. Yuta relents too easily, giving into his lack of self control and straightening himself out, looking at a sulking Jaehyun in the eye. “Fine.”

Jaehyun’s face lights up with his grin and Yuta ignores the pointed, confused looks that his friends send his way. He doesn’t look at them, afraid that his expression might crack if he turned towards them. 

Taeyong coughs awkwardly. “Jaehyun, all four of us have the next period together. Why don’t we walk together?”

Yuta watches Jaehyun’s eyes darken at Taeyong’s words, though he notices his rival’s efforts at keeping his expression neutral. He nods stiffly at Taeyong, and if it were anyone else treating Yuta’s best friend like that, Yuta would spit in their face.

It’s Jaehyun, though, and Yuta is left torn at how he should feel.

“Why the sour face, Jaehyun?” Johnny asks casually. Trust Johnny to be able to pick up the signs in anything that doesn’t directly concern him. Trust Johnny to say the harshest truths with a lazy smile on his face. “You can’t have custody over our little  _ Yuyu  _ all the time, that’s unfair.”

Jaehyun grits his teeth, hidden by his cheeks, though Yuta can see the prominence of his jawline. He reaches over and gently tugs at the sleeve of Jaehyun’s windbreaker, the other turning to look at him as Yuta sends him a silent plea to tone down his attitude. Jaehyun catches it, knowing all the signs and expressions that make up Yuta, and sighs, his eyes softening instantly.

“Sorry,” Jaehyun mumbles, head tilted downwards slightly as he absentmindedly plays with the dangling zipper of his windbreaker. Yuta studies his friends’ dumbfounded faces, Taeyong’s eyes darting to stare right at Yuta. “It’s no excuse, I’m just tired. I’m sorry.”

After a moment of silence that seems to stretch into infinity, Johnny shrugs, clearly weirded out. “It’s chill, dude, but we’ll be late for class if we don’t start running now. Let’s go.”

+

They are the last ones to arrive at the classroom, with Johnny and Taeyong slipping into their usual seats by the side of the classroom upon entry. Yuta, body too close to Jaehyun’s for comfort, scans the room and finds himself dismayed when he finds only two seats available. They’re side by side at the back of the classroom, a spot that Jaehyun has always favoured. Yuta, on the other hand, prefers the front of the room.

He doesn’t have much of a choice now, especially when Jaehyun realises there are only two unoccupied seats in the room. He beams at Yuta, grabbing his wrist and dragging him over to the seats without a word. Yuta relents, letting himself get dragged across the room by his rival in front of thirty pairs of eyes.

Their teacher is the absolute worst in the world, she’s slow and boring, and downright unworthy to teach students of Yuta and Jaehyun’s caliber. It’s no surprise that the duo have already tuned her out five minutes into the lesson.

The first thing Jaehyun does is point a pencil at Yuta’s chest, shit-eating grin plastered across his cheeks. Yuta follows the tip of the pencil, looking down at the blue fabric that sags across his body. “You’re wearing my hoodie,” Jaehyun says, sounding far too pleased with himself.

“Mine are all in the wash,” Yuta lies, knowing he has ten hanging in his wardrobe. None are anywhere nearly as comfortable as Jaehyun’s though. 

“If you say so,” Jaehyun laughs softly, his eyes forming crescents and Yuta feels his throat run dry. “It looks good on you.”

“Johnny says it’s too big and I should get a refund,” Yuta deadpans, feeling the scratchiness of his own voice. “Want it back? I’ll only demand $20 for it.”

Jaehyun flicks him on the forehead. “I don’t want it back, keep it, and keep wearing it.”

Yuta nods, suddenly feeling even smaller in the oversized fabric. It still reeks of Jaehyun’s strong scent and Yuta, privately, admits that it’s rather intoxicating. He would rather die than vocalise it, though. “You’re dumping it on me.”

Jaehyun’s lips spread across his cheeks. He uses the same hand used to flick Yuta to pinch his cheek gently. Yuta does everything in his power to avoid squirming beneath Jaehyun’s warm fingers. “Do you want a better one? I can give you everything I own.”

“Stop throwing your shit at me!” Yuta insists, he watches Jaehyun’s face fall, though Yuta can see something rather calculating reflecting in his rival’s eyes.

“Alright, I could just take it back. Would you like me to take my hoodie back?” Jaehyun asks, sounding rather upset considering he was just grinning and joking with Yuta mere seconds ago.

Before Yuta can think any deeper, he shakes his head quickly. “No,” he mumbles, his voice coming out sounding like a squeak. “I want it.” Jaehyun smiles at him, not saying anything else and looking rather troubled.

The rest of the lesson passes silently, Jaehyun’s leg awkwardly bumping into Yuta’s ever so often as they both struggle to pay attention to the teacher’s drawling voice. Yuta pretends to not notice the way Jaehyun eyes him, not as discreetly as he seems to think, and ignores the way he unconsciously steals glances at Jaehyun too.

+

Yuta bumps into Jaehyun again after lunch break two days later, while he’s entering the debate room in search of Jungwoo. Jaehyun leaves as Yuta enters, not paying attention to his surroundings, and catches Yuta when he walks right into him, planting face-first onto his chest.

“Easy there,” Jaehyun says softly, one arm circled around Yuta as he recovers from his fall. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Yuta replies, his voice wavering a little too much for comfort. “Sorry.”

Jaehyun, to Yuta’s dismay, raises his free hand and ruffles his hair. He looks rather deep in thought for a few moments, before he simply shakes his head and throws a gentle smile at Yuta. “Jungwoo’s already inside, you’re looking for him, right?”

“I am,” Yuta replies, shaken by the warmth of Jaehyun’s hand that seems to pass through the fabric of his clothes and set his whole body ablaze. “Thank you.” He receives a hum in response, one that sounds like it comes from the core of Jaehyun’s being.

“You aren’t so different,” Jaehyun mumbles, mostly to himself though it’s loud enough for Yuta to hear. Jaehyun is looking at him, but his focus isn’t on Yuta, eyes glazed over like he’s staring right past him. “I just wish you were still with me.”

Yuta’s mouth runs dry, feeling the way Jaehyun’s arm tightens around him, pulling him closer. “Jaehyun,” he coughs out, feeling almost strangled. He watches Jaehyun blink himself back to reality, mouth dropping and eyes widening when he realises what happened. He snatches his arm away like he’s been burned and brings it to his mouth, holding his fist over his lips as he coughs into it. His ears tint red. 

“I have to go.” Jaehyun’s words are rushed as the redness spreads to his cheeks. He refuses to meet Yuta’s eye and within seconds, he’s speed walking around the corner of the hall, disappearing from Yuta’s field of vision.

“What the fuck was that?” Jungwoo asks from behind him, laughing incredulously as he makes Yuta aware of his presence. “Who would’ve thought it’d be so easy to fluster  _ the  _ Jeong Jaehyun?”

“Is he okay?” Yuta asks, voice wavering. Jungwoo raises an eyebrow at him. “Is he sick? Did he tell you?”

Jungwoo blinks curiously and Yuta watches a smile tug at the corners of his lips. “You’re worried about him.”

Yuta shakes his head vehemently, which causes Jungwoo to smile wider at him.

“You've never been the best actor, Yuta,” Jungwoo snickers. “But I’ll pretend I believe you, for your sake. Should we start preparing for club now?”

Yuta nods awkwardly, heart in his throat as he thinks over Jungwoo’s words carefully. In the end, he decides to push all thoughts of Jaehyun out of his head and focus on his president duties instead.

+

When club ends, Yuta half-expects to find Jaehyun leaning against the lockers in front of the doors, waiting for Jungwoo as he always does on Wednesdays. This day is an exception, Yuta realises, when he watches Jungwoo head out on his own.

“Why don’t you walk with me?” Jungwoo asks, slinging his bag around his shoulders. “Jaehyun’s not coming today, if you were wondering.”

Yuta ignores the disappointment that settles deep within his stomach and swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth. “I wasn’t curious,” he lies, pretending to not notice the way Jungwoo side-eyes him. “But where is he?”

“I thought you weren’t curious?” Jungwoo’s voice is airy, almost smug, and Yuta hates it.

“You made me curious. Where is he?” Yuta asks through gritted teeth. Jungwoo has the audacity to laugh at him.

“The winter games are coming up, it’s Jaehyun’s last season on the team, so he’s actually still training,” Jungwoo explains and Yuta grabs his phone out of his back pocket, turning it on to look at the time on the screen.

“What time will he finish?” Yuta asks, once again pretending to not notice the way Jungwoo’s lips twitch upwards at the question. It’s already past 7pm, Yuta wonders if Jaehyun has anything to eat if he’s playing to stay back.

“He finishes at 8pm, if I’m not wrong. Why?”

Horrified by the lateness, Yuta gently pushes Jungwoo away from him. “I think I’ll walk home alone tonight, take care.”

He doesn’t miss the soft giggle that leaves Jungwoo’s lips. “Sure, Yuta. Get home safe, alone.” He adds the last part cheekily, before he turns back and disappears down the hallways. Yuta shakes his head to get Jungwoo’s words out of his brain.

He begins making his way down the hallways, walking in the opposite direction from where the exit to the school is. The basketball courts are on the other end, after all.

+

Yuta bumps into one of Jaehyun’s team mates at the vending machines. His name is Yukhei, if Yuta remembers correctly, and he’s a grade below Jaehyun, a grade below him. 

He’s attractive, with a height that would soar even above Jaehyun’s and tanned skin which highlights his features under the fluorescent lights of the room. He has large and honest-looking eyes that seem to sparkle in recognition when they first land on Yuta, pressing buttons on the vending machine.

“You’re Yuta, right?” Yukhei asks, big eyes staring right at Yuta as he retrieves two packets of bread from the collection bin of the machine. 

“Yes,” Yuta replies stiffly. “How did you know?”

Yukhei grins. “Everyone on the team knows you! Well, not  _ you,  _ but we all know of you!”

Yuta nods, feeling awkward as he tries to fish for a response to an overly friendly Yukhei. He doesn’t come up with anything and in the end, decides to just keep making his way to the court.

“You’re coming to the court?” Yukhei asks, quickly running to catch up with Yuta, evidently not noticing his quickened steps in an attempt to get out of the situation. 

Yuta nods. “Is there a problem with that?”

“Not at all,” Yukhei grins. “Captain will be so happy to see you!”

“What makes you say that?” Yuta asks curiously.

Yukhei faces him with an expression that basically calls Yuta stupid. “You’re Nakamoto Yuta, aren't you?” Before Yuta can press further, Yukhei pushes the doors to the court open and enters, immediately greeted by a shout. A familiar voice rings through Yuta’s ears.

“Yukhei! What took you so long?”

“Sorry, Captain!” Yukhei replies loudly. “I ran into someone at the machines.”

“Who is so important that you-” Jaehyun stops speaking mid-sentence when his eyes fall on Yuta, who has just entered the court. Jaehyun looks at him like he’s been slapped with a raw fish. “Oh.”

The entire team stops their practice to watch them, bewildered. Jaehyun walls up to him slowly, like he’s not quite sure if Yuta is an illusion or not, and stops right in front of Yuta.

Jaehyun is in his player clothes, the number 04 printed over the chest and the back, their team name in a smaller font right above. Sweat drips from his hair and Yuta notices that the perm is slowly going away. 

It’s evident that Jaehyun isn’t going to start speaking, too busy staring at Yuta, stunned. Yuta clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and decides to speak first.

“Am I not important enough for you?” Yuta huffs mockingly as Jaehyun’s cheeks flush red. 

“No, no,” Jaehyun insists, voice breathy as his hands fly in every direction trying to get his point across. “That’s not- I didn’t know- What are you doing here?”

So, Jaehyun is  _ stammering  _ now. That’s new, even to Yuta who has known him all his life. Jaehyun, who normally exudes confidence like it’s a hormone, stands before him, messing up his words. Yuta bites his tongue to prevent himself from laughing at his rival.

Yuta decides to push it. “Do you not want me here?”

“Yes!” Jaehyun yells. “I mean no! Wait, yes!”

“What is it then?” Yuta asks, amused and watching Jaehyun’s whole face turn an unhealthy shade of red. Behind Jaehyun, he can see the team slacking off with the captain distracted. 

“Yes. Yes, I want you,” Jaehyun stutters and Yuta narrows his eyes. “Here! I want you here!” Jaehyun adds quickly, rushing the words out so fast that he ends up sounding like he inhaled a balloon-full of helium. 

Yuta laughs. “Okay, no need to get so worked up.” He hands Jaehyun a packet of bread. “Have you eaten yet? If not, you should take a break. Prolonged activity can hurt you if you don’t rest adequately.”

Jaehyun stares at the bread like it’s poisoned. “Don’t you want me to fall and die?”

“Only sometimes,” Yuta replies, waving the bread around. “If you don’t take it, I’ll never speak to you again.”

Jaehyun snatches it out of Yuta’s hands at lightning speed before accidentally dropping it. He scrambles to pick it up from the floor and Yuta listens to the snickers of his teammates around them. When Jaehyun stands, he wipes at his forehead with the sweatband around his wrist, panting slightly.

“Jeong,” Yuta says seriously. “Rest. You’ll burn yourself out if you don’t know when to take a break.”

Jaehyun nods and Yuta finds that even though Jaehyun is noticeably taller than him, he looks smaller like this. He thanks Yuta softly for the bread and shuffles over to the bleachers, slumping down on one of the seats.

“The rest of you should take a break too,” Yuta says, this time, addressing Jaehyun’s team. “You’ve been practicing for hours, if you die, you’ll definitely lose the winter games.”

Yuta watches the team collapse onto the ground, panting desperately, like the exhaustion had just caught up to all of them. Yuta makes his way to where Jaehyun is seated and sits down right next to him.

They sit in silence for a while, Jaehyun’s knees bumping into Yuta’s ever so often as they set their eyes on the court, watching the basketball team collapsed on each other, rolling each other water bottles. Jaehyun bumps their knees together again and doesn’t move his own away this time, like every other part of Jaehyun, his knee is warm too.

“You didn’t get bread for anyone else?” Jaehyun asks curiously, taking a bite out of his own and looking around his team. 

“Only for you,” Yuta responds as nonchalantly as he can. “I came here to see you, not them.”

Jaehyun chokes on his bread, coughing harshly and Yuta grabs his water bottle, popping the cap off. He hands it to Jaehyun, who desperately takes it and drinks from it like his life depends on it. Yuta awkwardly reaches behind and pats Jaehyun on the back thrice.

When Jaehyun finally calms down, he blinks deliriously at the water bottle in his hands. Yuta realises, then, that Jaehyun probably recognises it, after all, Yuta’s been using the same water bottle brand all his life. “This is yours?” 

“I didn’t know where yours was,” Yuta says with a shrug. “It’s not like we haven’t literally shared a toothbrush before.”

Jaehyun grins, though tired, his smile is still as dazzling as it’s always been. It’s Yuta’s turn to feel like he’s choking, head dizzy with the way Jaehyun’s teeth seem to shine in the fluorescent lights. “I’m considering this an indirect kiss,” he teases, semblance of Yuta’s regular, annoying Jaehyun coming back.

Yuta sneers, rolling his eyes as he flicks Jaehyun on the head. “You are so easy.”

“Call me names, I don’t care. As far as I’m concerned, I received a kiss from my precious, little Yuta,” Jaehyun twits, playfully bumping his shoulder into Yuta’s. His expression turns serious right after. “Nakamoto, why are you here?”

“Don’t bring this up ever again,” Yuta warns as sternly as he can muster, bringing a finger up to wag at Jaehyun. His rival simply purses his lips and nods. “When Jungwoo said you were staying late, I wondered if you were okay. Even when we were kids, you never took care of yourself well. I don’t want to see you like  _ that  _ again, no matter how obnoxious you are.”

“Did you have to add that last part?” Jaehyun whines, he stares up directly into the bright ceiling lights and it’s then that Yuta notices Jaehyun’s eyes are wet. His rival blinks desperately. “That’s odd,” he mumbles, voice muffled. “I’m way too sweaty, it’s getting in my eyes.” Jaehyun continues to blink rapidly, which doesn’t seem to help, he moves his hand up to wipe his sweatband across his eyes, before Yuta swats his hand away.

“If you have sweat in your eyes, don’t wipe it with a towel that’s already drenched in your sweat. You’re so gross, Jeong Jaehyun,” Yuta fusses, scrunching up his nose. He reaches into his bag and takes out a packet of tissue, tearing the packet open to retrieve a sheet and gently dabbing it over Jaehyun’s eyes as the other sniffles softly. Yuta knows it isn’t sweat, he’s not stupid enough to believe such an obvious lie, but he isn’t the type of person to kick a fallen man over, so he plays along with Jaehyun’s lie.

Around them, Yuta knows Jaehyun’s whole team is watching them in curiosity, and Yuta knows Jaehyun enough to know how embarrassed he would be if he came to his senses right now. Yuta looks around the room and makes eye contact with Yukhei, who is also watching them with his mouth hung open. Yuta sends a silent plea to Yukhei, who seems to get the message with ease, because within seconds he’s knocking over an entire basket of basketballs and the entire team rushes over to help him pick them up, diverting the attention away from Jaehyun.

“Can we never speak of this again?” Jaehyun asks quietly.

Yuta nods, still dabbing the tissue at Jaehyun’s eyes, rubbing circles over Jaehyun’s smooth skin. “Not unless you’re comfortable with it.”

“Thank you, Yuta,” Jaehyun whispers, voice light as a feather, and Yuta feels something inside him break from the state Jaehyun is in. 

“You’re welcome,” Yuta replies, dragging his thumb across Jaehyun’s red cheek. “Jaehyun.”

+

“That was fucking embarrassing,” Jaehyun groans, slapping a hand over his face. Practice is over and Jaehyun walks alongside him in the dark, the streets only illuminated by the occasional street lamp. Jaehyun has the flashlight on his phone turned on, casting light onto the pavement. “I cried for, like, no reason.”

Yuta snorts. “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, but that was an hour ago. I was weak and vulnerable, now, I feel nothing but shame,” Jaehyun complains, scratching the back of his head. “I am the worst captain ever.”

Yuta doesn’t reply to that and Jaehyun moves closer to him, nudging him slightly. “That’s the part where you disagree and we get into a passionate argument about whether I’m horrible or not and it ends with us making out on the streetside.”

“I’m not gonna argue with you, I do think you’re horrible,” Yuta replies smoothly. “And you’re disgusting, I’m not making out with you on a pavement in the middle of the night, in the cold.”

Jaehyun laughs. “It’s 8pm, you have the sleeping habits of a grandfather.” When they pass a street lamp, Yuta catches Jaehyun grinning.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Jaehyun replies, too quickly for it to be believable. “We’re almost at your block, will your mom break your neck for being out so late?”

“Dunno,” Yuta says with a shrug. “I muted my phone from the first call today.” He takes out his phone to check the notification bar and he sees seventeen missed calls from his mother. He almost swears, but he doesn’t want Jaehyun to look too deeply into it, so he just shrugs again. “No calls.”

“She’s going easy on you today, it seems.” Jaehyun smiles so brightly that Yuta doesn’t have the heart to backtrack on his lie. He nods stiffly instead.

“Jaehyun, I can walk back on my own from here. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says quickly, not giving Jaehyun enough time to respond before he walks away.

Facing his mother, Yuta thinks, is easier the earlier it’s done.

+

“Yuta, are you aware of how late it is?” His mother asks, tone shrill. “What were you doing out so late, and why did none of my calls go through? What do you have that phone for?”

“I was studying with Jaehyun,” Yuta lies, trying to not tremble under the cold, almost deranged glare of the woman he grew up around. “I muted my phone so I could concentrate, and then lost track of the time. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” He bows his head.

Yuta stares at the floorboards, listening to his mother’s footsteps come closer with a sense of dread. Without warning, Yuta’s mother grabs his face roughly, forcing him to look up and meet her icy gaze. Her fingers dig into his jaw hard enough that Yuta knows it’ll bruise and he bites his tongue to stop himself from whimpering pathetically.

“You will answer all my calls from now on,” his mother snarls. “Or I will smash your phone to pieces.” Her fingernails dig deeper into Yuta’s face and he knows they’re drawing blood now, judging by the familiar sting that numbs every inch of his body beyond his face. He bites harder on his tongue.

“I understand,” Yuta replies and his mother snatches her hand away from him, looking at her red-coated fingertips with disgust.

“Go to your room,” she barks and Yuta doesn’t even have to be told twice before he’s scampering up the stairs, running to the safest place in the house.

He rushes to his bathroom to examine the mess on his face, watching crimson drip from crescent-shaped cuts. He reaches up to touch the patchy red spots along his chin and flinches when it stings to the touch. He sighs, dousing his face in water and feeling the familiar icy sting and watching his blood mix with the tap water, running down the sink. 

He takes a quick shower to rid himself of the grime of his day and checks his phone as he dries his hair, finding a few text messages from Jaehyun.

**Unknown [20:56]:** are u ok

**Unknown [20:57]:** i didn’t mean to snoop i swear

**Unknown [20:58]:** but i heard ur mom yelling while i was leaving

**Unknown [20:58]:** yuta

**Unknown [20:59]:** are u ok???

**Yuta [21:13]:** i’m okay

**Yuta [21:13]:** sorry you heard that, my mom tends to lose her temper quite easily

**Unknown [21:14]:** i know :/

**Unknown [21:14]:** did she do anything to you??

**Yuta [21:16]:** she beat my fucking ass LMAO

**Yuta [21:17]:** i’ll survive

**Unknown [21:18]:** yeah but

**Unknown [21:18]:** surviving isn’t enough

**Unknown [21:19]:** u need to live too

Yuta sighs, plugging his phone in to charge and lying on his bed, staring at the empty ceiling above him. Jaehyun’s text resonates so loudly in Yuta’s head that he can almost imagine his rival saying it. 

To live, Yuta thinks, to be alive. When does he feel alive? 

He shuts his eyes and all he can think about is Jaehyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi i thought i’d just take the moment to say that i rly do appreciate every comment left for me on this fic n i’m so sorry for being so bad at replying to them i am mentally ill *sob* anyways gn


	7. Chapter 7

Yuta sighs when he looks into the mirror the next day, seeing the blue marks that line his jaw and the small, crescent-shaped scabs that decorate the new colours on his face. His jaw stings to the touch and aches when he moves it, but Yuta finds that he doesn’t mind it so much. The last thing he wants is to go to school and have the entire student body look at him funny for the fingerprint marks along his face, but he knows he has no choice.

That dragging himself to school is easier than staying home and risking himself at the hands of his parents.

He knows his father is already gone, leaving like the silent winds early in the morning, to a job he loves more than he loves his son. His mother, however, is more of a wildcard. Yuta never knows what she’s doing, but he hopes she’s out. 

Yuta sighs contentedly when he emerges from his room and finds not a trace of life in the house aside from himself. His parents seem to have both left, now all that’s left for him to do is leave without running into anyone he knows.

That plan falls flat on its face when Yuta exits his front door and finds Jaehyun leaning against the railing of his deck, eyes shut and arms crossed. He opens his eyes at the sound of Yuta closing the door carefully and grins brightly at him. “Good morning.” His eyes form crescents as he smiles, dimples deep on his cheek.

Yuta blinks wearily at him, like Jaehyun is a hallucination that will disappear at any second. He squeezes his eyes shut, watching static-like images dance behind his eyelids, before opening them and finding Jaehyun still standing before him, now looking at him curiously.

“Why are you here?” Yuta asks dumbly, when he’s sure Jaehyun is really there and his mind isn’t playing tricks on him.

Jaehyun chuckles, mostly to himself as his eyes stare past Yuta for a split second. He shakes his head gently. “You know why.”

As much as Yuta hates to admit it, he does understand the hidden meaning behind Jaehyun’s confident tone. They’ve done it a million times in the past, with Jaehyun coming by to check on him after particularly cruel nights under his own roof. Jaehyun is here to ensure that Yuta is alright. Jaehyun, Yuta thinks, looks out for him as he did when they were children.

It’s been years since the last time, and Yuta wonders exactly when the divide got so large between him and his ex-best friend. He thinks of it as something like mathematics, simple addition when he was so much younger, now it’s spread out. Now, it’s like complicated calculus that Yuta doesn’t even want to solve.

Yuta, however, is good at math. He’s the top of the grade in the subject, after all, and he’s more than capable of solving even the most complicated equations for the graduating batch. He knows exactly when the gap grew so large, he just doesn’t want to admit it. Not to Jaehyun, and not to himself either.

“I know,” Yuta replies, looking into Jaehyun’s expectant eyes and feeling a warmth he doesn’t want to acknowledge travel through his spine. “Thank you.”

Jaehyun nods in acknowledgement before his eyes travel down to Yuta’s chin. His smile drops immediately and Yuta swears that he can see Jaehyun freeze, that he can feel the temperature around them drop. Jaehyun stares at the marks on his jaw, icy, his lips apart in shock.

“What happened?” He asks, voice escaping with a tremor. Yuta can sense the anger behind his words, as well as the disbelief that hides even deeper. His hand twitches, like he wants to raise it, but it doesn’t move from his side.

Usually, Yuta would lie, afraid of the consequences that would come with revealing his less than ideal home life. Jaehyun is a different story, because Yuta finds himself believing Jaehyun worthy of an explanation even if he knows it’s none of Jaehyun’s business.

“I really pissed her off,” Yuta replies, trying for a lighthearted tone. His voice betrays him, coming out higher and more airy than usual, like a fistful of sand has been thrown in his face. “So, I got my punishment.”

Subconsciously, Yuta’s hand moves up to press lightly at the marks on his jaw, the cuts that had scabbed overnight and the bruises that had formed. This time, Jaehyun raises his hand, reaching out for Yuta’s face. Yuta can’t find it in him to flinch away, so instead, he lowers his hands and leans closer to Jaehyun, eyes shut as Jaehyun’s fingers delicately brush against his jaw.

Jaehyun’s touch is warm, his fingertips leaving fire in their wake as he skims them over Yuta’s face. Yuta leans into the touch, into the source of warmth that dances across his jaw. It’s a rather intimate position, he thinks, but nothing compared to how he and Jaehyun used to be.

“Run away with me,” Jaehyun mumbles, Yuta doesn’t know if he was meant to hear that, with his voice so quiet. Yuta opens his eyes and meets Jaehyun’s, staring at him with an intensity reserved for lovers. Yuta narrows his eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat and steeling himself for Jaehyun. “One day, run away with me.”

Yuta scoffs in disbelief. “Do you even know what you’re saying?”

Jaehyun smiles, an empty smile that sends chills down Yuta’s spine, as he strokes Yuta’s jaw gently. “Let’s go, we’ll be late for school.” His voice is breathy and it’s that easy for Yuta to disregard the fact that Jaehyun didn’t answer his question.

+

His school day passes slowly for the first half, dragging between unending classes and the dreadful voices of his teachers. Yuta pays attention, wondering if the teachers will teach anything worth listening to. In the end, Yuta finds that he learns nothing as he already knows everything by heart.

Yuta’s mind isn’t focused on the writing on the boards or the documents open on his laptop screen. No matter how hard he tries to think of anything else, he finds himself going back to the morning, feeling the ghost of Jaehyun’s hand brushing across his bruised chin.

Yuta doesn’t share classes with many of the people he knows, often finding himself squished in the front corner of classrooms, trapped beside people he’s never met before. It’s a lot harder to think of anything else while surrounded by people whose names he doesn’t even know. So, Kim Doyoung comes like a breath of fresh air when he sits next to Yuta in the fourth period, uninvited but not entirely unwelcome.

“Good morning, Yuta,” he greets, voice clipped as he takes the seat beside Yuta before a girl can reach it. Said girl glares at him and leaves to find a different seat. Yuta glances at the clock and finds that it’s already past mid-day.

Yuta nods in response, not quite in the mood to make small talk but not wanting to come off rude either. He shoots Doyoung a smile and ensures he notices it. Doyoung smiles back at him, boxy, and Yuta thinks that he really is quite attractive.

Doyoung had always been beautiful to Johnny, who had a crush on him long before he learned his name. Even now that they’ve been broken up for a few months, Yuta still notices Johnny looking at Doyoung like he’s God’s creation. Yuta can admit that he agrees with Johnny, that Doyoung is beautiful.

“You’ve been around Jaehyun a lot recently,” Doyoung comments, voice slow and easy, like he’s talking about the weather. Yuta almost chokes on his own saliva but manages to swallow it all down with only a slight itch left at the back of his throat. “Why do you look so defensive?”

It takes Yuta a moment, switching between Doyoung’s relaxed posture and the start of a gummy smile on his face, to realise Doyoung is teasing him. His face heats up almost instantly and he watches as Doyoung’s face lights up, his smile stretching wider.

“I’m not defensive,” Yuta denies, trying to relax his body to resemble Doyoung’s, but finds the tension in his shoulders too strong to simply dissolve away. He gives it up for a lost cause and hopes Doyoung won’t point it out. Doyoung snorts.

“Jaehyun was right, you really are like a cat,” Doyoung laughs and Yuta is left confused. Doyoung knows about the cat comparisons that Jaehyun has been making recently, so that means he was listening in on their conversations? Yuta blinks dumbly for an embarrassingly long period of time before it dawns on him.

“Jaehyun talks about me?” Yuta asks, voice careful and quiet. He’s met instantly by Doyoung’s oddly thrilled expression, one that scares Yuta a fair bit. Doyoung chuckles.

“You’re so cute,” Doyoung coos, crossing his legs under the desk and tapping his pencil lightly on the wooden table. “You’re all he talks about, don’t you know that? We’ve been looking for ways to get him to shut up about you for years, though I can see why he likes you so much.” Doyoung ends his sentence, punctuating it with a wink and a half-smile. Yuta hopes he doesn’t blush.

“He doesn’t like me.” He ignores the slight twitch of Doyoung’s eye as he speaks. “We just have a lot of history that’s hard to let go of.”

Doyoung laughs incredulously. “You know, I’ve always wondered why you and Johnny were so close. I can see it now, you’re both equally blind.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Doyoung grins as the school bell rings, signalling the end of the period. Yuta finds that he didn’t really learn anything during the lesson, too focused on his and Doyoung’s on-and-off conversation. Doyoung slips him a small piece of paper, perhaps ripped from the corner of a notebook page, numbers scribbled on it.

“We should be friends, if you want,” Doyoung says, before picking up his bag and leaving the classroom, leaving Yuta alone at his desk with the torn edges of the paper between his fingers.

+

Johnny is absent from school that day, sending a single text message that cites him waking up nauseous as the reason for his absence. Taeyong snorts when he reads the message, knowing that the final episode of that corny show Johnny has been into lately happens to be airing at that exact moment.

“I sat next to Kim Doyoung in class,” Yuta says, piquing Taeyong’s attention, if the way his lips tilt downwards is any indication. 

“You’re friends?” Taeyong asks, his voice almost an octave higher than usual. Yuta almost laughs at him, but manages to keep himself stable. 

“No, we’re not,” Yuta replies, noticing the tension leaving Taeyong’s shoulder for a split second. Yuta whips out the page corner Doyoung had passed to him and waves it in his face. “But he wants to be.”

Taeyong snatches the paper from his hands and stares at the numbers written on it so intensely that Yuta worries Taeyong might burn a hole through the page. “Why on earth would he want to be friends with you?” Taeyong asks, sounding rather bitter. When he looks up from the page and finds Yuta looking at him rather stunned, his hand immediately shoots to his mouth and his eyes widen. “Shit, Yu. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that he’s best friends with Jaehyun so it’s a little confusing to see him befriend his best friend’s rival. Not to mention, you’re his ex’s best friend.”

“It’s okay,” Yuta replies, though inside he still feels a little hurt. He stomachs it and brushes it off, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. After all, Taeyong doesn’t mean it, he just speaks faster than he thinks. “What do you think? Should I text Kim Doyoung?”

Taeyong shrugs. “Only if you want to, it’s not my place to tell you who you should or shouldn’t text.”

“You’re saying that, but I can tell you don’t want me to,” Yuta teases and Taeyong blushes immediately, proving Yuta’s point to be true as he darts his eyes away from Yuta, guilty.

“I’m already losing Johnny to him, I don’t want to lose you too,” he admits, brushing his bangs from his eyes with a singular movement of his hand. “Although, I figure my spot as your best friend should be threatened by Jeong Jaehyun, more than anyone. You two have been extremely friendly with each other lately, it’s unnerving.”

“How so?” Yuta asks, raising an eyebrow as he pours cheap ketchup over his meatloaf, hoping that it’ll make the taste just a little more bearable.

Taeyong shrugs. “You haven’t whined about him in a second, even though you guys are always together nowadays. Taeil told me he saw you two walking into school together this morning.”

“Taeil’s a fucking snitch,” Yuta sneers playfully, meeting Taeyong’s eye as they both burst into laughter. Taeyong grins, reaching over to ruffle Yuta’s hair, threading his long fingers through his fringe and Yuta sighs contentedly. He leans into Taeyong’s touch, feeling the warmth of his best friend.

“I really love you,” Taeyong mumbles, voice so soft that even Yuta can barely catch it. He meets his best friend’s eye, his best friend who smiles at him warmly. “I want you to be happy.”

Yuta shifts in his seat, resting his head on Taeyong’s shoulder and throwing his arm loosely across him. “I love you too,” he pauses, cheekily adding, “even though you love Johnny more.”

“You are blatantly cheating on me with Jaehyun, you ass,” Taeyong snorts, rolling his eyes. Yuta watches him struggle to keep the corners of his lips from forming a smile and he lightly punches Taeyong in the stomach.

Though Taeyong never quite filled the void that Jaehyun left in Yuta’s life, Yuta really does love him. His feelings for Taeyong run stronger than his feelings for most people. To Yuta, Taeyong is family, an idealised version of the family he’s never gotten the chance to be loved by. He shifts closer to Taeyong, pressing almost his whole body weight against his best friend.

“You’re getting quite comfortable.” Yuta recognises the clipped tone that disrupts his moment of peace with Taeyong. They detach from each other, both turning to face the source of the voice, and Yuta finds himself face-to-face with Kim Doyoung, who leans into his space with a slight smirk over his lips. Yuta jumps are the closeness, feeling Doyoung’s breath against him from the sheer proximity of the other boy. Doyoung clicks his tongue. “Don’t forget that you’re still in public.”

“Doyoung, what do you want?” Taeyong asks, exasperated, and Doyoung turns to Taeyong like he just noticed he was there. Doyoung’s smile is eerie, if this was a fairytale, Yuta would think it foreshadowed a darker part of his future.

“Is it wrong for me to seek Yuta out?” Doyoung asks, blinking innocently as he grins at Yuta. While many people would find this disturbing, Yuta knows that Doyoung would never harm him, after all, Jaehyun picks his close friends carefully. He watches Taeyong seethe at him in amusement, instead. “You know, Yuta’s really- fuck,” Doyoung’s words abruptly cut off and he’s pulled back by his shirt, body crashing into someone who stands behind him, holding him by his collar.

Yuta looks up and finds Jaehyun gripping onto Doyoung firmly. “What are you doing, Doie?” He chuckles darkly, turning Doyoung around with an expert move of his hand. Doyoung, who previously had exuded a rather teasing and confident vibe, looks smaller when being handled by Jaehyun. Jaehyun widens his eyes, staring down at his friend with a look of mirth mixed with something else that Yuta can’t read in his eyes. “Running away from our team meeting again?”

Yuta often forgets, since Doyoung doesn’t talk about it often, that Doyoung is the student manager of Jaehyun’s basketball team. Doyoung seems rather apathetic towards the role, only sticking around because Jaehyun would wring him if he backed out.

Yuta’s own debate team has a student manager too, Kun doesn’t show up unless he’s needed for a meeting with the presidents or when there’s logistics to be handled. Otherwise, he isn’t called in for club. The same applies to Doyoung, who only shows up when Jaehyun needs him there, that’s probably why Yuta didn’t see him previously.

Yuta wonders if Jaehyun is relieved that Doyoung hadn't been there, watching him cry on the bleachers. Though he supposes that having Yuta there instead, his rival of five years, might’ve been worse.

“I swear I was going to show up this time,” Doyoung says defensively, somehow squirming free of Jaehyun’s hold. “But Yuta called for me.”

Momentarily confused due to a lack of memory of doing so, Yuta meets Doyoung’s pleading eyes with a raised eyebrow. He makes the split-second decision to cover for Doyoung this time, because he knows how Jaehyun gets when people run from him.

His mind almost flashes back to that day, when he and Jaehyun were so much younger, the first and only time he had ever experienced Jaehyun’s emotions to that intensity. Almost, because Yuta shakes the memory away before it can develop any further. He meets Jaehyun’s curious, even confused, eyes and smiles sheepishly at him, ignoring Taeyong’s indiscreet snort from beside him.

“Sorry, I didn’t know he was supposed to meet you,” Yuta apologises awkwardly, noting the way Doyoung’s shoulders fall in relief beside Jaehyun, tension leaving him.

Jaehyun leans down, closer to Yuta, with his lips sealed tightly together. The way he barely squints his eyes brings out the depth of his under-eye bags and pulls Yuta in like a magnet. “Why did you need to talk to Doyoung?” His tone is nothing alike to the easy voice Yuta has grown used to hearing from Jaehyun’s mouth. Yuta can’t quite place it and, honestly, he can’t bring himself to try.

“There wasn’t a special reason,” Yuta retorts, hoping he doesn’t sound as unstable as he feels, every vein in his body alight before Jaehyun’s scanning eyes. “It was just a pointless conversation.”

Jaehyun straightens himself up with another one of his empty smiles, he reaches out and pats Yuta on the head, threading his fingers through his hair and Yuta thinks he can see Jaehyun’s smile grow more sincere by the second. Instinctively, he moves his head up in hopes of getting closer to Jaehyun’s warm palm, dismayed when Jaehyun pulls his hand away, balling his fist and shoving it into the front pocket of his jeans.

“I don’t have practice today,” Jaehyun mumbles, the tiniest bit of fondness seeping into his words as he winks. He sticks his hand out and gently traces his fingers over Yuta’s jaw, just like how he did in the morning. “I’ll wait for you outside the gate, let’s walk home together.”

Without giving him time to reply, he pulls his hand back and turns to Doyoung shortly after and grabs him by the short hair over his nape. “Come, Dongyoung.” Yuta watches Jaehyun practically drag Doyoung away from the scene. Doyoung, who sends him a peace sign and sticks out his tongue while being dragged out of the lunch hall by his friend. They disappear into the lunch crowd a second later and Yuta is immediately pulled by the arm, coming face-to-face with a smirking Taeyong.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Yuta grumbles, reaching his own fingers up to touch the marks on his face, the area still feeling ablaze from Jaehyun’s warm touch. Yuta thinks, mostly to himself, of the way every inch of Jaehyun seems to set him on fire from the inside, expanding outwards and enveloping all of him, until all he can think of is Jaehyun. Briefly, he wonders if he’s insane, thinking about a person that he dislikes this much, Yuta wonders if this counts as an obsession.

He shakes the thought off, focusing on his lunch tray that sits untouched before him. He can feel Taeyong’s gaze burn on him, and Yuta feels apologetic for having to shut his best friend out of his own confusing feelings. If he doesn’t understand them, then surely no one else would be able to. They are his own feelings, after all, no one could possibly know Yuta better than he himself.

He ignores the voice at the back of his head that whispers that maybe there _is_ someone who knows him better than he does, and that maybe that someone is the same person Yuta has spent five years pushing away.

+

**Unknown [14:26]:** hey yuta 

**Unknown [14:26]:** sorry i stole your number from jaehyun’s phone while he was taking a shit

 **Unknown [14:27]:** thanks for saving my ass earlier omg jae would’ve ripped my head off if you didn’t lie for me

 **Unknown [14:28]:** though he looked like he wanted to rip my head off after seeing me with you LMAO

 **Unknown [14:29]:** oh this is doyoung, by the way, but you probably already know that

Yuta blinks wearily at the number of messages that come in at the same time, his phone vibrating from the activity. He reaches to the top of the screen and saves Doyoung’s phone number, the contact name is nothing special, nothing more than his name. Still, Yuta rarely saves numbers in the first place, so this is already more than most people get from him.

**Yuta [14:31]:** no problem, hope you’re okay. did he do anything to you?

 **Doyoung [14:32]:** nah i’m too powerful for that

 **Doyoung [14:32]:** he was all pissy because i was hanging too close to you or whatever i wasn’t paying attention

 **Doyoung [14:33]:** oh fuck he’s coming back

 **Doyoung [14:34]:** nice talking with you goodbye

Yuta blinks at his screen as Doyoung disappears from the conversation, not quite understanding a word of what was sent to him. Jaehyun was upset that Doyoung was near Yuta? Does that mean that Jaehyun hates him so much that he refuses to allow his close friend to step close to Yuta without throwing a tantrum?

Yuta knows Jaehyun doesn’t like him, and he doesn’t entirely like Jaehyun either, but in some way he finds his gut twisting at the realisation that Jaehyun’s distaste for him runs this deep. It’s not that he cares, Yuta tries to reason with himself that he really doesn’t care how Jaehyun views him.

Except he does, he cares about what Jaehyun thinks of him more than he does anyone else. No one in Yuta’s life has complimented nor clashed with him the way Jaehyun always has, no one in Yuta’s life has fit so perfectly the way Jaehyun always has. Jaehyun, to Yuta, is a centre jigsaw puzzle piece, and without him, Yuta’s puzzle would never be complete.

Yuta swallows this down and shelves it away, because he knows, he really _knows,_ that digging into this would bring things to the surface. Things that Yuta isn’t ready to face, things that he’s not sure he will ever be able to face.

He breaks the jigsaw puzzle apart into a million pieces and throws them all back into the box.

+

As he said, Yuta finds Jaehyun leaning against the walls of the school gate after dismissal. It’s a few minutes past 5pm and Yuta is, quite frankly, exhausted from the long day he had. Gym class followed by chemistry was always a deadly combination and Yuta just wants to plant his face into his pillow in his bedroom and sleep for fourteen hours. 

Jaehyun taps at his phone screen, fingers moving at an inhumane pace, before tapping what Yuta guesses to be the _send_ button and looking up to meet Yuta’s eye with a lazy grin on his face.

He doesn’t say a word, instead choosing to start walking ahead and Yuta instinctively follows him, legs moving forward on their own to chase after Jaehyun’s larger steps. “Jaehyun, slow down.”

Jaehyun stops abruptly and Yuta, who can’t stop himself in time, finds himself ramming straight into Jaehyun’s back. He has the audacity to giggle, which would wound Yuta’s pride if it were anyone else that wasn’t Jaehyun. Jaehyun turns around and gently lays a hand on Yuta’s shoulder with that same easy smile from earlier. “Watch where you’re going.”

Yuta huffs and folds his arms. “You,” he points a finger accusingly at Jaehyun, “watch where you’re standing.”

Jaehyun laughs, moving his hand up from Yuta’s shoulder to hold the back of his neck instead, Yuta’s hair brushing over his knuckles as his thumb rubs patterns into the skin beneath it. 

“You used my name.” Jaehyun beams so widely that his cheeks crease with smile lines and his dimples make an appearance. His eyes form crescents as he continues to run his fingers over Yuta’s nape. He looks younger like this, Yuta thinks, though he’s not quite sure whether Jaehyun really looks any younger or if it’s just because Yuta recognises the mannerisms from when Jaehyun _was_ younger.

Yuta rolls his eyes, though it comes without any bitter feeling filling his chest as he gently shrugs Jaehyun’s hand off. “It’s your name, dumbass.”

Jaehyun laughs again, pulling his arm back and letting it hang by his side instead. He inhales sharply, breathing in the cold air with his eyes shut. Yuta wonders if he should kick dirt into his shoes while he’s distracted, but before he can act on his whims, Jaehyun’s eyes open again and focus on Yuta like there’s nothing else worth looking at.

“Do you want to get dinner with me?” Jaehyun asks, fingers subconsciously playing with the strings of his hoodie. He looks almost nervous, enough to make Yuta feel bad about his upcoming rejection of the invite.

Though, Yuta finds that it’s hard to get the word _no_ to roll off his tongue. Perhaps it’s the fact that he hasn’t eaten in hours, or the way Jaehyun’s eyes shine with hope, reflecting the rays of the setting sun. Yuta nods instead of turning him down, trying for a smile. “Only if you pay.”

Jaehyun stares at him with wide eyes, like a deer caught in headlights, his lips parted. Yuta tilts his head in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

Perhaps it’s the sun casting warm glows over the area as it retires for the night, but Yuta swears he can see shades of pink dust over Jaehyun’s cheeks. Jaehyun shakes his head, happiness sparkling in his eyes. “I wasn’t expecting you to say yes.”

“Were you not being serious?” Yuta asks with a frown. He turns away, feeling his face burn. “I’m never speaking to you again.”

“No, no,” Jaehyun chokes out, surging forward in a panic and reaching out to cup Yuta’s cheek. Yuta swears Jaehyun is blushing now, and privately, he admits that rosy cheeks are a good look on him. They make him look innocent, even cute, Yuta holds back the bile that threatens to spill from his throat for even thinking such thoughts. “You know that’s not what I meant right?”

Jaehyun sounds so nervous, so panicked, that it would make Yuta laugh if he wasn’t standing so close to the other. If he laughs now, he thinks he might accidentally spit in Jaehyun’s face, and he knows Jaehyun would never let that go. 

“Come on,” Jaehyun whines, scrunching up his nose. “Why are you being difficult? Give me a break, I don’t hate you as much as you seem to think I do.”

Yuta should probably unpack that, read deeper into Jaehyun’s words and tones to find out exactly what his rival means by everything he says. With the sun setting around them and the temperature slowly dropping, Yuta can’t find it in him to dig deeper into all the complexities that make up Jaehyun.

“Fine, I’ll have dinner with you,” Yuta says, the wind blowing harsher around them. “But I want something too.”

Jaehyun grins. “What is it?”

Yuta thinks of what he really wants from the boy whom he’s known his whole life, who knows him and compliments him better than anyone else. He closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath before meeting Jaehyun’s puzzled gaze.

“My birthday is on Monday,” Yuta mumbles softly, suddenly feeling shy about such a topic. Jaehyun nods in acknowledgement, no surprise registering in his eyes. Yuta knows he knows, that he could never forget that day. “Cut class with me.” Yuta watches his own breath blow at Jaehyun’s hair. “Spend the day with me, I don’t want to be in school.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widen. “Wouldn’t you normally ask Taeyong?”

“Yeah, but Taeyong can’t afford to miss more classes,” Yuta replies, a leaf crunching below his shoe. He looks up at Jaehyun with honest eyes. He feels no shame in asking Jaehyun for something like this because even though they’ve been at each other’s necks for years, he knows Jaehyun won’t judge him. “Besides, this year, I want to spend it with you.”

He knows Jaehyun won’t turn him down.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun breathes out, sounding unsure, tone in disbelief. He slowly begins to smile when he realises Yuta isn’t joking. “I’ll spend your birthday with you.”

+

Yuta spies the last onigiri on the highest shelf of the refrigerator, knowing that even if he tried to tiptoe and reach it, he would miss and embarrass himself.

Jaehyun comes up to him curiously, holding a sandwich in his hand. Rather than going to a proper diner, they had decided on buying food from a nearby convenience store. Yuta narrows his eyes at the onigiri that is just barely out of his reach, wishing he was just a few centimetres taller.

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun asks, puzzled as he follows Yuta’s field of vision and sees the onigiri. “If you want it, just take it. I said I would pay, so don’t worry.”

Yuta turns to glare at him, though instead of backing down, Jaehyun just raises his eyebrow curiously, not understanding what Yuta is doing. Yuta reaches his arm out to the top shelf and Jaehyun follows it right to the ends of his fingertips. Jaehyun looks even more confused, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tries to figure out what Yuta is doing, before realisation dawns on his face.

Jaehyun purses his lips, his whole head shaking with suppressed laughter as he raises his fist to his mouth, coughing into it. Yuta’s hand drops down as he reaches for Jaehyun’s shoulder, violently shaking Jaehyun by it. Jaehyun loses it, laughing like a madman in the middle of a convenience store aisle. “Oh god,” Jaehyun manages to wheeze out as Yuta hits him on the chest. “You’re that short?”

“Fuck you,” Yuta curses, watching Jaehyun wipe at imaginary tears. “Are you gonna help me or should I walk out and leave you here right now?”

Jaehyun grins. “Of course, I’ll help you.” Yuta is prepared to watch Jaehyun grab the onigiri off the top shelf with ease, but Jaehyun doesn’t reach for it. Yuta is about to start cursing again when he sees Jaehyun move, crowding Yuta’s space from the front. Yuta is about to step back and ask Jaehyun what the _hell_ he thinks he’s doing, but he isn’t fast enough to avoid Jaehyun’s lightning-fast movements. Yuta feels his feet lift off the ground as strong arms wrap around his waist and pull him upwards. Jaehyun expertly shifts his arms down to Yuta’s thighs and carries him properly, Yuta’s legs curling around his back. He blinks in confusion, head softly knocking against Jaehyun’s. 

He tries to meet Jaehyun’s eye despite the awkward angle, but finds Jaehyun’s vision fixed on the shelves in front of him. Jaehyun removes one hand from under Yuta’s thigh and lifts it to his upper back, patting Yuta twice. “Can you reach it now?”

Yuta manages to grab the onigiri off the shelf with the added height Jaehyun gives him. Jaehyun doesn’t let go after that and Yuta decides to bury his face in Jaehyun’s shoulder, rather than demand for him to release him. “I’m tired,” Yuta mumbles, voice nasal from the way his nose is smashed into Jaehyun’s hoodie. “Don’t let go.”

“I won’t,” Jaehyun mumbles, he sounds strangled and Yuta wonders if he’s that heavy, before burrowing deeper into Jaehyun’s clothes. If Jaehyun’s knees haven’t given way yet, then he must still be alright with their position. Jaehyun brings him over to the cashier and helps Yuta place his onigiri down on the counter. Awkwardly, he reaches for his wallet in his back pocket with one hand while holding Yuta up with the other. He quickly swipes his card and pays for everything on the counter.

“You two look cute together,” the cashier comments nonchalantly, voice an odd mixture of exhaustion and warmth. Yuta wonders how long she’s been working the shift while Jaehyun almost dies of a coughing fit beside him. Yuta sits up on Jaehyun’s arm properly, turning to face the cashier, who smiles tiredly at them. “On a date?”

“No,” Yuta replies quickly, ignoring the sharp inhale Jaehyun takes beside him. He smiles at the cashier. “My legs are just dead, and we’re just friends.”

“I see,” she says, bagging their food. She passes the bag to them and Yuta takes it, seeing how full Jaehyun’s hands are. “Have a good night, then. Be careful on your way home.”

Outside the store, Jaehyun sets Yuta down, much to Yuta’s chagrin, he stretches his arms out. “Jaehyun,” he whines, tugging at Jaehyun’s sleeve. Jaehyun looks at his pout curiously, reaching out to pinch his cheek. Yuta sticks his tongue out at him and Jaehyun only laughs in response, before turning and kneeling on the pavement. “What are you doing?”

“You want to be carried, right?” Jaehyun asks. “Get on.”

Yuta grins, climbing onto Jaehyun’s back and feeling his feet lift off the ground again as Jaehyun stands upright and steadies himself.

“So, I was thinking we could go to the park? They have some benches there and there are no sandflies at this time of the year,” Jaehyun says as he begins to walk, the sun had set some time while they were in the store and now only a cool breeze surrounds them as Jaehyun walks. “After that, I’ll drop you off back home.”

“Do your parents not care about how late you come home?” Yuta asks, immediately feeling Jaehyun’s shoulders tense beneath him. He repositions his arms around Jaehyun and nuzzles his face close to Jaehyun’s neck, feeling the tension in Jaehyun leave immediately.

“My dad never really gave a damn about me,” Jaehyun replies. Yuta thinks back to their shared childhood, when Jaehyun’s father was around even less often than his own. Jaehyun’s father had been kind to Yuta, allowing him to stay over at Jaehyun’s house as much as he wanted, but Yuta always knew he didn’t treat his son as well.

“And your mother?” Yuta prompts, earning a grimace from Jaehyun. His rival stares up at the clear night sky, stars countable on one hand decorating the darkness.

Jaehyun’s mother was lovely, though prone to tears, her many breakdowns were something Yuta grew up witnessing. He often wanted to ask Jaehyun what it was like to live with a mother so emotional, with his own feeling like a dark shadow clinging to Yuta’s legs and hanging over his head. He never did get around to asking though.

“Yuta,” Jaehyun mumbles, there’s no malice in his voice, rather, he just sounds tired. He sounds aged past his years, worry bubbles in Yuta’s gut. “My mother hasn’t been in my life for five years, now.”

Yuta can’t reply with anything more than a silent noise of affirmation. He feels Jaehyun stiff like lead under him, like all the energy left his body with Yuta’s question, it makes Yuta feel terrible. Terrible because he thinks that this information is something that he would’ve known had he never let Jaehyun slip between his fingers as easily as he did five years ago. Terrible because if only he had known, he would’ve never cut open a wound so old.

Does Yuta regret the past five years spent chasing and being chased by Jaehyun? The past five years of petty cafeteria spats that never escalated beyond just that, of Jaehyun knowing every inch of him despite the fact that they didn’t talk anymore, and of Jaehyun rushing to be by Yuta’s side no matter what, even if Yuta made his distaste obvious. Yuta bites his lip to stop the pathetic sound he _knows_ will bubble out and instead focuses on the threads of Jaehyun’s hoodie.

“I’m sorry,” Yuta apologises, so quietly that had Jaehyun’s ear not been right beside his mouth, the taller likely would’ve never heard it. “I didn’t mean to pry too deep.”

They enter the park right then and Jaehyun’s steps speed up, heading towards one of the many benches that face the pond. He carefully sets Yuta down on the bench, turning around to face him and giving Yuta the first proper view of his face since they left the convenience store. Jaehyun hums soothingly, clapping a hand on Yuta’s shoulder and even in the dark, Jaehyun’s smile is radiant. Yuta almost curses at the thought, instead choosing to focus on the plastic bag in his hands.

“You didn’t,” Jaehyun says, drawing Yuta’s attention away from his onigiri and back to him as he sits down on the bench, right beside Yuta. “You didn’t pry, I mean. I’m more than happy to share anything with you. Besides, don’t you know you’re worth more to me than family?”

Yuta makes a soft, affirmative noise in response as he bites down on his onigiri, satisfied with the flavour that fills his mouth. It’s nothing like the ones he buys in Japan, when his parents bring him to visit his grandparents, but it’s good on its own. When he looks up, he catches Jaehyun watching him like an owl, eyes big and reflecting the moonlight, lips pressed into a thin line and tilted upwards, a smile that isn’t really there.

Yuta swallows his bite, noting the way the rice struggles to go down. He purses his lips and blinks at the grass under his feet, illuminated by the lamp that sticks out of the soil a metre away, trying to build the courage to give Jaehyun a proper response.

“I need you in my life for good,” Yuta admits instead, barely feeling any shame from the corniness of his words. How can he? When Jaehyun is looking at him with pleasant surprise colouring his expression. “I want you in my life forever.”

“We do make terrible enemies, don’t we?” Jaehyun jokes. “Eventually, we’ll be caught by the confession page making out behind the courts.” He punctuates his sentence with a wink and it sends chills down Yuta’s spine.

“What’s with your obsession with making out?” Yuta grumbles and is met by a hearty, bright laugh from Jaehyun, who immediately takes a bite of his sandwich. He chews and swallows before grinning at Yuta.

“I’m not obsessed with making out,” Jaehyun laughs, his tone bordering on teasing as he throws an arm around Yuta’s shoulder. “The idea of making out with _you,_ however, lives in my head rent-free.”

Yuta takes a second to process his words, before feeling his whole face burn up at the realisation. He tries to shove Jaehyun off him, scandalised, but Jaehyun is a lot stronger than him and doesn’t budge. Yuta gives it up for a lost cause, crossing his arms and sinking down in his seat. “You’re a freak.”

Jaehyun laughs and pulls him closer, his laughter almost melodious, and Yuta feels the walls he spent years building up crash down in the face of one smiling Jeong Jaehyun.

+

Jaehyun doesn’t carry him on the way back and Yuta prefers it that way, the wind is pleasant and the walk is comfortable. The streets are empty aside from the two of them.

Jaehyun is silent for half the walk, lost in thought, and he only snaps out of it when Yuta pulls him backwards by the collar of his hoodie, stopping him from absentmindedly walking into a tree.

“Eyes ahead, Jaehyun,” Yuta says, met by Jaehyun’s blinding smile when Jaehyun regains his focus. 

“How can I watch where I’m going if you’re the only thing I want to look at?” Jaehyun asks, adopting a flirtatious tone that makes Yuta gag.

“Are you calling me a thing, Jeong Jaehyun?” Yuta twits, watching Jaehyun lose his cool composure, eyes widening in the darkness, only lit up by street lamps that line the roadsides. “That’s not very nice.”

“Stop being mean to me, you know that’s not what I meant,” Jaehyun whines as they approach a block of houses. The road gets considerably brighter, but Yuta’s heart only sinks at the realisation that he’s so much closer to home now. He knows his parents are home, he can only hope having Jaehyun by his side will be enough to dispel the rage he knows is awaiting him.

They approach Yuta’s street faster than Yuta wishes they would and it isn’t long before Yuta’s house comes into view. He swallows the lump in his throat as they near the front door. Yuta doesn’t know if Jaehyun can feel him trembling from half a metre away, but Jaehyun moves closer to him, placing a comforting hand on his lower back. “Are you alright?”

Yuta nods, embarrassed to be showing this kind of fear, but it’s okay because it’s Jaehyun. He inhales sharply and fishes for his keys in his back pocket, Jaehyun standing too close to him, but Yuta finds that he never wants him to let go.

His breath shaky, he twists the keys and unlocks the door, met immediately by the burning gaze of his parents looking up at him from the sofa. 

“You’re late,” his mother comments offhandedly, before her eyes flicker over to Jaehyun standing beside Yuta. She smiles insincerely. “Hello, Jaehyun. Another project?”

“Not quite,” Jaehyun replies, bowing his head apologetically. “I’m sorry for holding him back, Yuta is far better than I am at calculus, I needed a lot of help today.” He scratches the back of his head awkwardly, head still bowed, and if Yuta was an outsider who didn’t know what he and Jaehyun had really done, he would’ve fallen for his rival’s lies too. “I can look for help elsewhere if me holding your son back is an inconvenience. I’m truly sorry.”

Jaehyun sounds so sorry that Yuta wants to forgive him for something he didn’t even do. Jaehyun is, after all, better in calculus than Yuta has ever been, and yet here he is in Yuta’s house, downgrading himself to protect Yuta.

“It’s alright,” Yuta’s mother decides. “I’m glad my son can be of help to you, he was raised to be of the highest calibre, after all.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun bows deeper, Yuta worries that the weight of his head might send him tumbling forwards. It doesn’t happen though, Jaehyun straightens his back and makes direct eye contact with Yuta’s mother. “I should take my leave. Again, I apologise.”

As Jaehyun begins to walk out the door, he suddenly turns back and smiles, ensuring everyone in the room can see him. His smile is unlike the fond and friendly smile Yuta is used to, but it’s also nothing like the playful smirk that Yuta also knows well. It’s eerie and foreboding, even with his eyes turned up in crescents and a pleasant smile on his face. The temperature in the room drops into the negatives.

“Yuta, we have to film for the project next week,” Jaehyun lies, making eye contact with Yuta to send the message over. Yuta understands immediately, nodding as naturally as he can. Jaehyun clearly knows what he’s doing, he’s smarter than Yuta is, even if Yuta has the top grades of the cohort. Yuta trusts him. “Be careful and don’t mess up your face any further, you have to be presentable.”

After Jaehyun closes the door, Yuta’s mother locks it. She’s silent for a beat too long, looking almost shaken up, before she scowls at her son. “Go to your room, I don’t want to see you tonight.”

Yuta nods, eager to get out of the living room and away from his parents. He scampers up the stairs and slides across the glossy hardwood floors of the hallway on the second floor, entering his room with ease and locking the door behind him. He exhales in relief, thinking back to Jaehyun’s words with widened eyes as he realises Jaehyun’s intentions. His mother wouldn’t be able to lay a hand on any visible part of him now, she believes he’s filming next week.

Yuta smiles to himself, pulling out his phone from his pocket and checking his notifications. Warmth surges through his body when he sees Jaehyun’s familiar number appear on his screen.

**Unknown [19:56]:** dude i had no idea what i was saying

 **Unknown [19:57]:** i hope everything’s okay. i’m still nearby, call me back if you need anything.

 **Yuta [19:58]:** it’s okay, they didn’t do anything tonight

 **Yuta [19:58]:** i think you scared her

 **Unknown [19:59]:** good, she should be scared

 **Unknown [20:00]:** no one hurts my little yuta and gets away with it >:(

 **Yuta [20:01]:** go to sleep, you’re saying nonsense again

Yuta grins to himself as he turns off his phone, hugging it close to his chest. He had a good day, and he has the weekend and Monday to look forward to. He’s in the midst of wondering what Jaehyun will drag him out to do when he stops and realises that at some point in the past few weeks, hanging out with Jaehyun had progressed from being akin to a chore to being something Yuta genuinely enjoys.

Yuta, dizzy from the realisation, opts to shove the thought into a cabinet instead of pondering over it, ignoring the way the cabinet threatens to burst open from everything Yuta’s thrown into it the past few years.

Deep down, he knows what’s going on, but he’s far too big a coward to even attempt to face it. So, instead, he throws it all aside and tries to fall asleep that night without seeing Jaehyun’s face, smiling, burned into the back of his eyelids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was long as hell for no reason lmfao anyways gn


	8. Chapter 8

Saturday comes in the blink of an eye, Yuta’s brain skipping over Friday entirely. Nothing significant happens on Friday, anyways, aside from Johnny receiving unidentifiable nudes on the confession page and proceeding to spend their lunch period washing his eyes out.

He wakes to an empty house, his parents having disappeared before the sun had even risen. Yuta shuffles around the first floor quietly, looking around at the many family portraits that decorate the room. He isn’t smiling in a single one, sullen eyes staring into the camera as if he would rather be anywhere else in the world than having his photograph taken, his mother’s iron claw on his shoulder. Yuta shudders, relieved that it’s been years since the latest had been taken.

He doubts he’ll ever have one taken again, afraid of the soulless eyes that stare at him from behind the photo frame. 

Yuta walks to the laundry room, looking for a jacket to wear after failing to find one in his own closet upstairs. He finds most of his clothes sitting in the washing machine, drenched, and sighs in frustration. His mother handles the washing of the clothes, but it seems she couldn’t be bothered to dry them this time. Yuta pulls out the dripping lump of cloth from the machine and throws it into the dryer right next to it, turning the dryer on and hoping for the best.

When it becomes clear that his clothes aren’t going to be dry before Jaehyun swings by to pick him up, he sighs and pulls out his phone.

**Yuta [10:36]:** Jaehyun

 **Yuta [10:36]:** have you left your house yet?

 **Unknown [10:38]:** my yuta texting me first again, it’s gonna be a good day ヽ(＾▽＾)ノ

 **Unknown [10:38]:** i was about to leave, why?

 **Yuta [10:39]:** i’ll beat your ass

 **Yuta [10:39]:** my jackets are all in the wash, can i borrow one of yours?

 **Unknown [10:40]:** i would thoroughly enjoy having my ass beaten by you (˘w˘) 

**Unknown [10:41]:** if you like wearing my clothes just say so :/

 **Yuta [10:42]:** you can go out on your own today bye :/

 **Unknown [10:42]:** NOOOO I WAS KIDDING

 **Unknown [10:42]:** YUTAAAAAA

 **Unknown [10:43]:** text me back baby i won’t treat you like jaehyun from 2 minutes ago did

 **Yuta [10:44]:** stop spamming me 

**Yuta [10:45]:** hurry up and come over

 **Unknown [10:45]:** are we gonna fuck?

 **Yuta [10:46]:** bye

 **Unknown [10:47]:** OKAY OKAY IM SORRY IM ON THE WAY

Yuta closes his messaging app with a slight smile on his face, entertained by the conversation he had with Jaehyun. Jaehyun is annoying, always has been, but lately, Yuta finds himself softer towards Jaehyun’s obnoxiousness. It’s more endearing to him than anything else.

Yuta decides he’s in a good mood, pulling back the heavy curtains to reveal clear skies beyond the glass. The weather forecast says they’ll stay like that all day, that it will be pleasantly cool outside with just the occasional breeze. Yuta gets cold easily, so even if the forecast says it won’t be too cold, he refuses to go out without a jacket. In this case, Jaehyun’s jacket.

There is a note on the refrigerator, signed by his father that states they’ll both be back late. It’s funny how something so simple can make Yuta feel so giddy, but the idea of not seeing his parents at all this day makes him so ridiculously happy he feels like he’s floating. 

The doorbell rings not long later and normally the buzzing sound of it irritates Yuta, noise-sensitive and generally not fond of having guests over, but today the sound doesn’t bother him at all. He opens the door to find Jaehyun, leaning his weight against the wall and panting. A pleasant draft blows against his face as Jaehyun struggles to regain composure. He holds a second jacket in his hand and Yuta assumes it’s the one he requested for.

“You got here fast,” Yuta comments when Jaehyun finally manages to stand without the wall’s support. 

Jaehyun flashes him a cat-like smile, chest still rising and sinking irregularly as he tries to stabilise his breathing. “You texted me first,” he says, like it’s obvious. When Yuta tilts his head in confusion, a silent request for further elaboration, Jaehyun sighs and reaches over to ruffle his hair. “It made me miss you, so I ran here.”

Yuta raises his brow. “I could make you go home right now for what you were texting me.”

Jaehyun laughs, his smile whiskers and dimples making yet another appearance, Yuta feels his stomach flip at the sight of it. It only gets more intense when Jaehyun leans in too close for comfort with his eyes in the shape of crescents. “You wouldn’t, you want to be with me too.”

Yuta scrunches up his nose at him, knowing that this facial expression makes him look a little less than attractive. He can’t bring himself to care, though, because it’s not like his appearance has ever mattered to Jaehyun. Jaehyun has seen him with a broken nose, with a bruised eye, every scar that’s lined his upper body, and he’s still here. 

“Where are we going today?” Yuta asks as he slips on the sweater Jaehyun brought for him. Yuta will never understand Jaehyun’s deep love for animal prints, staring at the massive panda on the chest of the sweater, but he thinks it’s adorable. Jaehyun, evidently, thinks the same, the way he stares at Yuta, licking his lips as his eyes travel across his sweater on Yuta. He’s distracted by it, Yuta realises, when Jaehyun doesn’t answer his question. “Jaehyun, stop staring at the panda and focus on me.”

“Sorry,” Jaehyun replies, sounding breathless as he tears his eyes away from the sweater and meeting Yuta’s eye instead. The intensity of his gaze burns into Yuta’s, making him feel so much smaller in clothes that he’s already drowning in. “You look really good.”

“The panda?” Yuta asks dumbly, blinking in confusion as Jaehyun sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, eyes raking over Yuta once more before he shakes his head.

“You,” he corrects, removing his hand from his hair and pointing his index finger at Yuta instead. “I’m talking about you. Stop thinking about that damn panda for a second.”

Yuta raises an eyebrow at him. “You were the one who lent it to me, I even saw you staring at the panda earlier.”

Jaehyun’s jaw drops, eyes widening in disbelief. “I wasn’t staring at the panda, I was looking at you.”

“Why?”

Jaehyun licks his lips again and Yuta thinks it’s a terrible habit of his, he recalls having recently told Jaehyun that licking his lips in the cold may lead to rashes. It seems he didn’t listen to Yuta, but he’ll deal with that another time when Jaehyun isn’t standing before him, looking almost nervous. “Why?” He asks again, trying to press an answer out of Jaehyun, and though it looks like Jaehyun is about to skip over the question, stance defensive, he eventually sighs and gives in.

“You look good in my clothes,” Jaehyun replies plainly, a tint of red beginning to take over his features, starting from the ears. He reaches forward and lightly presses his hand to Yuta’s shoulder before dragging his fingers down the sleeve that wraps around his right arm. “Really good, you should keep this one too.”

“Jaehyun, if I take all your clothes, what will you wear?” Yuta points out and when he sees the familiar flicker of mischief in Jaehyun’s eyes, he quickly adds, “I’m not interested in seeing your bare asscheeks.”

Jaehyun laughs, regular colour returning to his face as the pink tones fade away. It’s such a waste, Yuta thinks, because Jaehyun really does look good with a splash of warm colours over his pale cheeks. 

“That’s a shame,” Jaehyun says, jabbing at Yuta’s side playfully. “My body is extremely sexy, you’re missing out.”

Yuta looks at him, unamused. “I will strip you naked and leave you here in the cold,” he threatens, and it’s enough to get Jaehyun to shut up, panic in his eyes. Yuta doesn’t know if he’s more afraid of being stripped or being left alone. He reaches up and pats Jaehyun on the head, a hint of a smile gracing his lips. “Good boy,” he mumbles, watching Jaehyun’s ears colour red once again, setting fire to his beautiful features.

When Yuta tries to pull his hand away, Jaehyun’s head follows, he stands on his tiptoes to reach Yuta’s raised hand and Yuta chuckles. He lowers his palm against and ruffles Jaehyun’s perm once more.

“I was thinking about straightening it out,” Jaehyun says, eyes shut in satisfaction as Yuta runs his fingers through his hair. He sighs contentedly. “What do you think?”

“Your perm is cute,” Yuta remarks offhandedly, his fingers sliding down to touch the tip of Jaehyun’s red ears. They radiate warmth like a space heater and grow even hotter at Yuta’s touch. “But you would look good in any hairstyle, you’re Jeong Jaehyun, after all.”

“What does that mean?” Jaehyun asks, brows furrowed as he thinks. Yuta laughs and pulls his ear at the tip, earning a yelp from the other. Jaehyun reaches up and cups his ear indignantly, protecting it from Yuta’s grabby fingers.

Yuta pulls his hand back with a shit-eating grin on his face, feeling the wind blow through his hair. “You can figure that out yourself. Now, where are we going today?” He changes the topic quickly, not wanting Jaehyun to press any deeper in fear that he would let something that even he’s not prepared to confront himself slip out. Jaehyun purses his lips and Yuta knows he wants to pry further, but Yuta won’t give in to him this time, he shakes his head and Jaehyun drops it. 

“I enjoyed doing it a lot when I was in America,” Jaehyun explains, holding up two slips of paper with printed snowflakes decorating the edges. “They finally finished renovating the rink, do you know how to ice skate?”

+

Yuta is good at many things, he taught himself Jaehyun’s mother tongue, Korean, when his age was just a single digit, wanting to understand more of Jaehyun’s culture. He had also helped Jaehyun with a little bit of Japanese, but Jaehyun’s never been good at his language the way Yuta mastered Jaehyun’s. He learned how to draw by watching art videos on Youtube instead of doing his middle school math homework, and he was even considered a soccer prodigy back when his parents still allowed him to do it.

However, with his knees shaking and his feet trapped in boots strapped to thin blades on cold, hard ice, Yuta realises that ice skating is _not_ one of those things. He clings onto the railing for dear life, watching Jaehyun do a little spin in the centre of the rink. The place is empty and Yuta can understand why, as the weather gets colder, he can’t imagine what crazy nut would want to ice skate in an indoor rink with a blasting air conditioner.

Jaehyun is that nut, he catches Yuta’s eye from where he dashes across the ice and grins at him. Yuta curses his audacity, forcing Yuta to get on the ice, knowing he lacks experience of any sort, just to leave him alone to do a dance across the ice. Though Yuta has to admit while watching Jaehyun’s skates scrape gently on the slippery floor, Jaehyun’s skating is beautiful.

Yuta watches Jaehyun skate up to him with a bright smile and it’s hard to get mad at him for leaving Yuta at the side when he glows so wonderfully in the subtle blue lighting of the rink. Yuta grips onto the railing even tighter when he feels his stomach flip at Jaehyun’s sudden proximity.

“I’m good, aren’t I?” Jaehyun asks, expression expectant as he awaits a compliment from Yuta. It’s at that instant Yuta remembers that he’s mad at Jaehyun, he scoffs and looks away, refusing to feed Jaehyun’s ego any further.

“I don’t know,” Yuta lies, watching Jaehyun’s eyebrow arch. “I wasn’t watching you.”

Jaehyun laughs softly, leaning in closer to Yuta, whose stomach just won't stop doing acrobatics within him. He almost loses his grip on the railing and that would be _bad_ because Yuta can barely keep his balance on the ice without it.

“You’re lying,” Jaehyun whispers smugly, brushing Yuta’s fringe out of his eyes with a smug smile. His breath is warm against Yuta’s cheek and hot compared to the freezing air conditioning. “I saw you looking. How was I?” 

Yuta shakes his head, hands going clammy against the railing. “You left me at the side to _die,_ I will not say anything.”

Jaehyun clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, left side of his lip tilted upwards into a lazy smile. “You’re so dramatic, Yuyu. If you wanted to come with me, you should’ve just said so.”

Yuta barely has time to register Jaehyun’s words, because the next second, he feels one of his hands detach from the railing at Jaehyun’s tug. Jaehyun laces their fingers together and Yuta feels the warmth of his palm against his own slightly damp one. Jaehyun laughs softly. “You’re sweating a lot.”

“Sorry,” Yuta mumbles, trying to pull his hand back and away from Jaehyun so he can wipe it on his shirt. Jaehyun doesn’t let go, no matter how hard Yuta tries to tug his hand back. Yuta looks at him in confusion and finds him smiling before tightening his hold on Yuta’s hand. “Let me wipe it off, it’s embarrassing.”

Jaehyun smiles at him so sincerely that Yuta’s heart almost aches at the sight. “Bold of you to assume I care that your palms are clammy as hell,” he teases in a low tone, Yuta’s face burns in response as Jaehyun reaches for his other hand. He locks all ten of Yuta’s fingers with his own, nodding at Yuta before he begins moving his legs.

Yuta’s legs shake under him as Jaehyun pulls him closer to the centre of the rink. His skates scratch roughly against the ice while Jaehyun’s glide prettily across, leaving razor-thin markings on the ice behind him. He brings Yuta closer to him with a short tug and Yuta almost trips right then, holding onto Jaehyun tighter for support. A deep laugh bubbles from Jaehyun’s throat.

“This is so weird,” Yuta mumbles, rooted to the spot, his knees weak. “I’m gonna die.”

Jaehyun laughs and playfully tugs him forward once again and this time, Yuta really does slip. His legs split and he falls forward, hitting against Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun doesn’t budge, instead untangling his fingers from Yuta and moving his hand down, wrapping an arm against Yuta’s waist protectively and helping him back on his feet. “Are you okay?” Jaehyun breathes out, thumb rubbing patterns onto Yuta’s side, even through the fabric of his shirt, Jaehyun’s fingers burn like flames.

“I’m okay,” Yuta replies, hand clutching onto Jaehyun’s shoulder tightly. He looks up and frowns at Jaehyun. “Don’t let go.” His voice comes out timid, and Jaehyun seems to be able to tell that he’s being serious, readjusting his arm on Yuta’s waist and holding him closer.

“I won’t,” Jaehyun replies. “Do you want to go back to the side?”

Yuta shakes his head, slowly pulling himself away from Jaehyun’s hold until all that’s left connecting them is their intertwined fingers. Yuta steadies his left hand, so Jaehyun can’t feel the way his whole body trembles unsteadily. “Help me move, I want to skate with you.”

Jaehyun’s dimples bloom and his eyes narrow with his smile, he holds Yuta’s hand like it’s the most delicate thing in the world, Yuta’s heart beats wildly in his chest at the gesture. He feels himself starting to move and sees Jaehyun gliding across the ice, pulling Yuta’s trembling legs along. Yuta steels himself and follows along, trying to let go of the fear and tension. He knows Jaehyun won’t let him fall, anyways, and that alone is enough to instil the confidence to follow Jaehyun across the ice.

Jaehyun pulls him along when Yuta finds himself unable to move, his hold on Yuta’s hand tight as he turns back to smile at Yuta. His cheeks are pink, smile brighter than anything Yuta has ever seen, and Yuta swallows down the lump in his throat, ignoring the blaring sirens in his head that tell him he’s always been Jaehyun’s.

+

They get out of the rink when their sixty minutes of time pass, Jaehyun lamenting about how he should’ve gotten the ninety-minute package while Yuta focuses on trying to catch his breath on the benches. Jaehyun slides off his rental skates with ease, casually mentioning that he had left his own pair at home as he didn’t want to lug it across the town for the whole day.

Yuta struggles to untie the laces on his skates, the laces covered in a thin layer of ice that he must’ve picked up from the rink. Jaehyun kneels down in front of him, his clothed knees resting on the damp floor, and helps him untie his skates. Jaehyun removes the skates from Yuta’s feet and Yuta sighs in relief, his toes no longer confined to the narrow end of the skates. He stretches his legs out and grins at Jaehyun, who looks up at him curiously. “Why are you smiling like that?”

Yuta stifles a laugh, reaching out to pat Jaehyun on the head, he lets his hand linger on Jaehyun’s hair for longer than necessary. “I had fun,” Yuta says, watching Jaehyun blush furiously at his straightforwardness. “Going out on weekends is still surreal to me, I thought I’d have to wait to graduate high school before being able to do all of this.”

Jaehyun coughs awkwardly, faced away from Yuta to clear his throat. His ears burn the brightest shade of red Yuta has ever seen and Yuta moves his hands downwards and presses his fingertips to the tip of Jaehyun’s ears. Jaehyun flinches slightly at the touch, ears growing hotter, and Yuta chuckles in amusement.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” Jaehyun’s voice is mousey and he avoids Yuta’s eye. Yuta smiles to himself and rubs his thumb in circles on Jaehyun’s cheek, feeling the warmth that Jaehyun exudes beneath his fingertips. Jaehyun crackles like a fireplace on a cold day, Yuta never wants to let go. “Are you hungry? We missed lunch.”

Yuta smiles and nods. “I shouldn’t eat too much, dinner won’t be long from now.”

“What time should I drop you back home?” Jaehyun asks, cocking his head. He pouts slightly, obvious enough for Yuta to notice it. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“My parents won’t be coming home till past midnight,” Yuta says with a grin. “I think I can break my curfew just for tonight.”

Jaehyun nods earnestly, looking oddly delighted at Yuta’s words. “I’ll take you for dinner then, my treat, again.”

Yuta raises his brow in amusement. “It’s as if you want me to run your pockets dry.”

Jaehyun only smiles in response, standing from the floor he knelt on. The fabric over his knees is a shade darker, stiff from the dampness, and Yuta wonders why Jaehyun always has to be so extreme when it comes to him. He mentally shrugs it off, not wanting to deal with it and instead trying to enjoy his day out with the most important person to him.

Jaehyun buys him a donut in the shopping centre just a skip away from the ice rink. It’s not a very big building, given the small population of their town and the lack of need for large structures, but it’s good enough for Yuta. Aside from the few trips to the city and his parents dragging him back to Japan ever so often, it’s the only mall he’s ever known.

Yuta hums in gratitude to Jaehyun as he taps his card to pay. Yuta wonders if Jaehyun is expecting anything in return for all the meals and snacks he’s paid for so far, and laughs internally at the thought of Jaehyun’s face if Yuta ever made it known that he has no intention to pay him back any time soon. 

“What are you smiling about?” Jaehyun asks suspiciously, moving to the side to wait at the serving counter. He narrows his eyes playfully at Yuta as the latter ducks his head to avoid Jaehyun’s sudden scrutiny. He ribs Yuta. “Tell me.”

Yuta rolls his eyes, reaching up and swiftly flicking Jaehyun on the forehead. Jaehyun doesn’t flinch, always too stable on his feet, but he does widen his eyes at the gesture, he looks like a stupid fish. “Mind your own business, Jeong Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun recovers from his initial shock, shaking his head as if the action would untangle the thoughts in his head. His lips upturn and he meets Yuta’s eye, looking oddly upon Yuta. He’s never done it before, because Jaehyun’s always been like an open book to him, willing to tell him anything in the world, but it almost feels like this time, Yuta’s overstepped his boundaries. Jaehyun’s gaze is hard, eyes narrowed and jaw set, like he’s about to punch something. For a moment, Yuta forgets he’s out of his house and, subconsciously, braces himself when he sees Jaehyun raise his hand.

The hit never comes, though, because the next second, Yuta feels warm fingers pressed gently on his cheek. He opens his eyes and looks at Jaehyun in shock, mouth hanging open when he sees the complete lack of malice in Jaehyun’s expression. “You’re so cute,” Jaehyun mumbles, thumb stroking over Yuta’s cheekbones. “I thought about eating you, you’re so cute.”

Flustered, Yuta shoves him off, wondering how he could possibly think Jaehyun would do something so horrible to him. Despite the years of animosity between them, he knows Jaehyun would never do that to him. Jaehyun would never raise a hand against him, Yuta’s known that ever since Jaehyun dropped everything to run to his side after Taeyong accidentally cut the oxygen circulation in Yuta’s body.

Because as much as Yuta hates to admit it, he knows Jaehyun cares about him in a way no one else ever has. Jaehyun would never hurt him, so why would Yuta think something so dark of him?

“Yuta?” Jaehyun calls out, snapping Yuta out of his own mind. He realises that, at some point, he and Jaehyun had gotten their drinks from the collection area and were now seated in one of the many booths of the donut shop. When he meets his rival’s eye, he sees concern etched into every corner of Jaehyun’s expression. He swallows the lump that forms in his throat as he notices Jaehyun’s expression shift into something more alarmed.

Instantly, Jaehyun’s hand flies up and lands on Yuta’s shoulder. It’s warm, Yuta realises, warm and nothing like his mother’s bony fingers that send ice down Yuta’s spine. Jaehyun pulls him in for a hug and Yuta, instinctively, burrows into Jaehyun’s shoulder. He feels the area around his eyes grow warmer and damper, he pulls away from Jaehyun’s shoulder and sees the circles of wetness left behind on the fabric of Jaehyun’s shirt.

“I’m so sorry,” Yuta mumbles, trying to reach up to wipe at his eyes. Jaehyun’s lock on him prevents him from moving that far, arms wrapped securely around Yuta, engulfing his whole body. “Jaehyun, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” Jaehyun replies, patting his back slowly. “You’ll be okay, you’re the strongest damn person I know.”

They stay like that for what feels like hours, Yuta watches the ice in their drinks melt through glazed eyes as he stays rooted to the spot. He can feel nothing else in the room, just the comforting and rhythmic pats on his back and the hot exhales of breath that escape Jaehyun’s nose and brush against his hair.

When Yuta’s bones no longer feel like jello, he pulls away from Jaehyun and meets Jaehyun’s kind and concerned eyes. Jaehyun, still wanting to maintain some sort of contact with Yuta, reaches beneath the table and intertwines their fingers as he did on the ice. Yuta feels heat travel up his body from his palm, Jaehyun’s warm hand pressed against his.

“I’m sorry,” Yuta whispers, eyeing the tear stains on Jaehyun’s shoulder, the worry in his eyes. 

Jaehyun shakes his head, lips pursed. “I told you not to apologise,” he says, a smile playing on his lips. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” The honesty shocks Yuta, having always been better at burying and running from his feelings. Yet, here he is, talking it out with the one person he never expected to talk like this to again. “I know you, and I know you’d never harm me. So why did I think you were going to hit me earlier? When you raised your hand to hold my face, why did I-” Yuta chokes up as he feels the grip on his hand tighten, Jaehyun brings him closer with a sad look on his face.

He expects Jaehyun to be disappointed that he would ever think something like that of him, because of their unspoken importance and trust in each other. Yuta feels dirty for a moment, like he’s betrayed Jaehyun’s trust by having such thoughts about someone who has never raised a hand against him.

Instead, Jaehyun sighs and shifts even closer to Yuta, untangling their fingers and instead, throwing his arm over Yuta’s shoulder. He wraps his hand around Yuta’s side and allows Yuta to rest his head on the tear-stained t-shirt. “Don’t blame yourself,” Jaehyun mumbles. “It’s not your fault, you can’t control your thoughts.”

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Yuta asks, blinking in confusion. He’s met by a chuckle from Jaehyun, it’s mirthless but not entirely empty. 

“I could never be mad at you, Yuta,” Jaehyun whispers, quiet like Yuta’s the only person he wants to hear it. “And it’s not your fault, I know what you’ve been through. If I went through nearly as much as you do, I’d jump ten feet back if anyone touched me. You don’t give yourself enough credit, Yuta.”

Yuta’s ears burn. “You say my name so much,” he says, instead of replying to anything Jaehyun had said. Jaehyun calls him brave, but Yuta thinks he’s the most cowardly person in the world, the way he’s avoided everything about Jaehyun for so many years, the way he’s avoiding it all now. 

Jaehyun laughs, his free hand moving to brush Yuta’s hair from his eyes. “Your name is my favourite word.”

Yuta winces. “You’re so corny.”

“It’s true, though,” Jaehyun grins and for a second, Yuta can see flashes of his future in his rival’s smile. He shakes the thought away, not allowing it to develop any further. He feels his phone in one of his pockets vibrate and pulls it out to check, worrying that it may be a text or a call from his mother. “What is it?” Jaehyun asks curiously as Yuta unlocks the screen and the messages pop up.

**Doyoung [16:12]:** yuta

 **Doyoung [16:12]:** i’m bored

 **Doyoung [16:13]:** entertain me or i’m telling jaehyun you like me more

Jaehyun looks up from Yuta’s phone screen in disbelief. “Since when were you and Doyoung text buddies?” He asks, blinking blankly at him. “And do you really prefer him over me?”

“He stole my number off your phone while you were doing your business in the bathroom the other day,” Yuta says casually, shrugging it off like it’s not a big deal. Jaehyun, however, stares at him with his eyes bugged out. Yuta blinks, before it dawns on him. “I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, I don’t care that you know I was taking a shit, that’s normal,” Jaehyun says, so nonchalantly that it makes Yuta’s brain do a flip in his head. He speaks like he’s talking about the weather and not about his days-old bowel movements. Jaehyun stares at him again, looking wounded. “Do you really prefer him over me?”

“He’s less annoying than you,” Yuta concludes after thinking for a period of time that seems seconds too long. “But your annoyingness is what makes you special to me.”

“A simple yes or no, preferably no, would have sufficed,” Jaehyun pouts, pulling his arm back from Yuta’s shoulder to cross them childishly over his chest. A heartbeat later and he’s rebounding back to his normal personality, grinning mischievously at Yuta. “I’ll continue finding new ways to annoy you, then.”

Subconsciously, Yuta smiles fondly at him, this pouting yet annoying Jaehyun reminding him of the person he adored so much in his youth. He leans over and forcibly uncrosses a snickering Jaehyun’s arms, smiling dumbly at him too. 

“No, Jaehyun, I prefer you,” Yuta says, finally, trying to hide the smirk on his face when he watches Jaehyun’s expression light up. Jaehyun turns to him gleefully and throws his arms around him in a dramatic display of affection. “You already knew the answer,” Yuta accuses, though there’s no bite in his tone, only amusement as he gets crushed by Jaehyun’s hug.

“I did,” Jaehyun confesses shamelessly. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”

**Yuta [16:28]:** doyoung this is jaehyun

 **Yuta [16:29]:** don’t let me catch you in school i’ll break your neck

 **Doyoung [16:30]:** FUCK.

+

Jaehyun’s house is exactly the way Yuta remembers it. His family still uses the same table runner over the dining table, the shoe rack is still the same faded brown rack that Yuta remembers throwing his shoes on when he was nine, leaving Jaehyun to arrange them nicely for him as he frolicked up to Jaehyun’s bedroom. Everything is exactly the way it was six years ago, when Yuta left his house for the last time, not knowing it would be the last, until now anyway.

Yuta toes off his shoes before bending down to pick them up and arrange them nicely on the shoe rack as Jaehyun locks the door behind them. “My father won’t be home tonight, he’s out at some bullshit restaurant with my stepmother.”

“You have a stepmother?” Yuta blurts out, realising too late how intrusive his question was. Jaehyun, however, doesn’t seem to mind. He shrugs casually.

“My father married her while I was in America, I came back and _boom,_ I now have to coexist with some snob,” Jaehyun snorts, opening his fridge to pick out ingredients. He had decided while they were leaving the donut shop that he would prepare something for Yuta at home rather than spending money on a meal outside. Yuta has no complaints, fully intending to compare Jaehyun’s kimchi fried rice to Taeyong’s mother’s. “Dude, she’s unbelievable. I’ve never done anything to her, it’s my shitty father’s fault for forgetting to mention he already had a son until _after_ they got married.”

Yuta takes a seat on one of the barstools that surround the island countertop, watching Jaehyun cut cabbage kimchi over the sink with a pair of scissors, his fingers stained red. “She’s so annoying, lately she’s decided that it’s time for me to get over my mom because I’ve,” Jaehyun forms apostrophes in the air with his red fingers, _“moped over her death for enough years._ So, now, she’s trying to replace my mother by being nice to me after years of calling me a walking dog chew toy. She’s insane.”

Yuta listens to Jaehyun passionately rant about his stepmother, chopping more cabbage kimchi on a chopping board with a little too much force. It’s amusing, watching Jaehyun lose his cool for the first time in years. Yuta doesn’t remember ever being on the receiving end of Jaehyun’s negative emotions, but he remembers being there to witness all of them. 

Jaehyun throws the chopped kimchi into a frying pan and opens the fridge to find steamed rice in a Tupperware on the second shelf. He takes that out and throws it into the frying pan as well, rolling up his sleeves before mixing the rice with the kimchi with a wooden spoon.

Jaehyun sucks in one of his cheeks as he scrapes the sides of the pan, coating every bit of white in the pan with kimchi. He lowers the flame under the pan and scoops up a corner, shovelling the contents into his mouth. He shuts his eyes for a second, before grinning to himself. “Yuta, come here.”

Yuta stands from the barstool, curiously walking over to stand beside Jaehyun. Jaehyun spoons up more of his kimchi fried rice and holds Yuta by the chin, keeping his mouth open as he pushes the spoon in. “Tell me how it is.”

Yuta takes the spoon from Jaehyun, keeping it in his mouth as he tastes Jaehyun’s cooking. Jaehyun looks at him in shock, eyes fixated on the spoon handle between Yuta’s lips. Yuta cocks his head to the side in curiosity.

“Yuta, I had that spoon in my mouth,” Jaehyun says, tone distant and Yuta wonders for a moment why that’s so odd to him, before realising said spoon is currently lodged in his mouth. He pulls it out in a panic. 

“I hate my life,” Yuta groans, shoving the spoon back at Jaehyun and avoiding his eye. Jaehyun seems to regain his composure because he reaches over and lifts Yuta’s chin again, ensuring Yuta meets his eye. Jaehyun opens his mouth and places the spoon over his tongue, not looking away from Yuta, before taking it out with a small smile.

“We’re even,” he decides. “And should I consider that an indirect kiss as well?” 

Yuta doesn’t realise he’s blushing until Jaehyun moves his fingers up to his cheek and Yuta feels the stark temperature contrast between Jaehyun’s digits and his own skin. “Your face is so red,” Jaehyun remarks, soundly thoroughly entertained. “You’re so cute.”

Yuta swats his hand away, feeling his skin heat up even further somehow, spreading to the back of his neck. “Asshole,” Yuta mumbles, no bite to his tongue. “Don’t burn our dinner.”

Jaehyun turns back to the stove and turns off the flame. “I will consider it an indirect kiss, then. Maybe one day, you’ll agree to give me a direct one.”

Yuta doesn’t reply, instead opening one of Jaehyun’s drawers and taking out cutlery, before heading out of the kitchen to sit at the dining table instead. His face doesn’t revert to its normal state until he’s far enough from Jaehyun to ignore the thought of Jaehyun’s deep voice and soft touch.

Yuta thinks he can feel it, losing himself to Jaehyun the same way he did all those years ago, when he was just a stupid kid and Jaehyun was the only person in his life who could match him. He throws these thoughts aside when he sees Jaehyun walk towards the dining table, balancing two bowls of his kimchi fried rice and smiling brightly at Yuta.

+

Taeyong’s mother’s kimchi fried rice is better, Yuta decides when he’s eaten most of it. Her own recipe having been redone to perfection over the many years she spent cooking for Taeyong’s gremlin mouth. Still, Taeyong’s mother’s cooking has never left butterflies in Yuta’s stomach the way Jaehyun’s does. “It’s okay, right?” Jaehyun asks nervously, swirling his spoon around the base of his empty bowl.

“I've had better,” Yuta replies playfully, watching Jaehyun’s eyes flicker with a competitive flame. 

“I’ll prepare a real meal for you one day,” Jaehyun says, crossing his arms and leaning back against the back of his chair. He eyes Yuta from across the table and Yuta almost laughs at the strained expression on Jaehyun’s face. “You’ll see then, that I’m the best.”

“I’ll look forward to it, then,” Yuta says, continuing to watch Jaehyun’s mannerisms and knowing him well enough to know he’s bothered by Yuta’s words. It thrills Yuta unlike anything else.

“By the way,” Jaehyun says, changing the topic and effectively removing any trace of his earlier combativeness. “How long has it been since you last visited the city?”

Yuta pauses to think, counting the years on his fingers. “I snuck out once with Johnny, we got caught and that’s why my mother hates him. It’s been three years, maybe. Why?”

“I don’t think either of us can drive yet,” Jaehyun ponders. “I’m still taking lessons and your parents are assholes who don’t let you go out, so I guess we’ll have to take the train.”

“What are you talking about?” Yuta asks curiously. 

“I’m taking you to the city on your birthday,” Jaehyun replies. “It’s about time you get out of this dingy little town, even if only for a few hours. I’ve already calculated the fee and travel time, so don’t back out, okay?” His eyes form half-moons with his smile and Yuta feels his stomach flip within him for the millionth time in a day. 

“When I said spend my birthday with me, you know I meant something simple like getting ice cream or something, right?” Yuta snorts in disbelief at Jaehyun’s wild suggestion. It’s one thing to play truant to get a snack at a nearby shopping centre and another thing to board a train and leave the town altogether. Jaehyun doesn’t seem to register this difference because he shrugs and brushes off Yuta’s concern like it’s not an issue at all. Oddly enough, Jaehyun’s indifference settles the nervousness that boils in his chest.

“If you’re going to miss a whole day of school, you may as well do something fun,” Jaehyun says coolly. “I even convinced Jungwoo to cover for us while we temporarily fall off the radar.”

Yuta swallows. “If you say so.” It comes out softer than he hopes it would, but Jaehyun hears his response as if it was shouted from the highest building. He looks at Yuta like he’s the only other thing in the universe apart from himself and offers Yuta his fullest attention. Yuta feels something eat him up from the inside, warmth spreading through him like a firework exploded in his stomach. 

“Jaehyun,” Yuta mumbles softly, meeting his rival’s eye with as much bravery as he can muster, though he almost flinches at the intensity of Jaehyun’s stare that is returned to him. Yuta is about to speak when his phone suddenly vibrates in his back pocket. He pulls it out and reads through the new notification that lights up the screen. 

**Crown Prince of Debate Club [18:56]:** Was that really Jaehyun

 **Crown Prince of Debate Club [18:56]:** Doyoung is scared for his life

 **Crown Prince of Debate Club [18:56]:** Why are u even with him

“Who is it?” Jaehyun asks, sounding rather miffed by the interruption. He stands from his chair and walks over to Yuta. “Your parents?”

Yuta shakes his head. “Jungwoo,” he replies, watching the frown lines on Jaehyun’s forehead grow deeper by the second. “He says Doyoung’s scared of you.” Yuta raises his phone to Jaehyun’s eye level and watches Jaehyun scan the screen. 

“You have such a cute contact name for him,” Jaehyun mumbles. “What’s mine?”

He presses the back key on Yuta’s screen before Yuta has the chance to snatch his phone back and scrolls a little in search of his contact number. Yuta looks at the table sheepishly as Jaehyun begins to frown, scrolling rapidly through the page. “Seriously, what the hell did you name me?”

“Congratulations, Jaehyun,” Yuta squeaks. “You get to choose your own contact name.”

Jaehyun blinks at him, before realisation dawns on his face. “You didn’t even save my number,” he muses, his voice a strange mixture of disappointment, amusement, and disbelief. “You really are so unbelievable, Nakamoto Yuta.”

“I never got around to it,” Yuta lies, knowing he had all the time in the world to save Jaehyun’s number, he just never wanted to. “Besides, I know your number by heart, saving your number never seemed important.”

“You memorised my number?” Jaehyun asks, taken aback. Yuta nods earnestly and Jaehyun leans down to cup his cheek gently. “You’re adorable, you know?”

“You always say it,” Yuta huffs indignantly, privately enjoying the feeling of Jaehyun’s hands on his face. “If it bothers you, save your own contact. I won’t change it, you can choose anything you want.”

Jaehyun smiles devilishly and it sets off something strange in Yuta, a swirling feeling that consumes him and sets his veins ablaze. “You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into,” Jaehyun sing-songs cheerfully, tapping on Yuta’s keyboard to save his contact, before passing Yuta’s phone back to him. “Don’t look at it until you’re home.”

Yuta sighs at his gleeful, mischievous demeanour. “Did you send something back to Jungwoo?” He asks suspiciously, and Jaehyun has the decency to look away. “At least let me see that, if I can’t see your contact name yet.”

Jaehyun nods and Yuta turns on his phone, staring at the last conversation he had with Jungwoo and reading Jaehyun’s response.

**Yuta [19:06]:** this is still jaehyun -__-

 **Yuta [19:06]:** mind ur own business woo

 **Crown Prince of Debate Club [19:08]:** Fuck off Jaehyun (凸ಠ_ಠ)凸

Yuta snickers reading the message, he reaches for Jaehyun’s shoulder and pulls him down, bringing Jaehyun to his knees on the floor beside the chair Yuta sits on. He ruffles Jaehyun’s hair, delighted by his wounded expression.

“I’m your favourite, right?” Jaehyun asks quietly, looking at Yuta with the expression of a kicked puppy. Yuta ponders the question for a long time, his silence many beats too long and Jaehyun hits him playfully on the arm, whining loudly. “Yuta!”

Yuta breaks into a fit of giggles, unable to stop the smile that spreads like wildfire over his face. He finally looks back down at Jaehyun, pinching his cheek on one side and poking his dimple on the other. It makes Jaehyun look ridiculous, still, Yuta’s heart flies. “If I say yes, will you shut up?”

“No,” Jaehyun replies sharply, giving his answer almost immediately after Yuta’s question, not even stopping to think about it. Yuta grins at his scowling face, continuing to play with his cheeks between his fingers.

“Correct answer,” Yuta mumbles, soft like he’s afraid someone is eavesdropping on them. His words, Yuta thinks, are only for Jaehyun to hear, after all. 

“Give me my correct answer too,” Jaehyun mumbles, voice muffled by the way Yuta squishes his face, finding joy in Jaehyun’s soft skin. He tries for a pout, but with his cheeks being pulled apart by Yuta, it makes him look even stupider. Yuta feels a swell of affection in his chest, one that he decides to disregard a moment later.

“Yes, Jaehyun,” Yuta answers, tone dark and voice low. Jaehyun shivers, something Yuta can feel from the way Jaehyun’s whole body vibrates against his hands for a split second. Yuta smiles at him. “You are my favourite.”

+

“Will anything happen?” Jaehyun asks, sounding more nervous than Yuta himself as he checks his watch. It’s past 9pm, hours past Yuta’s curfew, but Yuta can’t bring himself to care as they walk through the cold night air. He wraps his arms around himself and hugs Jaehyun’s sweater closer to his chest, the panda resting over his rapidly beating heart as the wind blows through his hair.

“It doesn’t matter,” Yuta replies, carefree as he practically dances on the sidewalk, his feet are light on the ground. “I’m happy, I had fun today.”

“Stop dancing in the street, you’ll get hit by a car,” Jaehyun says, tone easy. He laughs a little at Yuta’s current state and Yuta knows, at that, that Jaehyun doesn’t really mean it. “I can’t have you die yet, I still want my kiss.”

“You can kiss my ass,” Yuta says flatly, stopping his prancing to turn and stare at Jaehyun in the darkness of the street. Half of Jaehyun’s face is lit up from a distance source of light, the other is shadowed. It makes him look scary, but in a way that Yuta finds attractive. 

“I would love to,” Jaehyun says, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Maybe not in public though, but I am willing to compromise for you.”

Yuta shoves him, face on fire. “What is wrong with you?” He asks, flustered beyond anything and stumbling over his own words as Jaehyun laughs heartily. His laughter echoes off the empty street and somehow, it calms Yuta down. Jaehyun’s large hand claps down onto Yuta’s back.

“Sorry,” Jaehyun says, though his apology lacks any bit of sincerity as he grins at Yuta. Yuta shoves him again, rolling his eyes and trying to ignore the lurching feeling in his gut. “You’re so fucking cute,” he mumbles. 

They turn the block to Yuta’s street and Yuta sees no light coming out of the windows of his house, his mother’s car isn’t parked in the driveway either. It’s a relief to him, knowing his parents didn’t decide to return home any earlier than planned. Jaehyun looks towards him curiously. “You had a good day, right?”

Yuta nods, and unlike every time before now, he finds himself meaning it. He did have fun, running around and being stupid with Jaehyun, it’s easy to forget the way he sobbed into Jaehyun’s shoulder with his rival’s fast-paced jumping from activity to activity. 

“We should try outdoor ice skating someday, when the weather gets colder,” Jaehyun suggests, voice trembling so lightly that no one else would’ve caught it. Yuta knows Jaehyun like an extension of himself, so he knows the tell-tale signs of Jaehyun’s nervousness too.

Yuta frowns. “People will make fun of me if they see my stiff ass following yours.”

“I won’t let anyone laugh at you,” Jaehyun insists. “If anyone dares, I’ll kick the area between their eyes with my skates on.”

“How sweet,” Yuta says dryly. “To find out you would commit homicide for me, I am truly so touched.”

“Glad you appreciate it,” Jaehyun says, grinning brightly. His expression shifts into something more serious just mere seconds later and Yuta briefly wonders why everyone in his life seems to move so fast and change every second while he stays rooted, before casting his thoughts aside and focusing on Jaehyun. “You’ll be okay, right?” He doesn’t have to say it, the way his eyes flicker to the looming house behind Yuta is enough indication. 

Yuta swallows, nodding at Jaehyun reassuringly. “Have I ever not been okay?”

Jaehyun seems satisfied with that answer, he smiles and tentatively spreads his arms. Yuta blinks, stupefied, before cautiously moving closer to Jaehyun. Jaehyun wraps his arms around him slowly, and Yuta feels himself getting swallowed by the thick fabric of Jaehyun’s sweater. Yuta hugs back, leaning down and pressing his ear to Jaehyun’s chest, listening for the faint heartbeat beneath layers of clothes. 

“You’re so warm,” Jaehyun mumbles into Yuta’s hair before pulling away from him with a small smile playing on his lips. Yuta immediately misses the feeling of Jaehyun wrapped around him. “I’ll see you on Monday, okay?”

“Yeah,” Yuta breathes, looking up at the moon overhead instead of meeting Jaehyun’s eye. “I’ll see you.”

+

Yuta comes out of the shower, wiping at his hair with a towel and scrolling through his phone when he suddenly remembers Jaehyun setting his contact earlier. He checks his phone for the new contact and his eyes widen when they land upon it.

**Yuta [22:07]:** jaehyun you have to be fucking kidding me

He sits on his bed, now using the towel to rub at his temple as he awaits a response from his friend? Yuta isn’t sure where they stand anymore. It doesn’t matter, anyways, because Jaehyun is about to be a dead man. As if on cue, Yuta’s phone lights up and vibrates once in his hand.

**baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:09]:** i have no clue what you’re talking about 

**Yuta [22:10]:** you're a dead man next time i see you

 **baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:10]:** you can’t change it

 **baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:11]:** you promised!

 **Yuta [22:12]:** idc i’m breaking the promise and killing you on monday

 **baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:12]:** at least i’ll get to die in your arms i guess :^(

 **baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:13]:** can we compromise 

**Yuta [22:14]:** what do you want

 **baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:14]:** at least keep the baby

 **baby jaehyunnie whom i love more than anyone else [22:15]:** you can remove everything else but i insist on keeping the baby

 **Yuta [22:16]:** fine

 **Baby Jaehyun [22:17]:** it’s such a shame

 **Baby Jaehyun [22:17]:** i thought i picked such a great name

 **Yuta [22:18]:** leave me alone i don’t want to talk to you ever again

 **Baby Jaehyun [22:18]:** :(

 **Baby Jaehyun [22:19]:** see u on monday

 **Yuta [22:19]:** yeah i’ll see you

 **Baby Jaehyun [22:20]:** sleep well yuyu, i’ll visit your dreams

 **Yuta [22:21]:** sounds more like a nightmare

 **Baby Jaehyun [22:22]:** WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN????

Yuta laughs to himself as he turns off his phone, not bothering to reply any further to Jaehyun. Instead, he plugs his phone in and heads to switch off the light. The ceiling lamp dims slowly until it’s fully off and Yuta throws himself onto his bed, burying his face into the mattress.

He hears a car pull up downstairs and the front door opening not long after, the floorboards, walls, and doors don’t do much to block out noise from the entrance of the house. Yuta can tell by the sharp clicking of heels against the floor that his parents are home. An affectionate son would run out of his room to greet them, and Yuta returns the affection they’ve given them all his life. He doesn’t leave his room, instead turning over to stare up at the dark ceiling above. 

On his bedside table, his phone begins vibrating and buzzing loudly. Yuta snatches it and silences it before his parents can catch it, unlocking the screen to find Jaehyun giving him a call. He covers himself with his blanket and picks up the call curiously, wondering if Jaehyun had forgotten to tell him something.

Instead of anything important, he hears Jaehyun’s voice on the other end, fuzzy from a poor signal connection. “Good night, Yuta.”

“Is this all you called me for?” Yuta asks accusingly, hearing Jaehyun’s loud laughter ricochet from the other end of the line.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says after a long pause. “I wanted to hear your voice again.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Yuta grumbles. “Anything else you need to say? I was going to go to sleep.”

“Nothing else,” Jaehyun replies softly. “Good night, Yuta.”

Yuta hums in response. “Good night, Jaehyun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote half of this chapter in 2 afternoons. anyways. i had someone say i overuse commas once and I've been thinking about that lately before realising that i do not care. this is a running sentence event only short sentences are banned. anyways gn.


	9. Chapter 9

**Yongie [00:00]:** happy birthday yuta

 **Yongie [00:00]:** i’m first right :^)

**Jyan Cat [00:01]:** fuck i’m late

 **Jyan Cat [00:01]:** happy birthday Yuta

**Crown Prince of Debate Club [00:03]:** Happy birthday president!

**Doyoung [00:03]:** johnny mentioned that it’s your birthday, happy birthday yuta!

Yuta smiles at the notifications that appear on his screen one after the other, quickly typing thank you messages in response to his friends’ wishes. He isn’t often awake past midnight, but for his birthday he makes an exception. He scrolls through Taeyong’s long message with a smile, his best friend’s text ridden with more emojis than Yuta could ever dream of using. It has warmth spreading through his heart.

When he’s done responding to the small handful of messages he received from his friends, Yuta flops backwards on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The temporary warmth is gone as fast as it comes, replaced by a weight that presses against his chest as he blinks blankly into the ceiling lamp, blinding himself from everything else.

There’s something that’s making him upset, Yuta can acknowledge the gaping feeling that occupies his chest, he just doesn’t know what it is. All he knows is that it feels like something is ripping him apart from the inside, and that he wants the ache to stop. 

He feels his phone vibrate beside his head and his fingers are lightning-fast, picking up the device and checking it. He can tell he’s anticipating something, especially from the way his heart falls in disappointment at Jungwoo’s contact name flashing on the screen. Still, he musters up the enthusiasm to reply to what he assumes is yet another birthday wish.

Instead, the message he receives is wildly different from what he had imagined. It’s five winking faces accompanied by a single line of text that has Yuta realising the root of the stirring in his gut.

**Crown Prince of Debate Club [00:10]:** Have fun on your date today ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

 **Yuta [00:11]:** it’s not a date you moron 

Jaehyun didn’t text him, Yuta realises bitterly, looking at Jaehyun’s profile on the messaging app and seeing his last message left unread. He swallows down the burning feeling at the back of his throat and tries to ignore the weight of his own heart. It’s funny, because Yuta has never cared so much before, but it’s different this time. He wonders if he’s being dramatic, but before he can convince himself he’s just overreacting, he remembers Jaehyun’s hushed mumbles, that he wouldn’t forget. Yuta’s heart sinks further.

It’s stupid, Yuta thinks, but he can’t stop the way he feels about it, looking at his empty inbox and wondering if maybe he accidentally chased Jaehyun away. Another part of him wonders when he began caring so much about what Jaehyun does and doesn’t do. It’s strange that Yuta can no longer identify where they stand with each other, because he realises that he doesn’t feel as angry as he used to.

Yuta hates not understanding, hates being clueless more than anything in the world. He decides that this can be his exception, because while he wishes he could understand everything, understanding his complicated feelings for Jaehyun may cause him more problems than what it’s worth. So, he makes an exception, as Jaehyun has always been.

Slowly dozing off and losing the suffocating feeling of disappointment that cages his heart, Yuta is abruptly woken up by his ringtone. He groans and reaches for it on his bedside table, the screen lights up and temporarily blinds him with the contrast with his dark room. Yuta picks up without looking at the contact name displayed on the screen.

“What do you want?” Yuta hisses, hoping that it’s not the school board calling about something important. Instead, he’s met with deep laughter that has his heart sinking, holding him down to the mattress. “Jaehyun,” Yuta mumbles, he pulls his phone away from his ear to check the time. “It’s almost 1am, what the fuck?”

“Sorry I’m late,” Jaehyun replies and Yuta can almost _hear_ the smile on his face. Yuta’s stomach flips. “I wanted to wish you earlier but I got caught up. Happy birthday, Yuyu, did I wake you?”

“You’re too late,” Yuta mumbles sleepily. “Leave me alone.”

Jaehyun laughs incredulously on the other end of the line, he’s loud and it booms in Yuta’s skull, but strangely, it’s not unpleasant. “Are you sulking right now? Did you wonder why I didn’t message you?” When Yuta doesn’t reply, he laughs again. “You’re too cute, it’s going to kill me.”

“Then die,” Yuta says softly, hearing Jaehyun’s soft giggles in response. “Stop laughing at me.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jaehyun says insincerely, sounding thoroughly amused. “The weather should be clear all day, temperatures will be low. I’ll pick you at seven, okay?”

“Yeah,” Yuta mumbles in response, feeling his body grow heavier by the second as he slowly slips off into sleep. “I think I should,” he yawns, “sleep now.”

Jaehyun laughs. “Cute,” he muses. “Good night, Yuyu, happy birthday.”

Yuta hums in response, reaching out for his charging cable to plug his phone in. He can’t quite explain why Jaehyun’s call made him feel so light, his heart settling into a steady pace at Jaehyun’s deep voice, it’s enough to lull him to sleep. Yuta slowly drifts off, wondering if he’ll remember the timbre of Jaehyun’s laugh when he wakes.

+

Yuta wakes up in the morning to a series of five alarms that he doesn’t remember setting. They have him sitting up from his bed an hour before he had planned to get up, though he feels better rested than any other day. 

He stands from his bed, letting his blanket fall to the floor, pooling around his ankles. The wood on the floor is cold to the touch and Yuta expects that soon, he’ll have to begin turning on the heater overnight. He catches sight of himself in the standing mirror that faces his bed and moves closer to it, looking at himself. The cuts on his face have healed and the only thing that remains is faded bruises invisible to anyone who isn’t looking closely. Yuta sighs in relief and hopes it stays like this for a long time, fingers lightly brushing across his jaw and realising he can’t feel anything.

Yuta paces around for a while, bare feet warming up the cold beneath him as he walks in circles around his own room. He wonders if he should walk out the door, in fear of coming into contact with the other two people who live in the house. He ultimately decides not to, dragging himself over to the bathroom instead. The tiles of the bathroom floor are even colder than the wood of his bedroom, Yuta flinches back when he steps on them, and instead jumps from the wood to the mat in front of the sink. 

He eyes himself in the mirror once again as he combs his hair, trying to tame his bedhead. Not that it would matter to Jaehyun if he walked out with his hair spiked in seven different directions, but Yuta would rather stand next to Jaehyun looking good. Jaehyun, admittedly, is incredibly attractive and Yuta doesn’t want to amplify that by walking out of his house a hot mess. Yuta washes his face thinking angrily about Jaehyun’s perfect skin.

He cleans up quickly, wiping the water splashes off his countertop with a small cloth, before making his way to his closet and searching for something to wear. He remembers Jaehyun’s call from the previous night, that it’ll be a cold day. He quickly decides on a simple long sleeve and a pair of jeans, before pulling the first hoodie Jaehyun had given to him off of the hanger. Its familiar scent lingers even after a wash, just as strong as it was the first time Yuta put it on. Subconsciously, he hugs the fabric to his chest.

Yuta hears people downstairs and assumes that his parents must still be home, and judging by the clicking of heels across the hardwood floors, his mother is about to leave for the day. He waits until he hears the main door close before leaving his room, scanning the area for any signs of his father. He heaves a sigh of relief when he realises no one is home aside from him and finally leaves his room.

In his pocket, his phone vibrates and Yuta pulls it out to check on the notification, finding Taeyong’s contact name flashing on the screen as a string of messages flood him. Taeyong likes to double text, no triple, no- Yuta stops counting after the sixth message comes in and smiles to himself, opening the messaging app and seeing the typing symbol beside Taeyong’s name.

**Yong [06:42]:** just ran into jungwoo

 **Yong [06:42]:** ur not coming

 **Yong [06:42]:** to school today???

 **Yong [06:42]:** because ur going on a DATE???

 **Yong [06:43]:** i feel betrayed

 **Yong [06:43]:** why didn’t u tell me

 **Yong [06:44]:** are u bored of me

 **Yong [06:44]:** i can see u online

 **Yuta [06:46]:** YONG

 **Yuta [06:47]:** jungwoo’s really going around snitching on us…

 **Yuta [06:47]:** and it’s not a DATE

 **Yong [06:48]:** sure

 **Yong [06:48]:** i believe u

 **Yong [06:48]:** have fun on ur DATE

**Jyan Cat [06:50]:** Taeyong told me

 **Jyan Cat [06:50]:** have a good date!

 **Yuta [06:52]:** oh for fuck’s sake 

Yuta chuckles to himself while reading the messages, tiptoeing down the stairs even though no one is home but him. He does it mostly out of habit rather than an actual need to be quiet.

He hears three knocks on the door, two long and one short, and almost falls over. It’s a familiar sound, something Yuta hasn’t heard in years, and he knows exactly who is standing on the other side. That’s Jaehyun’s knock, a stupid secret code they made ten years ago when they were just stupid children who thought having a secret code was the coolest thing in the world. Yuta feels his heart speed up at the memory as he reaches for the door handle, unlocking it and opening it slowly.

“Good morning,” Jaehyun greets, a pleasant smile on his face when he sees Yuta. He looks different, it’s good. His eyes travel down Yuta’s body, focusing mostly on the dark blue hoodie Yuta wears, his smile twists into a cheeky grin. “Nice outfit choice.”

“What’s with your obsession with me wearing your clothes anyways? I have my own clothes,” Yuta says as he closes the door behind him, feeling the gentle morning winds blowing against his back. He turns around to find Jaehyun leaning on the railing, legs crossed awkwardly. Somehow, he makes the position look good.

“If you didn’t like it, you wouldn’t still be doing it,” Jaehyun points out with a shit-eating grin. “You like it as much as I do.”

Yuta swipes his fingers over his mouth, a zipping fashion that has Jaehyun shutting up immediately, though he still smiles through pursed lips. It makes him uglier, but nowhere near ugly, Yuta bitterly realises. 

“Where are we going now?” Yuta asks as they begin walking away from his front door. Walking behind Jaehyun, Yuta finally focuses on his appearance. “You straightened your hair?”

“One question at a time, please,” Jaehyun says, a teasing lilt accompanying his words. He turns around and pokes Yuta in the cheek, earning a sharp glare from him. Jaehyun only laughs in response to it. “Train station,” Jaehyun says, running the fingers of his unoccupied hand through his ironed bangs, looking deep in thought. “I wanted to see what you meant the other day, that I’d look good in anything because I’m Jeong Jaehyun.” Jaehyun grins. “I do look good, don’t I?”

“Don’t ask me that kind of question,” Yuta replies, moving away from Jaehyun’s finger pressing into his cheek. He scrunches his nose up at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun feigns hurt, clutching at his chest with his mouth hanging open in shock. “You really do break my heart, Nakamoto Yuta. I tried so hard to look sexy for you on your birthday.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Yuta mumbles, met by an instant and cheery _no_ from Jaehyun. He sighs and swats Jaehyun’s hand away from where he tries to poke his cheek again. 

“Don’t be mad at me,” Jaehyun whines with a pout. “I’ll shut up if you kiss me.”

Yuta hits him on the shoulder and doesn’t answer beyond that, ignoring the fluttery feeling in his chest at Jaehyun’s words. Instead, he scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Let’s go, my legs are starting to ache from standing around.”

Jaehyun grins. “Follow me, my dear.”

+

For a Monday morning, the train station is strangely deserted. Jaehyun buys their tickets at the counter while Yuta scans the map, noting the way the vandalism along the coloured tracks has stayed the same since he had last been here with Johnny all those years ago. He laughs when he spots a familiar, faded marking at the corner of the map. It’s two figures with their hands intertwined, one significantly taller than the other. Both figures share a cloudy thought bubble drawn haphazardly over their heads, in it, reads Yuta’s own name. Johnny had shown it to him, Taeyong’s neat scribbles that make up the drawing. He had drawn it on one of their many ventures to the city that Yuta wasn’t able to join in on, Johnny had proudly proclaimed that he had drawn the thought bubble.

It’s obvious that the bubble isn’t Taeyong’s work, because it’s the messiest part of the drawing, but somehow it fits perfectly. Taeyong’s practiced strokes, Johnny’s bold lines, Yuta’s presence even when absent. He smiles fondly at the memory, fingers tracing over the faded ink. 

“That’s pretty,” Jaehyun mumbles, resting his head on Yuta’s shoulder and wrapping an arm loosely around his waist. Yuta jumps at the sudden and unexpected closeness, shoulder knocking into Jaehyun’s chin. Jaehyun ignores this, seemingly unaffected by Yuta’s shoulder. “Who drew it?”

“Taeyong,” Yuta replies, internally settling his nerves. “He’s really skilled at art, it’s his life.”

Jaehyun hums, dropping his hand from where it wraps around his waist and instead intertwining their fingers. Yuta’s hand feels clammy in Jaehyun’s warm palm, but he tries to ignore it and instead focus on Taeyong’s careful strokes of vandalism. 

“I know,” Jaehyun hums, nuzzling his chin deeper against Yuta’s shoulder. Yuta feels his heartbeat pick up the pace at Jaehyun’s proximity. “I’m in his art class, he’s the apple of the teacher’s eye. I have to admit that he’s amazing.”

“I really admire him,” Yuta mumbles softly, mostly to himself, though he knows Jaehyun must’ve caught it with how close he is to Yuta. Yuta reaches up to the ink and traces his finger across every stroke, wondering how he got so lucky to have Johnny and Taeyong remember him even when he isn’t there. “Both of them, I really treasure them.”

Jaehyun smiles, Yuta can feel the shift in his expression from where he rests on his shoulder. “Do you wanna get something to eat or just keep standing here? I don’t mind either, whatever makes you happy.”

Yuta stops himself from tensing, knowing Jaehyun can feel every movement from the strange position they’re in. It’s awkward but comforting at the same time, Yuta knows there are very few people he would allow near him like this. Jaehyun just happens to be first on that list.

“When is the train coming?” Yuta asks, voice choked up for no discernible reason. He feels Jaehyun’s fingers loosen between his own, until all that remains is his slack hand in Yuta’s, Yuta holds on just as tightly.

“Yu, I know you like holding my hand, but I need to check my watch,” Jaehyun says, warm, teasing. Yuta does everything he can to stop his face from heating up as he detaches his hand from Jaehyun’s.

“Sorry,” Yuta says and immediately after, he feels Jaehyun’s expression shift again, this time more unpleasantly. His heart picks up pace again, this time more unpleasant as he feels Jaehyun frown against his shoulder.

“Don’t apologise,” Jaehyun mumbles. “Stop apologising to me, I don’t like it when you blame yourself.”

Yuta nods, wanting to apologise again for upsetting Jaehyun but realising it would probably just upset him further. “Thank you,” he says, instead, and he feels Jaehyun’s body ease against his.

Jaehyun pulls his hand up, his watch directly in front of his and Yuta’s faces. 7:14am, the display reads. “The train comes at 7:45,” Jaehyun says. “We have half an hour, do you want to raid the convenience store?”

Yuta nods and Jaehyun moves his hand back down, he moves away from Yuta and the temperature in the train station falls. Yuta’s heartbeat steadies back to its usual pace, yet, he feels empty.

Yuta is about to start making his way to the only convenience store in the train station when Jaehyun bumps into his side. Yuta looks at him curiously and he sees Jaehyun turned away from him, the back of his neck and the tips of his ears coloured red. He looks down and sees Jaehyun’s hand extended out. “Hold onto me,” Jaehyun says, a waver in his voice. “So we don’t get separated.”

Yuta thinks it’s ridiculous for either of them to get lost in a deserted train station but he doesn’t vocalise that thought, preoccupied with the way Jaehyun’s hand fits perfectly in his. 

It’s ridiculous, Yuta thinks, because just a few weeks ago he would’ve retched at the very idea of being this close to Jaehyun. It’s different now, though, now that Yuta can feel fire spread from his hand locked in Jaehyun’s to the rest of him. 

The convenience store is just as deserted as the platform, with no one but an elderly woman in the bread section and a cashier with dark eye bags, whom Yuta assumes is close to completing his night shift. 

Jaehyun picks up a small carton of strawberry milk before leaning down to read the price tag. Seemingly satisfied, he doesn’t put it back, clutching it in his free hand. Yuta, on the other hand, decides on a packet of bread after the elderly woman walks away from the aisle. 

“Is that all you’re getting?” Yuta asks, referring to the carton in Jaehyun’s hand. Jaehyun shrugs.

“It’s too early to eat,” he says simply. “Are you getting anything else, or should we pay now?”

“This is all,” Yuta replies as they make their way to the counter, hands still joint in a way that makes Yuta’s heart skip beats. He sees Jaehyun reach for his wallet and stops him. “I’ll cover it, since you paid for the train tickets.”

Jaehyun’s brow furrows. “Are you sure?” He asks, leaning in. “I don’t mind paying for you.”

The cashier sighs behind the counter, drawing both their attention to him. Yuta feels pity upon looking at his dishevelled state, heavy eye bags decorating the top of his cheekbones and a murderous look in his eyes. “Please don’t have a lover’s spat on my shift,” he mumbles, loud enough for them to hear, Yuta doesn’t know if it’s intentional. Jaehyun seems to take it as if it were meant for them to hear, because he shifts beside Yuta. Yuta knows he’s about to chide the cashier for speaking to them like that, but feels bad for the man who looks like he hasn’t slept in days, so he interrupts Jaehyun, handing paper notes to the cashier.

“I’m sorry,” Yuta apologises, waiting for the cashier to process his money as he picks up their items from the counter. He returns Yuta fifteen cents in change and Yuta quickly pulls Jaehyun out of the store. 

Once outside, Jaehyun raises his eyebrow at him. “You know I like buying you things, right?”

“You’re beginning to sound more like a sugar daddy than an almost-friend,” Yuta snorts in response. “Besides, that guy was definitely about to bite our heads off if we stood around arguing any longer.”

“I would’ve bitten his head off first if you didn’t step in,” Jaehyun says, frowning deeply and turning to face Yuta, meeting his eye. Something burns darkly in Jaehyun’s pupils, Yuta’s knees feel like jelly at the sight. “No one speaks to you like that in front of me.”

Yuta laughs airily, not quite taking him seriously as they make their way over to the benches near the tracks. Jaehyun sits first, pulling Yuta down with him, hand still wrapped tightly around Yuta’s, Yuta yelps.

The air around them is stiff and Jaehyun is silent, taking quick sips out of his milk carton as he stares at the tracks. Yuta wants to ask him what’s on his mind, but before he gets a chance to, Jaehyun willingly offers it to him, perhaps sensing Yuta’s curiosity.

“I’m serious, you know,” Jaehyun mumbles, thumb stroking across the back of Yuta’s hand absentmindedly. “I hate seeing you hurt.”

Yuta, stunned by Jaehyun’s words, feels something burn deep inside his chest, a flame he thought had extinguished years ago. Part of his brain blanks at Jaehyun’s words and the other part fumes, because how can Jaehyun say that when he’s the person who has hurt Yuta most? He extinguishes that flame quickly, not wanting his years-old grudge to ruin his own birthday before it starts.

He shakes his head, taking a bite out of his bread. He chews slowly and thinks about how to respond to something like that, knowing that he’s not over what Jaehyun did all those years ago. He wonders if he should ask about it, ask what made Jaehyun leave him alone at the park all those years ago and disappear from his life for long enough for Yuta to build all this animosity towards him. He doesn’t ask, though, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready to confront a memory that scarred him so deeply.

He swallows his bite, feeling the weight of the bread tenfold as it travels down his throat. Yuta wonders if choking would ache less than how he feels, and briefly considers spitting it back out, but he doesn’t. He tries to shake the thoughts out of his brain, though it feels as if they consume more of him at every second.

The train pulls up along the tracks a little later, it’s sleek with a pointed nose and it looks as wealthy as Yuta knows the city is. Jaehyun guides him to the train doors, a gentle smile playing on his lips, it’s enough to make Yuta forget the negativity that runs through his mind. 

They sit side-by-side on the train even though the whole carriage is empty. The Yuta from months prior would’ve sat as far away from Jaehyun as possible, in fact, he wouldn’t even be here with Jaehyun. Now, however, Jaehyun radiates warmth and familiarity, Yuta finds himself leaning in closer as the train doors close.

The ride is silent for the first half, Yuta having decided to plug in his earphones and listen to some rock artists he’s always liked. Jaehyun, on the other hand, falls asleep, head rolling against the headrest with every jerk of the train. 

Yuta is absentmindedly scrolling on his phone when the train turns sharply on the tracks and Jaehyun’s sleeping head ends up on his shoulder. Yuta’s breath shortens as he feels Jaehyun’s hair brushing against his cheek with every movement of the train. He considers shrugging Jaehyun off, but one look at his peaceful face, rid of worry and agitation, stops Yuta from doing anything to disrupt his sleep. He removes his earphones and chooses to listen to the sound of the train engine and Jaehyun’s soft snoring instead.

Midway to the city, Jaehyun wakes up and Yuta finds out that he’s just as clingy as he’s always been. He stretches against Yuta, nuzzling his face deeper into Yuta’s shoulder. It takes everything in Yuta to stop his heart from beating out of his chest. “Good morning,” Jaehyun mumbles. “You smell like me.”

“Are you insulting me?” Yuta asks, his voice comes out choked as he watches Jaehyun slowly open his eyes, blinking blearily at him. 

“How is that an insult?” Jaehyun mumbles, lifting his face from Yuta’s shoulder. Yuta sees red marks of sleep on his cheek, his eyes are squinted but they shine in the harsh lighting of the train carriage. “You put on my hoodie yourself, I didn’t even ask you to this time.”

“It’s not yours anymore, I can do what I want,” Yuta replies as Jaehyun rubs at his own eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them. When he succeeds, opening his eyes wide for the first time since waking, he grins at Yuta, eyebrow raised.

“You like it,” Jaehyun declares proudly, poking Yuta’s cheek as he repositions himself so he’s sitting straight. Yuta scrunches up his face at the feeling of Jaehyun’s finger digging into his skin and Jaehyun takes it as permission to sling his arm around Yuta’s shoulder. He leans in, softly knocking their heads together, and Yuta finds the position they’re in quite comfortable, if he can ignore the haste of his heart. 

“How long more until we get there? You’re starting to annoy me,” Yuta says, mindlessly checking his nails so he doesn’t have to pay attention to the boy leaning on him.

“Two stops,” Jaehyun replies, holding out his hand with two fingers up. “But you’re stuck with me for the whole day.”

Oddly enough, Yuta finds he doesn’t mind, staring out of the windows of the train carriage as he feels Jaehyun come closer to him with every mile travelled on the train.

+

Jaehyun is addicted to the camera app on his phone, Yuta realises when Jaehyun takes a photograph of him for the tenth time in an hour.

The city is a little colder than what Yuta had imagined, with some breezes passing through his hoodie like the fabric isn’t even there. His feet are cold too, his toes shifting awkwardly in his shoes in a feeble attempt to get rid of the biting feeling in them. He can’t bring himself to care, too focused on Jaehyun holding his phone up and snapping yet another picture of him as the wind blows harshly through his hair.

“You keep taking pictures of me,” Yuta points out, tone accusatory as he gestures towards Jaehyun’s phone. 

Jaehyun grins, pocketing his phone. “You look pretty here, I can’t help myself.”

“And you have to take pictures of things you find pretty?” Yuta asks, ignoring the burning feeling in his neck at Jaehyun’s compliment. The city air doesn’t feel so cold anymore, Yuta figures that nothing is ever cold when he’s with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun looks at him with an unidentifiable spark in his eyes and for a moment Yuta feels like all the art in the world’s most renowned museum. Then, Jaehyun pulls his lower lip back with his teeth, eyes almost darkening as he scans Yuta from head to toe. 

He leans in closer to Yuta, the few centimetres between their heights turning into thousands of kilometres as his presence crushes Yuta’s. His smile is gentle, sweet, but his eyes show something a little darker that has Yuta’s knees shaking. 11am is far too early for something like this, but he doesn’t have much of a choice with Jaehyun crowding him like this.

“Normally,” Jaehyun mumbles, standing so close that Yuta can feel his breath blowing against the area between his eyebrows. “Normally, I have a desire to make pretty things _mine.”_

Jaehyun draws back, taking a step away from Yuta, the darkened look in his eyes fading away. Yuta’s heart beats rapidly in his chest. “But, you’re a person, so all I can make mine are these pictures.”

“And if I ask you to delete them?” Yuta tries meekly, his voice coming out like the weakest waves at the shore. Jaehyun’s lip turns down.

“I would delete them in a heartbeat,” Jaehyun answers earnestly, though looking quite unhappy about it. “I do respect you, you know?”

“May I see them?” Yuta asks cautiously, as if he’s not asking to see his own face. Jaehyun nods slowly, fishing out his phone and unlocking it before handing it to Yuta. 

Yuta looks at Jaehyun’s camera roll, instantly noticing something that sits at the corner of the screen. It makes him do a double-take, feeling like he was punched in the gut.

“You have a folder of us?” Yuta asks, it comes out airier than he had hoped, but he doesn’t care enough to feel embarrassed about the high-tone of his voice.

Jaehyun rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, a sheepish smile playing on his lips. “I hope it’s not weird. I had so many pictures of us from our childhood and I couldn’t bring myself to delete them.”

Yuta thinks about his own photographs, how he wiped his drive clean in a fit of hurt so many years ago. Jaehyun, always more collected than Yuta, has kept them all these years. With shaking hands, Yuta scrolls through the pictures, slowly moving towards a wall so he doesn’t block the crowded streets. 

The pictures in his camera roll are as blurry as Yuta expects photos from almost a decade ago should be. He sees years of their shared history on Jaehyun’s screen, overwhelming him like a hit to the stomach. 

He scrolls down to reach the more recent photographs and he sees the exact moment where the images transition from past to present. The last picture before the ten Jaehyun took earlier is of them, twelve years old, Jaehyun looks at the camera with a gummy smile while Yuta throws out a peace sign.

Yuta remembers exactly which day that was from because of course, he could never forget the day before Jaehyun disappeared without a trace.

“You kept the picture from that day,” Yuta mumbles, his heart clenching in his chest.

“I told you, I couldn’t bring myself to delete anything,” Jaehyun mumbles, he meets Yuta’s eye. He sounds so sincere that Yuta feels another punch to his stomach. “I know it isn’t worth much now, but I’m sorry that everything went so wrong between us.”

Yuta switches off the phone and hands it back to Jaehyun, feeling his throat tighten. “You can keep the pictures,” he says, instead of replying to Jaehyun’s apology. “You’re right, I look good in them.”

“You always look good to me,” Jaehyun says softly, honestly. Yuta blinks the dryness out of his eyes and when he opens them, for a split second, he sees a younger Jaehyun standing in Jaehyun’s place. It’s a face that Yuta treasured more than anything just a little over a decade ago, and his heart aches at the vision.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta calls out, ignoring the rapid speed at which everyone else on the pavement walks, knowing that in between the towering skyscrapers and concrete floorings, he sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters when Jaehyun looks at him curiously and Yuta feels like he’s the only person in the world worthy of Jeong Jaehyun’s attention. “I’m already yours.”

“I know,” Jaehyun answers, voice cracking. His eyes shine brightly and Yuta is hit, once again, by the realisation that in this world, it’s only Jaehyun for him. “I just want you in a different way.”

+

“My parents studied here,” Yuta comments casually in the midst of their meal. He gestures to a large building next door to the pizzeria they had decided to have lunch in. “SMU, I’ve been thinking about applying.”

“It’s a top school,” Jaehyun comments after swallowing his mouthful. He takes a sip of his drink, some soda that Yuta found disgusting as it gushed out of the dispenser and into Jaehyun’s cup. “I have no doubt you’ll get in with ease, you’re Nakamoto Yuta.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have any special extracurricular activities like you have basketball. I’m nothing but an overworked brain.”

Jaehyun chuckles, putting his cup down on the table. “There’s nothing you can’t do, Yuta, you've always been a special person.”

The gravity of Jaehyun’s words settles in Yuta, eyeing Jaehyun’s tender smile. He can feel his own heart beating in his eardrums, but his chest feels void, like the organ isn’t there at all.

“You speak of me so highly for someone who hated me for years,” Yuta comments lightheartedly, poking at the crust remnants of his pizza slice. When Jaehyun doesn’t reply, Yuta looks up to see his nose scrunched up.

“I told you, I’ve never hated you, not for a single day,” Jaehyun insists.

“Really,” Yuta hums dryly, feeling his right eye twitch as he looks upon Jaehyun’s expression, his eyes falling into something that resembles despair. “You wouldn’t have left me if you didn’t have some resentment.”

At that, Jaehyun deflates. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, tone falling flat as he looks up at Yuta, desperate eyes. “I know I can’t make up for it, but I want you to know that it really was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

Yuta holds himself back from reaching across the table and taking Jaehyun’s face into his hands, avoiding anything that would bring Jaehyun comfort. Yuta is still hurt, even after all these years of trying to prove he doesn’t care about what Jaehyun did and Jaehyun himself, he can’t bring himself to stop caring about Jaehyun.

“We were young and stupid,” Yuta says with a shrug, trying to keep his tone neutral even though the thoughts that run through his head are anything but neutral. “You made a mistake, so what? Besides, I forgave you a long time ago.”

“You forgave me?” Jaehyun squeaks, he sounds like he’s about to split in half as he looks at Yuta hopefully. He looks like a child, like the child Yuta adored so much all those years ago. 

“I was never good at being angry at you,” Yuta says, trying for humour though he finds his voice lacking it in any form. He smiles emptily. “Did you drag me all the way out here just to talk about our joint childhood trauma on my birthday?”

“I didn’t have anything planned,” Jaehyun confesses. “I just wanted to bring you far away.”

Yuta snorts. “I figured.”

+

They end up in SMU, somehow. Yuta doesn’t know when they left the pizzeria or when they walked over, or why they walked over to the school.

Yuta watches with great amusement and a façade of ignorance as Jaehyun knocks their hands together. He knows Jaehyun wants to hold his hand again, but Yuta won’t give in this time, unless Jaehyun tries to take Yuta’s hand in his own by himself.

“This school is so creepy,” Jaehyun comments, walking down one of the endless hallways of the university. Yuta agrees, the architecture is old and not in an interesting way. The ceiling looks like it’s about to cave in and crush them under centuries-old wooden boards. 

“I know,” Yuta agrees, nodding. “Where did your parents study?”

Jaehyun kicks small rocks off the paved walkways of the school, watching them skid away into the grass just off the pavement. It’s a beautiful school, but the eeriness of it hangs over Yuta, overbearing.

“My father studied in America and then came back here to get his doctorate,” Jaehyun replies and Yuta notices that while Jaehyun continues to kick the ground, there are no longer stones rolling away at his kicks. “My mother studied here, in this school. She dropped out in her second year, though.”

Jaehyun is clearly uncomfortable, thinking of his deceased mother and walking down the hallways that she once walked down too. Yuta, despite the millions of questions running through his mind, decides not to press further. Privately, he admits to himself that it’s because he doesn’t want to see Jaehyun hurt even more.

Jaehyun finally reaches for his hand, intertwining their fingers with a shaky breath. He does it quickly, like he fears Yuta would slip out of his hold if he’s just a second too slow. In the earliest days of autumn, Yuta would’ve pulled his hand back like he’d been burned.

The fire had long since burned out, replaced instead by the warmth of a heating pad, tucked neatly under gloves as the weather gets colder for the holidays.

“I know you want to ask,” Jaehyun comments, side-eyeing Yuta, something that Yuta only catches because he, too, was sneaking glances at Jaehyun. “You’re rubbing your thumb on my hand, you do that when you’re curious.”

“I’m trying to be considerate of you, you clearly don’t want to talk about it,” Yuta replies casually, feeling Jaehyun’s hand clench tighter around his own. 

“I think I’ll have to marry you,” Jaehyun laughs. “I doubt I’ll find someone who knows me like you do, ever.”

“In your dreams, Jeong,” Yuta snorts, casting aside the way his stomach flips at Jaehyun’s words. _Marriage,_ the word floats around Yuta’s brain, how could someone like Jaehyun think of Yuta with any relation to that?

“Yeah.” Jaehyun is quiet, voice cracking. “My dreams.”

They continue walking along the hallway, silently. They make a right turn at the end of it and find multiple computer laboratories behind glass doors. It looks far too modern for a school that looks so old, but Yuta likes the contrast of it.

“My mother dropped out because she had to raise me,” Jaehyun says, cutting the silence between them with the sharpness of his words.

“You don’t have to talk about it, really,” Yuta mumbles, noting the way Jaehyun’s hand shakes in his, worried.

Jaehyun hums and when Yuta steals another glance at him, he sees Jaehyun grinning at him, eyes burning into Yuta’s side. “Since when was my Yuta this kind?”

“I’ve always been, you prick,” Yuta bites back, seething in indignation as Jaehyun chuckles, reaching over to him with his free hand and ruffling his hair. 

They keep walking until eventually, they stumble upon one of the many exits of the school. Beyond the old and rotting architecture lies the concrete jungle Yuta’s started warming up to.

“There’s another school in the district,” Jaehyun suddenly says. “It’s closer to the heart of the city, since this one is more on the outskirts. Since we have nothing to do, let’s go look at it and compare it with this school.”

“NU?” Yuta asks. “The other top school, right? I was thinking of applying to that one too.”

“Ambitious, aren't we?” Jaehyun teases, a playful smile spreading across his lips. “Unless spending your birthday at schools is lame to you, I’ll bring you somewhere else.”

“No,” Yuta replies softly, Jaehyun’s hand suddenly feeling so much heavier in his. “I don’t care what we do, it doesn’t matter when it’s you.”

Jaehyun looks at him like he’s been stabbed, lips parted and eyes bugging out in shock. Seconds pass and Jaehyun awkwardly shifts, readjusting his pants as he coughs awkwardly into his fist. “Yeah,” Jaehyun mutters, voice hoarse for some reason. Yuta blinks at him curiously, watching him tug at his shirt. “Let’s go.”

+

NU is twenty minutes on the subway away from SMU, Yuta wonders who planned and decided for two universities to be so close to each other, seeing as the rest of the district doesn’t have any at all. At least, Yuta and Jaehyun’s town doesn’t, all they have is one shitty college that everyone ends up going to.

Yuta knows most of the people from the city stay in the city past high school, else they leave for countries across the globe. Yuta knows his own parents have the intention to send him far away, to a top school on a worldwide scale. 

Wandering through the streets of this city, however, puts Yuta under a spell. For a brief second, he contemplates moving here and never leaving. Another thought crosses his mind as he feels Jaehyun’s hand shift in his. Would everything he and Jaehyun have fade once they’re apart? Oddly enough, Yuta finds his heart twisting at the thought.

He and Jaehyun don’t manage to get seats on the subway, so Jaehyun leans against one of the walls of the vehicle and Yuta holds onto a pole, facing him. “It’s quite crowded, isn’t it?” Jaehyun asks, small talk that Yuta doesn’t quite know how to answer. He offers Jaehyun a nod in lieu of a verbal response.

The subway jerks sharply at a turn and Yuta grips the pole tightly to keep his balance as everyone around him stumbles. Jaehyun reaches out for him and grabs him by the waist, pulling him closer. Yuta watches as the space he previously stood in is immediately taken up by other passengers. 

“Careful there, Yuyu,” Jaehyun mumbles, his hand burning so hot that Yuta can feel it through the two layers of fabric he wears. 

The rest of the subway ride is spent like that, Yuta presses against Jaehyun, both standing far too close to each other. Yuta doesn’t want to leave his side, his sturdy body behind Yuta’s back and strong arm wrapped around Yuta’s waist giving him a feeling of security that Yuta’s been missing all his life. It’s funny, Yuta thinks, because Jaehyun is the cause of so much hurt and anger for him, and yet he’s the only person that makes Yuta feel safe in a world where everyone else is a threat that Yuta fears.

When the subway finally reaches their stop, Jaehyun lets go, moving his hand up Yuta’s back and gently pushing him out of the doors. The crowd parts as much as they can to allow them to pass through. 

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, his arm moving further up and his hand resting on Yuta’s shoulder, holding him close. “That ride was really rocky.”

“I’m okay, you?”

“Never better,” Jaehyun grins, patting Yuta’s shoulder. “I always feel good with you.”

“Shut up, cheeseball,” Yuta snorts, rolling his eyes at Jaehyun, whose cheshire cat-like smile is blinding. 

Jaehyun leads them to a large building just a short walk away from the station. It’s tall, looming over Yuta like it’s seconds away from collapsing and crushing Yuta under glass. Jaehyun seems to sense Yuta’s nerves, because he tightens his hold on Yuta reassuringly, squeezing his shoulder.

“Isn’t it strange how we skipped school to look at school?” Jaehyun jokes, trying for humour as they step into the building. Yuta isn’t as fearful anymore, Jaehyun’s presence calms his nerves down enough for him to look around. “It’s not boring, is it?”

“No, Jaehyun,” Yuta replies simply, his eyes sparkling as he looks at his rival? Friend? Yuta isn’t sure anymore. “I’m enjoying myself.”

Jaehyun hums. “Next time, we should come at night. The city looks really pretty when it’s all lit up, especially closer to the holidays.”

“Who said I want to come again with you?” Yuta asks sceptically, watching in amusement as Jaehyun pales.

“Sorry,” Jaehyun mumbles, embarrassed as he moves his free hand up his neck, rubbing it awkwardly and avoiding Yuta’s eye. It’s strange, seeing this side of Jaehyun when he’s always been so confident and sure of himself. Yuta adores it, Jaehyun’s pale face and red ears.

“I’m kidding, Jaehyun,” Yuta whispers softly. “Bring me here over winter break, I want to see the lights.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun breathes out. He drops his arm from Yuta’s shoulder and reaches for Yuta’s hand instead. Yuta lets him take it, throat dry in wake of the familiar feeling it spreads through him, of warmth and family. Jaehyun, after all these years, is still home.

They walk out of the building, ending up in some sort of common area. Yuta loves the feeling of the building, no longer nervous or anxious. Around him, older students walk, either talking loudly to their friends or alone, eyes glued to his cellphone. There are hundreds of people who all look so different from each other, Yuta thinks he’s a little enamoured.

They find a place to sit in one of the many common areas of the school and Yuta looks around, wondering what it would be like to study in a place like this. It’s far enough from his parents to ensure Yuta won’t have to live with them, but close enough to where he grew up to not feel like he’s thousands of miles away. Yuta, who has never been decisive about anything, quickly makes a note to read more about this school online.

“I was trying to tell you earlier but it felt wrong to say it somewhere she used to be,” Jaehyun says, from where he sits across from Yuta. “My parents got married even though both sides of their families opposed it, they did it for me, because they knew I was coming.”

“Jaehyun, don’t force yourself to tell me,” Yuta tries, Jaehyun, in response, shakes his head.

“I’m telling you because I want you to know,” Jaehyun says. “I’ve never told anyone about this since the day I found out but I’ve always wanted to tell you.”

“I wasn’t born from love, I was raised by a guilty mother who loved me and a father who couldn’t care less,” Jaehyun continues, there’s a pause between his words. “I chained them down to a marriage that made them both unhappy, so when the first opportunity arose for my mother to get out of it, I took it. I left everyone behind in hopes my mother could be happy, and I don’t regret it. My mother was happy in her final months.”

“Jaehyun,” Yuta starts, only to be interrupted by Jaehyun seconds later. 

“My only regret is that I ended up leaving you behind too.”

Yuta, stunned by the confession, shakes his head in disbelief. He can feel himself losing his composure, walls crumbling at Jaehyun’s sudden vulnerability in front of him. Jaehyun’s honesty, sincerity, desperation, reflects in his eyes as he looks at Yuta, shining and damp. Yuta wants to hold him.

Instead, he reaches across and gently cups Jaehyun’s cheek, hearing Jaehyun’s breath hitch audibly. “If you’re still in the mood to be honest, why don’t you tell me where you went?”

“I went to America,” Jaehyun answers quickly, like he already had the answer at the tip of his tongue and he was just waiting for Yuta to ask. “My grandparents had come to get us away from my father and they took us far away. I wish I could’ve at least said goodbye to you.”

“And you came back a year later, why?”

“My mother died,” Jaehyun says, simply, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Actually, all three of them died, but I’d rather save that conversation for another day.”

“I understand,” Yuta says, soft and confused. He’s not quite sure how to handle this, the rawness of Jaehyun’s emotions in an unfamiliar city. “But why didn’t you talk to me after coming back? I would’ve understood.”

“When I first came back, I tried to look for you. I found you in the cafeteria, lying in Taeyong’s lap. You looked good, happy, I figured you’d already moved on so I left you alone,” Jaehyun laughs mirthlessly. “I regret that too, I should’ve tried.”

“You should’ve,” Yuta mumbles softly. “I felt like I was nothing to you.”

Jaehyun raises his own hand and gently places it over Yuta’s on his own cheek, pressing Yuta’s hand deeper against his face. Jaehyun shuts his eyes, worry and fear leaving his expression with every passing second. Yuta’s heart beats wildly.

“You were never nothing to me,” Jaehyun whispers. “You were everything, you are everything to me. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Yuta replies, though he knows it isn’t, that maybe it’ll never be okay again. Still, feeling Jaehyun’s larger hand wrapped over his, his own in between it and his cheek, has all his inhibitions fading away like a bad dream in the morning. 

“Jaehyun.” It rolls off Yuta’s tongue like it’s the only word he’s ever known. “Let’s try again.”

Jaehyun looks at him, confused and unsure before it finally clicks and his eyes widen in surprise. “Are you serious?”

Yuta nods. “You asked me if I wanted anything for my birthday, this is what I want. Be my friend again, I want you back.”

Jaehyun smiles so widely that Yuta worries about his lip, looking seconds away from splitting. He wriggles his hand out of Jaehyun’s grip and spreads his arms open instead, looking at Jaehyun dead in the eye. Jaehyun takes a moment, and then he’s moving closer, allowing Yuta to wrap his arms around him. 

“This is nice,” Jaehyun mumbles, voice muffled as he burrows deeper into Yuta’s shoulder, his hands moving up to hug Yuta back. It is nice, the familiar way Jaehyun fits with Yuta, the unique bond they share that can’t be trespassed on by anyone else. Jaehyun melts deeper into Yuta.

“Yeah, it is.”

+

The next stop, Jaehyun decides and loudly proclaims to Yuta, is a cafe in one of the many malls in the city. Jaehyun excitedly recounts his last visit to it with Jungwoo and Doyoung in June as he opens the door to the cafe. Instantly, Yuta is greeted with a blast of warmth and he smiles to himself. 

Yuta takes off his hoodie, revealing the black long sleeve underneath, and a bit of his stomach as it flies up with the hoodie. He catches Jaehyun looking after the fabric goes over his eyes, licking his lips nervously. “Liking what you see?” Yuta teases playfully, hoping they’re on that level where he can do that without it being weird. 

Jaehyun nods too eagerly. “Next time, do it with your pants.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Yuta laughs as they move towards the counter. Yuta sees an entire display of cakes and pastries in a glass shelf 

“Pick a cake,” Jaehyun says. “It’s weird to celebrate your birthday without one.”

Yuta nods, looking into the display shelf and seeing dozens of tiny cakes staring back at him. His stomach growls even though lunch was barely over an hour ago. 

Yuta ends up choosing a small chocolate cake that sits in the corner of the display shelf. Jaehyun chuckles and places the order for him, mentioning quickly that it’s the same cake he had all the way back in June; a classic best-seller that never leaves the menu, eternal and unchanging.

They find a table close to the back of the cafe, secluded and hidden from the rest of the room. It separates Jaehyun and Yuta from everyone else, sipping on drinks and eating pastries. Yuta’s own cake rests on the tray Jaehyun carries, he sets it down on the table.

Yuta is about to reach for it when Jaehyun stops him, shielding the cake with his hand. He reaches into his pockets and pulls out a small plastic packet, Yuta squints in an attempt to see what’s inside. 

Jaehyun opens the packet up and Yuta sees candles, he stares at them with wide eyes, looking up at Jaehyun after he’s processed what Jaehyun plans to do.

“Is this allowed? We’re indoors,” Yuta questions nervously. Jaehyun smiles at him as he sticks a singular candle in the middle of the cake. Yuta mourns the destruction of the perfect and smooth layer of cream.

“I asked about it last time I was here, they’re okay with it,” Jaehyun replies, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a lighter. Expertly, he strikes a fire and gently lights the tip of the candle stick with it.

Yuta’s heart races, it’s been so many years since he last had birthday candles. Johnny and Taeyong had made it a point to bring a slice of cake for Yuta on his birthday every year, but their school doesn’t allow lighters in, so he’s never had candles on them. 

Jaehyun moves the cake closer to him, smiling brightly at Yuta. Yuta’s heart skips a beat this time. “Happy birthday, Yuta. Make a wish.”

And as Yuta blows out the candles, all he can think of is how he never wants to lose Jaehyun again. It’s the same wish he had so many years ago when losing Jaehyun was a fear that later became a reality.

This time, he’s determined to keep Jaehyun forever. 

He opens his eyes when he hears the familiar shutter of the camera app and looks at Jaehyun, holding his phone in front of his face and smiling.

“You look adorable in this one,” Jaehyun coos, flipping the phone over to show Yuta himself on Jaehyun’s screen. Jaehyun has caught him while he was in the midst of blowing out the candle, eyes shut and lips puckered out to blow. It looks strange to Yuta, but Jaehyun looks at the picture with such adoration that he can’t find it in his heart to tell him to delete it.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta says suddenly, Jaehyun puts his phone face-down on the table and looks at him curiously. “I have another birthday request.”

The corners of Jaehyun’s lips twitch upwards in amusement. “Demanding, aren't we?”

“Yes, you’ll give it to me, right?” Jaehyun nods and Yuta immediately passes the plastic fork to him. “Feed me, I’m tired.”

Jaehyun gapes at him, hand shaking as he takes the fork from Yuta. He mutters something under his breath, so quietly that Yuta doesn’t catch it clearly, but it sounds a lot like _why are you doing this to me._ Yuta doesn’t have an answer to that, so he ignores it and leans forward, mouth open.

Jaehyun, hands still trembling, cuts down the cake with the side of the fork. He picks it up and moves it to Yuta’s mouth. Yuta moves forward and bites the cake off the fork, maintaining eye contact with Jaehyun, who looks like he’s about to pass out. _He must really want some,_ Yuta thinks.

“You look like you’re about to die,” Yuta comments. He reaches for the fork and pries it out of Jaehyun’s hands. Jaehyun looks mournfully at the fork Yuta now holds as Yuta cuts another piece from a different corner of the cake. He moves it to Jaehyun’s mouth. “If you want some that bad, just ask. Open up.”

“I wasn’t-” Jaehyun tries to say, interrupted by Yuta sticking the slice of cake into his mouth. He chews on it slowly, swallowing it before speaking again. “Thank you.” His cheeks are tinted a pale shade of pink, eyelashes fluttering as he blinks quickly.

“Thank you, actually,” Yuta says brightly, spooning up another piece of his cake. He swallows it before continuing, watching Jaehyun’s curious eyes follow his lips as they move with every chew. “I know you’re worried about it, but I did have a lot of fun today.”

“I’m glad,” Jaehyun replies softly, he smiles wide enough for his dimples to pop up again. He reaches across the table and takes Yuta’s hand, electricity sparking at the touch. “I only want you to have a good time.”

“I know,” Yuta says, smiling down at the half-eaten cake.

+

The train ride back to their town is a little more sombre than the atmosphere that had surrounded him for the earlier part of the day. Yuta checks the time on his phone and sees that it’s long past 5pm. 

As winter nears, the sun begins to set earlier with each day that passes. He looks out of the window on the train and sees the sky already coloured with shades of orange, fiery shades that go beyond what his eye can see. The leaves of the trees that they pass are a similar shade, brown leaves clinging to dead branches, or scattered across the floor as the country prepares for a change in temperature.

Yuta leans on Jaehyun, feeling the warmth radiate from him like a furnace. It’s comfortable, Jaehyun’s comfortable. He thinks back on his day, running around an unfamiliar city with no clear itinerary in mind. It feels so much like freedom to Yuta, the ability to run around without worries or expectations.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta mumbles sleepily, eyes shut and head pressed against Jaehyun’s shoulder. Jaehyun hums in response, absentmindedly tracing patterns on Yuta’s thigh. “I really like being around you.”

Jaehyun laughs softly, shifting in his seat. “Are you sleeptalking? You know I’m not above using this against you, right?”

“I’m awake,” Yuta huffs groggily, trying to open his eyes but finding them glued shut. “Okay, maybe I’m a little asleep.”

Jaehyun laughs again, not bothering to respond to Yuta any further, continuing to run his hand over his thigh instead. The rest of the train ride passes like that, comfortable silence and familiarity that only works with Jaehyun. Yuta keeps his eyes closed, though he’s awake with hundreds of thoughts running through his brain.

When they reach their stop, Yuta somehow ends up on Jaehyun’s back again, too exhausted to reject Jaehyun’s offer to carry him home.

The sun has fully set by then and the temperature drops significantly in the dark. Yuta burrows closer to Jaehyun, stealing his body heat and looking for some form of protection, being out in the darkness. 

“I won’t be able to see you for a while,” Jaehyun says, audibly disappointed. Yuta hums sleepily against his shoulder, curious and questioning as they walk down the dark streets. “I’ve got training almost every day after this, the qualifier for the winter games is in early December.”

“Right,” Yuta mumbles softly. “Good luck, I bet you’re amazing.”

“You should come and watch our games,” Jaehyun says, his voice dry. “I can reserve a seat for you.”

“There’s seating?” Yuta asks, a sudden rush of energy coming back to him. He opens his eyes fully for the first time since getting off the train and looks at the familiar paving of the roads in the town he’s spent his whole life in. A combination of dread and nostalgia washes over him and honestly, Yuta is too tired to figure out which is stronger.

“Everyone on the team has two invites each,” Jaehyun explains. “Most of them invite their parents, but you know I don’t exactly want to do that. I’d be a lot happier if you came.”

“Who else are you inviting?” Yuta asks.

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun replies. “Would you come? I’d like you to be there, especially if it’s for me.”

Yuta smiles against his shoulder, wondering if Jaehyun can feel it through his thick layers of clothes. “If I can get out of the house, I’d be happy to.”

+

Yuta, thankfully, makes it home before his parents do. He knows that it’s already long past his regular curfew, considering he doesn’t have debate and his parents have made their distaste for him not coming home immediately after school known all his life.

Jaehyun waits outside his house for him to slowly make his way up to his bedroom. Yuta looks out the window and finds him standing on the pavement, looking up and smiling at him. It’s so dark beyond the windows but Yuta can see Jaehyun so clearly, his heart hammers in his chest as Jaehyun waves at him. 

Yuta pulls out his phone when he catches sight of a familiar car down the street. He quickly dials Jaehyun’s number and waits for him to take the call. Jaehyun picks up after the second ring. “Miss me already?” He asks cockily, normally, Yuta would entertain him, but watching the traffic lights change has him prioritise getting Jaehyun far away instead.

“My parents are coming,” Yuta whispers, like he’s afraid his parents would hear him in his bedroom from inside their car on the road. “You should leave.”

“I will,” Jaehyun replies softly. He offers Yuta one last wave through the window before walking down the street. “Happy birthday, again. I’m happy you chose to spend today with me.”

“Thank you, Jaehyun.”

When Yuta closes his eyes that night, he can almost picture Jaehyun’s smile and his red ears on the back of his eyelids. It fills him with a warmth that can’t even be disrupted by the sound of his parents walking outside his door. He supposes that’s the way they always should have been, Jaehyun a net of safety to catch Yuta after everything else fails him.

He figures that he can ask about everything some other day, fatigued from the events and conversations of the day that for once, his hundreds of questions for Jaehyun don’t plague him for the night. He falls asleep easier than he ever has before.


	10. Chapter 10

Jaehyun texts him almost every day after his birthday. They can’t afford to meet up anymore with how much time his basketball practice takes up, which deeply upsets Yuta, though he understands. Still, Jaehyun makes an effort to text him a good morning and a good night every day. The effort has Yuta’s heart fluttering as he texts him back a quick update on his day and Jaehyun replies with some emojis.

Yuta still has so many questions for Jaehyun, so much he wants to ask about and know regarding the past few years of Jaehyun’s life that he’s missed out on. He figures they can wait for a day when Jaehyun has time, for now, he sticks to reminding Jaehyun to take breaks in between his training.

Yuta spends his time revising for tests, falling back into a familiar routine that was all he knew before Jaehyun knocked on the door to his life again. It’s boring and tedious, but it’s something Yuta’s known all his life, and it comes to him naturally.

His parents are pleased by the lack of distractions and the absolute focus Yuta gives his school work. They remain unaware of his phone sitting beside his stacks of books and worksheets, and the way Yuta eyes it while studying, waiting for it to light up with notifications from Jaehyun.

+

“It’s strange to find you alone,” Doyoung says, setting his tray down on the table across from Yuta. He offers him a smile as he takes a seat. Yuta knows by now that Doyoung isn’t used to asking for permission before doing what he wants, in a way, it makes him similar to Jaehyun.

It’s the middle of November now, three weeks since Yuta had last seen Jaehyun, aside from them occasionally passing each other in the hallways with a smile and a wave. It’s surprising to find Doyoung here, seeing as he’s been almost as busy as Jaehyun in preparing for the winter games. Nonetheless, Yuta welcomes the company.

Yuta picks at his food, it’s a cold sandwich, wrapped in plastic and served with a single slice of an apple. It’s still better than his mother’s cooking, Yuta thinks snarkily before he remembers that he has company. He looks up to find Doyoung watching his hands poking at the plastic wrapping of his sandwich.

“Taeyong roped Johnny into helping him with his latest art project,” Yuta says with a shrug, finally peeling the wrapping off his sandwich and holding the cheap bread in his hands. “So, I’m on my own for today.”

Doyoung smiles, a gummy smile that stretches across his face and makes him look ridiculously pretty. Yuta is surrounded by attractive people but somehow finds his gut clenching whenever he sees another one. “Mind if I crash with you, then?”

“Depends.” Yuta pauses after the word, raising a finger and pointing it at Doyoung suspiciously. “You’re not using me to get out of some strategy meeting with Jaehyun again, are you?”

Doyoung shakes his head. “What are you? His watchdog?” He asks playfully, unwrapping his own sandwich. “Jaehyun and the team are on the courts today, they’re preparing the venue for later. I’m not required to be there until after school.”

“What’s going on later?” Yuta asks curiously, taking a bite of his sandwich and scrunching up his nose as the stale taste of it. It has a freezer-taste to it, Yuta realises, as he places the sandwich back down on the tray and decides to not eat it. 

“We have another school coming over for a training match,” Doyoung replies, his own sandwich abandoned on his tray. Yuta wonders how ethical it could possibly be for a school to feed their students like this. “I’m friends with one of the managers of their team so arranging a joint practice was pretty easy.”

“Oh,” Yuta replies, slightly disappointed. “I was planning to drop by to check on,” he pauses, throat running dry, “the team.”

“It won’t kill you to say you wanted to see Jaehyun, you know?” Doyoung says pointedly, an amused smile on his face. “I heard you two are friends again?”

“Did Jaehyun tell you that?” Yuta asks, blinking slowly and noticing the subtle changes in Doyoung’s expression. He can’t quite place the shift but Doyoung’s emotions are a little harder to read now, not that Yuta has ever been good at that.

“He hasn’t stopped gushing about it since it happened,” Doyoung laughs. “Every second sentence he’s said the past three weeks has begun with your name. Jungwoo and I thought he was annoying enough about you before you made up, but this is something else.”

“If it’s annoying, just ask him to stop,” Yuta suggests, met by an immediate snicker from Doyoung.

“That’s easier said than done, you never leave his mind, you know?” Before Yuta has a chance to reply, Doyoung adds, “If you want to see him after school, just come to the courts. He won’t turn you away, believe me. Break time is at 6pm.”

“I thought there wasn’t a break,” Yuta says, surprised. He remembers that Jaehyun didn’t have one at all and planned to train without pause the last time he had visited the courts. Yuta remembers the amount of worry that shook his heart thinking about Jaehyun training without rest.

“Jaemin told me he decided to implement a thirty-minute long break into their training schedules after you visited last time,” Doyoung informs him with a shrug. “You must’ve really shaken him up, Jaehyun hates taking breaks.”

“I’m glad.” Yuta picks at the napkin under his sandwich on his tray, tearing the corners of it with every touch. It disintegrates in his hands, leaving Yuta to wonder how cheap this school could possibly be. “Then, I suppose there’s no real reason for me to drop by.”

Doyoung laughs airily. “You should do it anyway, I know Jaehyun would be happy to see you.” He looks at Yuta thoughtfully for a moment too long, chin resting in his palm. “He’s been moping about it for a while now, Yukhei says he’s been spending his breaks eating that same bread you got for him and texting you. It really is quite sad.”

“If you say so,” Yuta mumbles, still unsure. There’s a lot more that he wants to ask Doyoung, like what Jaehyun has been saying about him, insecurity eats at his heart. “Will I see you there?”

Doyoung purses his lips to contain a smile that borders on mystery. Yuta can’t shake the sinking feeling in his gut that, perhaps, he’s missed something big. “You will.”

+

Yuta busies himself in the school library with Johnny after school, revising concepts with his friend who seems to be having trouble with understanding. He sends a message to his mother that he’ll be home late as he’s working on a project in school, a lie that gets left on read by the woman.

Johnny, visibly distressed by the questions on his worksheet, disrupts the silence of the library with an excruciating groan. He’s met by the sharp glares of their fellow students and angered shushing by the librarians, and he has the decency to at least look embarrassed. 

It’s evident, then, that Johnny is distracted and he won’t be doing any work for the rest of their time in the library, though it was him who invited Yuta to join him in what he called “cramming for midterms”. Yuta, bored of reviewing content he already knows, decides to humour him when he sees Johnny’s twitching fingers and curious, lingering gaze.

“You’re friends with Doyoung now?” Johnny asks, ripping the bandaid off. Yuta smiles to himself, wondering how long Johnny had wanted to ask about that, what had prompted him to finally ask about it. 

“Jealous?” Yuta teases, watching his long-time friend blush at the insinuation that he still has feelings for his ex. Johnny shakes his head quickly.

“I could never be jealous of you when you’re too busy doing some sort of mating ritual with Jeong Jaehyun to even think about dating anyone else,” Johnny fires back playfully and now, it’s Yuta’s turn for his face to flare up at Johnny’s implications. He kicks his friend beneath the table, met by a groan.

“Yeah, I’m friends with Doyoung now, we sit together in some classes,” Yuta says, scoffing at Johnny dramatically clutching his leg in exaggerated pain. He glares at Yuta, no real malice hiding behind his eyes. 

Johnny puts down his leg, forgetting about his display of agony almost immediately. “Did he invite you to watch the basketball game, then? He mentioned wanting to invite you while we were texting yesterday.”

Yuta frowns, trying to think back to Doyoung having mentioned something like that. He shakes his head when no memories resurface. “I wouldn’t be able to accept it, anyway.”

Johnny raises his eyebrow curiously, leaning in with a questioning look on his face. Yuta sighs internally, knowing the reaction his reply will elicit from his friend. Johnny’s cat-like eyes bore into him and he gives in. “I’m waiting on Jaehyun’s invite,” he confesses, watching Johnny’s eyes shine in excitement. “He mentioned it to me in October, I won’t go unless he properly invites me.”

Johnny smiles a shit-eating grin, reaching over the table to nudge at Yuta mischievously. “Just date him already, it’s obvious that you want to.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Yuta says flatly, glancing up at the clock that hangs on cheap plaster that makes up the walls of the library. He quickly gathers his books from the tabletop. “It’s almost six, I should get going.”

“It’s only 5.30,” Johnny points out, a knowing smile settling on his face as Yuta shoves his books into his bag, hoisting it onto his shoulders once done. “You seem really eager to see your sweaty boyfriend.” He doesn’t sound teasing, rather pleased with himself, it doesn’t stop Yuta from flushing. 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Yuta grumbles, pushing his chair in. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you, Yuta,” Johnny replies, packing up his own books. He flashes Yuta a heart-fluttering smile and Yuta is, once again, reminded of how attractive everyone around him is. “Try to not distract Jaehyun _too_ much, okay?”

“Shut up.”

When Yuta exits the library, he’s instantly reminded that he had forgotten to put on his jacket. The sun had set an hour ago and the cold air stemming from a lack of sunlight hits him, biting chills passing down his spine. Still, the walk to the courts isn’t that far and it’s sheltered for the most part, so Yuta doesn’t bother to fish his jacket out from where it’s buried in his bag. He shivers until he reaches a familiar room full of vending machines and quickly enters, closing the door behind him with a relieved sigh.

There is a figure that stands before the vending machine, Yuta assumes it’s one of Jaehyun’s teammates, since they’re the only people who use this court. The rest of the sports teams train on the other end of the campus, where the rest of the sports facilities are. 

Upon closer inspection, Yuta realises that he doesn’t know this person at all. He’s Yukhei’s height but his build resembles Jaehyun’s and when he turns around to face Yuta, he realises that he’s never seen his face around here.

It clicks, then, that this is probably one of the members of the school that’s over to train with Jaehyun’s team today. He looks at Yuta curiously, holding a drink can in his hand. “Training started hours ago,” he says, his voice drawls and Yuta finds himself putting his guard up, feeling unsafe. “You’re late.” It comes out sharply and Yuta does everything in his power to prevent himself from flinching, wishing that either Jaehyun or Doyoung could walk through those doors now and walk him to the court.

“I’m not here to train,” Yuta replies, hating the timidly soft volume of his voice. He steels himself and looks up to meet the other’s eye. “I’m here to check on my friend.”

The other man hums. “You’re quite pretty, aren’t you?” He says, a deep chuckle following his words. Yuta feels like he’s been doused in icy water, afraid of what would happen if he was to walk away from this man right now. “My name is Minyong, and yours?”

Yuta can't tell if Minyong is mocking him, his tone flat while his eyes sparkle with curiosity and something else that makes Yuta feel like a piece of meat. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Yuta replies, his voice shaking. “I’m here for Jaehyun, not you. Please excuse me.”

Yuta tries to walk away but before he can, the door swings open and dread pools in his heart at whoever could be standing behind it. “Yuta?” An incredulous voice, one that floods Yuta with relief when he recognises it as Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun stands by the door, looking at him in shock, and it’s then that Yuta realises that Minyong is still standing before him. He whips his head to the side and sees the man smiling at him.

“Yuta, what a pretty name.”

“Come here,” Jaehyun demands. His eyes bore into Yuta, as if attempting to burn holes into him. Yuta makes his way to Jaehyun’s side, ignoring the snort it draws out of Minyong. Jaehyun takes him into his arms as soon as he’s close enough, sliding his hand around Yuta’s nape and leaning down, knocking their foreheads together.

“You didn’t tell me you were dropping by,” he mumbles, so softly that Yuta almost deludes himself into believing it’s affection seeping into Jaehyun’s words. 

“I told Doyoung, he said I could,” Yuta replies airily. “If it’s bad timing, blame him for giving me the go signal.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, his bangs brushing against Yuta’s forehead. “Yuta, you know it’s never bad timing for you.” He quickly ushers Yuta through the door to the court. “Where's your jacket? It’s freezing, come in, it’s warmer inside.”

Once they’re both inside, Jaehyun slams the door roughly, Yuta wonders if he always does that and how the door hasn’t fallen off its hinges yet. When he meets Jaehyun’s eye, he finds him staring at him. It’s evident that Jaehyun won’t start talking, so Yuta sighs, moving his fingers to warm them up. “Who was that guy in the other room?”

Jaehyun scrunches up his nose and Yuta watches as sweat rolls down from his hairline to his cheeks. “Park Minyong, he’s the captain of the other school’s team.” Jaehyun pauses, looking rather deep in thought for a moment. “What did he say to you?” 

Yuta shrugs. “Called me pretty, said my name was pretty. Thanks for that, by the way, I wasn’t planning on telling him.”

Jaehyun’s breath hitches as if he’s being strangled. Yuta worries about him as he chokes on seemingly nothing. He pats Jaehyun’s back reassuringly, taking the time to look around the court. He sees unfamiliar faces all over the place, and then he sees Doyoung, looking at the clock that hangs on the wall. He claps his hands and blows his whistle, announcing break time. Yuta watches the entire court full of boys collapse on the wooden floors.

Yuta guides Jaehyun to the seating area, throwing a look at Doyoung who just notices he’s there. Doyoung grins brightly at him from across the court, waving but he doesn’t make an effort to walk to where he is, instead busying himself in a conversation with someone from the other school.

“Jaehyun,” Yuta says, digging through his bag. He pulls out a bottle of sports drink and passes it to his friend. “Why do you look so-”

Yuta is immediately cut off by Jaehyun leaning on his shoulder, his sweaty hair sticking to Yuta’s shirt, Yuta finds that he doesn’t mind as long as it’s Jaehyun. He takes the drink from Yuta’s hand, humming in appreciation. “Thanks, Yuyu.”

He opens the cap with ease, astounding Yuta with his strength, and tips it back against his lips, drinking as much of it as humanly possible. When done, he sighs contentedly. “You’re so cold,” he mumbles. “Where’s your jacket? You can’t keep doing this.”

“I thought the walk was short enough,” Yuta says with a shrug, jostling Jaehyun’s head in the process. “Are you okay?”

“Always good when you’re here,” Jaehyun replies, cheerfully but also tiredly. “Practice has been so hard today, I’m so happy you’re here.”

“I didn’t know you took breaks now, though I guess that’s why you were texting me every day at around the same time,” Yuta says.

“You seemed unhappy that I wasn’t taking breaks, so I switched up the schedules to fit one in,” Jaehyun laughs, wet hair brushing against the side of Yuta’s face. He scrunches up his nose at the sour smell but doesn’t find it completely unpleasant. “Enough about that, I’m so happy. This is the longest I’ve talked to you in-person since your birthday.”

Yuta smiles fondly at his friend, taking the drink bottle from him and taking a sip of it too. Jaehyun snuggles his cheek deeper against Yuta’s shoulder at the sight. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Yuta screws the cap back onto the bottle, setting it aside. “I wasn’t planning to come since you had company, but I’m happy to see you again.”

The strange atmosphere that settles in them is broken by a calling of Yuta’s name and a sudden presence that appears beside them. Jaehyun takes his head off Yuta’s shoulder, jaw setting roughly as he stares at the person who sits next to Yuta now. Yuta turns and comes face-to-face with Minyong.

“Hey, Yuta,” he says, a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes appearing on his face. Yuta feels his mouth run dry at the sight. “Why don’t you ditch Jeong here and come with me? I’d love to get to know you.”

Yuta doesn’t know what about that statement is so jarring to him, because though he’s rather adamant about not dating anyone, he’s normally rather flattered when people show interest in him. This, however, feels wrong.

He feels Jaehyun’s hand brush against his on the bench, interlocking their pinkies, and suddenly it all makes sense to Yuta. He picks out one word from Minyong that strikes chords in his heart, _Jeong._

He thinks back to months and years of addressing Jaehyun like that, how that name connected him to Jaehyun when nothing else would. Now, feeling Jaehyun’s pinky locked with his and staring at someone else who addresses Jaehyun by that name, Yuta’s heart burns in his chest.

“I’m flattered, really,” Yuta says, reaching up to brush his own bangs out of his eyes. “But this isn’t a good time.”

“Then tell me when’s a good time for you,” Minyong says, not getting the hint that Yuta wants him gone. He taps his thumb on Jaehyun’s hand and hopes to god that his friend will get the message and chase him away. Jaehyun seems to really wake up then because he stands and steps in front of Yuta like a bodyguard. 

“You will not be getting a date with him,” Jaehyun declares sharply, puffing his chest out in an attempt to make himself look stronger than he really is. Yuta’s gut stirs with a feeling he can’t quite place, watching Jaehyun stand for him like this. “Trust me, I’ve been trying for years.”

Minyong rolls his eyes. “Can’t he speak for himself? I’m not asking you out, Jeong.”

Yuta sighs deeply, rather annoyed now, he reaches for Jaehyun’s hand and pulls him down by the wrist. Jaehyun, who had looked steady on his feet, falls far too easily at Yuta’s tug. He stands himself, not letting go of Jaehyun’s wrist as his gaze burns deeply into Minyong’s. 

“I’m not interested,” Yuta says softly, despite every nerve in his body telling him to scream. “Like I said earlier,” he licks his lips, side-eyeing Jaehyun, “I’m here for Jaehyun, not you. Please allow me to enjoy the rest of the break with him alone.”

He glances at the clock on the wall, they’ve already wasted ten minutes.

“You’ll regret it, seriously,” Minyong says, scowl evident on his face. His eyes shine when he looks at Yuta, but it’s not anywhere nearly as warm as Jaehyun's. Yuta finds himself comparing them without a second thought, and he decides that Jaehyun is better. “When I kick his ass at the winter games.”

“That’s a problem for the winter games,” Yuta fires back fluidly. “But even if you do, I’ll still only be there for Jaehyun. Please go now.”

Yuta watches in satisfaction as Minyong stalks off. Jaehyun shakes his wrist out of Yuta’s hold and instead links their fingers together, pulling Yuta down onto the bench like that. Yuta barely has time to register what’s happening when Jaehyun throws his arms around him. “Jaehyun?” He feels Jaehyun bury his face into his shoulder and can’t stop the smile from blooming on his lips at the feeling. “Hey, what are you doing?”

“I’m gonna die,” Jaehyun mumbles against his chest. “You looked so cute, like an angry little mouse.”

Yuta pushes him off. “I despise you,” he says with a frown, met instantaneously by Jaehyun’s boisterous laughter. 

“No, you don’t,” Jaehyun laughs, his tone light and easy. It strikes Yuta, then, that this is the Jaehyun he’s been missing all these years. His heart pounds wildly in his chest, watching Jaehyun’s ears in their bright shade of red. 

“Yeah,” Yuta replies, his voice distant and detached from his body. “I really don’t.”

“Yuta,” Jaehyun mumbles seriously, hand on his shoulder. “I missed you.”

“I know, dumbass,” Yuta mumbles, feeling his cheeks colour. “That’s why I came to see you.”

“It’s easier on both of us if you just admit you missed me too,” Jaehyun says, a gentle smile gracing his features. Yuta’s heart skips a beat at the sight, light and easy, he almost forgets they’re in the company of Jaehyun’s team and random strangers who came to play with them. “You meant it, right?”

“Meant what, exactly?” Yuta asks, confused as Jaehyun’s face turns a bright shade of red before him. Jaehyun cards his fingers through his hair and Yuta, thinking back to the past, wonders if Jaehyun ever plans to perm his hair again.

“You’ll come to my games, for me?” Jaehyun asks nervously, hand falling from his hair and instead landing on the hem of his jersey, he plays with the stitches on the end.

Yuta nods. “Only if you want me there.”

“Of course, I always want you,” Jaehyun whispers softly. Yuta, surprised by Jaehyun’s phrasing, considers asking him to share what he means by it. His words die in his throat when he hears Doyoung blow into a whistle, signifying the end of their break. Jaehyun pats Yuta on the shoulder, clearing his throat. “You should go home now, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Yuta deflates, hoping that Jaehyun would at least be available to talk to after his training. Jaehyun, however, is adamant about him leaving. “Text me when you get home, okay? I’ll answer as soon as I can.” He pauses for a moment. “It’s dark outside, so watch out.”

“I didn’t take you for a worrier,” Yuta says, teasing and smiling brightly. Jaehyun doesn’t return the smile, instead staring at Yuta like he’s glass that might shatter if he applies too much pressure on him. “Jaehyun?”

“I’m not,” Jaehyun says simply, shrugging his shoulders and averting his gaze away from Yuta, ears burning red. “Not a worrier, but I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Yuta giggles, kicking his feet against the underside of the benches. “Am I that special to you, Jeong Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun leans down and knocks their foreheads together again, eyes burning intensely into Yuta’s. “Yes,” he replies, a clipped tone that borders on desperation. Yuta swallows the lump that forms in his throat. “So wear your jacket and don’t give me reasons to worry.” With that, Jaehyun runs back onto the court, shooting one last glance at Yuta, a look that burns him up from the inside.

+

The walk home isn’t anything special when done alone, Yuta finds himself dragging his feet across the pavement and looking at the rows of houses absentmindedly. He tightens the strings of his jacket in a futile attempt to trap more heat, finding the weather getting increasingly colder as winter approaches.

It’s still the earlier half of November but Yuta can see that some families have already begun decorating their houses for the holidays. The streets are lit up in tiny Christmas lights and if Yuta squints, he can make out wreaths hanging on the wooden front doors. He sighs, it’s been years since he decorated a tree, he remembers sneaking out to visit Johnny’s house two weeks before Christmas several years ago. His mother had smiled at Yuta, warmly enough to heat him up from his walk in the cold, and had offered him a selection of tree ornaments, saying he could pick one to decorate the tree with.

Come to think of it, Yuta hasn’t seen Johnny’s family in a while. They were always warm and friendly, a trait that Johnny, too, had inherited past his arsenal of lewd jokes and his obsession with his anonymous blog. He makes a mental note to send them a card for Christmas, through Johnny, of course.

Yuta looks at the cheap material of his jacket, the plastic-like texture of the fabric reflects the lights. He wonders if his friends would be willing to accompany him to get a better one, since he had long outgrown the jackets he wore from the previous winter.

As if on cue, his phone rings. Yuta digs his uncovered fingers into his pocket and fishes it out, checking the name displayed on the screen. Part of him expects his mother’s name to flash across, but Yuta is pleasantly surprised when he sees that it’s Johnny.

“Johnny,” he breathes into the phone, watching his own breath come out in a puff of smoke. “Good evening.”

“Hey, Yu,” Johnny replies, he sounds relaxed and Yuta deduces that he’s lying down from the lack of energy in his tone. He does, however, sound far more cheerful than Yuta is. “Doyoung called me and asked me to check on you, he said Jaehyun’s been worrying about you since you left, or something.”

Yuta snorts. “Unbelievable.”

“What can I say?” Johnny laughs and Yuta can almost hear the width of the grin that spreads across his friend’s face through the phone. “He really loves you so much.”

“There’s another reason you called, isn’t there?” Yuta asks, sticking his free hand into his pocket as another cold blast of wind blows onto him. “Otherwise, you would’ve told Kim Doyoung to call me himself and go back to sleep.”

Johnny inhales sharply. “Do you think I’m that horrible a friend?” He asks, mock hurt. Yuta knows Johnny well enough to know that it isn’t real, so all he does is scoff into the phone. Johnny gasps. “Nakamoto Yuta, why are you so cruel?”

“Shut up, Jyan.” Yuta slips in the old nickname that Taeyong had created for him years ago. “What did you call me for?”

Johnny hums in recognition. “I just spoke to my mother, my parents really miss you, you know,” Johnny says with a laugh. “I think they love you more than they love me, their own son.”

Yuta’s heart catches in his throat. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” Johnny replies brightly. “I wanted to tell you about it tomorrow but I was worried I’d forget. Do you want to join us for Christmas shopping this year? Mom wants me to invite both you and Yong.”

Yuta can hear his blood rushing in his head, the rapid beating of a drum flooding his thoughts. It’s been so many years and it’s odd that the invitation is coming now, just after Yuta was thinking of Johnny’s family, who had treated him better than his own ever did.

“I don’t know, Johnny,” and _fuck,_ it hurts to say it. Yuta registers the slight drop in his heartbeat and the ache in his chest at not being able to say yes to Johnny’s invitation immediately. He wants to go with them, more than anything, but also he knows he can’t immediately accept it. He knows his parents wouldn’t let him go that easily. “I’ll have to see.”

Johnny sighs softly. “I hope you can make it, Yuta, because I miss you too. Isn’t that ridiculous? I see you every day.” Johnny sighs again, far louder this time as Yuta’s heart begs to jump out of his chest. “Mark the first Saturday of December, okay?”

Yuta nods, his eyes misting up a little at Johnny’s open expression of love for him. He then realises that Johnny can’t see that over the phone. “Okay,” he mumbles.

When Johnny hangs up, Yuta notices that somehow, he’s found his way back to his house, standing before the looming building. It’s the only house on the street without lights hanging on the walls, though, Yuta’s heart falls in dread when he realises the lights inside are on. The temperature around him drops considerably, or maybe Yuta imagines the way chills travel down his spine. 

He opens the door with his keys, slowly and trying to stall having to come face to face with his parents. He wonders why they didn’t call him, with it being past his curfew, though he’s thankful that they haven’t.

Somehow, despite the heating system that runs through the house, Yuta finds it even colder within. His mother’s gaze is cold from where she reclines on the left side of the sofa, eyes boring into Yuta.

“Where have you been, son?” She asks and Yuta realises that they’re alone, his father nowhere in sight. She stands from the sofa and walks towards him, Yuta braces himself for whatever is to come his way, but finds his mother stopping before him, not moving a muscle. “You smell like sweat, were you really working on a project?” She asks, sceptically.

_Project?_ Yuta thinks, wondering what she could be talking about, before remembering the lie he had told her hours ago. He nods vigorously. “The library was really stuffy, I suppose the temperature regulation system was broken, mother.”

“Take a shower, you will not sully my house with your stench,” she barks and Yuta has to stop his eyes from widening in surprise. She hasn’t raised a hand against him, hasn’t said anything to make Yuta question his worth. It’s unlike the woman Yuta was raised by, and he can’t help but feel that something terribly wrong has happened.

Yuta nods in response. “Yes, mother.” The words drip from his tongue like corrosive poison, leaving a dull ache in his mouth. “I’m sorry for being late.”

His mother waves him off and as Yuta prepares to climb up the stairs to get to his room, he’s stopped by her sharp voice. “Yuta.” Just the mention of his name is enough to get his attention, his knees weak under him as he fears for the worst. 

“Yes?” He calls back, unable to stop the tremor in his voice. He doesn’t have to see her to know she smiles emptily at the space he once stood in. 

“Tread carefully, my son, you never know what could come to light with every misstep,” she says, her voice bouncing off every corner of the room. 

Once in his room, Yuta collapses on the floor, knees grown too weak to support him any longer. He hugs the floorboards, arms sprawling across the wood like it’s his lifeline, and lies there for a while. No matter how hard he tries, his mother’s words don’t leave his head, growing like an incurable infection and consuming him.

What could come to light? What does Yuta fear? He knows he’ll never lose Taeyong and Johnny, the duo too persistent and too caring to even think of giving up on the mess that Yuta is. 

Jaehyun, Yuta thinks, there’s no way Jaehyun would ever give up on him, either. Jaehyun’s been a constant in Yuta’s life, no matter what position he played, whether he was a rival, an enemy, a best friend. Jaehyun wouldn’t leave Yuta for the world, yet, something blooms uneasily in his chest at the thought of Jaehyun clashing unnecessarily with his mother.

It’s a long time before Yuta manages to get up and drag himself to the shower. Taking a sniff of his clothes when he pulls them over his head, he realises that he really does smell like sweat. It’s not even his sweat, it’s Jaehyun’s. Yuta throws everything he wears onto the floor and steps into the shower, washing himself as if his fears can be scrubbed off with soap.

He’s washing the shampoo out of his hair when he gets a call, his phone vibrating in a dangerous position, on the edge of the small platform beside the sink. Yuta sighs, hobbling out of the shower and quickly wiping his hands on his towel, worried about his phone falling. He grabs it too fast and accidentally hits the accept button before reading the name on the screen.

It’s just a call, Yuta thinks, it doesn’t matter he’s literally completely naked with soap bubbles still trapped in his hair. He’ll just take the call and then get back to his shower, it’s no big deal.

Except it is when Jaehyun’s face pops up on the screen. “Yuta!” He gasps, looking frenzied. Yuta recognises the wall of the school behind him. “I told you to text me when you got home but you didn’t and I was so worried, it’s been ages.”

“Shit,” Yuta curses, suddenly aware of the fact that he’s dripping wet and on a call with his friend. “Why is the video on?”

“I had to see if you were alive,” Jaehyun replies, like it’s the most obvious thing ever. “Why are you wet? Did you fall into a lake? Is that why you didn’t text? Where are you right now?” Jaehyun leans in closer to the camera, face blocking up most of the screen as if he’s trying to somehow pass through the phone. “And where’s your shirt? It’s subzero out there, Yuta, it’s not the time to practice nudity. If it’s wet from falling into the lake, just wait wherever you are, you look like you’re indoors anyway, I’ll bring you a change of clothes.”

“Jaehyun!” Yuta snaps to stop Jaehyun from blabbering any further. It’s a habit his friend has had his entire life, an inability to stop talking once worked up. It’s something that Yuta has always found cute, but not in this situation. “I didn’t fall into a lake!”

“Then, where are you?” Jaehyun asks curiously.

“Do I have to show you my fucking dick? Figure it out,” he groans, embarrassed. Jaehyun pauses for a moment, before his eyes widen in shock.

“Bye!” He says, Yuta catches the red tint that quickly travels across Jaehyun’s face, his cheeks ablaze as he taps the screen to try and hang up on the call. It takes several taps, but eventually, Jaehyun succeeds and the video call ends.

Yuta finishes his shower quickly, feeling far more alert as the water hits his back. He steps out of the shower and dries himself off, putting on his sleepwear before snatching up his phone. He’s immediately met by an onslaught of notifications that flood his lock screen.

**Baby Jaehyun [20:44]:** yuta this is so embarrassing

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:44]:** i am sooooo sorry

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:44]:** i swear i had no idea

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:45]:** i really didn’t intend to interrupt your private time like that

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:45]:** you know i’m nothing like that right

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:45]:** i swear i didn’t mean to

 **Yuta [20:53]:** what the hell are you talking about?

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:54]:** oh good you’re online

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:54]:** i know you’re 18 now and all grown but i didn’t expect you to be the type to sleep around

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:54]:** not that that’s an issue of course it’s a free country

 **Yuta [20:55]:** literally what the fuck are you saying?

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:55]:** weren’t you having sex?

 **Yuta [20:56]:** JAEHYUN.

 **Yuta [20:56]:** i was taking a SHOWER.

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:57]:** oh

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:57]:** OH

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:57]:** goodbye 

Yuta stares blankly at his phone screen, gripping it tightly as he reads Jaehyun’s messages over and over again. Eventually, he begins to smile as the exhaustion and fear he was experiencing wears off from him. He doesn’t exactly know what magic Jaehyun worked on him, but his agitation melts off his heart at the thought of his friend.

It’s still not enough, though. Because an hour passes and he still finds himself staring at the ceiling in the dark, unable to sleep and thinking of his mother’s words. Giving it up as a lost cause, he reaches for his phone and decides to video call Jaehyun in hopes that the other is still awake.

Jaehyun, evidently, isn’t sleeping. Yuta wasn’t expecting him to be, since Jaehyun had always been more of a night owl. He picks up after the first ring, his face immediately coming onto the screen. Yuta’s heart speeds uneasily in his chest.

“Yuta,” he croaks softly, voice hushed and hoarse as he shifts in what seems to be an attempt to get comfortable. Yuta realises that Jaehyun is lying down, possibly on his bed given the comforter around him. They’re in the same position, then.

“I’m sorry for not texting you when I got home, and for picking up your call bare-assed in my bathroom,” Yuta apologises shamelessly, watching red colour Jaehyun’s features. “Texting you slipped my mind, I really didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun squeaks. “Sorry for assuming you were having sex.”

“You’re a little too young to talk about this with,” Yuta laughs, met by the twitch of Jaehyun’s lips. “It’s okay, I’ll admit my dick comment was a little unnecessary.”

“I’m almost eighteen too,” Jaehyun mumbles, lacking energy. He shifts again, groaning softly. “My body feels like it’s going to break in half, but I don’t want to stop talking to you.”

“Are you okay?” Yuta asks, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted, though,” Jaehyun replies softly. “Minyong is a pain in the ass to deal with, I’m gonna beat the fuck out of him when I see him at regionals.”

Yuta laughs upon hearing Jaehyun cursing, something that has always been rare. Jaehyun only ever uses the crude language that comes naturally to Yuta in times of fatigue and frustration. Yuta wonders what it could be this time.

“It’s uncomfortable,” Yuta says, finally. He watches Jaehyun’s attention perk up at his words. “When I was with him at the vending machines, I felt like he was looking at me like I was an object.”

“If you run into him again, stay with me,” Jaehyun says softly. “I won’t let him get near you.”

From somewhere in the background, Yuta hears a shrill call of Jaehyun’s name. His friend sighs, getting up from his position on his bed. “I have to go now, the witch calls. I’m sorry to leave you.”

“Jaehyun,” Yuta mumbles, before Jaehyun has the chance to hang up. Jaehyun raises his eyebrow at him. “I think I’m starting to understand.” Jaehyun pales considerably at his words.

“I do want you,” Jaehyun acknowledges stiffly. “Yuta, I really have to go now, but I’ll talk to you soon, okay? I’ll really try.”

“Good night, Jaehyun,” Yuta whispers, before hanging up on the call himself. Once alone in his dark room, Yuta stares up at the ceiling once again, feeling the weight in his chest grow even heavier than before the phone call. Still, it’s easier to rest after speaking with Jaehyun. Yuta supposes that even after all this time, Jaehyun provides him a sort of comfort that he can’t get from anyone else.

In the end, it always seems like Jaehyun was made for Yuta. Additionally, Yuta thinks as he drifts off, Yuta was made to be by Jaehyun’s side too. 

+

Yuta receives a pop quiz in one of his classes the next day, hunched over his desk and confidently scrawling his answers on the sheet of paper before him. He smiles to himself, he has yet to lose his touch.

He finishes with fifteen minutes to spare, subtly looking around so as to not get accused of cheating. He sees his classmates struggling and in a twisted way, it makes Yuta feel good about himself. He is once again reminded of the gap between him and the rest of them, the amount of work he’s put in through so many years to ensure no one could surpass him.

Then, his eye lands on Jaehyun, asleep on his papers. It’s another reminder to Yuta, that Jaehyun is the one person who has ever been on par with him. It doesn’t instil the same rage in Yuta that it once did, because Jaehyun looks tired this time. Yuta can see lines of exhaustion on his face as he sleeps uncomfortably on the hard, flat surface of his desk. 

When the quiz is over, the teacher collects their work by walking down the rows. Yuta watches as she yanks the papers out from beneath Jaehyun, his friend stirs, sitting up in embarrassment as he apologises for falling asleep. The teacher moves on, not bothering to acknowledge him as the rest of the class giggles.

At the collection of the last paper, everyone sighs in relief. It’s lunch break after this and Yuta knows everyone just wants to get out of class. They’re dismissed shortly after and Yuta watches his classmates stream out, rushing to be the first to get their dry lunch from the cafeteria.

Jaehyun stays at his table, disoriented, even after the teacher leaves. He looks exhausted and Yuta decides that he can’t leave him here like this. He walks up to Jaehyun and gently claps a hand down on his shoulder. Jaehyun jumps, looking up at him, only for his shoulders to sag in relief when he realises that it’s just Yuta.

“Jaehyun, the class left a while ago, are you okay?” Yuta asks, trying to suppress the worry in his heart. Jaehyun smiles at him.

“You care about me so much, my little Yuta,” Jaehyun snickers. “I’m fine, I just didn’t end up getting enough sleep last night.”

“Do you have to meet with your team for lunch?” Yuta asks, moving his hand to the back of Jaehyun’s neck. His friend shivers slightly in his hold. “Doyoung? Jungwoo?”

“Fuck all that,” Jaehyun mumbles. “I want to be with you.”

Yuta shrugs. “Follow me, then. I’m not going to the cafeteria, though, they’re serving mystery meat burgers again. I’d rather not find out.”

Jaehyun perks up considerably, tired eyes shining brightly as he looks at Yuta. “I get to spend lunch with you?”

Yuta smiles lopsidedly at him. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Jaehyun’s smile wavers a little, followed by a stiff nod of his head. “Yeah,” Jaehyun replies, breath short, and Yuta is left to wonder what could have possibly changed his mood.

+

“It’s quite cold out here,” Yuta states, closing the door to the school behind him as he walks out. Jaehyun is already ahead of him, zipping up his jacket. Yuta digs through his bag for his own that he wasn’t wearing in the building. He pulls out Jaehyun’s stupid panda sweater and curses when he realises that he’d forgotten it was Jaehyun’s while running out of the house. Jaehyun sees it and grins.

“Isn’t that mine?”

“No,” Yuta lies, slipping it on. “It’s mine now, you can’t take it back.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jaehyun chuckles, reaching over to adjust Yuta’s sweater for him. “Though, it’s definitely not warm enough for December, you should get a thicker one.”

“I was going to go shopping with Johnny and Taeyong in December,” Yuta says, feeling Jaehyun’s handprint through the material of his sweater, dusting his chest off. Jaehyun’s hand runs over the panda, and Yuta is about to break him in half for his strange obsession with that panda. “If I can even leave the house on that day.”

“I overheard Johnny and Doyoung talking about it earlier,” Jaehyun says with a shrug, finally taking his hands off Yuta. “First Saturday of December right? I can get you out of the house.”

Yuta’s eyes widen. “I forgot, that’s your day with me, but you’ll still be busy with your games on that day so I assumed it would be okay with you.”

Jaehyun laughs softly. “Don’t panic, Yuyu, I’m not upset. You’re right, the qualifier is the week after so I’ll be busy.” Jaehyun nervously brushes his hair aside, his hand staying up on his head as he makes eye contact with Yuta. “After that, during winter break, I can take you back to the city.”

“I would love it,” Yuta replies honestly as they walk out of the main building. Most students stay indoors, especially given the falling temperatures as the year approaches an end. Yuta does see some small groups of people scattered across the field, though. It’s comfortable like this, him and Jaehyun far from the crowds, where no one can judge and define their relationship except for them.

Jaehyun sits down first, under a large tree that brings back so many memories for Yuta. Of course, it’s not the same tree that he and Jaehyun used to sit under, but all trees look the same to Yuta anyway. Jaehyun pats the ground beside him and Yuta privately thinks that he looks good amongst the orange and brown leaves scattered across the grass. Then again, Jaehyun always looks good.

Yuta takes a seat beside him and Jaehyun scoots closer to him, the feeling of having Jaehyun like this is so painfully familiar that Yuta wonders how he ever let Jaehyun slip between his fingers. 

Why didn’t he chase after Jaehyun when he came back from America? Why didn’t he demand an answer for his disappearance? Would things have been different if Yuta had put in a little more effort too?

What would they be now if Yuta never let Jaehyun go?

“What are you thinking about?” Jaehyun asks, leaning his head on Yuta’s shoulder and breaking him out of his thoughts. Yuta feels the warmth of Jaehyun’s head against his exposed neck and somehow, it calms him down and drives him crazy at the same time.

“I’m just thinking about how strange it is for us to be like this again,” Yuta replies carefully, gauging Jaehyun’s expression for any sign of hurt. When he doesn’t see any, he sighs in relief. “I feel really strongly about you, I just can’t identify what it is.”

“I feel strongly too,” Jaehyun says and Yuta looks at him, rosy-cheeked, and thinks about how beautiful he would look in the winter and the spring. Jaehyun in the snow, amongst the cherry blossoms, the thought sends tremors within Yuta’s heart. “You drive me crazy, you have for years.”

“Even when I hated you?” Yuta asks curiously, voice soft from the overwhelming sense of shame he gets for having treated his once best friend like that. Jaehyun smiles warmly, though, and it’s almost enough for Yuta to forget the heavy topic of their conversation.

“You’ve always meant the world to me, Yuta. You hating me was my own fault, there’s a lot of things I wish I had done differently,” Jaehyun says softly, it’s convincing enough for Yuta to know he’s telling the truth. Honesty shines in his eyes and Yuta thinks he could look into them for the rest of his life and not get bored. “Losing you was my biggest mistake.”

“I’m equally guilty,” Yuta mumbles, leaning his own head against Jaehyun’s on his shoulder. It’s an odd position, since Jaehyun is bigger than him, but everything’s comfortable with Jaehyun.

“I’ll tell you everything some day, if you wish to hear it,” Jaehyun says. “I think I’ve healed enough to talk, and you’re the only person in the world I would trust with my story.”

“I’d be honoured to be the one to hear it,” Yuta replies, a cool breeze blasting onto them. He shivers involuntarily and Jaehyun giggles at the soft jerks of his body. 

“Is it cold?” He asks, sitting up properly. He wraps his arm around Yuta’s shoulder and pulls him in closer. Yuta leans his head against Jaehyun’s chest, feeling the faint beat of his heart through his thick jacket. He’s aware of how this would look to passing people, but when with Jaehyun, he can’t bring himself to care. 

“Jaehyun,” Yuta calls out, trying to change the subject, not in the mood for another scolding from the other for not wearing the appropriate clothing for the changing seasons. “Have you thought much about your future?”

“We have to submit our university applications soon, don’t we,” Jaehyun muses, absentmindedly carding his fingers through Yuta’s hair. “Lately, I’ve been thinking about what course to take and what school to apply to.”

“Will you be leaving the state?” Yuta asks quietly.

Jaehyun shrugs. “Where are you going?”

“I’m not leaving the state,” Yuta replies softly. “I think I’ll try for NU.”

Jaehyun nods appreciatively. “I doubt I’ll leave the state either, then. I don’t want to be far from this place anymore.”

“Why not?” Yuta asks, and he’s met immediately by Jaehyun’s eyes, sparkling once again. It’s a vulnerable look, a type of look that Yuta would only ever be comfortable showing to Jaehyun, now that he’s on the receiving end, he feels butterflies at the sight. 

“Because you’re here.”

And slowly, things begin to click into place.

+

**Anonymous** _16m_

So… I think Jeong Jaehyun and Nakamoto Yuta are dating each other???

Yuta reads the confession that was posted to Johnny’s anonymous board over and over again. Johnny and Taeyong sit on either side of him, leaning in to get a closer look at the screen.

“They’re right, but I wonder what could’ve prompted a submission like this,” Taeyong muses lightheartedly. Yuta shoves him gently and is met by his friend’s exaggerated groan. 

“Yu, can I post this?” Johnny asks, finger hovering over the post to page button at the bottom of his screen. Yuta mulls over it for a beat too long.

He finds that he doesn’t really mind, reading the post strikes a deep feeling into his core and it’s, oddly enough, not disgust. A few months ago, Yuta knows he would've recoiled at the insinuation that he and Jaehyun were anything like that.

Now? Now, it’s nothing and everything at the same time. Yuta, not really seeing an issue with it anymore, shrugs and nods at his friend. “Go ahead, I’d like to see the drama it stirs up.”

Johnny presses the post button.

+

**_jjaehyun** liked **neotechanon** ’s post

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo sorry it took a while to write this i was having another episode :/  
> anyways!! please let me know what you think so far hehe + I'm sorry for being the absolute worst at replying to comments i really appreciate them i just have a hard time with responding to them haha I'm so sorry but i really love getting them


	11. Chapter 11

**Baby Jaehyun [18:13]:** i miss you 

Yuta reads the text message with a smile as he locks up the debate room with Jungwoo after their club session ends. Jungwoo looks over his shoulder in an attempt to read the text, to no avail as Yuta snatches his phone away at lightning speed.

Jungwoo pouts. “As your vice president, it’s highly recommended that you open up to me.” 

“In your dreams,” Yuta scoffs, trying to discreetly type a response to Jaehyun without Jungwoo seeing the contents of his message inbox. When it becomes clear that Jungwoo isn’t going to give up on trying to read his screen, he sighs and pockets his phone. 

Jungwoo sighs, pulling the keys out of the door to the debate room and shoving them into the pocket of his windbreaker. He’s about to walk the other direction when he suddenly turns to Yuta curiously. “By the way, I heard from Doyoung that you went to see them during their practice session?”

Yuta nods, thinking back to his last visit to the court. He scrunches up his nose at the memory.

“I take it that you’ve met Minyong then?” Jungwoo asks, he unwraps a stick of chewing gum and pops it into his mouth before offering Yuta one. He puts his hand up, shaking his head and rejecting it. 

“I have, I don’t think I like him,” Yuta says with a laugh. “Why?”

Jungwoo whistles shortly before answering Yuta. “No reason, I just worry.” He chews his gum thoughtfully, making eye contact with Yuta before speaking again. “I suggest you stay away from him, really. He doesn’t have good intentions when it relates to Jaehyun.”

Yuta frowns, curiosity peaked. “What do I have to do with Jaehyun?”

“You’re his favourite person in the world,” Jungwoo snorts, unwrapping another stick of gum. “This shit is so tasteless.”

“Buy a different brand then, you go through your packs quickly anyway,” Yuta sighs. “About Minyong, though.”

Jungwoo snaps his fingers. “That guy has tons of unfinished business with Jaehyun, they’ve been at each other’s throats on the court for years now. I’d say he’s still bitter about why they fell out, and yeah it does relate to you.”

“What happened?”

Jungwoo shrugs his shoulder, readjusting the strap of his bag that hangs from it. He smiles blankly at Yuta, reaching over and patting him on the head. “It’s not my place to say, president. If you want to know, ask Jaehyun. He’d tell you the truth, I know it.”

Then, Jungwoo is walking away with a backwards wave. He disappears down the hallway at the turn of the corner, leaving Yuta alone in front of the debate room.

His phone buzzes.

**Baby Jaehyun [18:27]:** i gave you my heart please reply :( </3

Yuta giggles to himself, standing alone in the hallway with a dumb smile spreading across his face at Jaehyun’s message. 

**Yuta [18:28]:** get back to practice :/

**Baby Jaehyun [18:29]:** SO MEAN TO ME

+

**Yuta [19:01]:** idiot

**Yuta [19:02]:** i miss you too

+

He doesn’t expect Jungwoo’s words to stick with him, but they do. His warning hangs over Yuta like a dark cloud warning of upcoming storms, it makes Yuta feel more nervous than anything.

Oddly enough, he feels threatened.

Yuta doesn’t know why it’s never sunken in before that Jaehyun’s world is so much bigger than what he’s seen so far. That Jaehyun has had six years to grow that Yuta wasn’t able to watch properly, looking at him through hate-filled glares instead of observing his growth like a normal person.

But Yuta doesn’t want to be a normal person to Jaehyun, he’s never been before and the thought of becoming ordinary to a person who has had such a large hold over him for so many years has his heart sinking.

Jaehyun’s world is huge, spanning to the other side of the world. Yuta, on the other hand, has always been stuck in this state. Jaehyun’s seen the opposite end of the earth while Yuta has never moved from his position.

It’s emptying, to think that Jaehyun’s position in Yuta’s life may be so much bigger than Yuta’s position in Jaehyun’s. He wonders when he began caring so much about something as trivial as this, but it stings to think about not mattering anymore. 

Yuta has always been important to Jaehyun, and he intends to keep it that way for the rest of both of their lives.

“Dude, stop spacing out,” Johnny says, dragging Yuta out of his headspace. Yuta blinks and reenters reality, seeing Taeyong leaning in and waving his hand in his face. That’s right, he was having lunch before his thoughts caught him. Johnny sits beside Yuta, his laptop open in front of him. “I just saw something.” He gestures to the screen displaying one of the posts on the confession board.

“What is it?” Taeyong asks, standing from his seat and walking over. He leans over Johnny’s shoulder to peer at his screen and Yuta privately thinks that they look good together. He wonders if Johnny will ever think the same; if he’ll ever see Yuta’s best friend like that.

“Jaehyun liked the post about him and Yuta being in love,” Johnny says, shifting the screen towards Yuta. 

**_jjaehyun** liked **neotechanon** ’s post

Yuta blinks at the screen, wondering how this happened. It’s possible that Jaehyun’s finger slipped and accidentally liked it without realising. Then again, Yuta didn’t even know Jaehyun keeps up with Johnny’s confession page. Then again, almost everyone in the school keeps up with it, his page being the hotspot for insults towards the faculty (courtesy of Oh Sehun) and gossip on the student body. 

He just never expected Jaehyun to be interested in that sort of thing. Hell, Yuta himself wouldn’t be interested in it if his friend wasn’t the admin of the page.

Still, reading the notification from Jaehyun has butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Though he wouldn’t be able to admit it out loud, Yuta knows that it’s the effect of something big stirring within him, something that despite years and thousands of miles between them, has never faded away. He’s lightheaded at the thought, wondering what exactly it is about Jeong Jaehyun that allows him to invade every corner of Yuta’s mind.

“You know,” Johnny muses, his words escaping his lips like a soft hum. Both Taeyong and Yuta eye him, waiting for whatever truth bomb he has prepared. “I talked to Doyoung the other day.”

Taeyong’s expression falls and it takes everything in Yuta to not make his concern evident, lest Johnny find out. His best friend’s shoulders slack and Yuta restrains himself from reaching out and patting him on the end, rubbing his back in slow, comforting circles.

“Are you sure you two aren’t dating again?” Yuta accuses lightheartedly, examining Taeyong for any sort of reaction. Taeyong sends him a sharp glare as Johnny shakes his head.

“He doesn’t like me like that anymore,” Johnny sighs. “And you’re not one to talk, are you? You’re literally in a friends-to-enemies-to-lovers simulation.”

“I’m not,” Yuta says, frowning. “What did Kim Doyoung say?”

Johnny chuckles, ruffling Yuta’s hair with the arm that Taeyong doesn’t occupy. “You know you don’t have to address him with his full name all the time right? And that Doyoung isn’t even his actual name?”

“He said it’d be better if you avoided the other team’s captain. Jaehyun’s not happy about him meeting you.” Johnny pulls his hand away from Yuta’s head and sets it down on the table. “To put it simply, Jaehyun hates him and he loves you. I don’t think he wants you two to mix.”

“It’s making me more curious, to be honest,” Yuta admits, dragging his index finger over the surface of the table. “Jungwoo said the same thing, there’s definitely something I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing things about Jaehyun.”

“Obsession,” Taeyong snickers. Yuta rolls his eyes, sticking out his tongue at his best friend. “Baekhyun’s garage band has a song named that too, you should give it a listen.”

Johnny frowns. “What does Baekhyun have to do with this?”

Yuta has a different question. “Why does Baekhyun have a garage band?”

“You don’t know about it?” Johnny says, switching tabs and scrolling on his mouse to reach Baekhyun’s recent post on Instagram. He shows the screen to Yuta, who scrunches up his nose. “There’s like three of them, I think they’re called CBX. Their music is pretty good.”

“They play every weekend at Baekhyun’s parties,” Taeyong says dreamily, starting to space out while perched on Johnny’s shoulder. “Yu, I have to sneak you out to one someday.”

Yuta sighs, nodding. “Let’s go once I break free from my shit household.”

“I’ll break you out,” Johnny says nonchalantly. “I can even kill your parents, then you can live with me,” Johnny speaks like he’s talking about the weather and not currently planning the murder of his friend’s parents. It’s oddly humorous to Yuta, in a rather morbid way.

Yuta’s eyes light up, not at the suggestion but at the reminder that he has an answer to give Johnny this time. “I can go Christmas shopping with you guys, by the way.”

Taeyong grins, eyes sparkling. “Thank god, I thought we’d have to break into your house and steal you.” He peels himself off Johnny’s shoulder and walks towards Yuta, sitting on the bench on the other side of him.

“How are you getting out?” Johnny asks curiously, closing his laptop and giving his full attention to the conversation. Thinking of it, Yuta feels his cheeks heat up and wonders if his friends notice the shift in his mood.

Evidently, they do, because Taeyong leans over and ribs him playfully, a shit-eating grin on his face. “I know that look, what strings did Jeong Jaehyun pull this time?”

“He’s on good terms with my mother, he can get me out,” Yuta replies, pursing his lips in embarrassment. Though there isn’t anything negative about his and Jaehyun’s relationship anymore, Yuta still finds it miffing to admit that Jaehyun’s okay after all to the friends he’s spent years trashing Jaehyun to. “I really want to go with you guys, so I’ll have to get Jaehyun’s help.”

A hand clamps down on Yuta’s shoulder and judging by the way Taeyong and Johnny’s eyes flick upwards, someone is standing behind Yuta now. “Get my help for what?”

Yuta turns in his seat with a gummy smile at the familiar voice and finds himself looking up at Jaehyun. “Speak of the Devil, were you eavesdropping? You know that’s creepy, right?”

Jaehyun sends him a fond look and moves his hand up from Yuta’s shoulder to his cheek, cupping it lightly. He takes Yuta’s cheek between his index and middle finger, pulling the skin slightly. “I was going to say hi, but I overheard you talking about me behind my back instead. I’m hurt, Yuta.” 

Yuta narrows his eyes at Jaehyun’s mock pout, reaching up to his own face and pulling Jaehyun’s hand off his cheek. Jaehyun adapts quickly, interlocking their fingers and bending down to meet Yuta’s eye at an easier level. It gives Yuta a good view of the dark circles that have begun forming under his tired eyes. They’re prominent, given Jaehyun’s heavy under-eye bags, and they fill Yuta’s heart with unease.

“You look half-alive, at best,” Johnny comments, reminding Yuta of their presence at the table. He turns to his friend and sees Johnny casually leaning on the bench with his back pressed to the table, legs crossed. He points a pencil at Jaehyun. “You should take better care of yourself, or Yuta will worry.”

Jaehyun grins, smile lines masking his dark circles. “His concern for me is heartwarming and very cute.” His hand feels heavy in Yuta’s, comforting, Jaehyun slowly rubs his thumb against the back of Yuta’s hand. “Can I sit next to you in class?” He asks. “I miss you.”

His voice comes out soft, a whisper that no one else is meant to hear. If either one of Yuta’s friends heard him, they do a good job at pretending they didn’t, backs turned to Jaehyun and Yuta. 

Johnny, however, isn’t able to pretend for long. He turns back around and throws his arm around Yuta’s shoulder, shocking both him and Jaehyun. “Actually, Jaehyun, Yuta agreed to sit with me.” Taeyong turns back around too, grinning and clicking his tongue to the roof of his mouth. 

Jaehyun’s expression falls flat, almost unreadable. Yuta’s always been an expert at reading Jaehyun’s neutrality, however, and he picks off the darkness clouding Jaehyun’s eyes almost instantly. Yuta doesn’t understand what his friends get out of taunting Jaehyun, especially since he doesn’t even remember agreeing to sit with Johnny. 

“Yong, didn’t you say you wanted to sit with Johnny?” Yuta asks, teasing as he watches Taeyong’s ears redden, his crush on Johnny obvious as it takes over his expression. Johnny, however, doesn’t seem to read the signs because all he does is raise an eyebrow at Taeyong’s obviously flustered state. 

He didn’t say it, but Yuta thinks Taeyong would appreciate the favour anyway.

“Did you say that?” Johnny asks, reaching over Yuta’s back and tapping Taeyong on the nose with his index finger. Taeyong visibly reddens further. “Well, I won’t deny you of that. Jeong Jaehyun, you've won this time. I’ll let you whisk our dearest Yuta away while I take care of Taeyong.”

Jaehyun beams happily, and it strikes Yuta again how similar he looks to himself ten years ago when he smiles. It eases his face of tension and exhaustion, and makes him look younger. Yuta is transported back to the distant past when he used to hold Jaehyun’s face between his hands.

No one has ever been more precious to Yuta; no one has ever broken Yuta to pieces the same way Jaehyun did.

No one has ever taken the place in Yuta’s heart that Jaehyun left behind all those years ago. He feels his chest squeeze at the sight of Jaehyun kneeling on the dirty floor of the cafeteria, the warmth of his hand in Yuta’s. It’s dizzying, and with the clench of his chest that accompanies his sudden rush of emotions, Yuta can feel Jaehyun squirming his way back into his heart. Back into the spot that Yuta’s left vacant all these years, waiting for the only person that could ever be worthy of taking it.

Yuta doesn’t know what a bleeding heart feels like, but he assumes it feels something like this.

“Hey, Yuta?” Taeyong calls out, his voice sounds so distant that it’s a miracle that Yuta’s able to make the words out, or even identify that it’s Taeyong behind them. It’s not enough though, because Yuta’s vision blurs out, staring at some trash cans over Jaehyun’s head and a long distance away from his friends.

“Yuta.” Jaehyun’s voice is sharp and it cuts through Yuta’s clouded mind like a knife, freeing him from the many thoughts that run through his brain. His vision refocuses and he finds Jaehyun, still in front of him, but leaning closer than before. He gently touches his forehead to Yuta’s, the same way he did in the court. “Are you okay?”

Yuta’s always had a bit of a problem with focusing, a tendency to space out and have his environment blur around him. It’s something like a defence mechanism, developed in his youth to distract from everything that made him miserable, from everything that hurt. 

Of course, as with all things in this world, Jaehyun is Yuta’s exception. Jaehyun is the only person he can hear and see in those moments. Now, he eyes the concern in Jaehyun’s expression, his face far too close for comfort.

“Are you sick?” Jaehyun asks, his worry obvious. Yuta takes a while to process what’s being said to him, but when he does, he shakes his head. “There’s still twenty minutes to our next class, do you want to take a walk outside? It might help clear your head.”

Yuta turns to look at his friends, still sitting around him and watching him with furrowed brows. Taeyong clears his throat. “Go with Jaehyun, Yuta. Johnny and I will be here if you need us.”

Yuta nods, standing slowly from his seat. Jaehyun removes his hand from Yuta’s, offering his other to him. Yuta takes it a little too eagerly, feeling the familiar warmth in both his palm and his stomach. Jaehyun smiles at him, barely enough for his dimples to pop up, and for the briefest moment, Yuta thinks that Jaehyun really is the most beautiful person he’s ever known. 

He and Jaehyun walk to the main exit of the school building quietly, their only form of communication being Jaehyun’s thumb softly rubbing patterns on the back of Yuta’s hand. Jaehyun stops them both when they reach the door, using his hold on Yuta’s hand to turn him so they face each other.

He takes his hand from Yuta’s again and Yuta immediately misses the feeling. Jaehyun reaches forward and adjusts Yuta’s jacket, zipping it up for him. 

“Don’t want you to get sick,” he mumbles, zipping up his own as his ears burn red. He averts his gaze from Yuta. 

“I can take care of myself,” Yuta replies quietly, not quite meaning his words. He finds the affection and care from Jaehyun quite flattering, after all. “I’m not a baby.”

Jaehyun’s lip tilts upwards slightly. “Age-wise, maybe. But you will always be someone I want to take care of.” He pats down the front of Yuta’s jacket again, eyes sparkling with sincerity. “Because you’re special to me.”

Without giving Yuta a chance to respond, not that Yuta would be able to reply to something like that, Jaehyun throws open the door of the school. The wind that strikes them is instant, it’s not cold enough to be unpleasant, yet Yuta still shivers slightly. Yuta has never dealt with the cold well, and Jaehyun is well-aware of this. He throws his arm around Yuta’s shoulder and brings him close, holding him and providing Yuta with some of his own body heat. 

“Mid-November is oddly cold this year,” Jaehyun comments, his breath coming out in a small puff of smoke. “But it does wake you up a little, doesn’t it?”

Yuta nods. “It is really cold, considering global warming.”

Jaehyun turns his head towards him slightly and Yuta catches the flash of a grin from the corner of his eye. “Still thinking about that even in single-digit temperatures? You really amaze me, Nakamoto Yuta.”

Yuta scrunches up his nose, feeling another gust of wind blow against them. He catches Jaehyun staring at him when he steals a glance.

“I haven’t seen my father in a while,” Yuta blurts out, unable to stop himself from spilling his thoughts to Jaehyun. He leans against the railing, looking Yuta up and down and expecting elaboration. His raised eyebrow has Yuta’s knees turning to jelly under him, nervous as he takes a deep breath. “It’s weird, I’m used to him disappearing but it’s been over a month. My mother hasn’t said anything either.”

He cards his fingers through his hair and finds that it’s warmer than leaving his hand suspended in the cold air.

“Is that a good thing?” Jaehyun asks softly, his free hand tucked into the pocket of his jacket and his face blushing pink in the cold. Yuta’s heart aches in his chest, for a reason that he’s too scared to even think of identifying, as he stops himself from reaching out and cradling Jaehyun between his cold hands.

“It doesn’t feel any different,” Yuta says, already used to his father disappearing, to the point where his presence is more of a shock than his absence. His father isn’t a man of words, never has been, but Yuta has always been able to feel his expectations, his disappointments.

In a way, he’s scarier than his mother.

“You’re the only absence I’ve ever felt,” Yuta admits, watching his words escape his lips in a warm puff, disappearing in the cold and rivalling the clouds in the blue sky ahead. He can’t find it in him to face Jaehyun, his face ablaze from his own words. 

Beside him, Jaehyun’s stopped moving, his breath audibly hitching. Before Yuta can even register what’s happening, Jaehyun takes his arm off and moves in front of Yuta. His friend gently touches two of his fingers to Yuta’s cheek, looking at him with something akin to fondness. Yuta’s heart speeds.

“Yuta,” Jaehyun mumbles, his words warm against Yuta’s cheek. “What am I to you?”

Yuta glances up at the sky before looking back down to Jaehyun, wondering if the other would willingly walk to the end of the world for Yuta. When he looks back down and meets Jaehyun's intense gaze, he finds it doesn’t matter if Jaehyun would be willing to.

Because, Yuta thinks, he would do it for Jaehyun.

“My soulmate,” Yuta answers honestly, knowing his eyes shine as he looks at Jaehyun. “The most important person in my life, as you’ve always been.”

+

_ “Yuta, you’ll stay with me forever, right?” _

_ Yuta eyes him curiously, lying down on the grass as the sun beats down on them. July’s warmth is unbearable, but it’s also pleasant in a twisted way. “Why would you ask the obvious? Do our friendship bracelets mean nothing to you?” _

_ Jaehyun laughs, a smile graces his features and at the time, Yuta doesn’t realise that it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just answer the question.” _

_ “Yes, Jae,” Yuta replies, exasperated. “I’ll stay with you forever.” _

_ When Jaehyun disappears without so much as a word, Yuta can only think about how stupid he was. How stupid he was to not notice that Jaehyun never promised him the same. _

+

When Yuta wakes up, his neck hurts. He sits up from his position immediately and finds himself in a dark classroom. His head spins and his heart drops with every second of the memory that comes back to him.

Yuta thought he was over it, but the nausea that bubbles deep in his stomach is an indication that he’s still as hurt as he was the first day, and every day after that.

The only source of light comes from right next to him, Jaehyun types on his phone, his screen lighting up the room. Yuta’s heart drops further, aching as he looks at his friend sitting beside him and he lets out a strangled sob, unable to stop himself. This makes Jaehyun aware of his waking, because he turns off his phone and raises his eyebrow at Yuta. “You okay? You fell asleep during world history and the sub just let you sleep right through it.”

“Where is everyone?” Yuta asks, voice shaking. If Jaehyun notices, he doesn’t point it out, nor does he make any indication that he’s noticed it at all. Yuta knows he has, knows that nothing he does ever falls under Jaehyun’s radar.

“Everyone’s gone to their next class, I didn’t want to leave you alone, so I stayed,” Jaehyun replies casually. “Besides, my next class is a sleeper.”

Yuta curses. “I should be in biology.” He tries to stand from his seat, gathering his books on the table, when a large hand lands on his shoulder and sends him falling back down on the chair. “What the hell, Jae?”

“Jae?” Jaehyun repeats, voice soft, and Yuta realises his slip-up immediately. He thinks back to his dream and remembers that nickname leaving his lips in his headspace. He finds Jaehyun looking fondly upon him, a tender smile playing on his friend’s lips. “You haven’t called me that in years.”

Yuta is stunned speechless for longer than he would like to admit, listening to memories seeping into Jaehyun’s adoring tone. He realises, then, that Jaehyun will always be a part of him. 

“The last time I called you that, you disappeared on me,” Yuta says, trying to not sound snarky as he watches a wounded expression flash across Jaehyun’s features. Even in worry, Jaehyun is as beautiful to Yuta as every flower in the world. “I can only hope you won’t do the same again.”

“Are you upset?” Jaehyun asks, his hand resting on Yuta’s shoulder, tracing patterns that Yuta can feel even through his layers of clothes. It’s electrifying, as is everything else about Jaehyun. Yuta leans into the touch. “I’m really sorry, I don’t know how to make it up to you.”

Yuta releases a breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding, his hands shaking as he intertwines them together. There is something so hauntingly  _ relieving  _ about speaking about it, after all this time, and Yuta isn’t even surprised by the tears that form in his eyes. In the dark of an empty classroom, seated beside the one person Yuta knows, deep in his heart, he’s always wanted back. 

He isn’t ready to let go of everything that’s happened between them yet, but it’s a start. It’s a start when he sees the panic flashing in Jeong Jaehyun’s eyes, upon realising that Yuta is crying. It’s a start when Jaehyun pulls him close, his head landing on Jaehyun’s chest, hearing the hastened beating of his heart even through his shirt. It’s a start when he feels himself and Jaehyun, slipping back into their old ways as if they’ve never been apart.

Jaehyun is home, he’s always been Yuta’s home. Leaning on his chest and choking back sobs, Yuta thinks that he’s finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel again; the tunnel that leads to home.

He debates on asking Jaehyun to promise him the same thing Yuta had promised all those years ago, that he wouldn’t leave Yuta again. He ultimately decides against it, though, because he doesn’t want to pressure Jaehyun into staying, and because he somewhat knows leaving was never Jaehyun’s choice. 

He grips the material of Jaehyun’s shirt, burrowing his face deeper into his chest. “Promise me, you’ll never forget me.”

He hears a soft laugh from Jaehyun, definitely not what he was expecting to hear, but he can barely bring himself to care as he feels Jaehyun’s arms wrap around him. Jaehyun touches his nose to Yuta’s head, resting against Yuta’s hair, he lets out another soft chuckle.

“I couldn’t, even if I tried.”

+

“Not saying that I’ve ever tried to forget you, though,” Jaehyun adds later, when most of the tension has left them. His fingers comb through Yuta’s hair, warm against his scalp. “Even when it hurt most, I never wanted to forget you.”

“Why is that?” A part of Yuta already knows the answer, but he wants to hear it from Jaehyun. Somehow, it feels more real when verbalised.

Jaehyun laughs again, that short chuckle that makes him sound stupid to Yuta. He readjusts his arms and pulls Yuta closer to him by the waist, and Yuta thinks that even lying on top of Taeyong on his bed has never felt so intimate.

“Because the memory of you helped me to remember everything else.”

+

“The first snow is due to fall tomorrow,” Taeyong says over a video call. He lies on top of Johnny in the latter’s room, holding the phone above his face and filming himself and Johnny’s back. “Jyan and I are going to see the snowfall together, do you want to come?”

Yuta hums, pausing his hand that drags his pencil across paper. While Taeyong and Johnny are over at Johnny’s place, playing around, Yuta finds himself glued to his study desk in his room, trying to juggle chemical balancing equations and talking to his best friends over the phone. He taps the end of the pencil to his lip. “I need to finish this chapter by Monday, I’m not sure I should go out. Besides, I can see it from my room.”

Taeyong sighs, visibly disappointed even through the blur of the screen. Yuta’s heart aches at the sight, wondering why it can’t all be simpler and why he can’t behave like the eighteen-year-old that he is. “I’m sorry, Yong.”

“No, don’t apologise,” Taeyong says frantically, Johnny yelps beneath him. “Shit, sorry Johnny.”

Yuta raises his eyebrow, looking to the screen and wondering if they can catch it through the fuzziness. “What did you do?”

“Elbowed my neck,” Johnny groans, his hand moving to his nape, rubbing it and pouting. “I agree with Yong, though. You shouldn’t have to apologise for something like this, your studies come first.”

Yuta agrees that his grades are important, but bitterly, he thinks that the distance between his schoolwork and his friends shouldn’t be so large. Bitterly, Yuta imagines a version of himself where he isn’t weighed down by the crushing pressure to succeed, a version of himself that is allowed to make mistakes and mess up as much as he should’ve been allowed to. 

“I’m still sorry,” Yuta says sincerely, tapping his pencil rhythmically on the table. “I would love to, you know that.”

“We know, Yuyu,” Johnny says softly. “You’re okay with us going without you, though? We won’t go if you’re not okay with it, we don’t want to leave you out.”

Yuta’s heart swells, his touched and guilty heart, as he listens to his friends trying so hard to include him. Why can’t Yuta put in that same amount of effort for them? Why can’t he make them a priority too?

“Go on without me,” Yuta says, waving a hand flippantly and knowing that on the other end, his motion is probably stuttered by the poor connection of Johnny’s bedroom. He smiles deviously at the camera. “Why don’t you make it a date?”

Taeyong jumps and Johnny yelps again. “Taeyong!” He whines, clutching his chest from where Yuta assumes Taeyong hit against him again. Yuta hides his laugh behind a fake cough into his fist, smiling brightly at the screen. “Yu, if Taeyong breaks my ribs and kills me, you’ll call the police, right?” He pouts, sending puppy eyes through the screen. Yuta cringes.

“No,” Yuta replies simply. “I’d hang up.”

“Yuta!” Johnny whines, Taeyong pinches him lightly and Johnny unleashes yet another exaggerated cry. This time, however, it’s laced with stifled laughter, a fond smile playing on his lips as he looks at Taeyong. Yuta’s heart burns at the sight, jealousy.

Though, he thinks to himself, amused, he can’t tell what it is he’s jealous of. He definitely doesn’t feel that way about either of his best friends, having  _ shipped  _ them with each other for years. He doesn’t fear the thought of becoming a third wheel either, knowing that Johnny and Taeyong would never do that to him. 

Besides, he has Jaehyun now. 

And at that moment, it feels like a bucket of ice-cold water was poured over his head at the thought. Freezing, because Yuta realises exactly what it is that he wants.

Yuta checks the notification that appears at the top of his screen, over Johnny and Taeyong’s heads. The screen blurs as he reads words so simple that his heart fluttering at the message is quite pathetic.

**Baby Jaehyun [21:33]:** call me

**Baby Jaehyun [21:33]:** wanna talk to u

“And why are you blushing at the screen?” Taeyong asks mischievously, leaning in and reminding Yuta that he’s still on call with them. “Staring at my gorgeous face, did you suddenly fall in love with me?”

Yuta flattens his expression. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“We should end the call now,” Johnny suggests, grinning. “So you can call your boyfriend instead.”

“Jaehyun is not my boyfriend,” Yuta insists, watching the smiles on his friends’ faces grow at his words and realising his mistake.

“Never said it was him,” Johnny laughs, reaching for the end call button and hanging up, leaving Yuta with only a view of him and Taeyong, frozen on the screen with matching Cheshire Cat smiles. Yuta will get back at them another day, but for now, he quickly swipes down on his notification screen and clicks on Jaehyun’s chat bar.

**Yuta [21:40]:** still free?

**Baby Jaehyun [21:40]:** for you? always <3

Yuta presses the phone icon at the top of the screen and presses the device to his head, listening to the soft dialling of numbers. He doesn’t get to hear the rings for long, though, because Jaehyun picks up after the first. 

“That was fast,” Yuta remarks, hearing Jaehyun chuckle softly on the other end in response.

“I was waiting,” Jaehyun breathes out in response, laughter at the tip of his tongue as he speaks. “You have such a pretty voice, you know. I could talk to you forever.”

“How was practice today?” Yuta asks, flipping the page of his book and moving onto the next one with his free hand. The other holds tightly onto his phone, waiting for Jaehyun’s reply.

“Would’ve been better if you were here.” Yuta can hear the pout in his voice and has to refrain from laughing. “I missed you.”

“I did too,” Yuta replies, surprised by his own sincerity. Jaehyun hums softly and Yuta privately wonders if it’s a song or if it’s just a random tune he made up on the spot. “What are you doing now?”

“Catching up on some work,” Jaehyun replies, sounding rather bored, his tone falling flat out of nowhere. “I haven’t had much time to do that recently, I think I might be holed up the whole weekend doing this chemistry assignment. It’s a shame, I wanted to go out to see the first snow.”

“I’m doing chemistry too,” Yuta replies, tapping his pencil on the table as he reads the question on the page. It’s a simple balancing question, as all the previous questions have been, and Yuta fills in his answer easily. “Johnny and Taeyong invited me to see the snow with them, but I had to reject them because of this stupid assignment.”

“Are you doing assignment 32B as well?” Jaehyun asks and Yuta immediately flips to the first page of the stack to check. He nods, before realising Jaehyun can’t see him.

“Yeah, I’m halfway through.”

“I’ll come over to your place tomorrow,” Jaehyun declares, seemingly not giving Yuta a say regarding it. Yuta’s stomach churns at the realisation that he doesn’t mind. “We can go over it together.”

Yuta swallows nervously. It’s tempting, and Yuta is shocked by how much he wants it. “I should ask my mother first. Sorry, Jaehyun.”

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun replies, silence falls between them as Yuta erases his last answer, having noticed an error in his calculation. “Aren’t you going to ask?” Jaehyun’s voice comes out of nowhere, expectant, and it startled Yuta.

“Now?” Yuta asks, bewildered. He can hear Jaehyun’s hair shifting and he assumes his friend is nodding. “Alright, just stay here.”

“I’m not going anywhere, you know that,” Jaehyun says softly, casual words with a far more desperate undertone. Yuta’s breath catches in his throat as he picks the subtle message up with ease. 

He leaves his phone on the table without saying anything else, hoping Jaehyun would just assume he had left the phone long before that. Yuta hopes that Jaehyun’s words would disappear in a small puff of smoke, like his breath in the cold air, or like Jaehyun all those years ago.

Yuta ignores the part of him that wishes he could hear Jaehyun say it again, and again, and a million more times.

He tiptoes down the stairs and finds his mother lounging on one of the loveseats that face the television. Yuta has wondered several times why they even own it, considering it’s never turned on and his mother isn’t particularly fond of any programmes. It’s as new as the day they had gotten it, Yuta could count on his fingers how many times he’s seen anything playing on the screen.

“Yuta,” His mother calls out, not giving him a chance to call for her first. She doesn’t look up from the hardcover book in her hands, and Yuta is left with his heart beating in his throat, gripping onto the staircase railing tightly. “Shouldn’t you be studying?”

“I am,” Yuta replies stiffly, making his way down the rest of the steps and walking into her field of view properly. “I just wanted to ask you about something.”

She places her book flat down on the table, pages splayed out. Yuta thinks that the spine behind the hardcover must be terribly bent. She looks up at him and it feels too close to a bucket of icy water being poured over his head. 

Yuta, with terror, once again sees himself in his mother. The same large eyes, the same nose, the same lower lip, so many characteristics that greet Yuta in the mirror every morning. 

“What is it?” 

Yuta swallows the lump of spit that forms in the back of his throat, trying desperately to clear it so he can speak. He licks his lips anxiously. “Jaehyun wants to come over tomorrow so we can work on our chemistry assignment together.” He studies her expression and finds none, nothing but apathy showing on her face. “Is that alright?”

His mother ponders it for a beat too long and dread pools in Yuta’s stomach. To his surprise, she nods her head. “That’s fine, I will be out tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Yuta replies softly, nodding his head in a makeshift bow. “Thank you.”

Yuta begins heading back to his room and he’s a quarter-way up the stairs when suddenly he stops, turning to face his mother. It doesn’t feel like him at all, but Yuta feels compelled to ask. “Where is my father?” 

His mother’s shoulders tense and for a moment that stretches too long, she looks like she doesn’t have an answer for him for the first time. Yuta shakes his head. “Never mind, forget I asked.”

His mother, however, doesn’t let him get away with it. Of course, she wouldn’t, because if Yuta leaves the room now, the question will continue to hang over their heads. “You don’t have to worry about it,” she says, sounding unusually unsure. She’s human, after all, Yuta thinks. “He will come around soon.”

Yuta, privately, thinks that it sounds more like she was trying to convince herself than give her son an answer. 

Upstairs, Yuta picks up his phone from his desk. After checking to see if Jaehyun is still on call, he presses it to his ear. “Jaehyun?” His voice is quiet, cracking a little as he speaks. He pushes on the volume button to increase it, wondering why Jaehyun hasn’t replied.

He hears soft snores on the other end and laughs incredulously to himself, realising what had happened while he was downstairs. “You’ve been tired lately, haven't you?” He muses, not waiting for a response that won’t come. “Good night, Jaehyun. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

+

When Yuta opens the front door, he finds Jaehyun with a large scarf wrapped around his neck and a sweatshirt that doesn’t cover the collar of his normal shirt beneath it. He smiles at Yuta, dimples deep and cheeks red from the weather he had walked in. “Good morning.”

Jaehyun carries his chemistry booklet in one hand, the other is stuffed into the pocket of his jeans. He looks so relaxed, so casual, and Yuta wonders if he’d look the same even years from now. He nods, opening the door wider to give Jaehyun access. “Come in, you can leave your scarf on the coat rack.”

Once inside, Jaehyun toes off his shoes and leaves them neatly to the side of the depression in the floor. He tugs on his scarf and Yuta watches as it unravels, falling off his shoulders. He tosses it over a branch of the empty coat rack and offers Yuta a smile that sends a firework-like feeling, crackling in his heart.

“The temperature is really starting to dip these days,” Jaehyun comments as Yuta takes the chemistry booklet from his hands. He rubs his now-free palms together, raising them to his lips and blowing. “Be careful out there, don’t fall sick.”

They make their way up the stairs, Jaehyun’s hand having sneakily made its way to Yuta’s lower back. It feels like lightning, electricity coursing through the lower half of Yuta’s back. 

Yuta likes the feeling, a little too much, a little more than he should. Jaehyun doesn’t remove his hand until they reach Yuta’s room, and once he does, Yuta feels numb.

Jaehyun dives onto Yuta’s bed, flopping down on his comforter and rolling around. The sight of it all is oddly perfect, Jaehyun between Yuta’s blanket sheets, looking like he’s always belonged there. “Your bed is so comfortable,” he mumbles, voice muffled by the sheets gathered around his mouth and nose. Jaehyun inhales deeply.

“Are you sniffing my bedsheets?” Yuta accuses lightheartedly, moving closer to Jaehyun. His friend looks up at him and before Yuta can register anything, Jaehyun grabs him by the wrist, pulling him down onto the bed.

Yuta falls beside Jaehyun, face smashing into the sheets. Jaehyun’s arm wraps around him, bringing Yuta closer. “I’m so sleepy,” he mumbles, both eyes shut, he looks ageless. Yuta, pressed up against him, hopes Jaehyun’s head doesn’t make its way to his chest, where he’s well aware his heart pounds at a speed he didn’t even know it was capable of.

“Jaehyun, we have to work,” he mumbles, trying to get up. Jaehyun weighs him down and Yuta is forced to give it up. “You’re really tired, aren’t you?”

Jaehyun hums softly in response, voice muffled by the fabric that Yuta tries to gather between their faces, creating a barrier of sorts. “I’m so tired,” he groans softly, sleepiness lacing his voice. “All I want is to see you.”

“I’m here, Jae,” Yuta whispers and he sees Jaehyun’s cheeks pull, he smiles against Yuta’s comforter, eyes still shut. They stay like that for a while, Yuta’s rapid heartbeat falling into a steady pace as he listens to the way the bedsheets ruffle with every small shift Jaehyun makes. “But, our chemistry homework?”

Jaehyun laughs. “I think I prefer the chemistry between us, what about you?”

“I think you're corny,” Yuta snorts, struggling to hide the smile that threatens to bloom on his face. “Come on, Jae. Let’s get this shit done.” He reaches for Jaehyun’s hand, and finds Jaehyun curling his fingers between his. He looks at Yuta with damp eyes and a soft smile.

“You know I love you, right?”

Yuta laughs, flicking his forehead with his free hand. He pulls Jaehyun off the bed with ease. “Sleep after this, okay? You’re talking gibberish.”

Jaehyun frowns, rubbing his forehead. “I mean it. I love you.”

Yuta blushes, the impact of Jaehyun’s words strong. He thinks about it for a moment as he opens his chemistry booklet on his desk, about his heart rate spiking and his entire body being lit on fire even on such a cold day. It makes sense, his reasoning, and Yuta thinks that maybe it’s because even after all these years, he’s never stopped looking for Jaehyun’s approval.

Jaehyun, for the rest of their study session, seems oddly quiet. He fiddles with the corners of Yuta’s table, barely making eye contact when Yuta speaks. Yuta wonders what could’ve brought on the sudden change in his personality, but eventually stops thinking about it as he focuses his full attention on the balancing equations on the page before him.

+

They finish their assignment in the early afternoon, Jaehyun flopped face down on Yuta’s bed again as he cleans up the study desk, stacking the now-empty glass cups that once held water in them and preparing to clear them. As he turns to Jaehyun, he briefly considers his options. They’re done studying, so he could either send Jaehyun home and spend the rest of the day revising physics topics, or he could invite Jaehyun to stay for lunch.

“You know, I thought that assignment would take much longer,” Yuta comments, sweeping eraser dust off his table and into his cupped palm. “I suppose doing it with you made it easier.”

Jaehyun looks up, raising his head from the bed. His cheeks are flushed a pretty shade of pink, he licks his lip as he makes eye contact with Yuta for the first time since they started their worksheet. “I thought it would take longer too, I guess we just work well together.”

“Maybe I’ll still have time to see the snowfall with Johnny and Taeyong,” Yuta muses, looking out the window. The sky is overcast outside, he turns back and finds Jaehyun staring at him intensely. “What?”

“Stay with me,” Jaehyun says softly, he stands from the bed and slowly makes his way over to Yuta. Yuta finds himself enveloped in a hug, warm and comforting. Jaehyun feels like a comfortable spot beside the fireplace in the middle of winter, blazing hot in a cold room. Yuta hugs back, clinging desperately onto the back of Jaehyun’s shirt and buries his face into his friend’s shoulder. “Just for today.”

“Okay,” Yuta mumbles, voice muffled by the threads of Jaehyun’s shirt.  _ Just for today,  _ Yuta thinks, knowing well that he would happily spend every day with Jaehyun if he just asked. 

When Jaehyun lets him go, Yuta feels hollow until he looks to meet the serenely pleasant smile on Jaehyun’s face. An odd feeling fills his heart, knowing that Jaehyun is smiling at him like that, a smile that somehow, Yuta knows others don’t get to see.

Movement outside Yuta’s window catches his attention and he turns to look outside, watching as small white objects fall from above. His eyes widen and he slowly makes his way to the window, peering out of it and ignoring Jaehyun’s hum of curiosity as he approaches Yuta from behind.

Jaehyun makes a soft noise of appreciation as he watches the snow behind the window. “I thought it would come later in the day.”

“I did too,” Yuta says, eyes wide. “Do you want to go outside?”

Jaehyun nods, his eyes shining. Yuta walks over to his closet and opens the doors, scanning the sweaters that hang from hangers. He makes a note to himself to buy warmer clothes when he’s out with Johnny and Taeyong the following week. The snow is an indication that the seasons are about to change. He pulls Jaehyun’s panda sweater out.

Jaehyun’s lips part when he notices the sweater, he licks his lower lip. “You really like it, don’t you?”

Yuta grits his teeth and reaches up to Jaehyun’s face, he taps on his friend’s wet lips with his middle finger. “I told you to stop licking them, you’ll get rashes.”

At his touch, Jaehyun almost flinches as if Yuta’s fingers carried fire and scorched him. Yuta watches his reaction curiously as Jaehyun’s ears burn a violent shade of red. “Are you okay?”

Jaehyun nods too quickly for Yuta’s comfort, still looking rather out of it. “Let’s go.” He offers his hand to Yuta, who takes it with a smile. It’s warm, engulfing Yuta’s hand in heat and comfort. Yuta doesn’t ever want to let go.

Once downstairs, Jaehyun grabs his scarf off the coat rack and wraps it around his neck with one hand, his other still holding on tightly to Yuta’s. He struggles, and Yuta watches him in amusement. “Jae, it’ll be easier with two hands.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, tying his scarf messily. “Don’t wanna let go of you.” Yuta laughs to himself and pulls his own hand away, Jaehyun pouts at him until Yuta reaches over and readjusts his scarf for him, fixing it neatly. Jaehyun’s cheeks dust pink when Yuta takes his hand again. 

“There,” Yuta says, dusting him off with his free hand, feeling rather proud of his work. He reaches to open the front door.

The door opens and they’re immediately greeted by almost-freezing temperatures. Jaehyun laughs childishly, taking the first step out of the house and pulling Yuta with him. 

“Shit, it’s cold,” Jaehyun says gleefully, sticking his hand out and watching as snow falls slowly onto his palm. He fits right in with the scene, the green below their feet lightly dusted with white snow and more falling from the sky, landing on Jaehyun’s dark hair. “So, so beautiful.”

_ Yeah,  _ Yuta thinks breathlessly, watching Jaehyun lose years of stress before his eyes as he watches the snowfall in wide-eyed awe.  _ Jaehyun is beautiful.  _ For the briefest moment, Yuta forgets all the complexities of their relationship, sending himself back in time to so many years ago when everything was simple and Yuta was younger, stupider, and a little bit in love with Jaehyun.

Something drops in Yuta’s chest at the thought, the memory, he realises then, that he’s been repressing for years. That once in their youth, Yuta had been absolutely in love with Jaehyun, and that’s why the sudden abandonment had hurt incomparably.

It’s cold, Yuta thinks, watching Jaehyun eye the snow he catches in his palm like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. Frostbite tears through his chest as he watches the grown version of the boy he loved so deeply in his childhood play around like no time had passed.

“The snow is prettier on the mountains,” Jaehyun comments, looking up at Yuta. His gaze feels like a knife to Yuta’s heart. “One day, let’s go together. I have a world I want to see with you.”

“Hokkaido is nice too,” Yuta says softly, his voice blocked by the lump in his throat, it cracks embarrassingly but Jaehyun doesn’t point it out. “How many people have you thought about travelling with?” 

Jaehyun looks at him, confused. “One, only you,” he says, holding a single finger up. “I expect that you’ve made plans with Johnny and Taeyong, though?”

Yuta shakes his head. “I haven’t thought of it in recent years. Do you remember you used to say you wanted to take me to Seoul?”

“I still do,” Jaehyun says sincerely. “I want to take you everywhere, be with you forever. You’re the only person I want to be with.”

“Why are you obsessed with me?” Yuta tries to joke, but his voice breaks halfway and it comes out sounding rather pathetic instead. 

“Because I love you,” Jaehyun deadpans. “I always have, I always will.”

It’s then that Yuta catches Jaehyun staring at him, rather, at the lower half of his face. His friend moves closer to him, eyeing his lip with a hungry look in his eyes. Yuta’s heart races at the proximity, Jaehyun’s hand still warm between his own, his other making its way around Yuta’s waist and pulling him even closer, until all that separates him and Jaehyun is their thick layers of clothes.

Jaehyun’s breath is warm against Yuta’s cheek, puffs of smoke in the cold air blowing against his face. It’s such an intimate position, Yuta’s heart speeds faster.

Jaehyun leans in and presses a soft kiss to Yuta’s cheek, pulling away almost instantly. His cheeks colour red, a deeper shade than anything the cold air could ever do. Yuta’s pulse kicks into overdrive as he feels Jaehyun’s cold fingers find purchase on his cheek, rubbing circles gently along the line of his cheekbone. “Sorry,” he breathes out, white clouds escaping from his lips and disappearing into the sky, vanishing behind the snow that falls on their dark hair. “You looked so cute.”

“Your hands are cold,” Yuta says, voice trembling. “Let’s go back inside now.”

Jaehyun nods, staring at Yuta with that fond look that has Yuta’s heart melting in his chest, as if a heart could melt at a temperature like this, or even at all. They reach the door in a few quick strides and Yuta looks back, watching white fall slowly to the floor. “Do you remember when you got us locked out that one year?”

Jaehyun laughs bubbly. “We both caught a cold, didn’t we? Our parents quarantined us in the same room for half a week.”

“It was a fun half a week,” Yuta says, opening the door, the air inside is warmer, but not enough. Yuta increases the power of the heater. “But we’re probably too old to share beds now, aren't we?” 

“I’d enjoy it,” Jaehyun says teasingly, leering playfully at Yuta. “Waking up beside my precious Yuta. Perhaps we’d even cuddle,’ he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, “or even-” 

“You’re crazy,” Yuta cuts him off with a frown. 

“Crazy for you,” Jaehyun sing-songs, tapping on Yuta’s nose with a cold-tipped finger as he uses his other hand to tug off his scarf and toes off his shoes once again. It’s that easy for the frown to fall from Yuta’s face and for him to start mirroring Jaehyun’s cheerful grin. 

They head back up to Yuta’s room and as soon as they’re behind a closed door, Jaehyun collapses on Yuta’s bed, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes look hazy and unfocused and Yuta takes great care to ensure he doesn’t disrupt Jaehyun’s peace as he sits beside him on the mattress.

“I hate it,” Jaehyun mumbles, voice so quiet that Yuta barely catches it. “I hate always feeling so tired and empty.”

Yuta reaches out and threads his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair, ruffling the strands and wondering how Jaehyun managed to get it so soft and fluffy. “Rest more, Jae. You’ve worked hard enough.”

“Yuta,” Jaehyun says, staring up, directly into the light overhead. “I think my grades are slipping, it’s freaking me out. It’s never happened before.”

“Why is that?” Yuta asks, raising an eyebrow as he watches Jaehyun sit up. He meets Yuta’s eye with a hard gaze.

“I don’t really care about school,” Jaehyun replies simply. “I never did, but it was my only connection to you for so long that I felt like I had to try harder. Lately, I’ve lacked the motivation to do any sort of studying, and I’m losing my grip.”

“You were studying because of me?” Yuta asks in disbelief, thinking of all the years of hostility between them over a couple of letters and numbers printed in dark ink on report books. “Do you know how stupid that sounds?”

Jaehyun scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, a sheepish smile playing on his lips. “You were my best friend, I wasn’t ready to let go of you so I found another way to be important to you.”

“You made me feel so bad,” Yuta complains, copying Jaehyun’s pose and crossing his legs, “all because you wanted to be important to me?”

“I was a stupid thirteen-year-old who just wanted my best friend back,” Jaehyun says casually, like he’s discussing lunch plans and not one of the many roots of years of so much hurt and anger. “So, I started studying to get your attention. Then it went out of control and before I knew it, you hated me because I beat you in a biology test.”

Yuta is speechless, averting Jaehyun’s eye as he hears a deep sigh escaping his lips. He looks up timidly and sees Jaehyun combing through his hair with his fingers in frustration. “I never wanted to hurt you,” Jaehyun says, finally. “I’d never hurt you intentionally either, I just fucked up a lot when we were younger and eventually the damage became irreparable and I didn’t know how to stop.”

“It’s not irreparable, you know?” Yuta asks softly, reaching out and taking Jaehyun’s hand in his own. “I fucked up a lot too, I’m the one who pulled away.”

“I’m the one who pushed away,” Jaehyun replies. “I suppose that made it easy for us to break apart the way we did.”

“Still,” Jaehyun adds. “I’m sorry. I really am, I can't imagine what I put you through by doing all of this for your attention. The grades never mattered to me the way they did to you, you’re the only thing that’s ever mattered to me.”

Yuta taps his lower lip with a finger. “Don’t you fucking dare apologise to me for doing well in school,” he huffs, crossing his arms. “I’ll get really mad if I find out I’m the only one who took our little academic rivalry seriously all these years.”

Jaehyun purses his lips to keep from grinning, it still shows, the tips of his lips tilted upwards. “I took it very seriously, that’s how I clawed my way to second.”

“I always thought you were just naturally gifted,” Yuta confesses. “That fed into my hatred.”

Jaehyun blinks at him. “I’m honestly good for nothing,” he laughs pathetically. “I have to try hard for everything that I do, and it just leaves me feeling tired all the time. But I'm willing to do it a thousand times if it means you’ll come back to me.”

“I’m already back, dumbass,” Yuta points out. Jaehyun grins broadly at him in response.

“Then my work was worth it.” Jaehyun sounds satisfied, happy even, as he beams at Yuta with a deck of perfect teeth. Yuta’s heart skips a beat in his chest. “But I assume you’ll be mad at me if I fall behind, won’t you?”

“I’m tired of being mad at you,” Yuta confesses softly, staring at his friend with as much affection as he can muster. “But I want you to keep doing well, for your own sake.”

“Do I deserve this sort of care?” Jaehyun asks wondrously, eyes wide as he bores into Yuta’s soul. Yuta wonders if he can hear his heartbeat, even from this far away, Jaehyun’s always been more in tune with him than he himself ever was.

Even years apart couldn’t change that.

“You’re my closest friend,” Yuta says, reaching to brush Jaehyun’s fallen bangs away from his eyes. His ears redden as Yuta sweeps across his face with a warm hand. “Because even though there’s an undeniable wall between us after all these years, you still know me best. You’re still, to me, something that no one could ever replace.”

Jaehyun laughs incredulously, and then he begins to cry. Strangely enough, looking at Jaehyun’s eyes well with tears sets Yuta’s heart at an easy, steady pace. “Don’t cry on me now, Jeong,” he coos, blowing lightly on Jaehyun’s cheek.

“I love you,” Jaehyun sputters out, with so much sincerity that Yuta’s guarded heart almost shatters when it hits the ground. He can feel it beating slowly in his chest, a comfortable rhythm, but if you asked Yuta to point exactly where it’s located, he wouldn’t be able to give an answer.

All he knows is that Jaehyun sits perfectly in the center of it all.

“I do too,” Yuta whispers. “I always have.”

+

Jaehyun returns to his busy schedule after their day in the snow, disappearing from Yuta’s days again like he doesn’t even exist. Yuta knows he does, however, because the thought of Jaehyun lingers in his mind.

Jaehyun is impossible to not think about, eternally sitting in the corner of Yuta’s mind. Yuta doesn’t find his heart racing at the thought of his friend anymore, rather, the thoughts settle his emotions. It’s easier to breathe, with the thought of Jaehyun that never seems to fade away.

Jaehyun doesn’t leave him alone, not really. He texts Yuta like a cannon of words, firing out text messages rapidly whenever he finds he has the free time. Reading through them on his walks home puts Yuta in a good mood.

The weather progressively gets colder and they have another snow day before Johnny and Taeyong can accompany him to buy warmer clothes and hopefully shop for Christmas gifts. As Yuta walks home alone, all he can think of is how any sort of company would make the walk warmer, his footsteps lighter, his breathing easier.

**Jyan Cat [17:45]:** dudes!

**Jyan Cat [17:45]:** christmas shopping tomorrow

**Jyan Cat [17:46]:** yongie and i will hide behind the bushes at your house and then steal you away from jeong jaehyun when your mom is not looking  _ @yuta _

**Yong [17:47]:** we will save you yuyu

**Yuta [17:48]:** k

**Yong [17:48]:** UR SO COLD TO US!!!!

**Baby Jaehyun [18:12]:** i’ll come get you tomorrow morning so you can go out with your friends ok?

**Baby Jaehyun [18:13]:** what time should i come?

**Yuta [18:14]:** 9am plz

**Yuta [18:14]:** thanks jaehyun

**Baby Jaehyun [18:15]:** don’t worry about it :D

**Baby Jaehyun [18:16]:** see you tomorrow!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hit like 7 walls while writing this and its really not the best but eh. thanks for always reading my updates haha i don't even know what I'm doing anymore please let me know if i should just pack up and end this story already


	12. Chapter 12

Yuta’s mother, to his dismay, is still home when he’s due to leave the next day. She wanders around the kitchen, opening cupboards to check for groceries, Yuta hopes she’s not planning to cook. She has never once been good in the kitchen, Yuta thinks it would be a shame for the house to burn down when he’s so close to leaving anyway.

She stares at him like a predator as he walks down the stairs, something that would normally dull Yuta’s mood. This time, however, with the thought of soon seeing his friends, Yuta’s spirit is unwavering.

“Your curfew is 5pm,” she says, her left eye twitches slightly as she looks at Yuta. It’s strange, Yuta thinks, there’s something very off about her lately. She seems less composed, closer to snapping at any given moment. Yuta would worry about the crazed look in her eyes, if he cared. He doesn’t.

“I understand,” Yuta replies stiffly, the answer practiced to perfection and used all his life. His mother has always been suffocating, overly formal to the point where Yuta has begun to think of this house he grew up in as more of an office than a home. He does his work in here, brings home results, and depending on said results, he either gets an affirming nod or a smack to the face.

The doorbell breaks apart the noticeable tension between Yuta and his mother. It rings through the room and cuts whatever else his mother had wanted to say to him. Yuta reaches for the door and unlocks it, opening it up and coming face to face with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun has begun dressing warmer, it seems. He wears a long coat instead of his usual sweaters and has swapped the scarf out for a turtleneck. He looks good, Yuta acknowledges, raising his hand to wave awkwardly at him. “Hi.”

He doesn’t know where the awkwardness even comes from, watching Jaehyun bore his gaze so deep into him that Yuta thinks he may as well be burning holes into him. The left corner of Jaehyun’s lip tilts upwards, revealing a dimple that has Yuta’s heart jumping. “Good morning, Yuta.” 

Yuta feels something shift, a threatening aura creeping up on him from behind. Jaehyun’s expression becomes guarded as he looks at the space behind Yuta. “Good morning to you, as well,” he greets in a polite tone. Yuta turns and finds his mother hovering over him, her eyes flashing dangerously, and for a second, Yuta thinks she looks afraid. Her eyes twitch and her lip quivers slightly, and Yuta notices the darkness brewing behind her pupils and under her eyelids. “Thank you for letting me have your son today.”

“Take care,” his mother sniffs, voice clipped and Yuta watches as all traces of panic melt out of her expression. She regains her normal cool composure and smiles coldly at Yuta. “5pm.”

Yuta nods before walking out of the house with Jaehyun. His friend turns to him curiously once the door is closed. “Something felt off today,” he comments slowly. “Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine, Jae,” Yuta replies, watching Jaehyun reach out in an attempt to take his hand. Yuta snatches his hand away quickly and watches as a wounded expression creeps across Jaehyun’s face. “Not here, my mother can see.”

Jaehyun calms down, his face returning to its natural look of a half-smile that knows too much, and yet not enough at the same time. “Johnny and Taeyong are waiting for you at the end of the street, I passed by them earlier.”

“Thank you,” Yuta mumbles sincerely, feeling Jaehyun move closer to him. His coated arm knocking against the light padding Yuta wears. Yuta thinks it must be his way of compensating for the lack of contact between them, and finds that he has begun to grow used to Jaehyun’s constant touch as well.

They continue walking down the street in a comfortable silence, the only noise coming from birds in the trees. Yuta wonders when the migration period will begin when he suddenly catches sight of two faces peeking out from behind the neighbour down the street’s fences. 

Johnny and Taeyong emerge from behind the fences, Johnny waving to him as Taeyong cocks his head playfully.

“Took you long enough,” Taeyong teases playfully, once Yuta is close enough to reach with an empty hand. Taeyong’s hand traces Yuta’s cheek, but even the touch of his friend isn’t nearly as burning as the stare he can feel cast against them from both other parties. When Yuta darts his eyes around, he can see Johnny boring holes into him, and on the other side, he can also feel Jaehyun’s piercing gaze. They’re both staring at him, Yuta realises, his stomach bubbling anxiously. “Jaehyun surely took his time bringing you here, didn’t he?”

“Do you think of me as horrible?” Jaehyun snarks, raising an eyebrow at Taeyong. When he looks back at Yuta, his expression melts into something softer. It has Yuta’s heart dropping into the pit of his stomach, the weather around them suddenly warmer than any late autumn day should be. “I wouldn’t hold him back like that.”

“What’s gotten your underwear in a twist today?” Taeyong asks, directing it at Jaehyun. For a split second as Yuta watches Jaehyun clench his jaw in agitation, and Yuta’s heart sinks at what could potentially end in a fight between the most important people to him. Beside him, he can already see Johnny squaring up for a fight.

One glance at Yuta, however, has Jaehyun relaxing. His face muscles go slack as an easy smile makes its way onto his face. It’s comforting, as Jaehyun’s presence has always been, whether Yuta wanted to admit it or not through all these years. “Buy me something while you’re out,” Jaehyun says softly, ignoring Taeyong. He taps his fingers on Yuta’s cheek. “Something that matches something you bought for yourself, I’ll pay you back.”

Yuta nods stiffly, fighting back a blush that threatens to bloom under Jaehyun’s fingers. Jaehyun, seemingly satisfied, looks up and Yuta follows, finding him looking at Taeyong and Johnny with bright eyes. It’s a little strange to see him look at them without a dark expression, but it makes Yuta oddly happy. “I’ll be the one to drop Yuta back home, what time will you all come back?”

“We’ll be back around 4,” Johnny replies. Yuta watches Jaehyun readjust his coat, realigning the seams with his shoulders. It’s a sight to behold, someone as perfectly gorgeous as Jaehyun, Yuta feels blood rush to his head. Jaehyun nods thoughtfully, running his hand through his hair.

“I finish training around that time,” Jaehyun hums. “It’ll take me 15 to make it here, so just stay with him until I get here.”

Yuta wonders if he should be offended by the way his friends talk about him like they’re divorced and he’s a child in their custody. He isn’t, though, if anything, he’s just pleased that his friends seem to be getting along for his sake.

Jaehyun checks his watch and his eyes widen comically in horror. “Shit,” he curses softly, looking back up at Yuta. “I’ll see you later.”

His tone is so gentle, easy on Yuta’s ears. Paired with the slightly colder weather around them, Yuta thinks Jaehyun is the picture-perfect definition of the holidays. He stands before them with a lopsided grin tugging on his left cheek and a hand up in a makeshift wave, his coat wrapping around him perfectly and his ears red in the cold. Yuta wonders if it’s possible for someone to be painfully beautiful, then again, Jaehyun stands as the exact definition of that. Yuta waves back and watches with a heavy heart as Jaehyun disappears down the street, breaking into a jog once he’s far enough from them.

He turns back to face his friends and finds them grinning at him, the aura they exude makes their teeth look slightly sharper to Yuta, a little more threatening. However, to his surprise, the two do not press any further. 

“My parents are waiting in the car a street down,” Johnny says casually, as if he didn’t look at Yuta with a threatening gaze earlier. “We’re driving over to the next town, they’re having a holiday sale in one of their department malls.”

“My sister asked me to bring back a decoration for our tree,” Taeyong says, likely as a reminder to himself since he doesn’t seem to direct his words at either of them. He then looks up and points a finger at Yuta. “And you need to buy warmer clothes, that jacket is paper-thin, I’m surprised you’re not being blown away in the wind.”

“He also needs to buy couple items for his loverboy,” Johnny sing-songs, causing Taeyong to burst into laughter, at the expense of Yuta’s composure. Taeyong slings his arm around Yuta, dumping his full weight on his friend, Yuta almost falls over. 

“They’re not couple items,” Yuta insists, but finds neither of his friends listening to him. They have matching smiles as they ignore Yuta’s frenzied speech on how he and Jaehyun are just friends and Yuta gives it up for a lost cause.

When they reach the end of the street, Yuta sees a familiar black car. A man stands beside it, his hand on the roof of the vehicle as his other waves at them. He’s the spitting image of Johnny, who waves back eagerly. He’s sat in that car a few times, but normally it was just him and Johnny, with the occasional addition of Taeyong.

Yuta remembers watching Johnny cry in the driver seat, car stationary in an empty parking lot while he and Taeyong eyed each other helplessly in the backseat. He remembers Johnny’s heart ache, his untamed grief. Yuta remembers it being the car Johnny drove him to the city with years ago, with nothing but his provisional license, six cans of soft drink, and $27 between the two of them. It’s the only time he had ever been caught disobeying his mother. 

It’s a little nostalgic to think about, as much as he had suffered that night. 

“Hello Taeyong,” the man greets kindly before turning to Yuta. His smile stretches a little further. “It’s been a while, Yuta.”

Yuta can feel his heart caught in his throat, he can’t remember the last time he was spoken to so kindly by an adult. Taeyong’s mother tended to be playful, closer to a friend to both Taeyong and his friends than an actual maternal figure. Johnny’s parents, however, were the very definition of parental that Yuta has been missing his entire life. 

The kindness that lies beneath Johnny’s shithead exterior definitely formed thanks to the excellent support he’s received in his life. Yuta can’t figure out if he’s jealous or relieved that not everyone was raised the same way he was.

“Hey Mr Suh,” Taeyong greets brightly, reminding Yuta that he has yet to respond to Johnny’s father. It’s a little shameful, since even though his own parents treated his friends like the dirt under their shoes, Johnny and Taeyong had always made it a point to bow respectfully to them.

Jaehyun too, but Yuta’s parents had never been anything but affectionate towards him.

Yuta bows, eyes on the floor and hands to the side, hoping it conveys his sincerity deeply enough where his words can’t. His brain swims with thoughts and his heartbeat pulses rapidly in his throat, blocking anything that he would’ve had to say. He is met with a gentle pat on the head from a heavy hand, the weight comforting and unlike anything Yuta was used to. 

He looks up and finds Johnny’s father standing right in front of him, hand on his head and a broad smile on his face. Nearby, he hears Johnny whine. “Dad, you can try to adopt Yuta later. The earlier we leave, the less jammed the expressway will be.”

Johnny’s father winks at him before laughing loudly at his son, he opens the door to the driver seat and slips in with ease as Johnny reaches out and quickly ushers his friends into the backseat. Inside the car, Johnny’s mother sits in the passenger seat, she turns around to face them and greets them both affectionately. Yuta’s heart burns, swearing that he can feel his cheeks turn dark shades of red.

Johnny, who seems to notice, chuckles heartily and swings his arm around Yuta’s shoulders. He pushes the seatbelt awkwardly, causing it to uncomfortably dig into Yuta’s skin, but Yuta doesn’t really mind. It doesn’t matter, not when Johnny holds him so close and it feels like, for a second, nothing else in the world can touch him again.

“The ride should be around 40 minutes long,” Johnny’s father says, glancing at them in the backseat through the mirror as he starts up his car. “If you two would like to sleep, I’m sure Johnny doesn’t mind being used as a human headrest.”

“Dad!” Johnny whines without any real bite as Taeyong snuggles up to his side. Yuta, too, finds himself dozing off. He leans on Johnny’s shoulder, his eyes struggling to stay open, and he feels Johnny’s heavy arm wrapping around his shoulders, pulling him closer.

+

When Yuta wakes up, they’re reversing into a parking lot somewhere far away from their town. He perks up, hitting Johnny’s head with his own and Johnny yelps in shock. Yuta glances at him with wide eyes and finds that Johnny’s head had been resting on his own sleeping one. Johnny offers him a lopsided grin as he rubs his head.

Yuta looks out the window of the car to see a mall larger than any of the rundown ones back home. It almost looks like it could be one in the city, but Yuta recognises it as the largest complex in the largest town beyond the city. He’s been here with Jaehyun before, when they were children and their parents still brought them to interesting places. He wonders if the ice cream stand still exists, the one just outside the mall, manned by an elderly woman who smiled fondly as she handed Yuta his vanilla ice cream all those years ago.

Yuta smiles to himself, in memory of Jaehyun spilling his chocolate ice cream on his new shirt and crying. Jaehyun was such a clumsy, adorable child, Yuta can hardly believe that it’s the same arrogant, teasing, irritating Jaehyun he knows today.

He’s loved both versions of Jaehyun, and Yuta privately thinks that he still does.

“We’re here, sons,” Johnny’s mother declares, before sniffing at Johnny from behind her sunglasses, suppressing a grin. “And you as well, Johnny.”

“So mean to me,” Johnny sulks, withering against Yuta. His body is heavy pressed against Yuta’s, given the size difference between the two, but it’s still warm, still comfortable. Taeyong glances at them, before being the first to open the car door on his side, spilling out of the car. He stretches in the middle of a parking lot, reaching for the sky as he sighs in satisfaction. Yuta follows, stumbling out of the other door and finding that the sky is bluer here than back home.

Johnny exits through the same door that he did and closes it with a loud slam that only he could do. His father side-eyes him playfully and Johnny grins in response.

Yuta wants that, something he’ll never be able to achieve. A part of his heart that aches for that sort of parental affection breaks away, shattering where it falls at his feet on the faded grey asphalt of the parking lot.

“Hey,” Taeyong says, sliding up to Yuta. It’s the only warning Yuta gets, and it’s not enough to keep him from jumping and relaxing upon realisation that it’s just Taeyong. “You’re spacing out, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Yuta replies softly, reaching out to hold Taeyong’s extended hand. He smiles at Yuta and reminds him of all good things in the world. “Sorry.”

Taeyong flicks Yuta’s forehead with his free hand, grinning at his best friend as he cries out in exaggerated pain. “You know we hate it when you apologise for these things.”

“I do,” Yuta hums quietly, offering Taeyong as wide a smile as he can without straining the muscles in his face. The wind around them is fast, ruffling Yuta’s hair and turning his blood into ice, but Yuta finds that none of that matters as he feels the warmth between his fingers. 

“How have you been?” Taeyong asks casually as they slowly stroll to the mall, fingers still interlocked. A lump forms in Yuta’s throat, one that he desperately tries to swallow down. “I feel like I don’t ask about you enough, you know I care the most, right?”

“I’ve been alright,” Yuta replies, wanting to share more about everything with Taeyong as they watch Johnny animatedly chat with his parents just several feet in front of them. His words clumsily get caught in his throat and he gives up, deciding that maybe he can tell Taeyong another day. “I know you care, so it’s okay.”

Taeyong smiles cheekily. “Okay, maybe I’m not the one who cares the most anymore. What do you want to buy for him?”

“I don’t know,” Yuta confesses, ignoring Taeyong’s playful teasing and focusing on the question instead. “It’s been so many years, I don’t know if he still likes the same things.”

Taeyong’s expression softens as the wind blows yet another strong gust through his hair. “I think he’ll like anything you give him. I don’t know Jaehyun well and I’m sure he hates me, but he adores you more than anything in the world.”

“You dislike him too, right?” Yuta asks, feeling a little hopeless and wishing it was easier to piece together all the important aspects of his life without compromising anything. To his surprise, Taeyong laughs and shakes his head.

“How could I hate someone so important to someone who is also important to me?” Taeyong smiles brilliantly as the pair step through the doors of the mall. The temperature around them warms almost instantly. “I don’t care much about Jaehyun, but knowing how much he means to my best friend soothes me. I was afraid you’d never grow to care for someone beyond us again.”

“You make me sound heartless,” Yuta laughs awkwardly. 

“On the contrary,” Taeyong says simply. “You’re the opposite of heartless, so if Jaehyun hurts you again, I will cut his balls off.”

Yuta is about to reply when he sees Johnny look back from where he walks with his parents. He heads to them with a grin, paper money clutched between his fingers. “Why are you guys so slow? We have until 12!”

Yuta snorts at Johnny’s puppy-like behaviour while Taeyong stares at him, smitten. Yuta raises their joint hands and lightly hits Taeyong on his cheek to drag him back into reality, where Johnny peers at him curiously.

“Where are we headed first?” Yuta asks curiously, noting that Johnny’s parents have already disappeared into a crowd of faceless people. 

Johnny winks at him, reaching forward and tugging on the zipper of Yuta’s jacket, pulling it down to his lowest ribs. “First, we’ll get you a new jacket.”

Yuta huffs, stepping backwards and trying to get Johnny’s hand off his zipper, when Johnny smiles smugly and refuses to let go. Yuta sighs and grabs hold of his larger hand, pulling his hand up, the zipper following suit.

Johnny grins at him, following Yuta’s motions with ease before letting go when the zipper finally reaches the collar of the jacket. Taeyong stares at their strange exchange in confusion before deciding to shrug it off. “If you’re both done, let’s get moving.”

Johnny laughs fondly, patting Taeyong on the head with a large hand. Yuta watches in disguised interest as red creeps up the back of Taeyong’s neck, his skin flushing. “Yongie, if you’re jealous just say so.” Johnny winks playfully at him, seemingly unaware of the stilling effect his words have on their friend.

“I am not,” Taeyong says plainly, his expression flat as he shakes Johnny’s hand off. “Let’s go, we have to regroup with your parents for lunch.”

+

True to their word, the first store Johnny and Taeyong drag Yuta to is a clothes shop with a diverse winter collection in the display window. Yuta knows his jackets are thin, everyone has commented on it, even Taeil whom Yuta rarely speaks to one-on-one had felt up his jacket a week prior in class, declaring the material to be thinner than the paper stocked in the school’s bathrooms.

Yuta gawks at the dozens, no, hundreds of clothing articles that hang from an equally large number of hangers and racks. As someone who had his mother buy every piece of clothing he’s ever worn in his life, he doesn’t quite know where to start looking.

“Brown suits you nicely,” Taeyong comments from a small distance away, he squats to the level of the lowest shelf and pulls out a pale brown overcoat. “Black and white are always safe options, if you dislike adventure.”

Johnny, a shelf away, hums in response to Taeyong’s words. “If you want something brighter, blue has always looked good on you too.”

Yuta ends up with his hands stacked high with a variety of jackets his friends had picked out for him. He looks at the cloth in confusion, wondering how he’s supposed to pick just one when all the colours blend obnoxiously and throw his mind into disarray. 

Taeyong slides a hand across his lower back and begins guiding him somewhere as Johnny follows after. “People normally bring these to a changing room, you can try them on in there.” He stops in front of a small corridor with a dead end, doors lining each side of the walls. Taeyong hums and pushes him into the first room in the hall. “We’ll be out here.”

It’s small, that’s the first thing Yuta realises. There’s a large mirror in front of him that reaches the ceiling from the floor and multiple clothing hooks along the right wall. He cautiously hangs the jackets his friends chose and begins to slip the jackets on. He’s on his second, studying himself curiously in the mirror when his phone buzzes in his back pocket. Yuta quickly fishes it out, worried that it might be his mother, and immediately calms down at the sight of Jaehyun’s contact name appearing on the screen.

**Baby Jaehyun [10:46]:** how’s the shopping going :D

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:47]:** we’re taking a break until 11.15 here lol

 **Yuta [10:48]:** ah

 **Yuta [10:48]:** currently trying to buy a jacket. taeyong and johnny picked some out for me and i’m supposed to try them on to see which one looks best

 **Yuta [10:48]:** but…

 **Yuta [10:49]:** i don’t know

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:49]:** are you in a changing room???

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:50]:** if you want my expert opinion you can send me pics ;)

Yuta takes off the jacket he wears and places it up on one of the empty hangers. He quickly snaps a photo of all the jackets hanging on the wall and sends it to Jaehyun.

**Baby Jaehyun [10:53]:** yuta…

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:53]:** i meant send me pics of you wearing them </3

 **Yuta [10:53]:** OH

 **Yuta [10:54]:** should i get taeyong to come in and take photos???

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:54]:** that’s not necessary honey pumpkin

Immediately after, Yuta receives a video call request from Jaehyun. He accepts the call and is immediately met by Jaehyun’s sweaty face leaning in too close into the camera. Jaehyun’s hair is damp and there is a towel thrown carelessly over his shoulder. “It’s been a while, Yuyu. I’ve missed you.”

Yuta rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “We saw each other two hours ago.”

Jaehyun chuckles. “Yes, and I’ve missed you in those two hours. Now, why don’t you show me the jackets? Put them on and just show me what you see in the mirror.”

Yuta places his phone down on the small chair provided in the corner of the changing room and grabs the first one off the hanger, slipping it on with ease. He then picks his phone back up and positions it so the camera captures the mirror. “Oh, I like this one. You look pretty,” Jaehyun coos, his voice affectionate. Yuta glances down at the screen and finds Jaehyun smiling at him, dimples showing obnoxiously in a way that makes Yuta’s mind spin. 

“You’ve only seen one,” Yuta points out and Jaehyun laughs. 

“That doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Oddly enough, Yuta feels his throat close up at Jaehyun’s words. Not enough to hurt, but enough to make him aware of his own heartbeat.

They go through the five jackets together, Jaehyun generous with his compliments as Yuta shows him each one. By the end, Yuta isn’t even able to figure out what looks good on him and what doesn’t, because Jaehyun is far too nice.

“So, which one should I buy?” Yuta asks, noting the time and how they’re minutes away from the end of Jaehyun’s break. 

“Buy them all,” Jaehyun says casually, like it’s no big deal and like it’s not hundreds of dollars. “In fact, I’ll buy them for you. Tell Johnny I’m transferring him money since you don’t have a bank account.”

“Wait, Jaehyun,” Yuta tries but is met by Jaehyun waving to him instead. 

“Gotta go now, Yuyu, before Doyoung chokes me on the court for being slow,” Jaehyun laughs. “We all know you’re the only one I want to be choked by.”

“Jae-“

“Love you, see you later!” He hangs up immediately after, not allowing Yuta to get another word in.

Yuta recalls a conversation they had a while ago at the train station, Jaehyun’s liking for buying Yuta things, but this doesn’t feel right. Buying snacks is one thing, buying a small collection of winter jackets is another. It doesn’t feel right because it feels too intimate, Yuta thinks. Jaehyun has bought him a plethora of items in their long, shared history with one another, with him always having money to spare and Yuta having none. Somehow though, this feels like it’s crossing the boundary, making Jaehyun seem more like a lover than a close friend Yuta’s missed all these years.

Jaehyun would be a good lover, Yuta thinks, because if he’s treating a friend like this then what more for someone he loves. The thought makes him strangely uncomfortable, as if Jaehyun’s love life is any of his business. He gathers the jackets in his arms and leaves the changing room, a slight stumble in his step.

“Yuta, you were in there forever,” Taeyong laughs when he spots him walking out of the small corridor. “Johnny’s been thinking about calling the cops to report you missing for the past ten minutes.”

Johnny hums, fishing out his phone as scrolling through his messages as Taeyong turns his attention back to Yuta. “So, which one will you be getting?”

Johnny looks up from his phone and pockets it immediately. He grins. “It seems that Yuta will be getting all of them.”

Taeyong raises an eyebrow, prompting for a further explanation which Johnny happily offers, much to Yuta’s chagrin. “It seems our Yuta here has a different relationship with Jaehyun than what we had expected.” Johnny shows Taeyong his screen, leaving Yuta to watch Taeyong’s eyes widen comically in shock. “I didn’t take Yuta for a sugar baby type.”

Johnny’s tone is low and easy, teasing like a brother that Yuta never had. It’s hard to get angry at something like that, it’s hard to feel embarrassed when all Yuta feels is warmth for all the people in his life. “How much did he send?” He asks nervously, his voice quiet. Johnny’s smile widens.

“He said not to disclose. I had no idea he had so much money, I might have to try and woo him myself,” Johnny sniffs. “Since Yuta doesn’t want him.”

“As if he’d ever look at your ugly ass,” Yuta says playfully, rolling his eyes and ignoring the way his gut plummets at Johnny’s words. Jaehyun’s attractive, of course there’s people trying to pursue him. Even if Johnny is joking about going after him, there’s still regular people who would want Jaehyun enough to get him.

Yuta’s heart sinks, would there be any space left for him in Jaehyun’s life at all? His thoughts are interrupted by Taeyong clapping a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s pay for your shit and get out of here, the store manager has been staring at us for five minutes now. I think he’s about to call the police.”

“That wouldn’t be good, I have a warrant,” Johnny jokes, at least, Yuta thinks it’s a joke. He can’t tell between Johnny’s lip tilted upwards and the way his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“That’s a joke right?” Taeyong asks, laughing nervously as the three of them make their way to the cashier. 

Johnny grins. “Of course, but if Yuyu allowed me to murder adults in his name, it wouldn’t be anymore.”

+

**Yuta [11:32]:** Jae

 **Yuta [11:32]:** how do i pay you back

 **Yuta [11:32]:** it’s $200 i don’t have that kind of money i hate you

Yuta knows Jaehyun is busy with practice, so he figures he’ll hold off the conversation and speak to him about it later. 

In person, so Jaehyun can’t cut him off as they brainstorm ways for Yuta to pay him back.

+

They meet up with Johnny’s parents at noon for lunch, a small cafe becomes the place for all five of them to get something to eat. It’s a treat for the three of them, leeching off Johnny’s father’s wallet and ordering, in his words, anything and everything they want.

The three of them had spent the past thirty minutes rummaging through discount bins in search of Johnny’s Christmas gift for Doyoung. Taeyong, despite his bad blood with Doyoung, had been against Johnny buying his ex-boyfriend an irritating bracelet with a tacky letter D engraved on a pendant charm hanging from it. Johnny had ignored him and victoriously walked to the payment counter, buying it and asking for it to be wrapped.

Johnny’s mouth is full as he speaks. “We still need to buy Taeyong’s tree decoration, and then we’ll search for Yuta’s gift for his boyfriend.”

“He is not my boyfriend,” Yuta insists, when he looks up from his plate, he finds Johnny’s parents looking at him fondly. It’s a little strange to him, to be looked at with anything but hostility, but Yuta welcomes the feeling that engulfs him.

Yuta’s not worried about Johnny basically declaring he has a boyfriend (he doesn’t!) to his parents. He recalls Taeyong telling him that Johnny’s parents know he only seems to befriend gay people, so Johnny’s parents must already know. It’s an amusing thought to Yuta, and he’s a little envious that Johnny’s parents don’t seem to care at all.

“Childhood best friend, boyfriend, it’s all the same to us,” Taeyong says, waving his hand dismissively. “So we need to do all of that by 3, and then we’ll head back to town.”

They continue with their lunch without any important conversation occurring. Johnny’s parents ask them both about school and future plans with an interest that Yuta has never received from his own and Yuta answers them sincerely. Internally, he tries to trick himself into believing that his own father sits in Johnny’s father’s place, suddenly interested in whatever his own son is doing. Present.

“Any idea what to buy for Jaehyun?” Johnny asks later, when his parents have taken their leave to go for a spa appointment in the remaining two hours they have here, and Yuta sighs hopelessly.

“None, I don’t even know where to begin to look,” Yuta replies, thinking hard and finding no solutions for his problem. “I don’t want him to be disappointed.”

“As if he could ever be,” Taeyong laughs. “You could give him a cold, half-eaten hot dog and he’d get excited because he’s _technically_ sharing food with you.”

“How bad would it be if I said I’m putting that up for consideration?” Yuta jokes and Johnny clicks his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

“Horrible,” he looks down at his wrist for his watch, to check the time and to make sure they’re still running on schedule when his eyes widen. They snap back up to look at Yuta, sparkling with an idea, and Yuta is a little scared. “What about an accessory?”

“What good would that be?” Yuta asks, confused as he watches Taeyong’s eyes light up as well.

“It’s something simple he can wear all the time,” Taeyong says. “Okay, maybe not on the court, but otherwise it’s not like a shirt where it has to be washed. He can wear it literally everyday if he wants.”

“I like the idea,” Yuta says after thinking it through for a while. “But wouldn’t expecting him to like it enough to wear it, much less everyday, be overkill?”

“Trust me, he’d sleep with it on,” Johnny says. “Doyoung rants too much about how obsessed he is with you for him to not.”

+

They look for Taeyong’s tree decoration first at a small shop in the left wing of the building. Taeyong is stumped between a regular bauble and one of a snow globe with tiny birds painted on the glass. Johnny is visibly beginning to lose his patience, the repetitive Christmas music in the background of the shop drilling into both their brains and slowly driving them insane.

“The globe is so nice,” Taeyong whines. “But it’s double the price of the normal one.”

“Make up your mind before I stab myself with one of the stars in here,” Johnny grumbles, looking intently at the collection of stars meant for the top of a tree. “We’ve been in here for forty minutes, and if Frosty the Snowman plays once more I might actually start killing people.” His eye twitches, adding to the effect.

“We spent an hour looking for a jacket for Yuta, and he spent half of it in the changing room facetiming his boyfriend. I know you can offer me a little more patience,” Taeyong declares. “I want both of them.”

“I’m sure Jaehyun won’t mind if we use whatever is left from what he sent earlier on Taeyong’s globe,” Yuta comments nonchalantly. He leans against a vacant wall in the decoration shop, scrolling through his social media timeline and double tapping to like one of Sicheng’s posts. “Just a suggestion, since he stupidly entrusted us with his money.”

“If it gets us out of this shop, I’m willing to face Jeong Jaehyun’s wrath later,” Johnny groans. He reaches for Taeyong’s hand and takes the ornaments from him. “Let’s go, I’ve been in here long enough to know Frosty the Snowman is next on the playlist.”

**Yuta [13:46]:** spent your money on taeyong 

**Yuta [13:46]:** my bad

+

Left with thirty minutes, Yuta rummages through the jewellery store in search of something he thinks Jaehyun would like. Johnny is equally enthusiastic, helping him search the store and bringing him items he thinks would look nice.

Taeyong leans against a wall, his turn to be bored as he looks at his friends scurry around the store. “I think most of these would look nicer on Yuta than on Jaehyun.”

“You’re not wrong, Yuta is the most gorgeous person ever,” Johnny says with a laugh. “But that's not the point, the boyfriends want couple items.” 

“He is not my boyfriend,” Yuta says without missing a beat or looking up. His attention remains fixed on the collection of necklaces on the wall. He wonders if Jaehyun would like any of them, contemplates messaging him to ask, before realising that he would probably want Yuta to pick something himself. “What should I get?”

“Why aren’t you nagging Yuta to hurry up?” Taeyong grumbles, question directed at Johnny. Johnny chuckles in response.

“It’s more fun aggravating you,” Johnny says, tone sickeningly sweet. While his friends are distracted, a glint at the corner of his eye catches Yuta’s attention. He bends down slightly to look at it and finds a silver bracelet. He reads the sign on the wall, his friends who continue bickering become background noise as he focuses on the words printed finely on a laminated sheet of paper stuck up with tape.

He thinks it’s interesting, they sell a plain bracelet and allow customers to pick up letter charms and attach them to the bracelet themselves. They offer up to six free letter charms, Yuta reads, as he mentally counts the number of letters in Jaehyun’s name. He realises, in disappointment, that Jaehyun’s name exceeds the free letter count, briefly wondering if he should pay an extra $2 to get more letters, when Johnny and Taeyong pop up behind him.

“Jaehyun’s name is too long,” Yuta whines, gesturing at the sign on the wall. His friends lean in to take a closer look, before Johnny looks back at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Why don’t you buy one for yourself too? Your name only has four letters, you can add Jaehyun’s extra letter to your own count. Plus, that way you’ll get the matching item he asked for,” Johnny suggests. Yuta does think he’s quite foolish for not thinking about that, especially since Jaehyun did say he wanted something to match with Yuta.

“You’re right, how dumb of me.” He reaches out and takes a bracelet, before digging through the pile of letter charms in search of Jaehyun’s letters to spell his name. In the meantime, Taeyong digs through another pile to help him pull out the characters for his own name. Johnny helps them attach the letters to the bracelets before the three of them head to the counter to pay.

“Would you believe there’s still change from Jaehyun’s money? After buying five jackets and two Christmas ornaments, _including an overpriced snowglobe,”_ he adds snarkily, “Jaehyun’s freaking loaded.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Yuta says simply, watching Johnny swipe his card to pay for the bracelets. “He has plunged me into debt. I’m only eighteen, I don’t deserve this.”

Johnny rolls his eyes affectionately, handing Yuta the paper bag containing the two bracelets within. “So dramatic, why not just pay him off with a few kisses or something? I’m sure he accepts that currency.”

“That isn’t currency in any country,” Yuta argues back with a laugh. “We should go, your parents are probably waiting for us.”

“Motherfucker, you’re the one who held us up,” Johnny says, tone light and playful. He grins at Yuta in case he missed the intended teasing tone of his words, Yuta gets it. “Let’s go.”

+

They're halfway back to their town when Yuta gets a response from Jaehyun. His friends are fast asleep, their heads knocking against each other as they nap and Yuta thinks they look good together, like this.

He checks his phone carefully, ensuring his elbows don’t hit a sleeping Taeyong as he pulls the device from his pocket and unlocks it. 

**Baby Jaehyun [15:35]:** got off training early… can u come back now </3

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:36]:** HEY WHY DID YOU SPEND MY MONEY ON TAEYONG >:(

 **Yuta [15:37]:** are u mad :(

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:38]:** no

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:38]:** you are so cute

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:38]:** come back now!!

 **Yuta [15:39]:** i’m in the middle of a highway ://

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:39]:** don’t care didn’t ask come back to me immediately

 **Yuta [15:40]:** fine fine

 **Yuta [15:40]:** when i get back we have to talk about how i can pay you back

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:41]:** i accept repayment in the form of kisses ;)

 **Yuta [15:41]:** oh god

 **Yuta [15:41]:** johnny said the same thing

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:42]:** you didn’t kiss him right

 **Yuta [15:42]:** gross

 **Yuta [15:42]:** he’s like a brother to me

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:43]:** and what am i to you

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:44]:** if you call me your brother i’m jumping out of a window

 **Yuta [15:45]:** no way

 **Yuta [15:45]:** it’d be so weird to think of you the way i do if i saw you as a brother

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:46]:** how do u think of me then :D

 **Yuta [15:46]:** we’re entering a tunnel bye

 **Baby Jaehyun [15:47]:** THERE ARE NO TUNNELS ON THE HIGHWAY

Yuta switches off his phone and closes his eyes, leaning back against the headrest of the chair. The silence in the car is enough to let him hear the tires roll over every tiny piece of gravel on the road, feeling every vibration in his head. Taeyong snores softly beside him. 

“Who were you messaging?” Johnny’s mother asks from the driver seat, looking into the front mirror of the car to get a clear look at Yuta. Everyone else in the car sleeps peacefully, but Yuta can feel the woman’s burning gaze fixated on him. “It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, it’s just that you were laughing a lot.”

Was he? Yuta doesn’t have any recollection of even breaking a smile during his conversation with Jaehyun. His friend’s mother, however, speaks so assuredly that it’s hard to doubt her. “I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”

“You didn’t, you look good with a smile on,” Johnny’s mother says calmly, as if she can sense the nervousness that fills Yuta’s chest. “Happiness is important, Yuta, so treasure all instances of happiness.”

Yuta swallows, feeling his eyes blur with unshed tears as he nods. “I know it’s important, but I’m sorry if this is rude, why are you telling me this?”

“Because,” Johnny’s mother says, her tone somber and fitting Yuta’s emotions perfectly. A puzzle piece that’s been missing all his life falling into one of the many gaps of Yuta’s puzzle. “You looked like you needed it.”

Yuta swallows deeply again, terribly aware of the tremble in his hands as he grips the seatbelt over his chest tight. It’s like he’s reaching for his heart, but not quite, to check if it still beats strongly in his chest. Objectively, he knows it is, but it’s hard to tell when all he feels is hollow.

+

When they pull up back in Johnny’s driveway, Yuta catches sight of Jaehyun in his sports jacket, leaning against the fence that separates Johnny’s house from his neighbour’s. He stares intently at his phone, as if reading something interesting, and doesn’t seem to notice Johnny’s mother parking.

Yuta gets out first, helping Taeyong out right after as Johnny stumbles out of the other door. His friends are still a little disoriented from their sleep, something Yuta doesn’t suffer from since he was awake the whole ride. Taeyong leans sleepily on him as Yuta shuts the door and Yuta affectionately pats his head. 

When he looks up, he sees Johnny speaking to Jaehyun near the fence. One of Jaehyun’s hands grips the fence and the other falls to his side, still holding his phone with the screen on. Jaehyun, while busy in conversation, glances up at Yuta and the corner of his lip tilts upwards when he notices Yuta is looking at him too.

Yuta turns away, feeling his face heat up as he drags Taeyong towards his other friends. “Yongie, wake up. You’re dead weight.”

“That’s not nice,” Taeyong mumbles with a frown, but right after, he perks up and looks considerably more awake, detaching himself from Yuta and blinking brightly. They continue walking towards Johnny and Jaehyun before Taeyong, perhaps still tired, gestures at Jaehyun. “Oh, your boyfriend is already here.”

“Taeyong!” Yuta snaps. “He’s right here!”

“Yeah, I am,” Jaehyun says. Yuta looks at him and notices him wearing a smirk as he finally shoves his phone into his pocket. Yuta feels an embarrassing swirl of attraction in his lower gut as he watches Jaehyun walk over to him. Jaehyun expertly maneuvers between him and Taeyong, throwing his arm around Yuta’s shoulder and turning to send him a sickeningly sweet smile. “If that’s all you wanted to talk about, Johnny, I think I can take Yuta home now.”

More than smug, Jaehyun seems rather pleased, and even if there’s a tiny voice in Yuta’s brain that wants him to acknowledge that, he shoves it down and ignores it. 

“Yes, that was everything,” Johnny replies, nodding. “We’ll see you soon, okay?” 

“I’m not dying, John,” Yuta laughs. “Where are your parents? I’d like to thank them.”

Johnny shrugs. “They've already gone inside, it seems. I’ll pass on your gratitude for you.”

Yuta thanks him, before waving goodbye to his friends. “Enjoy yourselves for the rest of today, in fact,” he points a finger gun at the space between Johnny and Taeyong, “make it a date.”

“You are not seeing the pearly gates, I hope you know that,” Taeyong says, visibly flustered as Johnny laughs, not quite adding anything of substance to the conversation. Yuta waves again before feeling Jaehyun steer him away, his arm around Yuta’s shoulders strong and sturdy as he guides Yuta down the road.

For a while, they walk in silence. Jaehyun’s breath comes out in puffs of smoke that disappear into the skyline, with his free hand, he smoothly reaches up and adjusts the collar of his turtleneck. Yuta watches as he does, his eyes unable to tear away from the scene before him, until Jaehyun catches him. Yuta sees his pupil dart to the side of his eye and watches as arrogance takes over his friend’s features. 

“Like what you see?” He asks playfully, fingers drumming on Yuta’s shoulder. “I like the new jacket, the others are in the bag?” He gestures towards the paper bag in Yuta’s hand. It’s pretty heavy, Yuta thinks, but expected since there’s so much in it.

Without waiting for a reply, Jaehyun takes the bag out of his hands and flashes Yuta a smile. “I’ll carry it, the walk back to yours is pretty long and you seem tired. How was your day?”

“Tiring, but I’m happy,” Yuta replies quietly, his footsteps feeling rather heavy after hours of running around with Taeyong and Johnny. “Thanks for waiting for me.”

Jaehyun’s hands leave Yuta’s shoulder, tracing up his neck and reaching the top of his head. He ruffles Yuta’s hair with it, fingers tangling in the wind-blown mess. “Who else would walk you home? I see you’re trying to set your friends up.”

“Yeah, it’s not really working though,” Yuta laughs. “Oh, I bought you something.” He reaches for the bag which Jaehyun hands over with ease. “It’s not much but I hope you’ll like it.”

Yuta takes out the small box the two bracelets were kept in and shows it to Jaehyun proudly. Jaehyun stares intently at the box, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “This is quite heart-fluttering, you know? Will you get down on one knee for me?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Yuta laughs before opening the small box up. Jaehyun’s eyes shine when he catches sight of the two silver strips that sit inside the box. “They have our names on them. It’s a little corny and I’m a little embarrassed now, but I still hope you’re not too disappointed.”

“Are you kidding?” Jaehyun asks, his tone breathy and awestruck. When Yuta looks at Jaehyun, he almost sees stars sparkling in his eyes as he slowly reaches for the bracelet. “I love them. Hell, I love you.”

Yuta exhales in relief. “I’m glad you like them, then. Do you want to put it on or should I keep them away again?”

“I want this one,” Jaehyun mumbles, and to Yuta’s surprise, he reaches for the bracelet with charms that spell his name, rather than his own. “You should’ve gotten two Yutas.”

“Why would you want it?” Yuta asks, confused. “I’d have thought you’d want the one that spells your own name out.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun laughs. “Can I have it? Do you mind?”

“I don’t, if you want them both you can have them,” Yuta replies, when he looks up, the bracelet with his name on it has already been taken by Jaehyun. Without much of a struggle, he locks the clasps of the bracelet and holds his hand up to the sky, examining it.

“I love it,” he mumbles, turning his wrist to look at it from a different angle. The puff that escapes his lips with his words is heavier than usual, warmer than usual. He lowers his hand and reaches for the other bracelet, bending down simultaneously to look at it shine in the box. Gingerly, he picks it up, and Yuta realises with a start that Jaehyun has grabbed his hand. Quietly, he tugs Yuta’s sleeve and places the cold metal on his wrist, fastening it securely. “It’s more fun this way, don’t you agree?”

Yuta looks at his wrist, proudly displaying Jaehyun’s name. His lip trembles slightly as he nods in response to his friend. “I can get used to this.” A blush creeps on his face as he blinks at the bracelet.

Jaehyun smiles, bringing Yuta’s hand up and pressing a light kiss on his knuckles. He looks back up and makes eye contact with Yuta, before breaking out into a dazzling smile that has Yuta’s heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He waves up his wrist. “This means I’m yours now, and you’re mine.”

Yuta smiles in return, feeling the erratic beating of his heart calm into a slow, familiar rhythm. “I think we’ve always been.”

Jaehyun’s mischievous eyes soften as he locks their fingers together. “We should go.”

The walk down the many blocks between Johnny and Yuta’s houses is quiet, Jaehyun’s palm warm against his as Yuta kicks small pebbles on the sidewalk away. Jaehyun, on the other hand, crunches every leaf he can see within foot’s reach under the sole of his boot. It’s calmly destructive, in a way that’s been unique to them all their lives. Yuta sighs contentedly as he looks up at the sky. 

“Something on your mind?” Jaehyun asks, raising an eyebrow as he steps on another dead leaf. It splits in half beneath his weight. 

“Not really,” Yuta replies, starting to swing their arms between them. “What about you? How was practice?”

“Uneventful,” Jaehyun replies, tone flat. “It would’ve been better if you were there.”

Yuta grins. “Now that I’ve been invited to a real game, I cannot think of a reason to show up to all your practice sessions anymore.”

Jaehyun’s grip around his hand tightens. “I have a reason for you,” he mumbles. “Don’t you want to see me more?”

Yuta doesn’t bother to reply, instead reaching over with his free hand and flicking Jaehyun on the forehead. Jaehyun yelps, even if the pressure Yuta applied wasn’t strong, and turns to him pouting. “You’re evil.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Yuta,” Jaehyun says, his voice low. Around them, the sky begins to darken overhead as the sun disappears behind the skyline. Yuta looks to meet Jaehyun’s eyes and sees them shining with the colours of the sunset. His stomach stirs uncomfortably at the sight. “Are you happy now?”

Yuta freezes, wondering if it’s the effect of the biting winds that begin to envelop them or if it’s Jaehyun’s words, painfully warm that Yuta feels too far from him, cold in the distance between. The tension between them spikes, obvious to both of them as Yuta struggles for an answer.

Is he happy now? It’s a complicated question, because while being with his friends makes him happy, he knows the feeling won’t last. He knows, with a sinking feeling in his chest, that once he’s alone again, his answer to Jaehyun would be an easy no. But if the question regards only right _now,_ with his fingers intertwined with Jaehyun’s and the metal on his wrist warming up through contact with his skin. He thinks he is, just for right now.

“I don’t know for sure,” Yuta replies, glancing up at the sky so he can’t watch Jaehyun’s expression. “I just know that I’m happy at this moment. I don’t know if it’ll last, but I’m happy like this, with you.”

Jaehyun pulls him into a hug before he can register what’s going on. He feels his friend’s face pressed on his shoulder, even through the material of his new jacket, as he burrows deeper against Yuta. “I want you to be happy, I don’t care if it’s with or without me anymore.” His voice is muffled, and it doesn’t stop Yuta’s heart from beating into overdrive.

“I care,” Yuta replies, realising that his voice is equally muffled, like he speaks through a thick scarf and not directly into the cold air. “I want you to be with me.” He pushes Jaehyun away from him, grabbing him by the shoulders and making eye contact with him. Yuta can see his future. “I've never been so sure about anything.”

He moves his hands to the side of Jaehyun’s head and pulls him down, pressing his lips to Jaehyun’s forehead and promptly cutting off the yelp that escapes Jaehyun’s mouth. When Yuta pushes him back to an upright position, Jaehyun is staring at him with wide eyes. Yuta thinks that even the moon could never rival Jaehyun’s eyes, that Jaehyun’s eyes have always been something he loved to look at. Jaehyun reaches up, his fingers lightly grazing his forehead, like he can’t quite comprehend what just happened. 

“I should get home soon,” Yuta says nervously, checking his phone for the time. It’s ten minutes to his curfew and they’re still four blocks away. “I should probably run.” 

Jaehyun shakes his head, finally seeming to have snapped out of his trance. “I’ll come with you. Let’s go.”

+

Jaehyun is faster than him, by a lot. Yuta supposes it’s not something to be surprised by, considering Jaehyun does a sport and Yuta doesn’t. Still, he thinks.

“Catch up slowpoke!” Jaehyun shouts from meters ahead of him as Yuta pants desperately, not used to running at this speed. With Taeyong, their runs are closer to being jogs, neither of them particularly active. In another life, Yuta would’ve never been made to quit soccer all those years ago, and he wouldn’t have any problem keeping up with Jaehyun now.

Yuta, feeling himself hit his own limit, stops abruptly and reaches for a lamp post. He holds onto the cold metal tightly, panting desperately for air. Despite the chilling air around him, he feels himself burn up. Ahead, Jaehyun stops as well, turning back and jogging up to him.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks, placing a comforting hand just below the base of Yuta’s neck as he breathes heavily. He doesn’t reply and Jaehyun begins to pat him. When he looks up, he’s met with Jaehyun’s bright eyes full of worry. He kneels down in front of Yuta with his back turned to him. “Get on, I’ll carry you home.”

“You don’t have to, I’ll be fine,” Yuta says, feeling his head slowly clear up. Jaehyun stays on the floor and Yuta soon realises that he won’t accept no as an answer. He climbs on slowly, hoping he doesn’t weigh too much and takes the bag from Jaehyun. 

“Sorry for making you run like that,” Jaehyun says as he hoists Yuta up. “You getting hurt is one of my biggest fears.”

He carries Yuta home in silence, neither bothering to check the time anymore. It doesn’t matter, Yuta thinks, he could be an eternity late with Jaehyun and none of it would ever matter nearly as much as the boy Yuta cares for so dearly.

When they reach his home, all the lights are off. It’s strange, Yuta had expected the windows of the living room to be illuminated, he had expected to find his mother sitting on one of the chairs in the room, stern and disappointed. Yuta checks the time, it’s ten minutes past his curfew.

“This is odd,” Yuta mumbles. Jaehyun’s grip on his legs tighten as they slowly make their way up to the front door. “Where is she?”

“If she’s gone, we could always run away together,” Jaehyun jokes, but Yuta can sense the guarded tone of his voice. He sets Yuta down on the doorstep and waits expectantly for Yuta to open the door. Yuta fishes out his keys from his pocket and unlocks the door, slowly opening it. 

Inside, it’s dead silent. Yuta quietly enters and without having to say a word, Jaehyun follows him in. They take off their shoes and leave them by the entrance as Yuta turns on the lights.

“This is creepy,” Yuta remarks. “What if someone broke in and killed them and I find their bodies in a few days?”

“I’m sure that’s not it,” Jaehyun snorts, large hand landing on Yuta’s head and ruffling his hair. Yuta looks up to face his friend and finds his expression full of adoration. Yuta smiles awkwardly at him. “I’ll stay with you tonight, then.”

“You really don’t have to,” Yuta replies, feeling his spirit drop with every word that leaves his mouth. It all leaves his jaw feeling stiff, his tongue dry, and Yuta realises that he wants him to stay. He really does.

He never wants Jaehyun to leave again.

Jaehyun frowns at him. “You don’t want me here? It’s fine if you don’t, I’ll go home then.”

“No,” Yuta says sharply, startling his friend. “Stay, please.”

Jaehyun looks at him, the same adoration that Yuta’s begun growing used to seeing shines in his eyes. He slowly begins to smile, and once he does, it quickly turns into a grin. “I’ll stay with you forever if you asked me to.”

“Then do,” Yuta mumbles in response. “Because that’s how long I want you for.”

+

“Yuta, smile,” Jaehyun says, holding his phone up. Yuta throws up a peace sign and smiles as Jaehyun’s phone captures the photo. Jaehyun stares at his phone with a smile that reaches his eyes, his dimples digging into his soft skin as he taps the screen. “Should I send it to you?”

“Yeah,” Yuta replies, taking out his own phone and opening the camera app on it. “Jae, come here.” He pats the ground beside him and Jaehyun crawls over. He’s dressed in Yuta’s sleepwear that’s a little too short for him, riding up on his stomach. It fits him just fine otherwise.

When Jaehyun reaches the place, Yuta throws his arm around his shoulder, pulling his head close as he holds the phone up. Yuta takes a picture of them and saves it on his phone. As he tries to pull away, Jaehyun reaches up and grabs his hand, holding it down against his chest. 

“Just a little longer,” Jaehyun says quietly, his thumbs absentmindedly rub along the back of Yuta’s hand. “I want the photo.”

“Okay,” Yuta replies, clicking on the options on the screen to share the image with Jaehyun. Jaehyun leans over and watches him as he does, smiling brightly when he sees his contact appear on the screen. 

“You kept my contact name,” he says, Yuta doesn’t even have to turn to know he’s beaming beside him, he can hear it in his voice. Oddly, Yuta’s heart flutters at the thought. 

“I promised you, didn’t I?”

Jaehyun looks like he’s about to say something when a vibration from the phone in Yuta’s hand distracts them both. Yuta looks at the screen and finds Johnny spamming him with messages.

**Jyan Cat [20:31]:** dude does taeyong like someone

 **Jyan Cat [20:32]:** he won’t tell me

“Is he dumb?” Jaehyun asks, looking up from Yuta’s screen to scrunch his nose. “It’s so obvious.”

Jaehyun then moves in closer, studying his expression up close. Yuta has to restrain himself from flushing at his sudden proximity. “Then again, maybe he’s not the only one who doesn’t have a clue.”

“What do you mean by that?” Yuta asks.

Jaehyun snorts. “Never mind, Yuyu. You should reply to your friend.”

**Yuta [20:34]:** are u kidding me john

 **Jyan Cat [20:34]:** no 

**Jyan Cat [20:34]:** tell me

 **Yuta [20:35]:** no man… what about the bro code

 **Jyan Cat [20:36]:** what about your bro code with ME????

 **Jyan Cat [20:37]:** anyways wyd

 **Yuta [20:37]:** nothing

Jaehyun takes the phone out of Yuta’s hands. “Hey!” Yuta whines, reaching for his phone. Jaehyun moves it further away from him and clicks the icon beside the send button, opening the camera. “What are you doing?”

Jaehyun sends Johnny the selfie they took together and adds a heart in the caption. 

**Yuta [20:39]:** he’s busy <3

 **Jyan Cat [20:40]:** LOL

 **Jyan Cat [20:40]:** good night then, try to not wake up the neighbourhood ;)

“He is so sleazy,” Yuta complains without much of a bite, snatching his phone back from Jaehyun’s loose fingers. He switches it off and mutes it with a quick flip of the switch on the side, throwing it behind him and hearing the device land on his mattress.

After, they sit in silence, Yuta leaning into Jaehyun’s warmth as he watches water drip from icicles hanging on his window. There will be more snow falling in a few days, if the weather reports are correct. They’re never wrong, not in this town, they're always consistent and correct.

In some ways, it reminds him of Jaehyun. Always consistent, always right. And on further thought, Yuta thinks Jaehyun is the perfect definition of always. 

Jaehyun nods off against him, his dimples prominent even when his eyelids droop heavily. Yuta sighs, feeling him become more like deadweight with every passing second. He stands in his position and Jaehyun wakes immediately with a start. He stares at Yuta with his eyes blown open like he’s seeing him for the first time. “Where are you going?” He asks, sleep almost masking the curiosity that floods his tone.

“Get up,” Yuta mumbles, and when Jaehyun stands on shaky legs, Yuta immediately pushes him down. He lands on Yuta’s bed, making a heavy sound as he lands on the mattress. He looks up at Yuta, his eyes somehow even wider than before. “It’s not good to sleep in the position you were in. You are my guest, so take my bed tonight.”

Yuta is about to lie down on the floor and pass out there when Jaehyun reaches out and grabs his wrist. He doesn’t use a lot of strength, but it holds Yuta in place as he looks back at his friend cautiously. 

“I don’t want you to sleep on the floor either,” he mumbles before tugging Yuta’s wrist. Yuta stumbles and falls unceremoniously on top of Jaehyun. He doesn’t seem bothered by the impact of Yuta’s body, nor with the additional weight that Yuta adds on him. Instead, he hums sleepily and removes his hand holding Yuta’s wrist, moving it down to his lower back and using it to pull Yuta closer. “Your bed is big enough.”

Yuta’s breath hitches audibly and if Jaehyun noticed, he doesn’t mention it, snuggling closer to Yuta. It feels somewhat like his body has been set on fire, their position provides an intimacy that Yuta has never experienced in his life. Even tangled with Taeyong on his tiny single bed hasn’t provided the bubbling feeling that courses through his entire body. 

“Is it okay like this?” Jaehyun asks, his voice muffled, nose squashed into Yuta’s shoulder. He fears that if Jaehyun moved too far down, he’d be able to hear the rapid beating of his heart. He’s also aware that his parents could walk through the front door any time, could catch them in the act of being this close. Yuta knows they’d never be able to accept it, that they would look upon them with disgust for being this close.

And he doesn’t care, because Jaehyun is so warm beside him, embodying everything that Yuta has ever dreamed of. Because Jaehyun is his lost love from so many years ago and Yuta finally, _finally_ has him back. 

When he looks down, he notes that Jaehyun has already drifted off. The hasty pace of his heart calms into a steady beat, like the ocean at night. It’s still, save for a few ripples that remind Yuta he’s alive. He reaches up with his arm that isn't trapped beneath Jaehyun and gently caresses the back of his head, fingers threading through soft hair. It feels perfect, Jaehyun fits against him perfectly, like they were made for each other and only each other.

Yuta’s never heard of it before, a puzzle with only two pieces and no room for anything else. But when he feels Jaehyun subconsciously nestle into his palm, he feels like that’s the only way to describe this. There isn’t room for anyone else, just Jaehyun.

“Good night, Jaehyun,” Yuta mumbles, leaning in and quietly pressing his lips to Jaehyun’s forehead. He doesn’t receive a response, but he sees dimples ghost on his cheek, and he figures that’s enough of a response for now.

+

When Yuta wakes up, they’ve changed positions somewhere through the night. There’s an unbearable weight on his chest that knocks the breath out of him when he wakes with a start. Through his haze of a mind, he notes that Jaehyun is lying on top of him. 

Literal dead weight, Yuta fumes as he tries to get the other off him. It takes half a minute of squirming but eventually, Jaehyun stirs and half his weight disappears as his conscience takes over. “Good morning,” Jaehyun mumbles, faced away from him. 

“Get off me,” Yuta whines, giving him a halfhearted shove. Jaehyun chuckles warmly. He shifts his weight off Yuta by throwing his legs off the mattress and leaving only his upper body above Yuta, caging Yuta between his arms. 

“I said, _good morning,”_ Jaehyun laughs, before leaning in and kissing Yuta’s cheek. “Say it back.”

“Good morning,” Yuta replies curtly. “Don’t you have practice today?”

“I do,” Jaehyun replies. “But I can stay a little longer, for as long as I can.”

“You’re obsessed with me,” Yuta jokes. When Jaehyun doesn’t reply, he looks to meet his eye and finds it again. The strongest look of longing in the world, it makes Yuta’s heart ache.

“Did your parents ever come home?” Jaehyun asks, avoiding answering Yuta properly. His eyes dart around the plain-walled room, trying to find anything of interest to stare at. In the end, Yuta finds him staring right back at him. 

Yuta shrugs, it’s uncomfortable because his shoulder knocks against Jaehyun’s wrist, but it doesn’t even really matter. “I don’t want to think about them right now.”

Jaehyun tilts his head and the angle is funny, but even so, he still looks as breathtakingly captivating as he always does. His face is perfectly framed by the light that passes through Yuta’s windows, every inch of him is so stunning that Yuta almost has to look away, overwhelmed. “Then what do you want to think about?” 

Yuta steels himself. “You. Just you. Just for now.” 

He watches in awe as Jaehyun’s cheeks break out into a beautiful shade of pink, a colour that makes him almost look like he’s glowing within the confines of Yuta’s room. “I want to think about you too. I always do.” His voice shakes, Yuta doesn’t doubt the sincerity of his words at all.

“Then let’s compromise,” Yuta suggests, watching Jaehyun raise an eyebrow, prompting him to continue.

“We can think about us, just for now.”

The pink on Jaehyun’s cheeks turns red.

“I’d like that.” He lowers himself and burrows his face in the mattress beside Yuta’s head. _This,_ Yuta thinks, is happiness. 

They stay like that until they can’t, until the hour hand on the clock demands Jaehyun’s presence on the court. Yuta walks him down and finds both his parents, for a change, sitting quietly in the living room and staring at him and the guest he didn’t inform them about heading for the front door, wordlessly. 

“Will you be okay?” Jaehyun asks softly, once they’re outside and the door is closed. 

Yuta only shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. I know I’m happy now.”

Jaehyun smiles to mask the worry that previously clouded his features. “Text me if anything, okay?”

Yuta nods and gives Jaehyun a hug before watching him disappear down the street. When he walks back into his house, he finds his parents still staring at him, expressions blank.

“Yuta,” his mother says, her tone low and warning. 

“Yes?” Yuta replies sharply, raising his voice slightly as he looks back at them. The pair stare at him in dumbfounded surprise. 

When they don’t respond for half a minute that seems to bleed into a small eternity, Yuta heads for the stairs without sparing them another glance.

Something twists inside his chest, it’s a pleasant feeling, he thinks as he walks up the stairs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took 20 years I'm so sorry I got addicted to this game and then to this TV show and then to another game and then I got distracted with other stuff and anyways LMAO sorry


	13. Chapter 13

“Your birthday is coming up,” Yuta says, kicking his legs into the air to go higher on the swing set. His small hands grab the chains by his side to keep himself from flying off. “What should I get you, Jae?”

Jaehyun kicks himself off the ground, clearly aiming to go even higher than Yuta. It probably won’t be hard, because Jaehyun has always been built stronger than Yuta could even dream of being.

“I don’t want anything in particular,” Jaehyun shouts back, the wind blowing through his voice. When Yuta glances to his side, he sees such a carefree spirit, eyes squeezed shut and mouth open as he laughs, delighted at the rush of air that passes by him as he swings higher.

Yuta is fond, so fond. He wants to see Jaehyun like this forever. 

Forever doesn’t last long, Jaehyun comes down when he grows too tired to keep himself suspended meters above the ground. He pants, not without a grin on his face, as he clutches the chains of the swing between his hand and turns to Yuta.

“I don’t need anything, not from you. I’m happy just spending time with you,” Jaehyun admits shyly, days away from twelve. They used to talk about what they’d do when they reached thirteen, the suffix _-teen_ behind the number a huge deal to them both. Jaehyun wanted to watch movies without adult supervision, and _Yuta?_ Yuta just wanted to be with him.

He could never admit that to him, though, so he had lied and told his friend he wanted to order off the adult menu at the restaurant they frequented together and eat something other than dinosaur-shaped nuggets and ketchup. 

“That won’t do,” Yuta says, a frown gracing his features as he glances up at the pale blue sky overhead. “You got me such a pretty keychain on mine.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun says, seemingly pondering on his possibilities. “Then why don’t we meet on my birthday, I’ll tell you what I want on the day itself and you can decide if you want to give it to me or not.”

Yuta, satisfied with that answer and absolutely sure he can provide whatever it is Jaehyun wants, nods enthusiastically. 

+

Yuta shakes his head as his thumb traces over the pattern of the faded keychain he holds between his fingers. It’s been so many years since he received it from a blushing child that he had once adored more than anything in the universe.

He still does, he thinks, rubbing the small dents the keychain had accumulated over the years. Except, Jaehyun isn’t a child anymore and when he looks at Yuta, his eyes are no longer as clear as water and as easy to read as a children’s picture book. Now, they’re shrouded and there’s something in them Yuta can no longer read.

He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him, to think so extensively about the pain of the past, but when Yuta closes his eyes and lets the keychain fall out of his fingers and hit the floor beneath him quietly, all he can see is the image of Jaehyun. The last image of him before everything got complicated and Yuta ended with his heart shattered beyond repair.

It was beyond repair, until Jaehyun had weaselled his way back into Yuta’s life and had quietly filled the hole his absence left all those years ago. Yuta realises, with something that feels terribly like a firework exploding in his chest, that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. 

He glances up at his desk, his half-done biology work sitting pitifully on the table, abandoned when he had caught sight of the keychain poking out from his bag. Now distracted, he can’t bring himself to focus on the endless pages of science sitting expectantly on his table. “What am I doing?” He groans, hand reaching for the back of his head to thread his fingers through the thick hair behind. Cold metal hits him with the raise of his hand.

He pulls his hand away and stares blankly down at the band around his wrist, Jaehyun’s name hanging off a simple bracelet. The cold turns to heat in Yuta’s stomach, he’s never felt anything like it. It feels like a balloon of want lodged in his chest, slowly expanding within him. Uncomfortable, almost unbearable, Yuta wonders when it’ll burst.

When it pops, will the spark fizzle out quietly or will it fill every inch of him? Will he still feel everything he does? He traces the J on his bracelet and wonders if it’s possible to miss someone he still has in his life this badly. 

Yuta knows he misses Jaehyun because he fears every meeting with him to be his last, that one day, Jaehyun could decide he doesn’t want anything else to do with him. One day, Jaehyun could run off, far away like he did all those years ago. One day, Jaehyun could find someone he would want to spend all his time with and Yuta would lose his place in his life.

Yuta’s chest feels hollow, like it’s been shot through as he looks up at his ceiling, leaning against his bed frame. Jaehyun could tell him everything about wanting him forever, but it wouldn’t matter in the end, because he’d heard those exact words from him so many years ago.

And in the end, Jaehyun had still left him, broken his heart and disappeared. Yuta, who had grown up joint to him at the hip, had felt an emptiness and loneliness he had never experienced before. It was only amplified when he had turned to his right to tell Jaehyun something, only to realise that he wasn’t there anymore.

+

**Doyoung [14:33]:** i saw jaehyun’s bracelet today

 **Doyoung [14:34]:** he was practically gushing, you should’ve seen his face while he talked about it

 **Doyoung [14:35]:** it’s a really thoughtful gift, i have to say. 

**Yuta [14:40]:** is that so? i’m glad he likes it

 **Doyoung [14:41]:** lol johnny actually told me how stressed you were about it 

**Doyoung [14:43]:** couple bracelets with the other’s name on it. i have to say, you've truly outdone yourself

 **Yuta [14:44]:** you think so?

 **Doyoung [14:45]:** jaehyun loves it so much, yukhei told me he’s been bragging about it every day the team is starting to get sick of him

 **Yuta [14:46]:** i’ve been sick of him for years. catch up!

 **Doyoung [14:47]:** sure yuta i believe you

 **Doyoung [14:48]:** you’re coming to the game tomorrow, right?

 **Yuta [14:48]:** yeah

 **Doyoung [14:49]:** meet me before the game starts, there’s something i have to give you 

**Doyoung [14:50]:** and by the way

 **Doyoung [14:50]:** jaehyun loves flowers

+

“Tennie.” Yuta says his nickname like a greeting the following day as he steps into the shop. Yuta had been waiting outside the shop for it to open since fifteen minutes prior. “Working hard as usual, I see.”

Ten looks up from the floral arrangement in front of him, scrunching his nose. “I told you to stop calling me that.” He smiles after that, reaching over and awkwardly patting Yuta’s shoulder across the counter. “Can I help you today? It’s rare for you to drop by.”

“I know,” Yuta says, mirroring Ten’s smile. They’ve known each other for a while, Ten is a friend from his first year of middle school who Yuta had grown close to in classes he didn’t share with Johnny or Taeyong. Yuta’s partner in both the science lab and the kitchen, Ten had ensured the kitchen wouldn’t blow up during nutrition class while Yuta cleaned up after his chemical spillage in biology. “Can’t I visit my friend? It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

“Cut the bullshit with me, Na Yuta,” Ten teases, moving the floral arrangement out of his way to lean over the counter, close up to Yuta. “You don’t talk to me much, I’m hurt. Showing up here must mean you want something from me.”

He reaches out and plants a gentle hand on Yuta’s cheek, rubbing his skin with his thumb and a tender expression. It’s just like the past, Yuta thinks, Ten’s always been touchy, and he blushes under his fingers. “It’s that easy to see through me, huh?” He balls his fist and slides it into the pocket of one of the jackets Jaehyun had paid for. “It’s been a long time, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ten says flippantly, removing his hand from Yuta’s face to wave it nonchalantly. “Just text me more in the future, I miss you, the shitheads at my school are crazy.”

“Well, I did warn you art school was full of absolute terrors,” Yuta laughs, realising how much he’d missed this sort of conversation with Ten. “You still transferred anyway.”

“Of course, I should’ve listened,” Ten says fondly, indulging in Yuta’s teasing. “So, how may I help you? You’re my only customer at the moment, so I’m sure my boss won’t mind me serving you only.”

“Your boss is literally your father, Ten,” Yuta points out, met by a cheshire cat smile from Ten. “I need flowers for someone.”

“Oh?” Ten gasps, hand to his lip and eyes wide as he looks at Yuta. He grins. “Did you get yourself a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Boyfriend, then?” Ten asks, raising an eyebrow. Yuta’s face heats up at the memory of Taeyong calling Jaehyun his boyfriend right in front of him. 

“No,” Yuta replies, voice quiet, and if Ten’s eyebrow could go any higher, it surely would. “Tennie, I’ve told you about Jaehyun before, haven’t I?” 

“Jaehyun?” Ten asks, rolling his eyes back as he thinks. It seems to hit him when his eyes light up, and then he freezes. “The boy you were in love with? The one who broke your heart?”

“I wouldn’t say I was in love,” Yuta says softly, watching a sympathetic look cloud Ten’s features. “But yes, it’s him. I need flowers for his basketball match.”

“Baby, anyone could tell you were in love with him just from the way you spoke about him,” Ten sighs. Yuta doesn’t reply. “You look happier now than when we last met a year ago, I trust he played a part in that?”

Yuta swallows and then nods. “The biggest part.”

“Okay then.” Ten licks his lips, clearly thinking deeply about something. “I think we can ignore flower meanings, I assume anyone who would dare leave you is a little bit of a bonehead so I’m sure things like this would be lost on him. Let’s focus on what looks good.”

“Thanks, Ten. I’d be lost without you.” Yuta breathes in the pleasant warmth of his friend’s father’s shop as Ten gets to work, thinking about what sort of arrangement would be suitable for someone like Jaehyun.

He ends up with hydrangeas and baby breath, among others he can’t name. The small bouquet is softly coloured, pinks, blues, and whites that blend together and create what Yuta thinks is the perfect shade for Jaehyun.

“Ten, this looks amazing,” Yuta breathes out, fingers fiddling with the delicate petals of one of the flowers. Ten swats his hand away from his work.

“Don’t ruin it before it’s ended up in that guy’s hands.”

“How much would this cost?” Yuta asks, reaching into his pocket to pull out his wallet when Ten stops him. 

“Relax, it’s on me,” he says, forcing Yuta’s arm down. “I still owe you a favour for how much you helped me when we were thirteen, consider this my debt repayment.”

“Tennie, you know I can’t accept it,” Yuta mumbles, feeling his cheeks heat up at the reminder of what he and Ten used to get up to on days when Yuta wasn’t hurting and Ten wasn’t too busy doodling in class. 

“Do you have a credit card?” Ten asks and when Yuta shakes his head, he pulls up a sheet of paper and writes _No Cash Payments Accepted_ on it, sticking it onto the top of the register. “It seems you don’t have the means to pay at all. So you better grab it and run before I realise you haven’t paid.”

Yuta, realising Ten isn’t going to back down, decides to accept it. “Thank you, Tennie. Let’s meet up again soon, I’ll treat you to something as a thank you.”

Ten hums and nods, and strangely, Yuta thinks back to the earlier half of their conversation. “By the way, you said something earlier.”

“The thing about you being in love with Jaehyun?” When Ten notices Yuta stiffen, he snorts to himself. “Seems I am right. Alright, what do you want to know?”

“What makes you think I was in love?” Yuta asks, finger tracing the countertop. “I never said anything about that.”

Ten shrugs. “Because I used to be in love with you.” He says it so casually, like he didn’t just drop a block of ice over Yuta’s head. “So I could tell just by you speaking of him that he was the person you loved. You spoke of someone who shattered you with so much fondness, so much love. I knew you were in love with him from that.”

“Are you serious?” Yuta asks, he receives a grim silence from Ten and winces. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, no use apologising for something neither of us could control, right? Besides, I moved on years ago. I’m alright.” Ten grins lopsidedly. “Kinda crazy how you never noticed, though. I thought I was being so obvious.”

+

Yuta replays the last thing Ten said to him before he left the shop in his head multiple times as he walks to where the match is being held. He’s set to meet Doyoung in fifteen minutes and he figures he’ll make it in time so he walks leisurely, the bouquet tucked safely under his arm, protected from the occasional strong wind. 

_Kinda crazy how you never noticed, though. I thought I was being so obvious._

The sentence stands out to Yuta like nothing else. Was Ten obvious? Was Yuta the only one who never noticed? Yuta remembers often teasing Johnny who has always been blind to Taeyong’s feelings, but he wonders how much he himself has missed in the full picture. How many fine details have Yuta’s eyes skimmed over?

“Are you just going to walk past me?” Yuta comes back into focus and finds Doyoung standing beside him, he wears a smirk on his face when he notices Yuta’s finally seen him. “A little distracted, aren't we?”

Doyoung wears a tracksuit with the front zip fully pulled to the top. It must be warmer than it looks, because Doyoung doesn’t look fazed at all. He has a white piece of fabric tucked under his arm, much like the flowers under Yuta’s, which Doyoung seems to notice.

“Hydrangeas,” he mumbles. “Good choice, Jaehyun loves those.” He stops for a moment, pondering. “But I suppose you could give him weeds and he’d still love them all the same.”

“You said you had something to give me?” Yuta prompts, Doyoung’s eyes light up in recognition and he hands Yuta the fabric he carried. Yuta raises a brow and takes it into his hands, unfolding it and raising it up to get a look at it. 

The first thing he sees is Jaehyun’s name printed in bold lettering, the number 04 is even larger, under his name. Yuta realises he’s holding a jersey when he sees the shape of the cloth. “You gave me Jaehyun’s jersey? What for?”

“It’s a tradition on the team for the people the team invited to wear the jersey of the member they came to support,” Doyoung says with a shrug. “Don’t ask me, this tradition existed long before Jaehyun and I even joined the team.”

“I see,” Yuta replies slowly. “I’m supposed to wear this. Okay, I can do that. Can you hold this?” He hands Doyoung the flowers.

Yuta heads to a bathroom and locks a stall, hanging his jacket on the hook on the door. He looks down at himself before taking his tshirt off and wearing the jersey on in its place. He folds his tshirt neatly and places it into the small bag he brought along before taking his jacket off the hooks. He opens the door and is immediately met with his own reflection in the mirror. 

Jaehyun’s jersey touches his midthigh, the words Neo Tech are printed on the front in the same font Yuta knows his name on the back is written in. It looks so wrong on him, but so right at the same time, and Yuta thinks that he wouldn’t mind wearing it forever. On his wrist, his bracelet shines under the harsh bathroom lights. Yuta slips his jacket back on and heads out of the room, sneaking one last glance at himself in the mirror.

Once outside, he’s met by Doyoung, still holding onto his flowers, much to Yuta’s relief. Doyoung eyes him judgmentally, scanning him from head to toe before letting out a satisfied sound. “You look perfect, Jaehyun will lose his mind. Let’s go in, then.”

“Doyoung, shouldn’t you be in the court though? What are you doing out here?” Yuta asks, suddenly realising that as the manager, Doyoung should’ve headed in a long time ago.

“Xiaojun will be taking my place as the main manager after we graduate, Jaehyun thought it’d be good for him to demonstrate his capability today,” Doyoung explains, stretching his arms across his back. “A break for me, I’d never complain.”

“I see,” Yuta replies. “Well, let’s go then.”

+

  
  


Yuta spots Jaehyun sitting on the bench by the side of the playing ground, legs parted as he drinks water from a plastic bottle. He sets Jaehyun’s flowers carefully on his seat in the stands, marked with a sheet of paper pasted onto the backrest, _Jaehyun guest #1,_ before making his way to the railings, leaning over.

Jaehyun notices him before Yuta can try to call out, smiling brightly and waving at him from the bench. Yuta grins, straightening his back out before returning the wave and watches as Jaehyun squints at him. He mouths something that Yuta doesn’t quite catch before the game officials blow a whistle and he turns his attention back to his team.

Beside him, Jungwoo slides into his seat. “Fancy seeing you here, President,” he greets, extending his hand. Yuta takes it into his own, holding it gently like they’ve done in many debate club meetings. “I’ve come to so many of Jaehyun’s matches, is this your first?”

Yuta nods and turns in his seat to get a better angle to converse with Jungwoo in. The first thing he notices is that Jungwoo isn’t wearing Jaehyun’s jersey. He points at Jungwoo’s chest and is about to ask when he suddenly realises that the person beside Jungwoo doesn’t sport a jersey either. He looks around and finds that he’s the only one. 

Jungwoo looks at his raised finger in confusion, following the edge to his own chest before looking at Yuta’s. Yuta is quick to tug onto the cloth beside the zippers of his jacket to pull them over the jersey in confused embarrassment, Jungwoo is even faster to move and stop him from doing so. He pries Yuta’s hands away from the center of his chest and gawks at the jersey. “What are you wearing? Is that Jaehyun’s?” He asks in disbelief.

“Doyoung,” Yuta replies in a shaky voice as Jungwoo continues to scrutinise him. “Doyoung told me it was a team tradition.”

Jungwoo purses his lips to avoid bursting into laughter. “Doyoung is a dirty liar, Jaehyun will love this!”

Yuta scrambles for his bag with his normal shirt tucked inside, feeling his cheeks burn as he searches for it. “I can still change, it’s not too late.”

Jungwoo reaches for his hand and places his palm over the back of it, fingers drumming on Yuta to calm him down. It’s an age-old technique they use with each other on particularly nerve-wracking debate competitions. Yuta hasn’t felt it since half a year ago, at the last debate competition they’d participate in before handing the torch to their younger members. “You don’t want to miss his game, do you?” 

Yuta looks over to the court and sees Jaehyun walking to his position and lord, the Yuta from months ago would have walked out without a care. The Yuta from months ago wouldn’t even be there. Something stirs in his gut when he makes eye contact with Jaehyun, who seems to have been looking in his direction the whole time, and is met with a smile that could stop time.

At least, Yuta feels like his time has been stopped.

He makes himself comfortable in his seat again, ignoring the final shred of dignity in his brain begging him to just get up and leave. Nevermind what he’ll have to deal with later when Jaehyun finds out, nevermind how terribly he wishes to kill Doyoung. He can’t miss the game, he can’t let Jaehyun down.

Honestly, Yuta doesn’t remember much of the game, never having a keen eye for basketball. All he remembers is that Jaehyun looks magnificent, he practically flies across the court and scores with ease. Yuta waits for the people around him to cheer before he starts to cheer, worried that he might accidentally cheer for a foul.

That’s apparently, however, not an issue when Jaehyun is the team ace. He makes no mistakes and Yuta finds himself captivated watching him play. He wants to meet Jaehyun later and shower him with endless praise for his performance on the court, but he knows that once he sees Jaehyun, he’ll clam up with nothing to say.

“He’s good, isn’t he?” Jungwoo asks during half-time, when Jaehyun’s back is turned to them, busy discussing things with his team. Yuta spots Yukhei switching out with someone he vaguely remembers playing on the courts. 

He turns to Jungwoo, nodding. “There isn’t really anything that Jeong Jaehyun isn't good at.”

Jungwoo raises his index finger on his right hand and points it to Yuta. “One thing,” he says matter-of-factly, continuing to point at Yuta. “He’s never been able to get you.”

Jungwoo’s eyes flicker down to Yuta’s wrist, to the bouquet that rests on the empty seat beside him, to Yuta’s chest which proudly displays the school’s name on it. His lip tilts upwards. “Though, I suppose he's almost there.”

Yuta wants to ask him what he means when the game officials blow another whistle, signalling the start of the second half of the game. Yuta puts off asking for later, instead scanning the court for the boy he had come to watch. Jaehyun stands proudly near the center, and even that’s enough to give Yuta butterflies. 

The second half flies by just as fast as the first, Yuta watches Jaehyun and Yukhei easily pass the ball amongst each other, leagues better than everyone else on both teams. He watches Jaehyun score goals like an absolute monster on the court, and Yuta thinks he may be a little enamoured by how much talent Jaehyun shows off on playing grounds. 

Jaehyun looks good, attractive in his jersey and basketball shorts. Even from a distance, Yuta can feel the energy Jaehyun gives off. Powerful, commanding, as a captain should be. 

Beautiful, as Jaehyun should be, as Jaehyun has always been.

Yuta notes to himself that when Jaehyun scores the winning goal, he isn’t so much staring at the scoreboard or at the net than he is at Jaehyun. Jaehyun collapses immediately after and Yuta panics, standing from his seat in an attempt to rush down to see him, when an iron grip around his wrist stops him. He looks frantically at Jungwoo.

“Relax, President. He does this every match, he’s just annoying.” Yuta turns his attention back to the court, where Yukhei has started dragging a limp Jaehyun around, laughing loudly as the rest of their team looks at him affectionately. 

“Well, we should head down too.” Yuta whips around at the familiar voice and finds Doyoung leaning on the armrest of a seat in the row behind them. Doyoung grins. “It’s been well over an hour, I’d say what I’ve done is water under the bridge now?”

“I’ll kill you,” Yuta mumbles, he’s met immediately by a chuckle from Doyoung.

“You say that, but I don’t see you rushing to change.” He wears a smirk, it makes him look terrifying, but Doyoung is really good looking at the same time.

“So, winning this means they’re advancing to the actual competition right?” Yuta asks cluelessly. He had played basketball in gym class many years ago, when Jaehyun was still in his class. Jaehyun had fallen in love with the sport, joined the team shortly after and tried to convince Yuta to join it with him. Yuta had refused, thinking it a waste of time that could be spent reading through his notes once more.

He regrets it, in a way, and wishes he could’ve spent more time with Jaehyun before losing him for the next few years.

“Yeah,” Doyoung replies. “It was expected, but I know the team will still want to celebrate.”

“Jaehyun would rather celebrate with Yuta,” Jungwoo points out and Doyoung chuckles, his laugh is heavy but Yuta tries not to dwell on it. Being squished between two people of equal height to Jaehyun does nothing for Yuta’s ego, feeling so much smaller than he usually does.

When they make it down to the court, he spots Jaehyun conversing with the game officials and another student. Judging by his similar outfit to Doyoung, Yuta assumes it’s Xiaojun, the next manager of the team. Yuta waits for them to finish their conversation before approaching Jaehyun quietly. Jungwoo runs up to him before Yuta can.

“Hyun, you told me to hold onto this for you,” Jungwoo says, holding out a familiar-looking piece of silver. Yuta’s heart skips a beat when he realises it’s their bracelet. Jaehyun smiles and thanks Jungwoo, clipping it back around his wrist before looking up and seeing Yuta. His smile grows.

Jaehyun bounds up to him like an excited puppy. “You came.” 

Yuta hands him the flowers. “Congratulations,” he breathes out. “I’m glad I didn’t miss it.”

Jaehyun stares at the bouquet, eyes blown wide as he reaches for them. “You got this for me?” He sounds so touched that it almost drives Yuta crazy, he doesn’t give Jaehyun a proper response, nodding softly and averting his gaze. “Hydrangeas are my favourite, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Yuta replies, trying to force his body to calm down. He doesn’t even know when it started happening, but now he feels like he can’t act as he always has around the other. He lets his hand drop from where it once reached across his chest and held his other shoulder. Jaehyun’s eyes widen even further.

He reaches out with a shaky hand and grabs the collar of Yuta’s jacket, pulling it down his shoulders. Yuta sees his name on the metal around Jaehyun’s wrist as he does so, following along with Jaehyun’s gentle tugs without putting up much of a fight to resist.

“This is mine,” he says slowly, voice cracking. He sounds awestruck as he traces the lettering of his own name on Yuta’s back. “You’re wearing my name on your back.”

“Doyoung tricked me,” Yuta admits, turning to the left to give Jaehyun easier access to his back. He can’t see Jaehyun’s face, but he can feel a subtle change in the pressure when Yuta says that. “It’s a little embarrassing, but it’s alright.”

He sneaks a glance at Jaehyun and sees a dejected expression fall on his face, it’s gone so fast that Yuta thinks he could’ve imagined it. Jaehyun grins. “If it’s that embarrassing, you can take it off. I’ll watch.”

It takes a second too long for Yuta to process his words, when he does, he feels his ears heat up. “Weird,” he mumbles, trying to mask the pathetic way his heart skipped a beat. “You're so weird, Jeong Jaehyun.”

He flashes Yuta a smile that reminds Yuta too much of their youth, if not for the guarded look in Jaehyun’s eyes, like he’s worried Yuta might see right through him. Yuta is about to say something, he doesn’t know what but he figures he’ll know when his words leave his lips. 

“Captain.” Yukhei’s voice interrupts him before he can speak and Yuta clams his mouth shut. Jaehyun looks back to view Yukhei properly. “Some of the guys on the team aren’t feeling well, so we figured we’d postpone our celebratory lunch to another day.”

“What a shame,” Jaehyun says, his fingers drumming along the collar of Yuta’s- his own?- jersey. “Yukhei, send them my well wishes for me.”

Yukhei playfully salutes. “Will do, captain.” 

When Yukhei leaves, Yuta looks around and realises most of the stadium has cleared out too. Doyoung and Jungwoo seem to have vanished into thin air, the space they occupied before empty. 

“Do you want to get lunch with me?” Jaehyun asks, leaning a fraction of his weight on Yuta’s shoulder. He’s so close that Yuta can feel his breathing against his ear, it’s both nerve-wracking and comfortable at the same time. “Of course, I’ll pay.”

Yuta shrugs his free shoulder, the one Jaehyun doesn’t rest on. He smells like sweat and some menthol muscle tape that Yuta knows is quite popular, according to Johnny anyway. It would be a rancid smell on anyone else, but Yuta thinks it’s not so bad because it’s Jaehyun. “Sure, I’d like to.”

Jaehyun side-eyes him. “Do you want to get changed first? You said it’s embarrassing, right?”

“No,” Yuta replies, he sees surprise colour Jaehyun’s features. “It’s a bit embarrassing for you to see it, I don’t care about what other people think, and you’ve already seen it.”

“Besides,” Yuta adds, his voice growing quieter against his own wishes. “Wearing your name, I like it.” He raises his hand and shows Jaehyun the metal clipped around it. 

“It will be your fault if I die early,” Jaehyun mumbles in response, leaning a little closer into Yuta. His neck feels warm, brushing against Yuta’s. He brings up his own arm and shows Yuta the matching silver that adorns him. “I feel the same way.”

+

“You like this place too much,” Yuta states as Jaehyun holds the door open for him. The familiar colourful walls greet him, he hasn’t been here since the last time Jaehyun had brought him. 

“You do too, don’t get snappy,” Jaehyun laughs, ushering him into the restaurant with his free hand. Yuta allows Jaehyun to shuffle him around, not resisting his gentle pushes.

“How many times have you come here since we were kids, anyway?” Yuta asks, it’s a rhetorical question that he doesn’t expect an answer for. Jaehyun quietens, seemingly stopping to think, and Yuta looks back at him. 

“I came here a lot,” Jaehyun replies softly, offering his hand out for Yuta to hold. He takes it and feels how warm it is against his own. “I came here because I missed you, and this was one of the places we always came to together. But eventually, maybe two or three years ago, I stopped.” 

Jaehyun speaks like his heart is caught in his throat, Yuta would know, because even now he can feel his heartbeat heavy in his neck. “Why did you stop?” He doesn’t know if the question makes it easier or harder for Jaehyun, his deep sigh shows nothing.

“It felt wrong to come to our places without you,” Jaehyun replies, he walks over to a vacant table and pulls out the seat. He doesn’t sit, staring at Yuta expectantly. It takes Yuta a while for Jaehyun’s actions to register with him. “Sit down, Yuu.”

_Our places,_ Yuta thinks. Does it really mean so much to Jaehyun, for him to brand areas he’s free to come to on his own as their places. Yuta can feel butterflies in his stomach as he takes a seat on the chair Jaehyun pulled out for him. Jaehyun smiles warmly at him, tapping on his shoulder before walking over to the other side of the table and sitting down. Yuta can only feel the gentle flap of the butterflies’ wings turn into a mini hurricane within him. He fishes for something to say, something to add to the conversation. He finds nothing, and settles for a messy stumble of his words that he hopes conveys how he feels well.

“I’m happy we’re here now.” He watches the crinkles near Jaehyun’s eyes as he smiles, too genuine for Yuta to even think there’s something deeper behind them, too real to make Yuta worry.

What is he so worried for? This is Jaehyun, whom he’s known all his life, and yet, Yuta feels his stomach swirl nervously at the sight of the perfect person seated before him.

Mrs Park, the owner of the restaurant, comes barrelling out of the kitchen. “Jaehyun, Yuta!” She calls out, and Yuta watches Jaehyun sigh to himself as the woman goes up to him.

She pinches his cheek again, the soft skin rolling between her fingers as Jaehyun whines. “Do you always have to do this?” His voice sounds strange with his cheek being pulled the way it is, Yuta feels impossibly fond.

“Yes, of course,” Mrs Park replies, matter-of-factly and leaving no room for a debate from Jaehyun. She then releases him, turning to Yuta and patting his head. “Welcome back, what are you two doing here today?”

“My team won our basketball game,” Jaehyun brags, sneaking glances at Yuta. “He came to watch me, so I dragged him here to celebrate with me.” 

“Don’t you normally celebrate with your team?” Mrs Park laughs, an amused expression on her normally kind face. “In any case, I won’t refuse more customers.” 

She hands Jaehyun a menu, and then another to Yuta, grinning to Yuta and mouthing something that Yuta doesn’t quite catch. Which reminds him…

“You mouthed something to me today,” Yuta says, arms crossed over the menu on the table. “Before your game started, I didn’t catch it. What was it?”

Jaehyun smiles, not wide enough for it to look genuinely happy. If anything, he looks upset. “I did.”

“What did you want to say?” Yuta asks again, unnerved by the sudden change of atmosphere around them. He has half the mind to call Mrs Park back and ask if her heating system is fully functional, if the chills running through his body indicate anything.

Jaehyun purses his lips. “I don’t want to be brushed off again,” he replies quietly. “I don’t want further confirmation that it’s one-sided, so drop it.” His voice grows louder towards the end, his tone sounding almost cold. His eyes show fire burning within.

He’s annoyed, because of Yuta. Just like his parents, just like everyone else. He upset Jaehyun, and he doesn’t quite understand why.

Yuta’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, and though he doesn’t want to acknowledge it, hurt, having never been the recipient of Jaehyun’s frustration before. He looks down at the menu under his arms quietly. “Sorry,” he mumbles, not intending for his voice to break the way it does. 

His chest feels funny, like he’d just been punched between his rib cage. It hurts, he thinks, staring at the words on his menu and watching them blur. It really fucking hurts. There aren’t butterflies or feelings of warmth that usually sit deep within him when he’s with Jaehyun, all Yuta can think of is how he’s finally pushed Jaehyun to the limit.

Is this it, then? Yuta wonders if Jaehyun will even want to be around him after they finish this lunch, or if he should even stay around till the end. He could leave now, find someone impartial to his relationship with Jaehyun to hold him until he feels his heart return to the center of his chest, instead of beating desperately on the floor beneath his feet.

Ten would be a good option, or he could run off to Taeyong, who though has his reservations against Jaehyun, would never judge Yuta as he falls apart.

Yuta’s broken out of his thoughts when he feels strong arms wrap around him from behind his chair. He smells Jaehyun’s muscle tape before looking up and seeing an empty seat before him through his clouded vision.

Yuta blinks, and he notices for the first time the hot liquid that drips from the inner corners of his eyelids. He watches as it drips from his chin and lands on the arm wrapped around him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun mumbles, face burrowed into the crook of his neck. He’s so warm, Yuta thinks he could fall asleep just like this, in a restaurant empty enough for Yuta to wonder how Mrs Park could survive here through all these years. “I made you cry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have pried,” Yuta replies quietly, hoping the waver in his voice doesn’t betray him. “I’m sorry too.”

“I told you I’d tell you anything you want to know, didn’t I?” Jaehyun sighs softly. “I’m sorry for not following through with that, and I’m sorry for raising my voice. I knew you’ve never liked that and I did it anyway.”

“I mouthed _I love you,”_ Jaehyun confesses, his tone taking a lighter tone despite the way his voice cracks. “Because the moment I saw you really showed up for me, I felt like saying it, but you were too far from me.”

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better,” Yuta laughs dryly. Jaehyun removes one arm from around his shoulders, using it to pat Yuta on the head, running his fingers through his hair. Yuta can hear Jaehyun breathing, rhythmic and gentle, calming enough for Yuta to release the tension building up in his muscles.

“I’m not lying,” Jaehyun says, his fingers curling locks of Yuta’s hair. He moves his head to the left and plants a kiss on Yuta’s neck. It’s a terribly intimate place, Yuta feels the butterflies that had curled up his stomach earlier awaken, fluttering violently within him. “You are my favourite person, you’ve been since the day I met you.”

“Does this mean you don’t hate me?” Yuta asks, his voice mousey. He’s afraid of the response, afraid of Jaehyun chuckling and asking what gave him that impression. He doesn’t know when it happened, but he knows now that those words which wouldn’t have even mattered to him half a year ago would irreparably break something inside him. 

It’s his heart, he can acknowledge that. He can’t lose Jaehyun again. Ten was right, he was heartbroken upon losing Jaehyun and he’s been for years. Being with Jaehyun now, Yuta thinks the organ is beginning to heal and the cracks are patching up slowly.

If it were to break again, if Jaehyun were to disappear again, Yuta knows the damage would be permanent.

Jaehyun does chuckle lightly, but his words are comforting when he lets Yuta go. “I told you I’ve never hated you, Yuta. I couldn’t even if I tried, and I’d never try.” He pats Yuta on the shoulder reassuringly. “I want you in my life for good, no one else will suffice.”

“If you’re being sincere, then I’m sorry for doubting it.”

Jaehyun heads back to his seat and Yuta immediately misses the weight of his arms around him, his hot breath blowing against his hair. “I’m always sincere.” He smiles, sickeningly sweet as he takes his seat again. “And you don’t have to apologise, I will be the one showing you how much I really adore you.”

Jaehyun’s dimples are like a dream to Yuta as he stares across the table, completely taken by the other’s appearance. “Let’s order,” Jaehyun suggests. “I’m so hungry, I could probably eat you.”

+

“I’m getting my license next week,” Jaehyun says, right hand holding onto Yuta’s flowers as the wind blows through his hair. His left is intertwined with Yuta’s right. They’re walking past a used car dealership, it’s a new route that Yuta’s never taken before, in all his mundane years of living in this town. Jaehyun had insisted on walking Yuta home, citing worry about the earlier setting of the sun and then admitting that he just wanted to walk with Yuta. 

“My parents don’t trust me behind a wheel,” Yuta laughs, trying to not sound miserable. “You’ll have to drive me somewhere one day.”

Jaehyun uses the fingers that don’t clutch his bouquet to readjust the scarf on his neck. “That’s actually why I brought it up.”

Yuta stops walking and turns to him curiously, Jaehyun’s face scrunches up as he exhales, a puff of smoke escaping his lips in the cold air. “I want to drive you, I want you to be the first person to sit by my side when I get my license.”

It’s cute, the way Jaehyun’s face gains colour from the tips of his ears and the back of his neck just above his scarf. Hues spread from those points, until Jaehyun’s face is a dusty shade of pink. 

“Where will we go?” Yuta asks curiously, drumming his fingers on the back of Jaehyun’s hand as they pass by an evergreen tree. 

“I said I wanted to take you to see the city lights,” Jaehyun mumbles. “I want to drive you there, drive you anywhere you want to go. I want to bring you far away.”

“To murder me in secret. Right, I get it,” Yuta jokes in a dry tone. The corner of Jaehyun’s lip twitches upwards in amusement. 

“I’ll wear your heart on a cute necklace when I do,” he teases, responding perfectly to Yuta, he is the perfect complement to him. Jaehyun exhales another cloud, licking his lips immediately after. Yuta reaches over and lightly taps his cheek, symbolising a hit he’s afraid to land on Jaehyun’s perfect features.

“Stop licking your damn lips,” Yuta grumbles. 

“Are you jealous?” Jaehyun asks, sounding way too pleased with himself as he uses his finger to wipe the saliva off his lower lip. “Just say so, I’d be happy to lick yours too. I can even give you some of my spit.”

“You don’t have to drive me far to do it, just kill me here,” Yuta sulks. 

“I can’t do that,” Jaehyun sighs, shaking his head. “I want to drive you away because, to put it simply, this town sucks. You deserve better.”

“So instead of being stuck here, I deserve to be stuck with you?” Yuta asks, raising an eyebrow as Jaehyun’s face flushes further.

“It’s not about deserving, at this point,” Jaehyun replies, his voice hushed and he sounds almost shy. Yuta marvels at the thought that he could do something like that to someone like Jeong Jaehyun. “I want to be with you, and I was hoping it was mutual.”

“It is,” Yuta admits softly, his words so light that he swears he can see them fly into the sky and join the setting sun above them. “I always want to be with you, so please don’t leave me alone.”

The _again_ goes unsaid, but Yuta knows both he and Jaehyun know the implications of Yuta’s words. Yuta, himself, knows he’s terrified of letting Jaehyun slip away again. Somehow, he knows Jaehyun is his eternity, and he would die a hundred times to stay by his side.

“I’ll stay with you forever.” Yuta swears he can see the sunset in Jaehyun’s eyes, reflecting the orange glow of the sun beautifully in his pupils. “If anything tries to tear me away from you again, I’ll do all I can to come back home.” 

“Home?” 

Jaehyun blushes a deeper shade of pink. “That’s not weird, right? That I consider you home?”

“No.” Yuta shakes his head, thinking back to having that exact thought about Jaehyun on his birthday. “I do too.”

Their walk is silent otherwise, it’s comfortable, watching Jaehyun kick rocks on the sidewalk in the corner of his eye. His hand is clammy in Yuta’s, but neither of them seem to mind, not letting go of the grip they have on each other.

By the time they approach Yuta’s house, the sky is already dark over them. They’re far enough from the city for some small stars to dot the sky. None of them shine as brightly as Jaehyun’s eyes, none of them could even compare.

They approach Yuta’s driveway and see the car parked out front, they’re home, Yuta’s heart almost sinks. Beside him, Jaehyun looks a little too pleased with the turn of events. 

“Are you plotting something?” Yuta asks suspiciously. “You’re smiling like you just came up with a terrible idea.”

Jaehyun fakes a hurt expression. “And here I thought you liked my smile.”

“Please shut up,” Yuta groans playfully, swinging his hand interlocked with Jaehyun’s before finally letting go, aware his parents could see them if they looked out the window. “So, why the smile?”

“I’m going to ask them if I can drive you out to the city,” Jaehyun announces. “To buy project supplies.”

Yuta laughs. “It’s like you’re asking them for permission to take me out on a date.”

He intends for it to be lighthearted, but he can tell by the way Jaehyun freezes that it was anything but lighthearted to him. Yuta is about to take it back and apologise for poor taste when Jaehyun nods, hands trembling in the cold.

“I want to take you on a date one day,” Jaehyun declares, trying for confidence though his voice shakes. “So don’t look at anyone else.”

He nods at the other and smiles before heading to unlock the door of his house, ignoring the way his body shouts at him to turn around and run far away with Jaehyun.

Once inside, they’re met immediately by Yuta’s mother as they take off their shoes. “Welcome back, Jaehyun. Do you need dinner?”

She doesn’t even bother to greet him, any year before and Yuta would’ve spiralled knowing his mother held no affection for him. Now, he can barely even bring himself to care, eyeing the tight smile on Jaehyun’s face.

“I would appreciate it, thank you,” Jaehyun replies politely, so unlike the teasing friend Yuta has grown to care about all over again. He supposes, though, that his own attitude changes when he’s talking to Taeyong’s mother too.

“Alright, you boys can go up to Yuta’s room, come down at dinner time,” she says, departing to the kitchen shortly after. 

“Customer service voice,” Jaehyun mumbles, Yuta laughs a little as Jaehyun leans against him, perhaps finding some sort of comfort from proximity to him.

Yuta climbs the stairs first, with Jaehyun trailing him. “Your ass looks good from this angle,” he comments in a low voice and Yuta has half a mind to kick him down the stairs. He settles for telling him to shut up instead.

Once in Yuta’s room, Jaehyun closes the door behind him and locks it. Yuta watches as Jaehyun walks up to his bed and slams face down into it. “Finally,” he mumbles, rolling so he faces the ceiling instead of staying smushed into Yuta’s comforter. “It’s pretty much winter break now, next week is entirely useless since we took our midterms last month. I’m free.”

Yuta smiles affectionately, sitting beside Jaehyun on the bed. He’s still too far away, Yuta muses, and he musters all his strength. Jaehyun yelps in surprise as Yuta grabs him below the armpits and pulls him closer. He adjusts Jaehyun and has his head rest on his lap, deciding that this is close enough. 

Jaehyun’s eyes are blown wide as he stares up at Yuta, whose hand has already found its way to Jaehyun’s head, tangling between his dark hair. “What about your training?” Yuta asks, lowering his voice so as to not startle Jaehyun further. 

Jaehyun seems to be in a daze, because it takes Yuta hitting him lightly on the cheek for him to realise Yuta had asked him something. His face is unusually warm, Yuta thinks he’s pretty under the dim setting of his room lights. 

“Training,” he mumbles to himself. “I have three days next week, then four times across winter break. I’ll schedule our trip around that. What are your plans?”

Yuta hums. “I’ve got studying to do, and I have one last debate meeting at school before I leave the club and never come back.”

“Right, Jungwoo mentioned that,” Jaehyun says, the lines on his forehead creasing as he thinks. Yuta’s thumb reaches on its own and smoothes it down. “Any plans with Taeyong and Johnny?”

“No,” Yuta replies. “But I did tell Ten I’d treat him to a meal, maybe winter break would be a good time for that, if our schedules align anyway.”

Jaehyun frowns again. “Ten? Who’s that?”

“A friend from middle school, he transferred out before you came back,” Yuta explains, glancing at the flowers Jaehyun had set down on his study desk. “I saw him earlier, for the first time in a while. I’ve missed him.” 

“I see.” Jaehyun has a funny expression on his face, one that seems to try to shout something at Yuta, something that’s right in front of his face. “He sounds like he was important to you.”

“He still is,” Yuta laughs emptily. “I feel guilty to have not contacted him in so long, seeing him today made me happy.”

“Do you speak of all your friends like this?” Jaehyun returns the empty laugh to Yuta, he sounds bitter and he looks up at Yuta without the familiar spark that’s glowed in his eyes for months. 

“Like what?” Yuta asks, blinking slowly to try and understand what Jaehyun is implying. Jaehyun sighs and the weight in Yuta’s lap becomes heavier. 

“Like you speak about me,” Jaehyun replies straightforwardly. “I thought I was special, but you have that same look when talking about someone I’ve never even heard of.”

Yuta smiles a little, watching Jaehyun’s expression grow gloomier by the second. “Jaehyun,” he chides softly. “Are you jealous?”

Jaehyun’s sulk grows more noticeable. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“A little,” Yuta replies, returning Jaehyun’s honesty with his own. “It’s nothing alike, the way I see you and him, or you and anyone for that matter.” 

Jaehyun’s eyes regain a bit of their addictive sparkle, he looks at Yuta like a puppy waiting for a treat. Yuta is done running away and hiding things from the boy he adores so much, lying in his lap on his bed despite neither of them having showered.

“I want to stay with you forever,” Yuta mumbles. “I can’t imagine a future where you aren't by my side, that scares me a lot.”

“But at the same time, it reminds me that you’re different from everyone else. I know I never want to let you go.”

Jaehyun reaches up and takes hold of Yuta’s hand, combing through his hair. He becomes lighter in Yuta’s lap again, like he could float away at any second. Yuta looks down and sees their bracelets grazing against each other with every breath either takes. 

“No take backs,” Jaehyun whispers, Yuta can feel the vibrations of his words through his entire body. “You’ll be with me for life, and for everything beyond then.”

“Even when you get married?” Yuta teases, though his words stain his mouth with a sour taste. Jaehyun, evidently, feels the same way, Yuta can see the slight scowl that forms on his unblemished complexion.

“I’m not getting married to anyone who isn’t you.” Jaehyun’s frown becomes far more prominent. “Stop suggesting it, stop thinking I’d be interested in anyone else, it makes me feel like my feelings for you are nothing. I want you, even if you don’t really believe me when I say it. Even if I know you’ll brush me off again this time, you’re still the only one I want. Is that so hard to believe?”

Yuta laughs dryly, and he watches as Jaehyun’s expression switches from frustration to hopelessness. He thinks of a million things he could say, because there’s really so much he wants to tell Jaehyun, an infinite archive of things he wishes he could say aloud.

When he feels the nonexistent wind in his locked up room blow against his throat, sealing his intentions in, he gives it up for a lost cause. He shuts his eyes and points his head to the ceiling, pretending not to notice the weight on his lap shift again. 

Ten was right. _I love you,_ he wants to say, the words held captive under his tongue. Even if he did manage to cough them out, they would never be enough to articulate how he really feels. Nothing would ever be enough, so Yuta settles for nothing at all, wishing that just for once, he could believe he deserves it all.

“Yes, it is.”

+

At dinner time, the pair stalk down the stairs, trying to shake off the tense atmosphere between them without much success. Jaehyun is better than he is at pretending everything is okay, but Yuta can see right through him, he knows the conversation affected him more than it did Yuta.

It’s the udon from his dinner the previous night, heated up in the microwave. Yuta’s mother is already seated across from where the other two bowls are set. 

He and Jaehyun reach to pull out the same chair, and as soon as Jaehyun notices it, he pulls his arm back like he’s been burned. He quietly grabs the backrest of the chair to the right and pulls it out, taking a seat before Yuta can take his.

The three of them eat in silence, Yuta uncomfortable in more ways than one. Between Jaehyun’s moodiness and the overbearing presence of his mother hanging over them, he feels completely suffocated. He wonders if anyone else feels it too and contemplates running from the dinner early and calling Taeyong in a bathroom to ease the feelings that run through his brain.

He doesn’t get the opportunity to, because his mother starts a conversation with Jaehyun and Yuta knows he can’t leave. Even if Jaehyun is the best person to deal with her, Yuta can’t help but feel anxious about leaving a Jaehyun that isn’t pleased with him with his mother.

“Have you decided which university you will be applying for?” His mother asks after swallowing the food in her mouth. She looks so unlike how she usually does, she looks younger without all the stress Yuta knows she carries. 

“I’m staying in the state, definitely,” Jaehyun responds, and he sounds different too, completely unbothered by their conversation from earlier. He puts up faces so well, Yuta thinks, and he wonders if he even knows Jaehyun’s true face.

He likes to think he does.

“I will be applying for NU,” he says, a finality in his tone that Yuta’s only heard from him once in his life. “I was going to drive down to the city to look at it next week.”

“How exciting it must be to start a new chapter,” his mother says, and fondness sounds wrong when it comes out in her voice. “Yuta has yet to decide where he wants to go.” 

They both turn their attention to him and he’s made to feel smaller than ever. When he meets Jaehyun’s eye, he realises they aren’t cold anymore. Jaehyun’s hand runs over the metal around his own wrist, running his fingers over Yuta’s name spelled in charms. It gets easier to breathe, watching Jaehyun’s silent signal to him that it’s okay. They’re okay. 

“Why don’t I drive him down next week,” Jaehyun suggests. “Perhaps seeing a university campus in person would trigger something in him.”

Jaehyun is such a filthy liar, because Yuta has seen a campus in person, Jaehyun had literally been the one to bring him. Still, Yuta’s mother nods thoughtfully and Yuta realises what Jaehyun is doing.

“That sounds like a good idea,” his mother says and Yuta is reminded again just how much trust his mother has placed in Jaehyun. How much she wishes Yuta had grown up more like him than himself. “If you’re asking for permission, he’s free to go with you. Perhaps he will find his spark by visiting in person.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says with a calculated smile that Yuta’s mother either doesn’t notice or chooses to not. 

They wrap up dinner pleasantly, Yuta still unsure if it’s okay to treat Jaehyun the way he always does. Around Jaehyun, he feels like he’s been walking on eggshells, so terrified of breaking the fragile balance between them that they’ve both worked to restore.

When Yuta stands to put away the dishes, his mother raises an eyebrow. She doesn’t say anything though, not then, and Yuta carries on bringing the dishes to the kitchen.

“Yuta, walk Jaehyun down the street,” his mother instructs and Yuta wonders if it’s part of her plan to lock him out for the night. Jaehyun seems confused too.

“Ma’am, it’s really cold out there, it’s alright if Yuta doesn’t,” Jaehyun says politely, bowing his head. His mother is about to reply when Yuta cuts her off.

“It’s alright, Jaehyun, I’m happy to,” he says, his own sincerity surprising him. Jaehyun’s jaw goes slack, and then he’s grinning at Yuta. All Yuta can think about is kissing the lovely dimples that appear on his cheeks.

Yuta grabs his jacket from the coat rack and slips it on, watching Jaehyun throw his scarf around his shoulder. In record time, the two leave the front door and close it behind them. Jaehyun heaves a sigh of relief first, before turning to Yuta and smiling wildly, like he can’t believe himself or their situation.

“You still want to drive me to the city,” Yuta mumbles quietly, wondering if his words can be heard from behind the heavy front door. He finds himself almost licking his lips, which would make him the world’s biggest hypocrite. “I thought you were upset.”

“I told you.” Jaehyun breathes deeply into the night air, the cold is almost bone-chilling. “A thousand times, I can't be mad at you, I’ve never once been.”

“Why is that?” Yuta asks, deep down they both know why, but it’s still hard for Yuta to accept it as a fact. It’s still hard to believe that someone like Jaehyun would even look at him like that for a second, much less imagine being with Yuta for life. 

“You mean more to me than the world,” Jaehyun answers, without missing a beat. “I know you don’t believe me, but if there’s anything I know about you, it’s that you feel the same way about me, don’t you?”

“I do,” Yuta replies, feeling choked up as they walk down the street together. 

Jaehyun smiles again, Yuta can see it play on his lips when they pass a street lamp. It would be painfully easy to run into his arms without a care, without thinking that he doesn’t deserve any of this, without doubting himself and the person who means everything to him. It would be so easy to knock the wind out of Jaehyun and claim him on the lips under the lamps of a dark street. It would be so easy, if the thought of being wrong about everything didn’t cloud his judgement.

So many things could go wrong. Yuta could realise he doesn’t want Jaehyun that way, could destroy everything they have for a brief affair and break Jaehyun’s heart. Jaehyun could realise that what he feels isn’t love and leave Yuta alone all over again after he fell too deep. There’s a million horrible outcomes that could occur if Yuta were to throw his caution to the wind and allow Jaehyun to have him.

They reach the end of the street and Yuta knows Jaehyun won’t let him travel further than that. Yuta sees his flowers tucked safely under Jaehyun’s arm and his scarf pulled over his mouth. He looks like home as a person, Yuta could not be more taken. 

“Good night, Yuta,” Jaehyun whispers softly, standing on the bending sidewalk that divides the streets. He’s a step away, but Yuta feels like the centimetres between them are kilometres and the kilometres are oceans. He wishes he could reach out and grab hold of Jaehyun. “Text me when you get home.”

There are so many things that threaten to burst from Yuta’s lips, an endless ramble about how sorry he is that he can’t give Jaehyun what he really wants despite knowing he wants it too. There’s so much he wants to say, so much he wants to tell Jaehyun.

His words die on his tongue, as they always do, and Yuta merely nods stiffly, trying to ignore the line between them that seems to shift further away from him by the second. “Good night, Jaehyun.”

And then he’s walking down the street alone.

+

“Is that Jaehyun’s?” Yuta’s mother asks later, she’s seated on one of the many sofas in their living room and pointing to Yuta’s chest as he hangs his jacket back on the coat rack. Yuta looks down and finds himself still wearing Jaehyun’s jersey from earlier, his heart aches unbearably.

“Someone spilled their drink on me, this was all we had for me to change into,” Yuta lies, mustering as casual a tone as possible as he looks his mother dead in the eye. There’s no affection, no warmth that was present when she was trying to put up a good face in Jaehyun’s presence. 

“You will be going down to NU next week,” his mother says instead of replying to Yuta’s reply. “Try and figure out what you’re doing after high school, you cannot stay a child forever.”

“I understand,” Yuta replies, trying to not let his exhaustion with this conversation topic seep into his tone. His mother, clearly over speaking to him as well, sends him off to his room afterwards.

**Yuta [19:56]:** i’m home

 **Baby Jaehyun [19:57]:** i just reached mine too

Yuta stares intently at Jaehyun’s contact name, blinking as he types his next text message out and hoping he’ll find it in him to hit the send button on it. 

**Yuta [19:59]:** jaehyun…

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:00]:** yes?

 **Yuta [20:01]:** would you wait for me?

He holds his breath, fingers feeling numb after sending the message as he watches _typing_ appear beside Jaehyun’s name. He knows, objectively, that his heart beats wildly in his chest, but it’s so muted that Yuta thinks it could be lost between the sheets of the mattress beneath him.

**Baby Jaehyun [20:02]:** of course

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:02]:** i’ve been waiting for you to come back to me for years now

 **Baby Jaehyun [20:03]:** i can wait forever

“I love you,” Yuta whispers, his voice cracks with the words he’s been dying to say out loud. Though, with no one around to hear him and Jaehyun, the person he wants to hear him say it most, absent, he feels hollow instead of satisfied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this in 3 days i think this fic may be the only thing keeping me stable rn i've been feeling like trash so sorry if it isn't the best i just needed to get this out haha. take care everyone!


	14. Chapter 14

It’s staring him in the face, something so obvious that Yuta should’ve been able to pick it up a long time ago. There’s definitely something that he’s missing, a piece of memory that’s inaccessible to him. 

He wonders if he’d forgotten it through repression, which he knows is something he’s done excessively in his life, or if it’s just something that slipped from his memory entirely. Still, it feels important and as he stares up at his ceiling, he wonders how he could've let himself forget something that clearly meant a lot to him.

He sighs, closing his statistics book and knowing that he won’t be able to get anything done so long as this continues to plague him. He reaches for his phone to check the time and instead finds a notification from a contact he hasn’t seen in a long time.

Distraction comes in the form of a text from  _ Tennie. _

**Tennie [16:42]:** yuta is this still your number?

**Yuta [16:55]:** tennie! 

**Tennie [16:56]:** you still have my number saved it’s a win for yuten nation

**Yuta [16:57]:** haha what are you texting for though

**Tennie [16:58]:** i finished my final project of the term and now i’m free for the winter break

**Yuta [17:01]:** the tennie i knew would never finish his work on time! 

**Yuta [17:02]:** what have you done with him?

**Tennie [17:03]:** please yuta you have no idea how cruelly art school whipped me into shape

**Tennie [17:05]:** i’m starting to become you my report card has never looked so perfect

**Yuta [17:05]:** haha -_- congrats on finishing your project anyway! you should celebrate tonight

**Tennie [17:06]:** that’s actually why i’m messaging!

**Tennie [17:07]:** wanna hang out tonight? i found this japanese restaurant i’ve been dying to try and you are the most qualified of my friends to judge the taste of ramen

**Yuta [17:08]:** it’s crazy how small this town is and yet there’s new shops popping up every other week

**Yuta [17:08]:** i’m down

**Yuta [17:09]:** my parents are missing in action anyway, they wouldn’t even notice if i don’t return home tonight

**Tennie [17:09]:** my yuta has become a rebel :0

**Tennie [17:10]:** awesome, i’ll meet you at the bus stop near our middle school at 6.30 it’s like two stops down

**Yuta [17:11]:** okay i’ll see you later

Yuta sighs, clicking out of Ten’s chat to look through the rest of his notifications. He sees his group chat with Johnny and Taeyong at the top, but when he enters it, all he sees is Taeyong spamming links to animal videos and Johnny responding to each link with a thumbs up emoji. He closes the chat without replying. 

Yuta, the thought of forgotten memories successfully pushed to the back of his mind, continues his work with the thought of meeting Ten again soon. 

+

When he reaches the bus stop with five minutes to spare, he sees Ten already there, leaning against a pole and using his phone. There’s a small pile of snow by his feet, Yuta exhales a visible breath into the air as he walks up to Ten.

“Tennie,” he calls out and Ten looks up at him. He beams at Yuta, shutting off his phone and tucking it into the front pocket of his parka. His walk breaks into a jog, quickly closing the distance between them. “Did I make you wait long?”

Ten shakes his head, smiling. In regular clothing instead of in his work attire, Ten stands taller than he did the other day. Yuta looks down and sees the small heels on his boots before looking back up. “I just got here, I wanted to check bus times before you came.” He gestures to the board displaying bus times hanging from the shelter of the bus stop. “Seven minutes, ah. Six now.”

Yuta grins. “Art school really has changed you.” He takes a seat and looks up to meet Ten’s eye. “You showed up late to school every day and now you’ve arrived before me to check bus timings ahead of our meeting.”

A smile plays on Ten’s lips. “Don’t look at me like that, I might fall for you all over again.” He winks playfully, unaware that his words feel like glass shattering over Yuta’s brain. Ten surveys him carefully, his eyes are so much like a cat’s, calculating as they seemingly bore into Yuta’s soul. “Tonight, you’re going to tell me who you’re in love with.”

“You want me to talk to you about other men on our first date in years?” Yuta asks, mock affronted as he plays along with Ten’s joke, hoping Ten doesn’t realise how boggling it is to find out someone loved him four years too late to do anything about it. 

Ten’s smile turns into a grin, the edges of his lips pulling roughly on his cheeks. “You’ve changed too,” he comments, and before Yuta can ask anything else, their bus pulls up.

Yuta looks up at the vehicle and finds the bus number flashing on an electronic board in the front window. It displays a large 04, Jaehyun’s number, Yuta’s mouth runs dry as Ten drags him on board. 

They take the seat to the end of the bus, it’s a short journey but Yuta knows his friend’s back has never been in good shape. He sits quietly beside the other and Ten reaches a hand over to him subconsciously. Yuta smiles and slips his hand into Ten’s.

“Isn’t love horrifying,” Ten comments, leaning his head against the cold window as the bus closes its doors and begins to drive off. “I watched my classmate get her heart broken by the ugliest boy I’ve ever seen. That’s scary.” He cracks a smile. “Did you expect me to say something meaningful?”

“No, of course not,” Yuta snorts in response. “You need brain cells to come up with things like that.”

“That was unprovoked,” Ten whines, but he moves away from the cold window and leans his head against Yuta’s shoulder instead, the thin padding of the jacket Jaehyun had paid for and the shirt he wears underneath acting as the only barrier between them. “I missed you, it’s been forever.”

“I missed you too,” Yuta replies, a section of the everlasting hollowness in his chest filling up with warmth. “I want to hear all about your school, not everyone gets accepted into the most prestigious art school in the state.”

“You could've made it,” Ten grumbles, leaning in closer to Yuta. “I asked you to come with me but you just started crying.”

Yuta laughs airily. “I never did explain why I cried, did I?” When Ten shakes his head, Yuta takes a deep breath and steadies his hand that’s seconds away from shaking in Ten’s. “I thought you were going to leave me. I was terrified.”

The smile falls from Ten’s face, his grip on Yuta’s hand grows tighter. “I love you, you know. Even now and though it’s been so long, you’re still one of my dearest friends.” 

“If you’re worried, I don’t like you like that anymore. I fell for someone else at art school,” Ten says with a shrug. “We never dated, he ended up moving far away.”

“That sucks,” Yuta mumbles softly, he drums his fingers on the back of Ten’s hand, as Jungwoo always does. “Do you regret not trying to pursue anything with him?”

“I’m over him now too, so it would’ve never worked out,” Ten laughs, getting up as the bus slows to a stop. “But sometimes I do think I should’ve tried to make it work, so that I wouldn’t be left with the thoughts of what could’ve been.”

+

The Japanese food is, admittedly, very good. Yuta barely has time to speak as he scarfs down his meal. Ten is a little more dignified, though he struggles with the wooden chopsticks provided by the restaurant. 

Ten is the first to speak since the start of their meal, they’d been sitting quietly otherwise, drinking in the cozy atmosphere of the room and scanning through the menu for what looked good. 

“Earlier, the questions you asked me on the bus,” Ten says, pausing to take a sip of some soda he ordered. He sets his glass back down on the table. “Your words were weighted.”

Yuta licks at his lower lip awkwardly, raising his hand to the back of his neck as he chuckles nervously. Now that he thinks about it, he has yet to admit anything of that topic out loud, even Jaehyun himself hasn’t heard nearly as much. He swallows the lump in his throat and forces out a short laugh. “You've always seen right through me. You’re right, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.”

“Share them with me,” Ten suggests, he swirls his straw in his soda cup absentmindedly. “I want to see the face you make when you talk about your love life, I feel like it’d be funny.”

“You’re mean,” Yuta says with a sulk, brushing off Ten’s words immediately. “I haven’t told anyone else yet, but Jaehyun’s been acting weird and I want to know if I’m getting the right signals.”

“Jaehyun is the guy who made you sad all throughout middle school,” Ten mumbles gingerly. “Tell me what happened.”

Yuta swallows heavily once again as his eyes flicker over to the wood on the walls instead of meeting Ten’s. He slowly recounts the conversation he had with Jaehyun the other day, and part of him hopes for whatever reason that Ten doesn’t point out things that would make him realise that maybe he has been reading the signals wrong.

Because despite all the fear that plagues Yuta’s mind, he knows there’s a large part of him that wants Jaehyun to love him.

“So,” Ten hums softly, Yuta can't figure out if he intends to speak to him or to himself. “You want to know if this boy who buys you clothes, invites you to his games, cooks for you, sleeps over at your house, kisses you on the cheek, and literally tells you he’s in love with you,” Ten pauses briefly, taking another sip of his soda, “could possibly be in love with you?”

Yuta nods stiffly, feeling a little dumb now that Ten has phrased it like that. 

“I have my reservations about Jaehyun, since he did hurt you, I was a witness to your emo phase after all,” Ten says, his serious tone trailing off into lightheartedness towards the end of the statement. “But I can tell you like him a lot, I can tell that you want to believe he loves you.”

“How do you know?” Yuta asks quietly.

Ten grins. “Your eyes sparkle when you talk about him, this is the sight I wanted to see.”

“It makes me feel like a middle schooler,” Yuta shudders, his voice is soft. “I don’t know how I feel, I hate being so lost in my own head.”

Ten hums, picking up a piece of fish cake and popping it into his mouth. “Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t tell people I don’t love that I love them. Is Jaehyun insincere?”

Yuta shakes his head quietly. “He hides a lot of things, but he’s never been anything but honest.”

They fall back into silence, one that seems to span eternity for Yuta who nervously shifts on his chair. The food tastes great, but it’s not nearly enough to overpower the overwhelming feeling that churns in his stomach. 

“You deserve a lot of love, Yuta,” Ten finally says, his bowl is empty and he sets his chopsticks back onto the table. “I know Taeyong agrees with me, I’ve kept in contact with him too.”

Yuta stays silent as Ten sighs. “I can't tell you how you feel, or even what you should do. Those are things you have to decide for yourself,” Ten says, it sounds awfully like a conclusion to the heavy topic that’s been weighing on Yuta’s mind. “But if I were you, if there was even a small chance of everything working out for me, I’d take it.”

He claps his hands together, not giving Yuta enough time to think. “But enough about that, let me tell you about this absolute dreamboat in my music class. His name is Kun.” Ten’s eyes sparkle as he talks about Kun and Yuta wonders if this is the expression Ten had seen on his own face.

Because if it is, then maybe Jaehyun is the one after all.

+

“Today was nice,” Ten says as they get off the bus at the stop opposite their middle school. Yuta looks at the looming building that he used to hate so much and finds that it looks smaller than it used to. This is where he gained everything, Taeyong and Ten in year one, Johnny in year two. But it’s also the place he had to first learn how to navigate in Jaehyun’s absence. “We should hang out more often.”

Yuta laughs airily, Ten takes his hand in his own as they walk down the streets together. It’s dark, hours past the earlier sunset of winter, and the grip of each other helps prevent either of them from slipping on the snow and ice. 

“You live in school, right?” Yuta asks. 

Ten nods, and then shakes his head. “It’s winter break now, so I’m not returning to the dorms until next year. I live three blocks down from Taeyong.”

“Okay, we’re walking in the same direction then,” Yuta says casually, and he notices Ten’s features light up at his words. Ten’s palm in his is warm, almost as warm as Jaehyun’s, and Yuta thinks that holding hands in the winter really is nice. 

“Hey, I recognise that person,” Ten suddenly pipes up at the crossing, gesturing across the street at two figures that Yuta can’t make out. Ten scans the road before tugging on Yuta’s hand, dragging him across to the other side. Yuta’s heart jumps when he recognises Jaehyun and Doyoung. “Dongyoung!”

A smile plays on Doyoung’s lips as he nods his head to Ten. “It’s been a while.”

Yuta stares at Jaehyun, who looks back at him in surprise. Under the streetlight, he can see Jaehyun’s features a lot clearer, and notes the way his eyes dart down to Yuta’s hand, intertwined with Ten’s. He pretends to not notice this, though, and puts on the most strained smile he’s ever seen from Jaehyun. “Fancy seeing you out here, past your curfew.”

Ten and Doyoung look up and it seems like they’d just noticed the other person’s presence for the first time. Doyoung looks at him with a funny look that Yuta can’t name, his eyes bugging out slightly, he wonders if Jaehyun receives the same look from Ten. The grip on his hand grows tighter, and Jaehyun’s eyes flicker down once again, like he noticed it just from watching Yuta’s face. To his right, he notices that Ten’s eyes aren’t fixed on Jaehyun and instead, he watches Yuta cautiously.

“This is really awkward,” Yuta comments softly. “Why is everyone looking at me?”

“I’m always looking at you, aren't I?” Jaehyun asks softly, when Yuta braces himself and looks up, he notes that Jaehyun’s smile has grown gentler. Jaehyun looks at Ten and bows his head slightly. “Sorry, it’s good to meet you. I’m Jaehyun, who are you?”

“Oh,” Ten says, clapping his hands together. Yuta prays he won’t say anything stupid. “So you’re the infamous rival, it’s a pleasure. I’m Ten.”

Jaehyun seems to recognise that name, because his eyes shoot back down to their linked hands once again. He looks like he’s about to say something, when Doyoung cuts him off. “I know no one asked and everyone here knows me, but I’m Doyoung.”

“We know,” Ten and Jaehyun say at the same time, sharing a similar unamused tone. Their eyes dart back to each other, staring each other down, and it’s quite funny to Yuta, considering Jaehyun has almost ten centimetres on Ten.

“Yuta’s right,” Doyoung laughs and the two break eye contact to look at him. “This is really awkward. Yuta, I didn’t know you knew Ten.”

“We attended middle school together,” Yuta explains even though he knows he doesn’t really have to explain anything. “And you?”

“Family friend,” Doyoung replies, before gesturing at Jaehyun. “And we both know this idiot here.”

“Hey!” Jaehyun snaps, elbowing Doyoung, who ignores him and continues.

“Anyways, since they’re too busy wrapped up in their own worlds, we could leave them and run off together.”

“Wait, no. Don’t do that,” Ten pleads, freeing his hand from Yuta’s to reach out to Doyoung. Jaehyun’s shoulders seem to relax significantly and Yuta realises that he’d been watching their hands all along. “Don’t leave me here, Doie. I know that under your cold exterior lies a heart of gold that loves me.”

“You’re full of shit,” Doyoung says flatly, but he reaches up and pats Ten’s head anyway. “I’ll bring you home, yours is closer to mine than these two clowns anyway.”

“What?” Yuta asks dumbly and Doyoung waves at them.

“We’ll leave you two, see you back in school next year,” Doyoung says, leaving no room for Yuta to protest.

“Bye, Yuta. I hope you enjoyed our date!” Ten calls back before he and Doyoung dash down the street. Yuta’s heart sinks in his chest as he feels Jaehyun turn to ice beside him, colder than the surrounding air. 

They stand in silence, the streetlight above them flickering slightly as Yuta avoids Jaehyun’s eye, though he can feel that they are fixed on him. Looking down, he sees Jaehyun reach out for him, hand moving forward to reach Yuta’s own. He wipes his hand on his pants before reaching out himself and taking Jaehyun’s in his own.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you today,” Jaehyun says, his voice is warm and contrasts the cold feeling Yuta received from his body language. “This is a nice surprise for me.” Yuta looks up nervously and meets Jaehyun’s eyes that shine in the flickering lights. 

“It’s nice to see you too,” Yuta replies, studying Jaehyun’s dimples. “I missed you, is that too much to say?”

Jaehyun’s smile only broadens as he tugs on Yuta’s hand and pulls him into an embrace. Yuta feels like he’s on fire, his face smushed into Jaehyun’s shoulder. “It’s not too much, it means I still have a chance to steal you from your date.”

Yuta looks up and sees Jaehyun’s eyes burning, different from the fire that travels through Yuta’s veins. He looks annoyed speaking about Ten, Yuta would giggle if Jaehyun didn’t hold him so close.

“Ten is not my date,” Yuta grumbles, settling for clearing up Ten’s lies and wondering if Jaehyun can feel the way his voice vibrates through his jacket. “He’s just annoying like that.”

Jaehyun shrugs. “The seed’s been planted in my head, now I’m bothered.” He lets Yuta go and instead, he leans down slightly and presses their foreheads together. “Until you completely reject me, I’m not letting anyone near you like that.”

Yuta meets his eye, a sudden moment of boldness seizing his speech. “I asked you to wait for me, so what do you mean by until I reject you?”

Jaehyun’s jaw slacks, his eyes soften as he smiles and Yuta thinks he could stare at this sight forever. Jaehyun is an impossibly beautiful sight that Yuta knows he wants in his life for good, he just doesn’t know how he wants him yet.

“I love you,” Jaehyun mumbles softly, moving his forehead away from Yuta’s and pressing his lips to Yuta’s forehead. “Say it back whenever you’re ready, I can wait forever if it’s for you.”

They stand together for a while, the flickering of the lamp above them not even annoying to Yuta anymore. Yuta, whose focus is fully fixed on Jaehyun, wonders how it could possibly be so hard to come to terms with the affection he harbours for this boy that he’s known all his life. Even with a cold war spanning five years and an immense hatred that Jaehyun managed to wash away in just a few months, Yuta still thinks that Jaehyun’s always been the most important to him. 

“Come on, I’ll walk you home,” Jaehyun offers, tugging on Yuta’s hand once more. Yuta follows along without any sort of resistance. “I’ll pick you up at eleven, okay? I want to go tomorrow.”

“Promise me you actually know how to drive and you won’t crash into a wall and kill us both,” Yuta jokes, trying to mask his nervousness about being the first person driven by a new driver. If Jaehyun discovers his worry, it would no doubt hurt his ego. Yuta worries what his friend might try to do to repair his damaged confidence. The idea of Jaehyun racing down the street to prove to Yuta that he’s the best driver in the world doesn’t seem the least bit appealing.

Jaehyun grins. “Don’t worry, there are airbags.”

+

Jaehyun drops Yuta off at his front door, apologetic that he can’t accompany Yuta in because he knows he has to be home.

“Text me when you get home.”

Jaehyun beams at him. “You’re stealing my lines now,” he says smugly, ruffling Yuta’s hair. He glances down at Yuta’s jacket. “You look nice.”

“Are you saying that because you bought it for me?” Yuta asks, teasing. Jaehyun’s hands move from his hair to his cheek and he pinches the skin gently.

“No, it’s because I’m literally obsessed with you,” Jaehyun laughs. “See you tomorrow, I’m looking forward to it.”

“I am too,” Yuta says honestly. He watches Jaehyun walk down the street and turn the corner before finally entering his house. 

Inside, his mother sits in her usual spot on the sofa, the one closest to the window as she peers out of the glass. When she hears Yuta close the door behind him, she looks up at him and suddenly Yuta feels like a caged animal. 

“Jaehyun has been around a lot, hasn’t he?” She asks, her tone isn’t particularly venomous but Yuta can feel something charged behind her words. He swallows the lump in his throat as subtly as possibly, nodding to conceal the tremor in his body as she stands and walks towards him. 

“You saw him leave?” Yuta asks, staring at her forehead instead of making eye contact. He feels all the energy in him from his day drain out just by speaking to her, leaving him an empty shell.

“I’m not stupid, Yuta,” she says, placing a manicured hand on Yuta’s shoulder. The contact seems to burn through the fabric of his clothes, scorching Yuta’s skin beneath. When he finally meets her eye, he sees the corner of her left twitch. She looks like a wreck. “Jaehyun may be a good person, but you cannot allow yourself to grow too close to just anyone. Who knows what their true intentions are?”

She smiles, it’s a cold smile without any of the love that Yuta’s longed to receive from her all his life. Her nails dig roughly into Yuta’s shoulder, adding to the burning feeling. “You can’t trust just anyone, not in the way you can with family, the people you have a blood bond with. You know my intentions with you have been clear from the start.”

Yuta swallows again as he lifts his chin to nod properly. “I know that well,” he responds quietly, any confidence he’d been building up against this hurricane of a woman crumbling away. 

“My dear, you were born to do everything I couldn’t,” she says, her palm spins on Yuta’s shoulder as she moves around him, pressing against him from behind. “And you will do just that, so snap out of your childish headspace and accomplish what you were made to do.”

Yuta feels his vision blur as he blinks desperately to stop anything from spilling, anything to show how truly frustrated he feels about everything. 

“Yes, mother,” he breathes out instead, successfully battling the thought to cry and winning. “Jaehyun and I are going to the city tomorrow, to look at the universities.”

She detaches himself from Yuta’s back, and he relaxes his shoulder muscles immediately, not realising how tense they had gotten in proximity to her. “Rest up then, the trip to the city is long.” 

Yuta takes it as his cue to head to his bedroom and he briskly walks to the stairs, hoping his desperation to get out of the area isn’t too obvious to his mother who always seems to know too much. He’s stopped by her at the foot of the stairs.

“Remember what I said,” she calls out. “You can only trust family in this world. Even Jaehyun applies to this.” 

“Yes,” he replies. “I’d never think otherwise.”

As soon as he enters his bedroom, he sighs loudly and slams the door behind him, sliding down against the wall as he attempts to even out his breathing. The day’s events play in his head, but everything seems muddled with grief now. He feels like he’s been swallowed, enveloped by the dread that once pooled at the pit of his stomach, but now covers every inch of his room. 

How did it end up like this? He folds his knees to his face and tucks his head into them, his breathing still as heavy as before. His eyes blur again and Yuta feels it this time, the heat that drips down his face, like his mother’s hands drag their nails down his face. 

His heart sinks to his stomach, beating painfully slow as he heaves. It feels a bit like having his heart in someone’s palm, it being squeezed and the pressure increasing to unbearable, Yuta wonders when it would explode and put him out of pain for good.

He cries properly this time, knowing his mother isn’t in earshot as he sobs loudly into his knees. He can’t remember anything that happened in the day, he wonders if there even was anything worth memory. Eventually, the loud sobs turn silent, he allows his tears to dry on his face instead of wiping them off.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and Yuta, desperate for anything to distract him, pulls it out and opens it. His screen displays a notification from Ten and he opens it.

**Tennie [21:30]:** took this picture of you and jaehyun from across the street

**Tennie [21:31]:** doyoung told me taking candid pics from a bush makes me look like a creep though

Attached to the message is a picture that Yuta downloads to view, the quality isn’t very high but he can make out Jaehyun holding another figure in his arms, illuminated by the street lamp above. That’s him, tucked close to Jaehyun under the light that makes everything else around them look even darker. 

He feels tears spring to his eyes again as his thumb traces over the screen. He closes the picture and looks through his camera roll, finding a dozen selfies that Taeyong had taken on his phone while he wasn’t paying attention and all the pictures he had taken himself of Johnny and Taeyong just being themselves. Jaehyun fits in between, the selfies they had taken together patching up the gaps in Yuta’s camera roll. He nuzzles his face into his pants and sighs.

_ You can only trust family in this world,  _ but what use is that advice when his family has been the group to hurt him the most through the years? What use is all of this when all Yuta wants is to be with his friends?  _ Even Jaehyun applies to this,  _ but what use is that when Yuta can’t stomach the idea of living with his parents anymore, while dreaming of a future where he and Jaehyun can stay together forever?

What defines a family, Yuta wonders as he continues to scroll through his camera roll, looking at the photographs of the people he’s come to cherish deeper than any relative. He sees official photos of him and Jungwoo from their debate competitions and pictures of Johnny and Doyoung that he helped take back when they were still dating. Ten’s flower arrangements and artwork that he used to send to Yuta back in freshman year, even Sicheng finds a place on the screen, a shaky picture of his notes that he sent to Yuta when Yuta was down with the flu.

Yuta loves them, he loves them so much that the concept of not trusting them feels like a cut to his face, a stab to his heart. He knows these are his people, he doesn’t even care if he’s not as important to any of them, he just wants to enjoy their company for as long as he can.

Family means nothing to him, but if he’s allowed to include the important people in that term and exclude everyone who has never loved him, Yuta thinks it means everything to him.

**Tennie [21:38]:** this is something you should figure out yourself

**Tennie [21:39]:** but i can tell he really likes you just from today

+

**Baby Jaehyun [21:44]:** i have arrived at my abode

**Yuta [21:45]:** ???

**Yuta [21:45]:** just say “i’m home” like a normal person -_-

**Baby Jaehyun [21:46]:** but it’s not home without you </3

+

He wakes up the next day with a headache that plagues his entire brain. He opens his eyes slowly and notes that he’s not even in his own bed, he’s on the floor. He must have fallen asleep here without ever making it to his bed.

He tries to move but finds his body cramped up, so instead, he settles for sitting up and leaning against the wall he had fallen asleep next to. He glances up at the clock to check the time and his eyes widen when he sees that it’s ten minutes to eleven. That wakes him up faster than anything, he ignores the burn in his muscles and the dull ache in his head as he stands and scrambles to get ready. 

He opens his wardrobe and pulls out whatever is at the top, just desperate to get something to wear and slips out of and into his clothes with ease, his body’s fatigue pushed to the back of his mind as he thinks of Jaehyun. He’s scrutinising himself in the mirror when he hears the doorbell ring. He grabs his bracelet and exits his room quietly, aiming to get out of the house before anyone notices he’s leaving.

He opens the front door and is greeted by the sight of Jaehyun, leaning against the fence of his porch with his earbud wires plugged into the phone in his hand. The whole scene is strangely nostalgic, like Yuta’s seen it before. He then realises that Jaehyun is wearing the same coat that he wore when picking Yuta up to drop him off with Johnny and Taeyong. 

Jaehyun looks up from his phone and smiles, and Yuta thinks he’ll never really get tired of wondering exactly how deep his dimples go. “Good morning, beautiful,” Jaehyun teases in a low, breathy tone, it makes Yuta blush an abnormal amount.

“Morning, ugly,” he replies stiffly and he watches Jaehyun mock being hurt by his words.

“How dare you?” Jaehyun sniffs, removing his earbuds from his ears and rolling the wires up in his hands. “You’re lying to me, I know I’m the most gorgeous person you know.”

“That would be Taeyong, actually,” Yuta laughs as Jaehyun extends his hand to him, he takes it gingerly. The other smiles fondly at him, as if Yuta hadn’t just insulted him twice for no reason. He looks up and his eyes catch on something grey and shiny. “Is that yours?” He gestures at the car parked neatly between his and his neighbour’s property. 

Jaehyun reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys, he dangles them from his fingers in front of Yuta’s face. “How did you know?” He asks playfully before unlocking the doors of his car. He opens the door to the passenger seat and Yuta’s face pales. He doesn’t have a license, what is Jaehyun thinking? Is he supposed to get into the driver’s seat? Does Jaehyun expect him to drive?

When he looks at Jaehyun, he finds him raising an eyebrow, he holds the door open but doesn’t get in. Yuta is a little confused as he watches Jaehyun sigh, he reaches out and plants his hand firmly on Yuta’s lower back, pushing him towards the open door. “Why do you look so confused? Get in.”

Yuta shakes his head in an attempt to gather his thoughts before slowly walking up to the passenger seat. That makes more sense, Jaehyun wasn’t expecting him to risk both their lives on the road, he was just holding the door open for Yuta. He exhales in relief and enters the car. Jaehyun bends and ruffles his hair before closing the door.

He enters the driver’s seat on the other side and starts up his car. Yuta looks around the vehicle in awe, it looks new and it’s nothing like the family car that Yuta’s father owns. Yuta looks up and his eyes widen when his vision catches on something that looks familiar, too familiar in fact. 

“Ah, shit,” Jaehyun mumbles, reaching for the pendant that hangs from his car’s front mirror, he pushes it out of his view. “I forgot to remove that.”

“It looks just like mine,” Yuta comments in a mousey voice, thinking back to the keychain Jaehyun had given him years ago, on his twelfth birthday. It seems like a lifetime ago, but really only six years have passed since then. 

“I bought two,” Jaehyun laughs, sounding rather embarrassed. “I never really told you, but I was desperate to have something to match you so I bought one for myself too. It was a bit humiliating to admit, though, it still is.”

“That’s cute,” Yuta replies softly, the corners of his lips pull upwards on their own accord. “You were such a cute kid.”

“Is that the only time you found me cute?” Jaehyun asks, pouting. He tries to sound teasing, but his ears burn under his dark hair, Yuta can see the tips of them a bright red between his locks of hair. 

Yuta shakes his head. “I find you cute now, too,” he replies, watching in amusement as the red hue spreads to Jaehyun’s cheeks too. If he could be the cause of Jaehyun’s blush forever, that would be enough to satisfy Yuta for life. “Should we get going?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun replies, patting his own cheek and Yuta watches his face revert to its natural colour. He steps on the pedal and Yuta gasps softly as the car begins to move, anticipation grips at his heart as he watches Jaehyun turn the steering wheel and they slowly move onto the main road. “What if I told you I failed my road test six times?” Jaehyun asks, his eyes sparkling in the mirror, the keychain that hangs from it has fallen back into Yuta’s view.

“Let me out,” Yuta says dryly, but the corners of his lips twitch as Jaehyun’s car eases onto the road. 

“No can do, sir,” Jaehyun says, sticking his tongue out with his eyes fixed on the road. He reaches over to the board in the middle of the car and locks the doors. “You’re stuck with me.”

_ Happily so,  _ Yuta thinks, stretching his back against the seat. He groans softly when he feels a muscle cramp up and he notices Jaehyun look at him through the mirror, with concern etched on his features. It doesn’t suit him, to have worry plastered on his face, but Yuta thinks he’s just as beautiful like this. His stomach stirs uncomfortably and Yuta can’t tell if it’s hunger or if it’s a reaction from having Jaehyun stare at him like this.

“Are you alright?” Jaehyun asks, turning the corner of the street. “If your back hurts, the seat reclines, just play with the buttons on the side.”

“How did you know it was my back?” Yuta asks curiously, reaching to the side to tap the buttons along the edge of the seat, it reclines slowly but Yuta automatically feels better with his new position.

“I know you,” Jaehyun laughs, still sounding concerned and Yuta wishes he could wipe those thoughts out of his friend’s mind, until all that remains is the lighter things that Yuta hasn’t had much of a chance to think about in years. “What happened?”

“I fell asleep on the floor,” Yuta sighs, rubbing his neck awkwardly. “I was thinking about things and I just knocked out, I guess.” He smiles sheepishly, guilty for some reason even though he knows he shouldn’t be.

“What were you thinking about?” Jaehyun asks softly, his driving is smooth and Yuta realises that with someone as effortlessly amazing behind the wheel, he's had nothing to worry about from the start. 

“You, always you, who else could I possibly be thinking about,” Yuta mumbles and he hears Jaehyun’s breath hitch. “Is it weird?”

Jaehyun grips on tighter to the steering wheel and he's quiet for a beat too long. Yuta feels it in his stomach, the butterfly wings flapping violently against his internals. “Tell me more,” he finally says, and Yuta exhales a short breath he didn’t realise he was holding. 

“My mother was talking about family, about how I can’t trust anyone beyond them,” Yuta explains, he wonders if his voice sounds shaky to Jaehyun, he tries to stabilise it. “She mentioned you, said that even you apply to that statement.” 

Jaehyun listens quietly, Yuta takes it as his cue to continue as the car continues to glide smoothly over the usually bumpy roads of their town. “I started thinking about family, about what that word means to me, about what the thought of only trusting my family means to me.”

Yuta inhales sharply after taking a long pause, noting the way Jaehyun glances at him, trying desperately to keep his eyes on the road while showing Yuta he’s listening. “It doesn’t mean anything, Jae,” he breathes out, and he sees Jaehyun tense at the usage of the nickname. “I don’t want to not trust you, because you are family to me too. Hell, you mean more to me than family, as a word, could even begin to convey.”

Jaehyun keeps his eyes on the road, silent, and Yuta is made aware that he was rambling. He swallows the lump that begins to form in his throat as he watches the city come into view, the roads getting cleaner and less dusty, less icy. He blinks and wonders if he could start crying when Jaehyun sighs.

“And by family, you aren't brother-zoning me, right?” He asks. “Answer carefully or I’ll crash this car. I’m not dying inside alone.” His tone shifts to teasing, lightening the heavy atmosphere of the car.

“I already told you,” Yuta laughs, his throat dry, the butterflies grow furious within him. “I can’t see you as a brother, that would be really weird for both of us.”

Jaehyun parks along the roadside just as Yuta’s stomach lets out a loud, embarrassing growl in hunger. Jaehyun, ever tactless, giggles at the sound as he shuts down the engine of his car. 

“Don’t laugh at me,” Yuta pouts. “I’m running on the ramen I had with Ten over twelve hours ago. I’m starving to death, Jaehyun.”

“There you go talking about Ten again,” Jaehyun grumbles. “Way to ruin my fantasies of this being a date.”

“Shut up,” Yuta laughs, he reaches for Jaehyun’s hand, grabbing him by the forearm and pulling it closer to him. He checks the time on Jaehyun’s watch and notes that it’s already noon. “Can we get lunch? I’m hungry.”

Jaehyun gets his arm out of Yuta’s hold and moves it up to ruffle Yuta’s hair, there’s a satisfied smile on his face as he looks at him. “What do you want to eat?”

They end up having Thai food in a restaurant a street down from where Jaehyun had parked. Yuta knows Ten would definitely complain about him eating it with Jaehyun, but just for now, as he sits across from Jaehyun, he blocks Ten out of his mind. 

“We can share something, it’s cheaper to get a larger sized dish than two separate dishes,” Yuta suggests, scanning the menu. It’s a little hard to read, with it being handwritten and then laminated, the surface reflects the bright light overhead. 

Jaehyun places the order for them, a large size pad thai, this is a dish that Yuta remembers that Taeyong really likes. He wonders if he should try to arrange a meal with Taeyong at some point, Johnny could come too if Taeyong wants to invite him.

“Earlier you mentioned family,” Jaehyun says, he leans against the back of his chair casually. Yuta perks up at the realisation that Jaehyun is speaking to him. “Who is family to you?”

“Family to me,” Yuta repeats slowly, thinking back on his thoughts from the previous night. “It’s all the people I love, it’s Johnny and Taeyong, Ten, Jungwoo, and maybe even Doyoung.”

Jaehyun is quiet for a while, looking down at the scratches on the table. When he looks up, Yuta sees there’s something solid in his eyes, a resolution he’s never seen from Jaehyun before. “What about me?”

Yuta blinks at him, his neck starting to heat up. He extends his hand over the table, holding it out for Jaehyun to take. Jaehyun uses both his hands to clasp Yuta’s between, bringing it to his lips. He feels the warmth of Jaehyun brush against the back of his hand, his heart pounding as Jaehyun presses a soft kiss to it, his eyes shut. When Jaehyun opens them and moves his face away from Yuta’s hand, he sees bright eyes with the clarity of water. “You don’t have to answer, it’s okay.”

“You're my favourite,” Yuta says softly, wondering if Jaehyun is even listening. “It’s just so hard to say I love you, because I know I mean it a different way from the others.”

He sees Jaehyun’s eyes shine as he smiles, and he knows he heard the very beginning of Yuta’s proper confession.

+

Jaehyun insists on holding hands as they walk down the street, Yuta looks at the street lamps and trees decorated with lights that all seem to connect together. This must have been what Jaehyun was talking about, the beautiful city lights that he had been so enamoured by, 

Jaehyun stops by every dessert shop he sees, getting Yuta to try his favourites from every place. He feels like he could vomit with the amount of sugar he's taken in, but the smile on Jaehyun’s face when he pretends to enjoy his sickeningly sweet choices is worth it. Jaehyun will always be worth it.

“Oh,” Jaehyun says, sitting across from Yuta at the fifth café they visit together as Yuta tries to stomach yet another slice of strawberry sponge cake. “They’re having a fireworks show tonight.”

Yuta looks at him curiously, noting that the sun is already beginning to set through the window behind Jaehyun. “Is today a special occasion?”

“They’re practicing the New Year fireworks,” Jaehyun says, reading through the article he has on his screen. He looks up at Yuta after. “Do you like fireworks?”

“They’re pretty, but I hate the sound,” Yuta says. “It makes me anxious, but I really do love watching them.”

“Let’s watch them from indoors, then,” Jaehyun suggests. “I’ve watched them with Doyoung from inside once, he also dislikes the noise.”

“What time does it start?” Yuta asks, sticking another strawberry into his mouth.

“An hour past sunset,” Jaehyun replies, turning around to look at the window behind him. He is met by the dark blue and orange of the sky as the sun slowly disappears behind the skyscrapers. He turns back to Yuta and grins, the angle he sits in casting the faint glow of the sunset over his own face. Yuta’s eyes widen at this, is it really possible for someone to look so out of this world? “An hour from now, I suppose.”

_ Butterflies,  _ Yuta thinks as they start a storm in his stomach, a hurricane that moves rapidly to his chest. 

He likes Jaehyun, he really likes Jaehyun. He likes this ethereally gorgeous person who should’ve never even glanced in his direction in the first place, yet here they are now, with Jaehyun waiting for him because he knows how he feels about Yuta and wants Yuta to be sure too. 

Jaehyun likes him, who is Yuta to doubt that, or to deny Jaehyun of his own feelings? 

“Should we head to the viewing point now?” Jaehyun asks, leaning in over the table. It would be so easy to reach out and cup Jaehyun’s cheeks, kiss him stupid with the taste of strawberries and cream on his lips, and tell him that Yuta’s ready, that he wants him. So if it’s so easy, why does it feel like the most complicated thing Yuta’s ever thought of doing?

He nods. “Let’s go.”

The tower they end up in reminds Yuta a lot of one in Tokyo that he had passed by in the past, the exterior is just as imposing as the one in Yuta’s memory, but with his hand interlocked with Jaehyun’s, he feels like he can take on the world without fear.

“It seems like most people here will be watching from their homes, so I guess that’s why this place is quite empty,” Jaehyun comments in the elevator. It’s a regular elevator the same size as any other, but the lights on the ceiling cast a golden glow over Jaehyun and make him stand out in a way Yuta’s never seen him before. He's mesmerised by how beautiful his friend really is.

It’s a different way from how he views Taeyong, another undeniable beauty whose looks Yuta used to envy when he was a little more insecure. Now, he thinks he’s quite alright himself. Jaehyun’s appearance doesn’t stir anything negative within Yuta, all he feels is warmth.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to go to one of those Japanese summer festivals,” Jaehyun remarks as they walk away from the elevator. They’re on a floor higher than any other building in their hometown, Yuta follows his eyes and sees a small shop selling corn dogs. He quietly prays there are no dessert shops nearby. 

“I can bring you one day,” Yuta mumbles, eyes looking forward to meet Jaehyun’s nose, pink from the cold air outside. “If you want, of course.”

“Shall we make it our honeymoon destination, then?” Jaehyun asks, raising an eyebrow. “I plan to marry you by the time we’re twenty-five, if you want kids we should adopt when we’re around thirty, I was thinking we could raise them in-“

“Excuse me?” Yuta asks, dumbfounded as he stares at Jaehyun. “Kids?”

“You don’t want them?” Jaehyun asks, raising his free hand to his chin in a pondering position. “How do you feel about a cat then?”

“Jaehyun,” Yuta laughs incredulously, feeling his gut stir. “We haven’t even started dating yet.”

“Yet,” Jaehyun repeats, a smile too wide for his face plastered across as he tightens his grip on Yuta’s hand. “I was just messing around, don’t worry about it,” he adds, his tone softening as they approach the floor-to-ceiling glass windows that stand in place of walls in the room. It’s dark outside, the sun having fully set while they were leaving the café, and Yuta can see the glow of the city below them. They’re hundreds of miles above the ground and Yuta feels a little bit like he's flying, the world beneath his feet.

“Did I freak you out?” Jaehyun asks suddenly, his somber tone sending Yuta crashing back down to earth. He leans on the railing, his coat hanging loosely off his shoulders, exposing the black turtleneck under it for Yuta to view in all its glory. Jaehyun looks like the lights below, like a star glowing in the sky, and a few months ago Yuta hated him to the point where he couldn’t even look at Jaehyun properly. Now, he knows he never wants to look away.

“No,” Yuta replies, leaning in closer to the window, his stomach pushes against the railings that prevent people from getting too close to the glass in the first place. He remembers that he can’t really fly, that he’s just as chained to the earth as anyone else.

But, standing next to Jaehyun, Yuta feels like there’s one star in the universe that’s still in his reach, despite having his feet firmly planted on the ground. 

His stomach presses even deeper against the railings and Yuta wonders if the violence he feels within is the butterflies suffering a violent death or if they’re retaliating against the crushing feeling, flapping twice as strongly as Yuta reaches up and cups Jaehyun’s cheek with his right hand. 

This is it, he thinks, watching Jaehyun shut his eyes and nuzzle against his hand. Yuta wants this for life, he wants Jaehyun forever, he wants Jaehyun in his future and in every lifetime possible. There is no one else.

It could work, they could get married by twenty-five and Yuta could call for Taeyong to be his best man, to get Johnny to walk him down the aisle in the place of his parents, or perhaps Jaehyun wouldn’t mind walking down the aisle instead. They could move somewhere far away together, start a family in the middle of God knows where, and he could spend his life by Jaehyun’s side.

He knows they might not work out in the end, he knows there’s so much that could go wrong, and he knows that it is exactly what is holding him back from pursuing what he really wants. Everything could go horribly and he could lose Jaehyun again, maybe for life this time.

But what if it goes right? 

He realises then that his vision has blurred again, looking and finding Jaehyun completely out of focus. He blinks the tears out and the world comes back into view, Jaehyun’s warm palm trapping his own hand between it and his cheek. 

“Why are you crying?” He mumbles, trying to raise his hand to wipe away Yuta’s tears. Something snaps within Yuta and he surges forward instead, knocking Jaehyun’s arm out of the way.

Jaehyun doesn’t respond properly at first, stunned as he stares at Yuta with his eyes wide, and then he melts against Yuta’s lips. They fit together like puzzle pieces, perfectly cut and solely for each other. Yuta closes his eyes and hears the muffled sound of fireworks going off behind the glass. Jaehyun’s arms snake around his waist as he pushes Yuta’s back against the railing. 

Yuta loves him, feeling his knees go weak as Jaehyun takes control of the kiss. One of his hands stays on Yuta’s waist while the other moves up to hold his head in place as his tongue breaches Yuta’s lips. It’s a sort of intimacy that Yuta had never imagined he’d find himself experiencing, his head starts to spin as his nose bumps against Jaehyun’s.

Yuta loves him, he thinks as they break apart for some breathing room. Jaehyun pants, still holding him close, and Yuta doesn’t even know if he’s breathing, too preoccupied with the memory of how pleasant Jaehyun felt against him, he misses him already.

“Yuta,” Jaehyun breathes out in disbelief, staring at Yuta like a fish. He wonders if Jaehyun ever did research on their conversation about fish bowls all those weeks ago when Yuta still wanted nothing to do with him and Jaehyun was a little too persistent in trying to be with him.

He looks out the window and is met with a blank sky. “We missed the fireworks,” he sighs, disappointed. Then he turns back to a frowning Jaehyun.

“I mean,” Jaehyun says, still sounding rather confused as he squints at the floor. “It’s not really New Year’s day, did you forget? Is that why you wanted a kiss?”

“Jaehyun,” Yuta calls out, snapping Jaehyun out of whatever trance he seems to be stuck in. “It’s because I wanted to. I didn’t just want a kiss, I wanted one from you.”

“And why is that?” Jaehyun asks. Yuta thinks he already knows the answer, judging by the clarity of his eyes as he looks into Yuta’s, the hope he allows to show on his features. This is a lot more beautiful on him than worry. Jaehyun seeks an elaboration, he wants to know more, and Yuta won’t deny him of that.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Yuta replies softly. “I’m still scared, and I’m still unsure. But I want to try. I want to be yours for life.”

“You think,” Jaehyun says back, his index finger traces over Yuta’s waist. “Are you sure you’re ready to take that step?”

“I don’t know if I really am,” Yuta answers honestly, Jaehyun’s hand burns against his neck. “But I want to try.”

Jaehyun chuckles softly. “You’re still unsure, will you keep me waiting longer?”

“It’s only been a week since I asked you to wait,” Yuta points out.

“Don’t you know,” Jaehyun mumbles, leaning in so Yuta can feel his hot breath blowing against his cheek. “I’ve been waiting for you for years.”

“I figured you’ve already forgotten, we were so young,” Jaehyun laughs. “I’ve already confessed to you, we were eight and I asked if you would marry me one day.”

Yuta’s jaw drops. “What?” He gasps, and he hears Jaehyun’s laugh yet again, before feeling a pair of lips peck on his forehead. 

+

They had just finished learning about family units in class, a topic Yuta couldn’t quite relate to as his teacher had pointed to the board and written that the most important aspect of any family is love.

Sure, he loves his parents, but he’s also aware that the love he holds for them is different from the love his classmates have. Yuta’s love is overcome with fear, with the desperation to not disappoint, and even at eight years old, he’s well aware that his love is one-sided.

His parents don’t return it, they won’t return it until he lives up to their expectations. 

“You look pretty deep in thought,” Jaehyun comments and Yuta hadn’t even noticed him entering the classroom. Jaehyun is from the class next door, Yuta’s known him all his life, with their mothers being friends. He frequently comes over to speak to Yuta, though he has his own friends in his own class. Yuta, on the other hand, doesn’t really have any close friends outside Jaehyun, so he appreciates the company without complaining much. “What class did you have before this?”

“That one where the teacher just talks about life and being a good person and stuff,” Yuta replies, scrunching up his nose. “The topic today was on love and family.”

Jaehyun mirrors his scrunch, looking like Yuta had just told him a disgusting health fact he didn’t need to know. “I had that class yesterday.”

“Love isn’t really that important, is it? My family works normally,” Yuta comments.

Contrary to what he had expected, though, Jaehyun shakes his head. “Love is super important, there’s a big difference between how I view my mom and my father, all because of love!”

Yuta thinks on Jaehyun’s words for a moment, before clicking his fingers. “My parents are family too, even though they aren’t related. So, I guess, there’s more ways to become family than by birth.”

“Then, become my family,” Jaehyun says abruptly, casually, leaning onto Yuta’s desk. “Marry me, I can be family who loves you.”

Yuta scoffs. “Do you even hear yourself?”

“Fine,” Jaehyun spits, his face a violent shade of red. “I’ll ask you again when we’re all grown up, and by then I’ll make you love me.”

+

“What the fuck?” Yuta asks, eyes bugging out. He blinks to try and get them to settle but it doesn’t quite work.

“I knew you forgot,” Jaehyun laughs. “It probably didn’t mean much to you, but I’ve never stopped thinking about it since it happened.”

“Jaehyun, why were you proposing at eight years old?” Yuta asks with a laugh, a wary laugh that he knows conveys the tumultuous emotions he feels all over. 

“My mother used to tell me I’d know when I met my soulmate,” Jaehyun replies. “She never got to find hers, but the second I laid eyes on you, I knew that I was sent mine early. I knew I wanted to be with you forever from the very beginning.”

“You’re crazy,” Yuta scoffs.

“You’re falling in love with this crazy person,” Jaehyun teases, he beams at Yuta.

The reminder feels like a brick has been dropped on Yuta’s head and he's reminded again of all that could happen that would ruin everything between them. He has so much to fear, so many anxieties that plague him, because he knows he can’t lose Jaehyun again.

But he watches Jaehyun, confident as always. His eyes carry a glow of confidence that Yuta can’t even hope to own a fraction of. Jaehyun knows how he feels about Yuta, it’s unfair to doubt him, it’s unfair to claim it's all fake, because what does Yuta know? He doesn’t know Jaehyun as well as he thinks, he can’t possibly tell him what is love to him and what isn’t.

And Jaehyun has loved him for years.

“I love you,” Jaehyun says, arching his back as he leans against the railing. “Even if you’re still unsure, or if you actually don’t return my feelings. I won’t hold it against you, I’ll always love you. You don’t have to rush yourself, because I’ll wait for as long as you need me to.”

Yuta blinks and Jaehyun sighs, continuing. “I will ask for something though, I want you to really think about this. Think about whether you really like me, or if you’re just liking me out of,” he winces, “obligation, a sense of guilt. I want you to love me, sure, but not like that.”

“I know,” Yuta replies. “But can I ask you to keep kissing me?”

Jaehyun smirks. “I see you enjoyed it. I can do that.”

Jaehyun closes the gap between them again and the warmth that spreads through Yuta from their points of contact have him wondering how any of this could be fake.

If what he feels now isn't real, if he doesn’t truly love Jaehyun, then what could love possibly feel like when it’s true?

+

When Yuta gets home, he’s surprised to find his father present. He’s seated beside his mother at the dining table, his head in his hands as they converse in a quiet tone. When they hear Yuta approach slowly, they both fall silent and look at him with the same pairs of calculating eyes. Yuta wonders if he inherited that trait, he hopes he didn’t.

“You’re back from the city with Jaehyun,” his mother remarks, mostly to herself. Her voice is more spacey than usual, Yuta wonders if his father has even noticed her slowly changing over the weeks. “Did you make up your mind?”

Yuta blinks slowly, before nodding. “I have, I’m applying for NU.”

“A law major would be good,” his mother says, thinking out loud, and Yuta is reminded that becoming a lawyer was her dream, another piece of her life she had failed to accomplish. “You will apply for law, that institute has a good school of law.”

Yuta stares at her. “I’m not interested in law.”

His mother’s eye twitches and Yuta knows he’s struck a nerve, but before she can do anything about it, his father groans loudly. He massages his temple with one hand and the attention of both mother and son land on him. “You are both so loud,” he complains, sounding rather angry. “Yuta, go to your room. You can discuss this another day when I’m not here.”

Yuta nods in acknowledgement and begins heading to his room. He is halfway up the stairs when he hears the conclusion to the conversation that he’s sure he wasn’t supposed to hear.

“He’s your son too,” his mother argues, her voice is still as hushed as it was when Yuta enters the house. “This is your family as much as it is mine.”

“This is not a family.”

Yuta silently nods to himself, agreeing with the statement as he continues up to his room. There, family loses all meaning as Yuta seals himself away for the night.

**Yuta [19:12]:** yong

**Yuta [19:12]:** are you free tomorrow?

**Yongie [19:13]:** YOU'RE ASKING ME OUT???

**Yongie [19:14]:** YUYUUUUU

**Yongie [19:14]:** I'M ALWAYS FREE FOR U

**Yongie [19:15]:** i’m gonna brag to johnny

**Yongie [19:15]:** wait did u invite him too

**Yongie [19:16]:** should we invite him too

**Yuta [19:17]:** yong you’re spamming 

**Yuta [19:17]:** just you, i need to talk to my best friend

**Yongie [19:18]:** SO YOU HAVEN'T CRUELLY REPLACED ME

**Yongie [19:18]:** is this about jaehyun

**Yongie [19:18]:** should i prepare myself

**Yuta [19:19]:** it’s about him and also about everything else

**Yuta [19:20]:** i guess i just miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100K words written out my head is honestly spinning when i first started writing this i thought it'd be around 20k but it just expanded and expanded and now we're all the way here i can't believe it... anyways let me know what you thought and please have a good day!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw // non-descriptive violence  
> cw // panic attack (written based on my personal experiences with them)  
> cw // implied cheating
> 
> ^^ overall kinda heavy as a chapter pls take care

“Fuck,” Yuta curses as he lands loudly on the ground. He looks up to his window on the second floor, ensuring that it’s closed, before glaring at the roof tile that he had slipped off while trying to climb down. 

Movies always make sneaking out look so much easier than it actually is, Yuta thinks he’s probably gained at least four bruises in unspeakable places from the fall. None of that matters, though, because Taeyong is waiting for him just a few blocks down. 

He had messaged Taeyong in the evening of the previous day, asking him to meet up with him. Taeyong had responded enthusiastically, hopefully just as excited to see Yuta as he is to see Taeyong. No matter how many people he sees and speaks to, none of them are Taeyong, none of them come close to the openness Yuta feels when he's with the first person he considered a brother.

That’s why he only wants Taeyong present as he sorts out his feelings, only Taeyong can see him in that state of vulnerability. 

While walking, Yuta takes out his phone and scrolls through his timeline. He likes Doyoung’s post of him with Ten from the other day and wonders how this town could be so small for everyone to be linked by more than one connection. Further down, he sees Sicheng’s last post with Taeil and absentmindedly wonders if they’d started dating at some point without making it public. 

He sees Jaehyun’s last post from earlier in the morning, a selfie of him taken from what is possibly the worst angle ever. He still looks good, even if the angle has gravity swelling his face and making him look bloated. Yuta makes sure to convey his thoughts by liking the post and commenting something under it. 

**nkmtyuta:** cute!!

 **_jjaehyun: @nkmtyuta** i’ve been waiting for you to interact >:/

 **_jjaehyun: @nkmtyuta** thank you :(<3

He smiles to himself, Jaehyun replies really quickly. When he scrolls through the rest of Jaehyun’s comment section, he sees dozens of nameless people who have commented the same thing as him or something along similar lines. An odd pride swells in his heart when he realises he’s the only person Jaehyun replied to, aside from Jungwoo of course.

**kimjwoo:** ugly lol

 **_jjaehyun: @kimjwoo** HELLO WTF???

Yuta grins as he taps to load more messages of their public conversation, thinking that his walk to Taeyong’s could do with some sort of excitement.

**kimjwoo:** not my problem

 **kimjwoo:** i feel sorry for yuta

 **_jjaehyun: @kimjwoo** LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!!!!

 **kimjwoo:** maybe it’s not too late for doyoung to steal him

Just as Yuta reads the final comment, he receives a text from Jaehyun on their regular messaging app. He launches the app without reading the preview in his notification bar, knowing that whatever Jaehyun has to say should be answered immediately.

**Baby Jaehyun [11:32]:** i’m handsome and cute and beautiful right

 **Baby Jaehyun [11:33]:** and you like me the most right like way more than doyoung

 **Baby Jaehyun [11:33]:** i know you’re reading this

 **Yuta [11:34]:** what do you want

Jaehyun leaves the message open for a minute without replying and Yuta, ever the overthinker, wonders if he should have just been nicer and told Jaehyun yes. Even though he’s sure Jaehyun knows how he really feels, Yuta is also aware that it’s nice to be complimented. He’s about to type a proper answer to Jaehyun when the other’s message loads in, it’s a voice message.

Yuta blinks at his screen, knowing he left his earpieces on his desk before leaving the house. However, it’s only four seconds long and Yuta thinks he can just press it to his ears and listen, hoping no one else would listen into his audio.

He does just that, moving it up to his ear and tapping at where he knows the play button is. “I want you,” the audio plays out, in the lowest tone Yuta has heard from Jaehyun yet. Yuta almost drops his phone, hand shaking as he feels the back of his neck burn.

Memories of their kiss from the previous day fill Yuta’s mind and it only aids to speed up his steps on his walk to Taeyong’s. He knows he should get this off his chest with his friend as early as possible, after all, Taeyong always knows what to do.

**Yuta [11:37]:** go away

 **Baby Jaehyun[11:38]:** YUTA </3

+

When he arrives at Taeyong’s house, he finds his friend seated on the mangled swing set that hangs from a tree in his front yard. He holds a book, examining the pages deeply and not sparing Yuta a glance; Yuta wonders if he has even noticed his presence.

Upon closer inspection, Yuta realises as he creeps up behind Taeyong, it’s not an ordinary book, but a notebook. Dark strokes cover the lined pages, forming paragraphs of words in scrawling font over the otherwise empty space. He taps Taeyong’s shoulder and the boy jumps in his seat, slamming his notebook shut. 

“When did you get here?” Taeyong asks, visibly calming when he realises it’s Yuta and not a complete stranger. Yuta’s eyes scan the icicles that hang from the armrests of the bench and the pale pink shade on Taeyong’s nose, he exhales a visible breath that joins the clouds above.

“Just seconds ago,” Yuta replies easily, watching Taeyong grip the ropes of his faulty swing set to get up. “Did I disturb you?”

Taeyong shakes his head, his notebook dangling from one hand as he smiles sheepishly at Yuta, his nose gaining a deeper red hue than it had earlier. “I was waiting out here for you. Did you actually carry out your window plan?”

Yuta nods solemnly, trying to suppress a giggle. “I slipped on a roof tile, I think my bruises have bruises now.”

Taeyong sighs. “If I knew you were actually going to jump out a window, I would’ve come to watch. Come on, let’s go in. My mom’s at work but she made some muffins for us.”

Once inside, Yuta is sent up to Taeyong’s room on the third floor while his friend scurries around the kitchen to retrieve the muffins he had talked about. Yuta is greeted by Taeyong’s cat, Lee Bonbon, on the staircase and gently picks up the cat that he’s already familiar with, bringing it with him on his way up to Taeyong’s room.

He runs his fingers through Taeyong’s cat’s fur, the animal curled on his lap as he sits on Taeyong’s bed. It had always been a rather friendly cat that enjoyed the feeling of warm human hands. He looks around the room absentmindedly, sparing quick glances at the many pieces of paper pasted up on Taeyong’s walls with tape. There’s a selfie that he and Taeyong had taken in the first year of middle school, Lee Bonbon squished between their faces, the three of them barely fitting in the frame of the camera lens. Beside that, Yuta sees sketches of human-looking figures, long paragraphs of text lining the page beside the drawings. 

He doesn’t get to take a closer look at the papers because Taeyong enters the room right after, balancing two plates and a tupperware case of muffins. Yuta has to restrain himself from drooling on Taeyong’s cat print bedsheets, having always been obsessed with Taeyong’s mother’s cooking and baking. 

“Sorry it took so long,” Taeyong says, setting the plates down on the nightstand beside his bed and reaching over to ruffle the fur of Lee Bonbon in Yuta’s lap. “The plates were wet so I had to dry them.”

Yuta falls backwards on Taeyong’s bed, staring up at the ceiling as he feels the other sit beside him, casting a shadow over him. He sees the glow-in-the-dark stars plastered on Taeyong’s ceiling and grows only slightly envious of his best friend’s ability to decorate his room like this. His mother would bite his head off for even thinking of ruining the pristine walls of her house.

“So,” Taeyong begins, taking a bite out of a muffin. He kicks his legs against the floor, feet covered in a fuzzy pair of socks that Yuta vaguely recognises as Johnny’s birthday gift to him from the previous year. “You wanted to talk, spill it out.”

Yuta ponders on how much detail he should delve into with the other, before realising that it’s pointless to hide anything from the other. Taeyong’s grades can’t be saved at this point, but he’s always been the most observant person Yuta knows.

“I kissed Jaehyun,” Yuta states, the words feel foreign on his tongue. “I don’t know what made me reach out, but the next thing I knew, I was pulling him in.”

Contrary to his beliefs, Taeyong doesn’t quirk a teasing smile, nor does he don an _I told you so_ expression on his face. Instead, his eyes grow wide and his jaw slacks. “Seriously? When?”

“Yesterday,” Yuta replies, rubbing circles along Lee Bonbon’s back, blinking into the stars on the ceiling. “You’re not making fun of me.”

Taeyong smiles softly, reaching over to ruffle Yuta’s hair this time. “Lee Taeyong!” Yuta cries out. “That’s your muffin hand!”

Taeyong giggles, his fingers threading through Yuta’s hair curling and playfully grabbing at Yuta’s head instead. “You love me, enough to excuse the muffin crumbs you’ll find on your pillow tonight.”

“That’s debatable,” Yuta grumbles, feeling the cat stretch on his lap as Taeyong loosens his grip. “You really aren’t going to laugh at me? You and Jyan kept telling me I liked him and I just never listened.”

“So, you like him,” Taeyong mumbles, his words accompanied by a soft hum. When he looks at Yuta, he can see his reflection in Taeyong’s overly adoring gaze. “It doesn’t matter what John and I said, no one could tell you how you felt anyway.” He pauses, seemingly thinking. “Are you dating now?”

Yuta shakes his head, hearing the crinkling of sheets beneath him. “I asked him for time to think. I feel so shitty, Yong.”

Taeyong cocks his head curiously. “Why?”

Yuta sighs, sitting up properly so he can meet Taeyong’s eye, a sign of a serious conversation. “I kissed him, I initiated it,” Yuta says, frustrated. “And yet, I couldn’t tell him with certainty that I loved him. I think I do, I can’t imagine anything else, but I couldn’t admit it. Why did I think kissing him was okay?”

They’re quiet for many beats too long, Taeyong reaching for another muffin with his cursed muffin hand as he stares at the wall ahead of them. He finishes his second muffin in record breaking time.

Finally, Taeyong turns to him, discarding the muffin case on the edge of his plate. He chews slowly before swallowing, before he begins speaking at all. “I’m not going to laugh at you,” he declares. “You’re my best friend, laughing at you while you try to sort your feelings out isn’t something I’ll ever do.”

“Thank you, Taeyong.” Yuta tries to even his breathing. “I’m so scared of hurting him, there’s been enough hurt between us all these years. I want to end this, but I screwed up by kissing him and now I’m just as scared as,” he cuts himself off, his breathing uneven once again.

“As,” Taeyong repeats, a prompt for him to elaborate. 

“As the day,” he pauses again, noting the way his voice cracks and wondering if Taeyong would bother pointing it out, “as the day he left. The day he told me to meet him at our place and didn’t show up. The day he disappeared.”

Yuta doesn’t register himself crying until he feels Taeyong’s finger brush beneath his eyelid. “My poor baby, don’t cry,” Taeyong coos softly, playfully. It helps to lighten the mood, in ways Yuta tries to not think about too deeply. 

“I love him, Yong,” Yuta chokes out, and it takes a weight off his shoulder, to admit it out loud to the person who Yuta knows would be the last on earth to betray him. “I’m so, so scared.”

“I love you and Johnny, but this isn’t the same. This terrifies me, the way I love Jaehyun terrifies me,” Yuta continues, his voice cracking more often than not now. Yuta is aware he’s an ugly crier, but none of it matters with Taeyong anyway. “Because he could leave me all over again, and I know that I’ll never get over it, just like how I’ve never gotten over the first time.”

Taeyong sighs, reaching over to grab his cat off Yuta’s lap. He dumps Lee Bonbon on his pillow and takes Yuta by the shoulders, pushing him down until his head rests on his lap. “I think you should talk to Jaehyun about that, you still don’t know why he left right?”

“He mentioned his family played a hand in it, but I don’t know the specifics. I didn’t want to pry, and he looked upset,” Yuta replies quietly, looking up as Taeyong looks down. “His comfort comes before my curiosity.”

“Does he love you?” Taeyong asks suddenly. “Did he directly confess to you?”

Yuta purses his lips. “He’s been confessing for a while now, I’ve just ignored him all this time.”

Taeyong cracks a smile. “So, Jaehyun is a desperate man. He’s normal, after all.” He then crosses his arms and sulks. “But I still think you’re too good for him, you’re too good for anyone. I don’t know how I feel about him stealing a heart as precious as yours.”

Taeyong’s fingers slowly combing through his hair, paired with the artificial warmth of his bedroom, almost put Yuta to sleep on his friend’s lap. A hazy mind brings up memories that had almost slipped from him through the years. “Do you remember the time we kissed?”

Taeyong chuckles. “I wanted you to be my first kiss, and you agreed for some reason. Thanks for that, otherwise I would’ve lost something so magical to that dumb boy I dated for a week in sophomore year.”

“You were mine too, otherwise I would’ve lost it to Jaehyun yesterday,” Yuta admits. “I didn’t think of you when I had him close, but on the drive home I compared how I felt all those years ago to how I felt then. I love you, Yong, but it’s not the same.”

Taeyong doesn’t look offended, nor does he look upset by Yuta’s confession. Instead, he leans down awkwardly and presses his lips to Yuta’s forehead, and again, Yuta compares the lack of sparks to the furious burn of Jaehyun’s. 

Yuta’s not in love with Taeyong, he’s known that with certainty since the moment Taeyong collided with him in the hallways, disoriented after receiving an awful scolding from his teachers. Yuta had spilled an entire carton of milk down both their shirts and Taeyong had burst into tears upon impact. At the time, Yuta thought that maybe this thirteen-year-old boy was genuinely that upset about getting a bit of milk on his shirt.

Years later, he knows Taeyong’s reasonings and knows that his best friend had been holding in his tears for many weeks before they had met. All it took was one minor inconvenience for Taeyong’s walls to crash down and his tears to spill into the puddle of milk at Yuta’s feet. 

Yuta’s not in love with Taeyong, he never has been, but Taeyong is one of the dearest people in his life regardless. He was someone Yuta would die for without question, and he can tell by the tender touch of fingers through his hair, that Taeyong would lay down his life all the same. 

“I love you,” Yuta mumbles. “So much, I love you so much.”

Taeyong pauses and seems to think carefully before giving an answer. Yuta expects to be smothered, but is instead met with a smirk and a gentle tug on his hair. “Now, darling, is saying that really appropriate to the man whose lap you lie on? We could develop a problem.”

Yuta jerks up, staring at his friend in scandalised disgust. “You’re so gross,” he spits, his stare is strong and only wavers when Taeyong’s smirk slips away and is replaced by a cheerful laugh. Yuta joins in seconds later, unable to refrain from bursting into a fit of giggles himself. 

“I love you too, dumbass,” Taeyong laughs, pulling Yuta in for a hug. “I’d bring the moon down for you.”

Yuta remembers why he came, aside from catching up with Taeyong again after a week without him. “Yong,” he calls out quietly, waiting for Taeyong to turn his attention to him. “What should I do about Jaehyun?”

“Dump him and run off,” Taeyong replies flatly, receiving a prompt elbow to his side. He yelps and pouts. “Fine, fine.”

“I think you should go for it,” Taeyong says softly, raising his hand when he notices Yuta about to protest. “And I know you’re scared of being wrong about how you feel, or of him leaving you again. I know you’re terrified, but isn’t that just life? You can’t expect every day to be a bed of roses, sometimes you’ll get cut by the thorns too, but that’s just life. You have to take risks to truly understand what you want and need.”

“And if you fall, Johnny and I will not only be beneath you to catch you,” he adds as an afterthought. “We will also work together to castrate Jaehyun on your behalf.”

“Yong!”

“I’m kidding,” Taeyong laughs. “Mostly.” He receives an elbow to the side yet again and Yuta hears another laugh leave his lips. “You claim you’re unsure about how you feel, or that you’re scared of feeling so strongly about someone you used to hate so much. You claim to know nothing, but you love him, every part of your body says you’re in love with him. 

“Maybe you’re wrong and everything will end in a disaster, maybe you’ll lose him forever and maybe that’ll hurt enough to stay with you for the rest of your life. But what if it works out? What if you’re truly in love with him and he feels the same, and all you’re doing is wasting time now?”

“Besides,” Taeyong muses. “I think you’re the only person who hasn’t realised that Jaehyun would squash the planet if he found out you were a flat earther.”

Yuta looks at Taeyong with large eyes spread wider by the shock. “Taeyong, that was so astute.”

“Of course it was.” Yuta follows Taeyong’s eye and finds him staring longingly at the papers on the wall that had caught his eye earlier. “That’s a writer's skill, isn’t it?”

Yuta stands from Taeyong’s bed and quietly walks over to the papers, taking a closer look at them like he had wanted to from the moment he entered Taeyong’s room. They’re notebook sheets, carefully torn from the spine of the notebook that Yuta remembers seeing Taeyong hold on his swing set. 

Taeyong chuckles, a little nervously. “I drew those, they’re reference sheets for my characters.”

“Characters?” Yuta asks curiously, scanning the designs pencilled messily into the paper. “Which one is Kageyama?”

Taeyong falls back against the bed with a loud thud. “Neither,” he replies. “These are mine, completely. I’ve been writing a lot lately.”

Yuta hears the drop in his voice, the subtle crack of his tone, and turns to find Taeyong sitting back up. He smiles nervously at Yuta, an arm rubbing at his other. “I want to make my own story.”

Yuta’s eyes widen. “You mean, professionally? You want to be an author?” 

Taeyong hums softly in response, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t think I would be good enough for that, but I was thinking of posting it online. Johnny’s always laughing at me for writing fanfiction so I want to try writing something real, I guess?”

“Who cares about him?” Yuta asks, even though he knows by the look in Taeyong’s eyes that he does. He continues before Taeyong has a chance to cut him off. “It’s real, it’s still your work and honestly, I felt more reading your last Makoharu than I did reading Harry Potter. If you really want to make your own story, do it because you want to, not to prove something to that idiot Johnny.”

“Johnny is your friend too,” Taeyong says softly, his voice breaks.

“I love him, and we both love you,” Yuta replies. “That's why I’m saying this, I know he would agree with me if he knew what you really thought. You’re extremely talented, Taeyong. Don’t sell yourself short.”

He hears a sniffle and when he looks to meet his friend’s eye, he sees them wide open and full of tears. Yuta sighs to himself and spreads his arms, waiting for the familiar weight of Taeyong to fall into them. Taeyong curls his entire body against Yuta’s and Yuta wraps his arms around him, patting his back gently. 

“I love you,” Yuta mumbles, burying his face into Taeyong’s hair as his friend’s sniffles turn to sobs. It’s not the first time he’s seen Taeyong cry, considering exactly how they met, but it cuts just as deeply every time. “I’d pick you over the world, you know that.”

“Even over Jaehyun?” Taeyong asks, voice breaking as he smiles shakily at Yuta. Yuta pats him on the head. 

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” he jokes and then grins at Taeyong. “I love you, okay? Whatever it is you want to do, I’ll always support you.”

+

“I love writing,” Taeyong says later, over his dining table as Yuta (finally!) gets to eat Taeyong’s mother’s kimchi fried rice again, leftovers from the Lees dinner. Yuta looks up from his plate and chews gently, nodding to urge Taeyong to continue. “I’m not good at school like you are, and I don’t have the open personality that Johnny does. I have no dreams or passions aside from this, this is the only thing I want to do. I want to write, I want to be able to do this forever.”

“I can’t wait to pick up your first book, then,” Yuta says smugly once he finishes his spoonful. He grins brightly. “I will brag to everyone I know that I’m best friends with the #1 New York Times’ Best Selling Author, Lee Taeyong, and I will get a lot of followers by associating myself with you.”

Taeyong snorts. “I haven’t even started yet and you’re already planning to ride off my potential fame. You never change, do you?”

“Nope,” Yuta replies with a shit-eating grin, ignoring the churning in his stomach and the memory of Ten’s words that tell him that _yes,_ he is changing.

He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but he hopes it is. If there’s one thing Yuta knows, it’s that he could never turn back to the person he was in the summer.

+

**Baby Jaehyun [03:55]:** spend christmas with me

 **Baby Jaehyun [03:56]:** please

 **Yuta [07:41]:** stop sleeping so late

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:30]:** stop waking up so early??? what is wrong with u

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:31]:** and anyways you didn’t answer me

 **Yuta [10:42]:** what do you have in mind?

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:43]:** chanyeol and baekhyun are hosting their annual joint christmas party

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:43]:** wanted to ask you to be my date

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:44]:** i’ve gone with doyoung for 3 years straight and he always complains and we leave early

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:45]:** this year i want to be with you

 **Yuta [10:45]:** just realised people outside our friend groups still think we hate each other

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:45]:** there’s a million posts on that confession board about me staring at your ass whenever you bend over i think they get the hint

 **Yuta [10:46]:** you keep up with that board?

 **Yuta [10:46]:** hang on, my ass? what is your problem -_-

 **Yuta [10:46]:** you are a baby

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:47]:** IM 18 IN TWO MONTHS???

 **Yuta [10:47]:** a baby… so young… speaking with youngsters reminds me of my youth too…

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:47]:** bitches turn 18 and switch up on you >:/

 **Yuta [10:48]:** did you just call me a bitch

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:48]:** NO

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:48]:** so about the party…

 **Yuta [10:49]:** i don’t know i’m not really a fan of loud spaces…

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:49]:** oh

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:49]:** that’s ok then

 **Yuta [10:50]:** i mean… i can try

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:50]:** nah don’t do that i don’t want you to be uncomfortable

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:50]:** it’d be nice to spend the day with you though, even if not at chanyeol and baekhyun’s party

 **Yuta [10:51]:** i’d be happy to go anywhere else with you

 **Baby Jaehyun [10:52]:** are you free to video chat?

 **Yuta [10:52]:** yeah

It’s been almost a week since he had last seen Jaehyun and Yuta doesn’t realise how much he misses him until he sees Jaehyun’s caller ID flash on his screen and his heart clenches in his chest. 

He accepts the call and immediately, Jaehyun’s face appears on his phone screen. Privately, Yuta wishes his phone was a little bigger just to get a slightly bigger glimpse of him. Jaehyun smiles sweetly at him. “I missed your face.”

“You viewed my story yesterday, I posted selfies on there,” Yuta replies shortly, hoping the lighting in his room doesn’t betray him and show the red hue he knows dusts over his cheeks.

“Other people could see that,” Jaehyun complains, sulking, and Yuta remembers that the last time he checked, which was this morning, he had over sixty views on his stories. He doesn’t have a lot of followers, being a private account, and he definitely has less than Jaehyun does, but he knows Jaehyun would nitpick on that too. “I’m your future husband, I want special unseen content.”

“Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself?” Yuta teases, holding back his smile when he sees Jaehyun scrunch up his face. “Write up a powerpoint on why I should marry you and pitch it to me, maybe then I’ll consider it.”

“Don’t challenge me,” Jaehyun warns. “I’ll actually do it, and then I’ll present it in front of all of our friends to embarrass both of us.”

Yuta laughs airily, not quite taking Jaehyun seriously. It’s nice like this, talking to the person that in just a few weeks, he’s come to know all over again. Yuta knows he’s changed, knows Jaehyun has as well, because they’re both more mellow than they were when they were nine, crying over scraped knees and chasing after the ice cream truck on a hot summer day. Yuta knows they’re both not the same people they used to be, but somehow, being with Jaehyun reminds him exactly how he felt all those years ago when life was simpler.

He wonders how it’s possible to still know Jaehyun like the back of his own hand, or like the winding streets he grew up on. He wonders if it’s possible that maybe, just maybe, while they both evolved, perhaps they both changed at the same pace in the same direction.

Perhaps, Yuta had grown up just to be Jaehyun’s.

“You alright?” Jaehyun asks, and it pulls Yuta out of his own head. He blinks at his screen, where Jaehyun is leaning far too close to his own camera, showing only his thick eyebrows and small forehead. “You froze for a bit, is your connection okay?”

“It’s alright,” Yuta replies, his heart buzzing in his chest as he thinks that maybe Jaehyun has always been right, that there’s no one else in the world for either of them. “I wanna see you again,” he says, out loud, without thinking. When his brain finally catches up with his mouth, he feels like he could bust his skull open on the wall before him.

He focuses on Jaehyun on the other side of the screen, he holds his face in his hands and Yuta can see red tones on the skin that peeks between his fingers. “You are going to kill me, at this rate.”

“Is that a no?” Yuta asks, his heart sinking with anxiety that maybe he’s overstepped, or pressured Jaehyun into doing things he doesn’t want to do. Maybe Jaehyun doesn’t want to see him again, maybe what happened the other day under the fireworks has Jaehyun second-guessing if he really liked Yuta after all.

“Hey, I can feel you overthinking through the screen,” Jaehyun says, and Yuta looks to find him, still red in the face but his hands no longer obstruct his face. “I could see you every second of my life and not get bored, really, I’m just a little shocked that you’d be so upfront with it.”

“Okay,” Yuta replies, laughing nervously. He’s still not used to this either, this ability to tell Jaehyun how he feels even if it’s embarrassing. Still, he wants to try. “Then I’ll see you soon.”

Jaehyun grins. “I’m looking forward to it.” He doesn’t hear what happens in the background, but he sees Jaehyun turn his head towards the closed door behind him. He turns back and sighs. “That crazy woman is calling for me again, I have to go.”

“Oh,” is all Yuta can say, disappointment curling in his stomach, making him feel ugly for wanting anymore of Jaehyun’s time. “Bye then.”

“Bye.” Yuta wonders if he imagines it but Jaehyun looks just as disappointed as he feels, and he decides to believe it even if it’s not true, because it makes him feel a lot less pathetic. “I miss you already.”

Jaehyun hangs up before Yuta gets a chance to reply, a chance to tell him that he misses him too. It leaves a churning feeling in his stomach, the clashing thoughts of being overly affectionate or not at all. He wonders which one Jaehyun would prefer, because he had reacted strangely to Yuta being direct about his desire to see him again, but he also reacts strangely to a lack of boldness on Yuta’s end.

Yuta knows every part of Jaehyun, except for what he wants most in a partner. It’s not a topic they had touched on at all in their childhood, what kind of spouse Jaehyun wanted, but Yuta knows he would try his best to fill the role of whatever Jaehyun wanted.

He feels giddy, referring to himself as Jaehyun’s potential spouse. It doesn’t matter how young they are, and Yuta ignores the small voice in his brain telling him that it’s a naïve, childish thought, but Yuta knows he’d be ready to marry Jaehyun whenever.

And he wonders if that’s the sign of falling in love, or if it’s a sign that maybe it’s just something about them that’s always been that way.

+

**Yuta [16:45]:** i’ll go to the party

 **Yuta [16:45]:** i’ll climb out my window again if i have to

 **Baby Jaehyun [16:46]:** you’re coming? :0

 **Yuta [16:46]:** i’ll leave if it gets too intense, but i want to try doing what you like too

 **Baby Jaehyun [16:47]:** i like You

 **Baby Jaehyun [16:47]:** i’d do anything if it’s with you

 **Yuta [16:49]:** i like you too

+

Christmas comes in the blink of an eye. Yuta studies for some of his subjects in the days between his call with Jaehyun and the party, losing himself in stacks of revision notes and not realising how much time passes with every completed worksheet.

Somewhere in between, he video calls Johnny and Taeyong to let them know he’s decided to sneak out and go. Johnny will deny it, but he shed happy tears and proclaimed Yuta his little boy finally reaching his rebellious phase. 

Taeyong, however, had his reservations. In a private chat later, he had asked Yuta again if it was really okay. Yuta wants to say it’ll be fine, but the dread that slowly pools in his stomach tells a different story.

Still, he wants to do this, to enter Jaehyun’s world and try to be a little braver. What good would he be if he couldn’t do something as simple as follow Jaehyun to somewhere he wants to go?

Christmas isn’t any different a time in his household as other days. Yuta’s parents have never been into celebrating the festive season, deeming it a loud and unnecessary time. Although, when growing up with Jaehyun, Yuta would always go to his house to celebrate the holidays, even if the celebration was just the two of them.

So with Jaehyun’s absence, Yuta had nothing to look forward to around the end of the year. To him, winter break was just a short period that his parents expected him to use polishing his education to perfection. Time didn’t move any differently this season for many years, but now that Jaehyun is back, Yuta thinks the year end approaches faster than it normally does, in tune with the beating of his heart.

Then, the day comes, and Yuta is once again faced with the daunting task of tumbling out his window. He double checks his belongings before realising he left his bracelet in the bathroom downstairs, he sighs, knowing that he may as well use the front door if he’s going all the way down.

When he walks down the stairs, however, he jumps in shock when he notices Jaehyun sitting across from his father in the living room. He uses his phone, not looking up and noticing Yuta. Yuta wants to blurt out and ask how he got into his house, or why he is sitting with his father, of all people, but he decides to stay quiet and rush to the bathroom instead to retrieve the bracelet.

He puts it on with ease before gripping the edges of the sink and staring intensely in the mirror, scrutinising himself for anything that would make him look less than perfect in Jaehyun’s eyes. When he finds nothing, he sighs and slowly opens the bathroom door, peeking out to check if Jaehyun is still there or if it had been a figment of his imagination all along.

It isn’t, Jaehyun is still sitting on his mother’s favourite loveseat. This time, he notices Yuta and shuts off his phone before standing. He says something that Yuta can’t hear to his father before grinning and walking over to where Yuta leans against the side of the bathroom door. He holds Yuta’s wrist, their bracelets clinking against each other with every movement, and tugs at it to get him to begin moving.

Yuta’s stomach churns as they walk past his father and reach the front door, he wants to get out of there as quickly as possible so he can question Jaehyun thoroughly. The pressing question is how exactly he got into Yuta’s house, then followed by asking him if he and his father had talked about anything.

Jaehyun stops at the door, hand on the doorknob but not twisting it, instead, he turns to Yuta’s

“We’ll be leaving now, Sir,” Jaehyun says, startling Yuta with a sudden conversation. His father looks up from his copy of the newspaper that Yuta had brought into the house in the morning. “Happy holidays.”

His father makes a grunt of approval, it’s rude but at the same time, it’s much more than Yuta has ever received. Honestly, Yuta doesn’t know whether to be jealous or impressed. Jaehyun opens the door and they’re about to walk out when another sentence catches them both off guard. “Yuta,” his father says. “You’ve been looking sickly recently.”

“I haven’t noticed,” he answers stiffly, not quite sure how to hold a conversation with the enigma of a man he calls his father. 

“Don’t fall sick,” his father advises dryly, looking out the window. Yuta follows his eye and finds icicles hanging from the outer window frame. “Your mother will be displeased.”

He bows his head to his father. “I will be careful.”

Once down the street and far enough from home, Yuta lets out a shaky exhale, stunned by the semi-decent conversation he managed to have with his father. Jaehyun’s hand remains around his wrist as Yuta steadies his speeding heart, eventually he slips it down to grasp Yuta’s hand in his own.

“That was strange,” Yuta remarks breathlessly, returning the grip on Jaehyun’s hand tightly, searching for solace in the way their fingers intertwine. 

“You looked like you were about to puke,” Jaehyun teases, bringing their joint hands up to his lips and pressing a soft kiss to the back of his palm. “Merry Christmas, Yuyu.”

“Happy Christmas to you too,” Yuta mumbles, feeling unusually hot for a December day as he replays the sight of Jaehyun’s lips brushing against his hand. “You were speaking to my father?”

Jaehyun nods noncommittally. “I asked him directly if he had a problem with me bringing you out for Christmas, unrelated to our academics,” Jaehyun explains, looking up at the sky. “One day, when we’re older, the only person I’ll have to ask is you. But for now, I can deal with having to ask your parents too.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuta laughs airily. “It’s troublesome, isn't it?” 

Jaehyun doesn’t laugh, shaking his head. “It isn’t.” He then raises his other arm and lightly chops Yuta on the head, right side of his face pulling inwards as his nose twitches. “Don’t apologise over nothing.”

Yuta laughs again, brighter this time, and Jaehyun smiles warmly at him. “I like you so much,” he says, following his words with an affectionate sigh. 

Yuta hums in response, swinging their arms. “What time does the party start? What time does it end?” 

“These things don’t really have a start or end time, you just show up whenever you want and leave whenever you feel like,” Jaehyun explains. “At least, that’s how Chanyeol’s work. I don’t know much about Baekhyun.”

“So you’re on Team Chanyeol? No wonder Taeyong hates you.”

Jaehyun grins, recognising the popular joke throughout the children of the town, he knocks his shoulder against Yuta’s. “Taeyong hates me because he’s terrified I’ll corrupt his cute little best friend.” He reaches over and boops Yuta on the nose, his grin spreading wider. “I, of course, have plans to do that someday. But for now, I’m a victim of false accusations.”

He feigns hurt so well that it takes Yuta extra time to register the meaning of his words, when he does, he pulls his hand away from him and blushes furiously. “What is wrong with you?”

“Are you going to call me a baby again? You know there’s only four months between us, right?” Jaehyun asks, leaning in closer. 

Yuta rolls his eyes, moving his hands up to clamp Jaehyun’s face between them. “Shut up,” he says, pulling Jaehyun down and placing a peck on his lips. Jaehyun doesn’t seem to register what happened until after Yuta pulls away.

“Hey,” Jaehyun protests, trying to lean in again only to get gently shoved away by Yuta. “That’s not fair, I wasn’t prepared! Hey, do it again!”

“No,” Yuta says simply, face red in embarrassment. “Go away. I’m leaving town, don’t contact me ever.”

“You're so cute, I could faint right here,” Jaehyun sighs dreamily. “If I do, you’ll give me CPR, won’t you?”

“I’ve already told you, I don’t know how to do CPR. My mother opted me out of the class in middle school because she thought it was useless.”

“A pity,” Jaehyun sighs again.

They walk in silence, their hands now detached, though Yuta can feel Jaehyun’s knuckles as he knocks his hand against his. It’s just comforting to have him so close after so many years of them being worlds apart. 

When Jaehyun speaks again, his tone is far more somber, it’s sobering and sounds alien coming from him. “Are you really sure about this party?”

“I think so,” Yuta replies brightly. “You can’t just be doing what I like all the time, I want you to be happy too.”

Jaehyun turns to him and smiles, a beautiful smile that reminds Yuta of the city lights. “Idiot,” he mumbles, leaning in and pressing his lips to Yuta’s head. Yuta doesn’t have enough time to protest the tender way Jaehyun had insulted him, because Jaehyun pulls away and looks at Yuta with all the affection in the world. “Being with you makes me happy.”

“You’ll tell me if it gets too much, right?” Jaehyun asks softly as they approach Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s house. Yuta can already see people spilling out of it, the house packed, and he thinks just looking at it is enough to make him feel lightheaded.

“Yeah,” Yuta replies, ignoring the voice in the back of his head telling him that it’s already too much.

+

It happens one hour in.

At first Yuta stays close to Jaehyun as his friend goes around speaking to people Yuta doesn’t know. Jaehyun’s circle is so much bigger than his, there’s so many people who stop him to speak while Yuta floats through the crowd without hindrance, trying to keep Jaehyun within range. 

Then, somehow, as the crowd grows increasingly dense by the second, Jaehyun slips out of his sight like he was never there in the first place. Yuta feels his world spin as people push against him, breathing against him, and he desperately pushes through the crowd to try and find Jaehyun. He needs to get out of here and go home, his heart constricts in him as he tries to find Jaehyun in a room that becomes more dizzying by the second.

A hand clamps around his wrist, wrapping against his bracelet, and pulls him through the crowd. Yuta, lightheaded from an inability to breathe properly, allows himself to get tugged forward by a hand that feels a little larger than Jaehyun’s.

When he opens his eyes again, he’s outdoors and the air is so much colder than it was an hour ago when he entered the house. His back is pressed against the outer walls of the building as he breathes heavily, feeling the heaviness of his limbs as he leans closer to the wall for support. 

“So,” the person who helped him says, it’s a familiar voice, Yuta can recognise it even through the haze of his mind. He looks up to face him, panting, and finds the captain of the basketball team opposing Jaehyun’s that he had met a few weeks ago.

Minyong stands before him, imposing in his height as he lights a cigarette hanging from his lips. “I saw Jaehyun around the party scrambling around to look for you, he looked like he was moments away from fainting.”

“It was funny, but I did feel bad for you when I saw you in that state by yourself.” He pulls the cigarette from his lips and blows it out, Yuta wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a puff of cigarette and regular breath in the cold air if he didn’t already know. “Merry Christmas,” he adds, as an afterthought.

Yuta nods in response. “You too,” he mumbles. “What are you doing here?”

“Half my team is here tonight, our captain from last year is close friends with Chanyeol,” he explains patiently and Yuta stops himself from wondering why either of them is entertaining such a pointless conversation with a stranger. “I should ask you the same, what exactly are you doing here if you can’t handle crowds?”

“I came with Jaehyun,” Yuta replies quietly, his eyes widening after he speaks. “I need to find him, sorry.”

He watches the cigarette fall from Minyong’s lips and land on the ground, dangerously close to the patch of grass just inches away from the paved ground they stand on. He crushes it with the sole of his boot, twisting it into the ground sickly as he stares down at Yuta, without lowering his head. Yuta feels his legs freeze in place, rooted to the ground when earlier all he had wanted was to run off and find Jaehyun. 

“I’m not done,” he says coldly. “Damn it, don’t leave until I’m done talking.”

He cages Yuta against the wall and Yuta stares back at him, pupils dilating when he sees the hostility in Minyong’s cold glare. The other smiles emptily at him and Yuta’s heart sinks at the sight. “Did you think I really found you pretty?” He asks dryly, his smile twists into a scowl that makes Yuta feel like his throat has been ripped from within his neck. Yuta feels sick just looking at him. “I find you disgusting. That damn innocent façade you show Jaehyun, when all I’m receiving from you right now is your true, ugly face.”

Yuta blinks owlishly, his stomach flipping. “I’m not,” he tries to say, though his voice cracks and it comes out in a shaky whisper. “I’m not showing a façade.”

“Having him wrapped around your finger probably makes you feel good, right?” Minyong asks, leaning in. His lips almost touch Yuta’s ear and Yuta begins to squirm under him. “It’s your goddamn fault, shit.”

Yuta watches his fist move and for a second, Minyong transforms into his mother, raising her hand as a forewarning of a slap to his face. Out of his control, Yuta begins to violently thrash, desperate to escape the cage Minyong holds him in. Even if he sees the truth now, even if it’s no longer an illusion of the woman who haunts Yuta’s every thought, he can’t stop the violent reaction he had always wanted to show to his mother. 

“Get off me!” He screeches, his entire body twisting under Minyong. “Fucking get off me!”

It’s a mix of colours, whatever happens after that. Yuta feels the weight ripped off him and watches through his blurred vision as someone grabs onto Minyong by the collar of his shirt and lands a punch on his face, one that knocks him to the ground almost instantly. He continues to watch as the other stomps on Minyong with heavy boots, listens to the pained groans and shouts that escape from the basketballer’s mouth as the unknown man kicks him.

Yuta stares ahead, unwilling to move as scenes of his mother play in the back of his brain, watching as the figure beats Minyong and wondering if his mother looked like that when aggressing. The crowd speaks loudly around him, dozens of people whose voices drown out in his mind. Yuta wonders if she’s been as violent and angry as the display before Yuta. 

The beating stops and Yuta watches as the person gets up and slowly begins to move closer towards him. The drowned voices turn from sloshing waves against the shore to a violent buzzing that rattles his brain, and when a hand reaches out to him, Yuta slams himself against the wall of the building, looking at a sight he can’t register with unshed tears and what he _knows_ is a feral look in his eyes.

“Don’t touch me.” He tries to sound as sharp as earlier, but it comes out soft and more like a plea instead. “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.”

He sinks down against the wall, holding his face in his hands. “Don’t touch me,” he whimpers, wondering if he’s even speaking out loud, because he can’t even hear his own voice. Her words flash through his mind, he can’t trust anyone, not anyone outside his family, or his parents themselves. His head spins painfully, imagining the worst as this man reaches for his hair and grabs it roughly, hands feeling so much like his mother’s. His pulse kicks in harshly as he begins hitting at the open space before him, eyes screwed shut, hoping that just the sight of his arms moving on their own, throwing out into the open space, would be enough to ward off anyone. “Don’t touch me!” He screeches again, it starts becoming the only thing he knows how to say, his voice cracking from the dryness, but he continues to cry out.

His fist collides with something hard and he hears a soft groan, one that sounds far too familiar for Yuta to not be able to connect it, one that breaks through the vibrations running through his mind. 

The world around him suddenly comes back into focus and Yuta is made aware of the twisted shape his body lies in, the familiarity of the strong arms that wrap around him, the smell of scented muscle tape and some shitty, cheap cologne, the dampness of his forehead, and the pure exhaustion that runs through his body as Jaehyun holds him close.

“Yuta,” he breathes out, before repeating it in a soft voice. “Yuta, Yuta.”

“Jaehyun,” he mumbles back quietly, feeling Jaehyun’s grip on him tighten. 

“You’re okay,” he says, his hands reaching up his back to toy with the collar of Yuta’s shirt. Yuta’s fist falls from Jaehyun’s stomach, feeling the painful buzzing dissolve away. “Can you get up?”

Yuta’s mouth dries as he shakes his head, tucking his face into Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Sorry,” he chokes out, feeling tears prick at his eyes at the knowledge that he had hit Jaehyun. Even if he wasn’t in the right state of mind, it doesn’t change the fact that he hurt Jaehyun.

Jaehyun releases him from his bone-crushing hug and instead places his arms under his neck and knees. Slowly, Yuta feels himself lift off the ground, Jaehyun’s arms supporting his weight. He turns slightly and throws his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, burying his face against Jaehyun’s collarbone. “Don’t apologise,” he says, his tone demanding but gentle. “I’ll bring you to my house, my parents aren’t in today and I’m not leaving you in yours.”

+

Yuta doesn’t know why he falls asleep, perhaps it’s how tired he is or perhaps it’s the way he feels so safe and warm, tucked in Jaehyun’s arms as the latter carries him home. Either way, he wakes up later in a bed that isn't his own and a shirt he doesn’t remember buying. 

“Oh,” Jaehyun says brightly. Yuta turns to find him sitting on his desk chair, a book on his lap. He wears a pair of glasses that Yuta doesn’t recall him ever needing and beams at Yuta. “You’re finally awake.”

“Jaehyun,” he mumbles, trying to sit up only to fall back onto the mattress upon realisation that his arms feel like jello. Jaehyun chuckles and stands from his chair, placing the book on his desk and walking over. He sits beside Yuta on the bed and reaches over, grabbing Yuta under the armpits and pulling him onto his lap.

They’re in a familiar position, except this time, it’s swapped and Yuta is the one lying down on Jaehyun, seeking comfort from the other’s warmth. Yuta feels like he could easily fall asleep again, just from the pleasant atmosphere of the room and the smell of Jaehyun that overpowers him, but he remembers that he still needs to explain himself, even if Jaehyun’s brushed it off like it’s nothing.

“Jaehyun,” he calls out, his voice sounding distant. Jaehyun looks down at him, carding his fingers through Yuta’s hair, and smiles a more burdened version of his childhood grin. “I’m sorry for hitting you, I didn’t know it was you and I panicked. I’m really sorry, but I can’t promise it won’t happen again.”

Jaehyun continues brushing through his hair, humming softly. “What exactly happened?” 

“I’m scared of being hit,” Yuta confesses anxiously. “Normally, I can stomach it, but when I’m stressed I’ll descend into that state at even the lightest touch from someone I don’t trust.”

“Is it a form of trauma?” Jaehyun asks, untangling a section of his hair that Yuta imagines must’ve matted while he was on the ground. 

“Anyone would be afraid, wouldn’t they?”

“Not to that point,” Jaehyun says, shaking his head and Yuta’s stomach drops. “I almost couldn’t recognise you at that moment. It was scary.”

“I’m sorry.” Yuta feels sick all over, his body trembling. He scared Jaehyun, of all people he’s managed to scare the one person who means the world to him. He hit him and scared him. Yuta has to be some sort of monster to do that to anyone, and the fact that the victim was the person who still holds him in his lap makes his blood run cold.

“I can feel you shaking,” Jaehyun chuckles humorlessly. “For the record, I wasn’t scared of you, nor what was happening. I just didn’t want you to hurt yourself, I was terrified.”

“Besides, I have to apologise to you too,” Jaehyun adds quietly. “I shouldn’t have even suggested we go, I know how you are better than anyone and I realised too late that you wouldn’t back down after I brought it up. I lost you in the crowd and couldn’t find you. More than anything, I let you get caught up in my personal affairs. I’m sorry, Yuta.”

“It’s not your fault,” Yuta insists, before pausing and narrowing in on Jaehyun’s words. “Personal affairs?”

Jaehyun shrugs. “Minyong’s still pissed at me for some shit that happened two years ago. Since he is the worst person ever, I suppose he decided to take it out on the person dearest to me instead of on me.” He cracks his knuckles against the bed frame. “Next time I see him, I’ll snap his neck.”

“What exactly happened?” Yuta asks.

Jaehyun sighs and then casts an affectionate smile at Yuta. “I said I’d tell you everything, right?” He phrases it like a question, but the spark of recognition in his eyes is enough for Yuta to know that Jaehyun understands why he wants to uncover every part of his life. “I dated Minyong for, like, a month.” He punctuates his words with a laugh. “It was around two years ago. We had already known each other quite well and despite being on opposing teams, we were good friends. I suppose he started to like me at some point, though he already had a girlfriend. I met her at several games, she was so kind but so headstrong. If anything, she reminded me of you at ten years old.”

“He liked you while having a girlfriend?” Yuta asks, rather offended on behalf of the girl. “Gross.”

Jaehyun grins, his hands moving from between Yuta’s hair to pinch his cheeks softly. “Cute. Anyways, I didn’t actually know she was his girlfriend, I thought she was just a friend who came to support him. They were never physically close, at least in front of me. So, when Minyong asked me out one day behind the court after a match, I accepted.” He boops Yuta on the nose. “Even though there was still a huge part of me who loved you, even though I watched you from a distance in the classes we shared wishing you’d come back to me. I liked Minyong enough to try anyway, I was open with him about you from the beginning.”

Yuta scrunches up his nose, deep in thought, but he doesn’t say anything and allows Jaehyun to continue.

“About a month in, he told me he was in love with me and said he’d leave his girlfriend for me, and I was like hold on, what?” Jaehyun continues. “He said he thought it was okay since I was dating him while being ridiculously in love with someone who hates me. He said he’d give his girlfriend up as long as I give up my feelings for you too. I couldn’t do that, like come on, why would I ever give you up? I waited for him to break up with his girlfriend before I decided to leave him too, because it wasn’t fair to either of us, and also I thought his girlfriend deserved better anyway.”

“He never really got over it, I think he still hates me for it. It was honestly just a month long but I wonder if he really felt actual love for me that quickly,” Jaehyun muses, finishing up his story. “I thought we could move past it, but since he decided to go after you today, I can't say I’ll ever forgive him.”

Yuta ponders Jaehyun’s words for a while. “So, you were a side bitch.”

Jaehyun gasps, feigning hurt. “How could you say that to me? I confessed my undying love to you!”

Yuta smiles, finally getting the strength to sit up properly. He leans his weight against Jaehyun, still feeling rather sluggish as he feels the other throw an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. “You're easy to fall in love with, a month is plenty of time,” he mumbles. “But you’ve loved me for _how_ long?” 

“I told you,” the skin around Jaehyun’s eyes crinkles as he smiles, “all my life.”

Jaehyun digs into his pocket and pulls out something green, a plant of sorts. Yuta blinks curiously, why was Jaehyun carrying a plant in his pocket? That’s when he spots the tell-tale red berries hanging from stems between the crushed leaves.

“I stole this from Baekhyun,” he says with a shit-eating grin. He raises it above their heads and Yuta looks up, eyes widening when he finally realises it’s mistletoe. “So, Yuta, kiss me under the mistletoe?”

“You’re so fucking corny,” Yuta complains, his grin betrays his actual complaint. He moves in and presses his lips onto Jaehyun’s.

It doesn’t feel like the fireworks Yuta so desperately wanted to see, there’s no loud, erupting crackling that accompanies the beautiful colours painting the night sky. Jaehyun doesn’t feel like that, he doesn’t feel like a short-lived spark that fizzles out into the darkness.

Jaehyun feels like home, like the fireplace that burns in the center of the room, an eternally burning flame.

Yuta falls in love with every second of him.

+

“Jaehyun,” Yuta calls out, suddenly looking down at his shirt, one that quite clearly isn’t really his. It’s not something he’d ever wear outside the house, though maybe, he’d wear it to sleep. “How exactly did I end up in this?” He pulls on the front of the shirt, creasing the giraffe on the fabric. The damn _giraffe,_ he knows it's Jaehyun's.

Jaehyun’s eyes widen for a split second, before he raises his hands up in a defensive stance. “I swear I didn’t do anything indecent.”

Yuta narrows his eyes. “What did you do?”

“I changed your clothes, I wasn’t going to let you sleep in my bed after rolling around on the dirt,” he says, retaining his stance. “I didn’t even look at anything, I swear.”

“Fine,” Yuta grumbles. “I believe you.”

“Seriously?” Jaehyun asks, his eyes widening again. “It was that easy?”

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

+

**Jyan Cat [22:34]:** DUDE

 **Jyan Cat [22:34]:** what the hell did you do

 **Jyan Cat [22:34]:** the entire confession page is blowing up with pictures of you and Jaehyun

 **Yongie [22:35]:** what the hell let me see

 **Jyan Cat [22:35]:** _Attachment: 7 images_

Yuta opens the attachments with interest, wanting to see the pictures of them himself. Instead, he’s met with pages of people in the school discussing what had happened at the Christmas party.

**Anonymous** _6m_

After today, is there any more discussion lol

It’s obvious they’re dating

**Anonymous** _7m_

my friends are all freaking out about what happened

i think it’s weird they’re so invested in our classmates personal lives

does anyone have the pics btw

**Anonymous** _9m_

did anyone else think the way jaehyun beat up that guy was funny

neither of them can fight

**Anonymous** _12m_

y’all i don’t even go to this school wtf was that though

even our school’s board is talking about it

**Anonymous** _16m_

how the hell does yuta have dudebros fighting on his name

Yuta pales, still sitting on Jaehyun’s bed. Jaehyun had called his parents to tell them he wouldn’t be home for the night as they were rushing to finish a project (one that they had actually finished three weeks ago) and his parents had surprisingly been alright with it. 

“They have photographic evidence of you beating someone up,” Yuta says slowly. “You’re gonna go to jail.”

Jaehyun, however, looks rather disinterested in the conversation topic as he continues to rummage through his bookshelf, looking for where he left his favourite bookmark. 

He turns back to Yuta triumphantly after finding the bookmark and seems to instantly note the worry on Yuta’s face. He walks over and pinches Yuta’s cheek. “It’s cute how worried you are for me,” he says, leaning down and kissing his forehead. “Don’t worry, Chanyeol sent me footage from the cameras at his place. It wasn't an _unwarranted assault_ or anything, I was breaking up a fight.” 

“You've planned for this,” Yuta accuses and Jaehyun laughs brightly.

“No one fucks with you in front of me,” he kisses his forehead again before going back to his bookshelf, muttering something about looking for his stapler now. 

**Jyan Cat [22:50]:** dude where is YUTA

 **Jyan Cat [22:51]:** come online rn

 **Yongie [22:51]:** he’s probably with his boyfriend LOL

**Yongie [22:51]: @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta @Yuta**

**Yuta [22:52]:** WHAT

 **Yongie [22:53]:** oh no he’s cranky

 **Yongie [22:53]:** did we actually interrupt your jaehyun time

 **Yuta [22:54]:** yes

 **Yongie [22:54]:** WHAT

 **Jyan Cat [22:54]:** WHAT

 **Yuta [22:55]:** bye

 **Jyan Cat [22:55]:** WAIT

 **Jyan Cat [22:55]:** what about the confession board

 **Yongie [22:56]:** it’s kinda creepy how obsessed they are with jaeyu

 **Yongie [22:56]:** even doyoung isn't that obsessed and he seems to exist only for it

 **Jyan Cat [22:57]:** since when r u friends with doyoung

 **Yongie [22:58]:** since we realised we could team up to make fun of u

 **Jyan Cat [22:58]:** UNPROVOKED

 **Yuta [22:59]:** post them all idc

 **Yuta [22:59]:** jaehyun doesn’t care either

 **Jyan Cat [23:00]:** well :0 if you say so

 **Jyan Cat [23:00]:** r u guys actually dating though

 **Yuta [23:01]:** GET OUT

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what i'm doing... anyways you can find me on twt [@yujaeyu](twitter.com/yujaeyu) and on [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/yujaeyu)


End file.
